


My Soulmate's Secrets

by darkroses



Series: Soulmates [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Awesome Bobby, Dean Being an Asshole, Dean Being an Idiot, Good Parent John Winchester, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Mute Sam Winchester, Past Child Abuse, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-17
Updated: 2015-07-21
Packaged: 2018-03-18 06:06:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 76
Words: 175,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3558917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkroses/pseuds/darkroses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Sam was born, Dean finds out that his baby brother is his soulmate. Mary doesn't take the news well and gets rid of Sam. Twelve years later, John and Dean are reunited with Sam. Unfortunately, Sam was horribly abused and is unwilling to speak. </p><p>Dean tries to figure out who his little brother is and Sam tries to navigate a world he never knew existed. </p><p>Note: The rape tag is only for reference. It will not be written about in detail. It is between Sam and Azazel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Dean grew up with the name Samuel Winchester etched on his skin. It couldn’t be burned off, cut off, or in any way removed. They said it was a mark from God. The mark that showed his soulmate’s name. It appeared on his body shortly after Sam was born. Dean didn’t understand at the time, because he was four but his parents were quite upset.

His father told him it would be okay and his mother just cried. Dean’s soulmate was his baby brother. He could feel Sam. He could feel what Sam felt, just like Sam could feel what he felt. It would have been neat to know what his little brother felt, if it didn’t feel like his heart was getting ripped out all the time. Dean’s mother, if he could still call her that, gave Sam away to an unknown family when he was six months old. Then Mary set Sam’s nursery on fire to try to cover it up.

Dean kept a picture on his nightstand of him holding Sam. He doubted Sam even knew his name was Sam, but he knew no matter what anyone did Sam would know his name. He hoped that even though Sam hurt inside, Sam could still feel the love he had for him.

He held onto that hope for years. His dad would tell him every day that they were going to find his brother. John registered Sam as a missing person and he registered the name of Sam’s soulmate. It would aide in finding Sam and one day it did.

Dean was sixteen and working in his father’s shop when the police showed up looking for his dad. He led them back to where his father was. The first police offer was an older man. He took off his hat and said calmly, “Mr. Winchester, we found your son.”

Dean saw worry cross his father’s face. He knew what his dad was worried about. Sam could be dead. They could have found his body, but Dean could still feel Sam and he could still feel Sam’s fear. The other office clarified, “Samuel is alive. He is at the hospital. He wasn’t kept that far from here.”

+++

John and Dean rushed to the hospital to meet Sam. Dean was excited. They met with Dr. Gaines before they saw Sam. Dr. Gaines was grim. “It is nice to meet you both. Sam is malnourished and small for his age. He doesn’t speak but he does seem to understand what we are saying. He gets frightened easily. Mr. Winchester, you may not want your older son to hear the extent of abuse Sam is believed to have suffered.”

John glanced at Dean and he knew from his own soulmate that having Dean near could help Sam. Dean had a chance now to have a life with Sam. He didn’t like that his sons were soulmates but it was what God wanted and he wasn’t one to question God. His own soulmate died in the war before they met. Mary’s soulmate also died. If it wasn’t for his boys, John knew that being with Mary would have been a mistake.

John shook his head no and said as calmly as he could, “Dean is Sammy’s soulmate. He’s going to know anyways.”

The doctor frowned and looked down at the chart. He spoke rather clinically, “I couldn’t find any evidence of rape and until Sam speaks we won’t know for certain. However, he does appear to have been castrated. He does have scars on his body. He was beaten and burned repeatedly. They tried to burn off the name of his soulmate, which didn’t work. It never does but that doesn’t seem to stop people from trying. Sam is rather skittish about his new environment so make sure you keep your voices soft when you talk to him.”

Dean felt a little possessive when the doctor talked about someone else touching Sam. It made him feel sick to think that someone mutilated his brother, his soulmate. Legally, Dean was obligated to marry Sam once his brother came of age. No one was supposed to touch Sam except him and there was no way he would do that to Sam. Dean had never given much thought to the prospect of them having sex and he hoped that he wouldn’t have to for a while. Even though, he had teenage hormones running through his system. He wanted to wait for Sammy. He wanted to know Sammy and he wanted that pain Sam felt inside to go away.

++

It seemed like forever before they were led back to the room where Sam was. It was in the pediatric ward. Sam was sitting on the bed with an IV coming out his too thin arm. His legs were pulled up tightly to his chest and his arms were wrapped around his legs. Sam looked tiny on the bed. Dean couldn’t see his brother’s face. All he could see was a mop of dark brown hair hiding his features.

Dean felt Sam’s fear spike when they entered the room, even though Sam didn’t raise his head to look at them. Carefully and quietly John said, “Sam? My name is John and I am your father. I am going to make sure you’re safe.” Sam looked up with his father’s words and now Dean could take in Sam’s features. His brother had hazel eyes that just looked a little empty. His face was bruised and this cheeks were thin. Dean wanted to hug him and never let him go.

John cleared his throat awkwardly and motioned toward Dean, “This is your big brother, Dean. He’s your soulmate.” Dean watched as Sam ran a hand over the name on his arm. He couldn’t see his name, but Dean knew Sam was touching it.

With uncertainty Dean stepped forward and he could feel his nervousness. He saw Sam make eye contact with him briefly before looking away. He walked up to the side of Sam’s bed. He knew from the classes he took at school that he could feel inside his soulmate better if they were touching. Dean reached out a hesitant hand and touched Sam on the arm.

Sam loosened his grip on his legs but he did not return the touch or flinch away. Dean was silently thankful that Sam did not pull away from him. Quietly Dean said, “Can you feel me, Sammy? I’m not going to hurt you. I’ll never hurt you. I promise, baby brother.” Dean could feel Sam’s fear but underneath that he thought he could feel hope. Dean knew he just had to show Sam that he had nothing to be afraid of. 


	2. Chapter 2

John stared at his youngest son, unable to bring himself to say anything more. Sam looked nothing like Dean which John supposed was for the best given the hand the boys were dealt. John knew Dean looked more like Mary and Sam looked more like him.

He didn’t know what to say to Sam. He didn’t even know if Sam was able to understand what he was saying. John had so many questions and as far as he knew no way for Sam to answer them. He sat down in the chair next to Sam’s hospital bed. If nothing else, he could be here for his son.

The room fell silent and eventually Dean slipped his hand away from Sam and retreated. John noticed that Sam didn’t seem effected by Dean’s action one way or the other. Sam also showed no sign of uncurling himself from the position he was in.

John decided to start talking about the future because he had to let Sam know that he wasn’t going to be stuck in the hospital forever. He wasn’t even sure that Sam recognized this as a hospital, but supposed he should make that clear to Sam too. John spoke hesitantly, “Dean has bunk beds in his room. I always hoped that you would come home or I wanted to have a place for you. Dean has the top bunk, so you’ll be on the bottom.  If you want your own room, I can clean out my office. Just let me know what you want, okay?”

He didn’t get a response or even Sam looking at him when he spoke. John wondered how much human contact Sam had over the years. He knew his son must have had some. Sam’s hair was long but clearly cut in a specific style, if John had to guess it was not a style of Sam’s choosing. He also seemed fairly docile, but nearly catatonic. He didn’t know how to handle this and John knew he would have to hire a shrink for Sam.

As the sunset, the hospital staff pulled in an extra bed so he and Dean could stay with Sam. John told Dean to take the bed and he could sleep in the chair. Dean had football practice tomorrow and John knew that if Dean didn’t get enough sleep or slept in an odd position he could get hurt. He knew Dean wanted to spend time with Sam, but Dean also needed to maintain a balance between school, sports, and helping his brother. He didn’t want Dean to get burnt out.

John fell asleep in the chair sometime later. He woke up abruptly and noticed the hospital bed was empty. He took a calming breath to quell his panic. John knew if he started yelling for Sam, it would only scare the boy and Sam could have just gone to the bathroom.

He got up carefully and noticed that Sam was not in the bathroom or in bed with Dean. He walked over to the empty hospital bed and followed the line for Sam’s IV. It led him to under the bed. Sam was curled up against the wall near the head of the bed. His son’s arms wrapped around his head protectively and Sam’s legs were still drawn up to his chest.

John debated briefly about letting Sam sleep on the floor. If he had to guess, Sam moved there because he felt safer. John hoped that Sam hadn’t slept on the floor for the past 12 years of his life. However, John had a gut feeling that was the case. In the end, he decided to get Sam off the floor.

Carefully, John nudged Sam’s shoulder to wake him. He knew if it was Dean at this age, he would have just picked up the boy and moved him. But Sam didn’t know him and that could scare him. Sam immediately tensed when he woke up. John could feel how tense Sam was just by touching the boy’s shoulder. Gently John said, “Come on Sammy, let me help you get back into bed. You’re going to get cold on the floor.”

Slowly John coaxed Sam out and got him settled back into bed. He noticed that Sam had some difficulty moving and bending. Being in a standing position looked painful for Sam. John made a mental note to talk to the doctor about that in the morning and hoped that Sam didn’t need physical therapy too. He didn’t want to have to send Sam to an endless stream of doctors. He wanted Sam to just be okay. He waited until Sam fell back asleep before he drifted off again.

When John woke up the sun was creeping through the window of the hospital room. This time, Sam and Dean were nowhere in sight. John rubbed his hands over his face and got up. He walked around the hospital room and found Sam curled up under the bed. Sam wasn’t sleeping this time. He was just lying there looking out distantly like a scared cat.

John took a moment to glance around for Dean and he didn’t see his elder son. He figured Dean was fine and decided to focus his attention on Sam. Gently he said, “Hey buddy, why are you hiding under there?”

Sam actually looked at him this time which John was counting as a plus. He knew it was a small thing to count as a victory, but Sam acknowledging him was something. It was progress of sorts. He watched carefully as Sam tried to communicate with him. His son touched his IV and down toward his waist and frowned.

John wasn’t certain but he thought he knew what Sam was trying to say. He decided to gauge his questions carefully, “Do you have to go to the bathroom?”

Sam looked at him quizzically for a moment. Then John watched Sam shake his head no gently. John internally sighed in relief because maybe Sam did know what they were saying. If he did that would make things easier. Although, John knew they had sign language classes in their very near future and probably someone to help Sam try to talk. Assuming Sam’s vocal cords weren’t damaged and given what little John had seen of Sam’s body that was entirely possible.

John asked quietly, “Are you in pain?”

Sam eyed him for a moment before slowly nodding yes. John couldn’t tell if Sam’s reservation with telling him was fear or simply Sam trying to gauge his reaction.

Regardless, John decided to remain calm and be as gentle as possible. He knew getting worked up about anything right now would not help. He gently said, “I can ask for some pain medicine for you. It should help you feel better.”

Sam’s eyes became wide and somehow the boy managed to push himself into the wall a little further. He adamantly shook his head no and wrapped his arms around himself again. It broke John’s heart. Not just because Sam was very clearly afraid of him. But because, Sam had to have a reason not to like drugs. He didn’t like the idea of thinking about someone drugging and hurting his boy.

++

The first morning at the hospital with Sam had to be one of the worst days of John Winchester’s life. He thought that was saying something considering the twelve years that he lived with Sam being taken from him were clouded in sadness. This was different. This was painful to watch.

Sam ate his breakfast carefully. It looked to John like Sam was expecting to get beaten at any moment for eating. Dean ate his breakfast quickly like he always did while telling Sam about school. Unfortunately between last night and this morning, Dean seemed to have forgotten the doctor’s warning to keep their voices soft. Sam was flinching at Dean’s words and Dean seemed to be clueless. He sent Dean to school and decided he would have a talk with Dean later.

Then the nurse and the doctor came into check on Sam. His son started trembling when they entered which John really couldn’t blame him for. The doctor was gentle and John was thankful the doctor had some bedside manners. However, the nurse lacked bedside manners. Sam resisted their prompting to pull his legs down from his chest.

The nurse barked at Sam, “Do as we say.” Sam complied but John didn’t miss the look of sheer terror on his son’s face.

John calmly said, “If you talk to my son like that again, I am going to have to ask you to leave.” Sam started shaking almost violently with his words and John realized that he may have made the situation worse.

The doctor frowned and said soothingly, “Hey kiddo, it’s okay.” It was then John saw a couple silent tears fall from Sam’s face. He watched as Sam’s shaking subsided but it was replaced with a glassy eyed boy who had clearly checked out. While the doctor and nurse could maneuver Sam however they wanted. Sam was completely unresponsive.

This was the first time, John really had a look at the damage done to Sam’s body. When the doctor slipped Sam’s hospital gown down to prod around his chest. John could hardly see an area that wasn’t scarred and large areas were deeply bruised. He couldn’t help but look at Sam and wonder how his son survived that. He couldn’t help but wonder what it was that kept Sam going and kept him from giving up.

He watched in silence as the doctor checked the stitches between Sam’s legs. John didn’t realize the castration was so recent and he supposed he should have asked about that yesterday. It was just everything was so overwhelming. He was thankful that Sam still had his penis. At least, Sam wouldn’t have to suffer through visits to an urologist. It did explain why Sam had trouble moving though.

Once the doctor was done and Sam’s wounds were cleaned. John asked carefully, “When do you think Sam will be able to go home?”

The doctor looked at Sam and then to John. He sighed and said carefully, “He will probably be well enough to go home in a couple days. We want to establish that Sam is eating on his own and healing before we release him. I do think that Sam could benefit from sometime in the psychiatric unit.”

John was willing to do anything to help his son. However, locking Sam in a mental hospital did not seem like the right course of action. He thought Sam needed family and not another prison. 


	3. Chapter 3

Dean wasn’t really sure what to make of Sam. Granted he had only known Sam for less than a day but he already thought Sam was weird and maybe a little freaky. He really wasn’t sure what to do with a mute soulmate, who may or may not understand what he is saying. Dean didn’t even know if Sam had the mental capacity to grasp what a soulmate is.

He knew it wasn’t Sam’s fault, but Sam just wasn’t what he dreamed about. Dean knew it was going to be bad when they found Sam, but he didn’t think it would be this bad. He expected Sam to at least be able to talk to him and respond to him. Instead he has a soulmate that barely moves. Dean knew he had to give it time and Sam might come around. Sam could turn out to be remotely interesting but right now he was just kind of boring.

Dean knew he had other things to worry about now too. Namely, his soulmate was alive and he had to tell Lisa. She was a cheerleader and he was the backup quarterback. He wasn’t exactly the star of the football team, but maybe next year he could be the star. Dean still had a social status to maintain and not worrying about finding his soulmate was one of the things that made him cool. He didn’t tell anybody that he knew exactly who his soulmate was and he felt a little guilty for sleeping with Lisa in what will be Sam’s bed when Sam gets out of the hospital.

He had no idea what making it known that his little brother was his soulmate would do to his social status. His mind told him terrible things. Somehow he just couldn’t picture the other kids at school being okay with it and not teasing him for it. Dean internally cringed when he realized they would probably call him a brother fucker like they did Gabriel.

Gabriel was the sneaky class clown. Dean thought Gabriel was a lot of fun but Gabriel had the same problem as Dean. Gabriel’s little brother Castiel was his soulmate. Despite Gabriel’s playful nature he still got teased. Dean had heard the middle school kids teasing Castiel too. He knew Sam was going to get teased, as if being mute wasn’t enough of an engraved invitation for bullies to target him.

Dean frowned when he realized that Sam’s entire life sucked because of him. If it wasn’t for him, Mary would have never gotten rid of Sam. If it wasn’t for him, Sam would have never been tortured and who knows what else. If it wasn’t for him, Sam wouldn’t get teased by the kids at school. If it wasn’t for him, Sam could have a normal apple pie life. Dean realized he ruined every chance of Sam having a good life and everything that happened to Sam was his fault.

He leaned his head on his locker in a moment of self-pity and then he felt a playful slap on his ass followed by Lisa slipping a hand into his back pocket. He turned and looked at her. Dean knew he should tell her to stop, but he didn’t. He turned his head toward her and she gave him a quick peck on the lips. Dean smiled despite how screwed he was. There was no good way to break up with a chick for his little brother, he realized.

Lisa removed her hand from Dean’s pocket and leaned up against the locker. Casually she said, “I called your house last night and you didn’t answer. Did your dad keep you at the shop all night? He should really hire more people.”

Dean gave a small smile and thought briefly about lying but he decided against it. “No, they found my little brother, Sam. We were at the hospital all night with him.” Okay, so he may have decided to tell the truth, just not the whole truth.

Lisa squealed with excitement and she gave Dean a rather tight hug. She leaned in and kissed Dean passionately on the lips. She was so excited it really made Dean feel bad. “So what he is like? Does he have a soulmate name?”

Dean let out a slow breath. He had no idea how to describe Sam that didn’t make him sound broken. Dean didn’t want to be the almost football star with a broken little brother. Well, Dean knew it was actually his broken soulmate but he wasn’t sure if he was ready to admit that yet. So Dean just shrugged and said in a noncommittal tone, “Sam is okay and he has the name of his soulmate.”

Lisa smiled and hooked her fingers in Dean’s belt loop, “So do I get to meet my boyfriend’s little brother?”

Dean couldn’t stop the cringe from passing his face. His father would kill him, literally. As far as, John knew Lisa was a friend. Dating was banned because he had a soulmate. It wasn’t abnormal not to date when someone knew the name of their soulmate. What was the point of dating and falling in love with someone that there was no future with?

Dean unhooked Lisa’s hands from his belt loops and knew he had to come clean. He pushed her hands back gently. Then he moved his hand over to his arm. He carefully pulled up his sleeve and took off the band covering the name of soulmate. Dean never saw the slap coming, but he knew he deserved it. Well, he deserved to have Sam slapping him but this would work too.  

His face was still stinging when she heard Lisa step back and say rather angrily, “You’re one of God’s freaks! Your soulmate is your brother, no wonder your mom got rid of him.”

Dean covered up Sam’s name on his arm with the band and pulled his sleeve back down. He was well aware of everyone watching them. Dean let out a slow breath and said, “You can think what you like, Lisa. I enjoy your company and Sam is too young to be in a relationship with. I realize that we don’t have a future together, but we can still have something now. Besides, you’re not exactly waiting faithfully for your soulmate either.”

He knew this was a mistake. Dean knew that he could hurt Sam by doing this. Actually, his mind corrected he would only be hurting Sam again and Sam probably didn’t even know how relationships worked to know what he was doing was wrong. Dean knew he had to keep his dad from finding out the extent of his relationship with Lisa.

++

Dean realized after football practice as he was driving to the hospital with Lisa that he was on very thin ice. This whole thing could blow up rather quickly. He had never felt like a cheater until today. Somehow being able to see and touch Sam made him real. Sam wasn’t the picture of a baby in his arms anymore. His brother was real and was on his way toward growing up to be a man. Sam needed him and Dean knew he wasn’t coming through for his brother.

Dean arrived at the hospital with Lisa following close behind him and they stepped into Sam’s room. The first thing he noticed was his dad wasn’t there. His Uncle Bobby was standing next to Sam’s bed and was calmly explaining a comic book to Sam. Dean noticed a little notepad and a pencil on a nearby table and Dean knew not to get his hopes up that believe that Sam could read and write.

Bobby smiled at him and said happily but quietly, “Hey Dean, I see you brought your study partner to meet your soulmate. I was just showing Sam some comic books. He’s never seen comic books before.”

Dean frowned because who’s never seen a comic book before? He put on a smile on his face and said, “That’s great, Uncle Bobby. How do you know that? Is Sam talking?” Dean saw Sam recoil into himself slightly when he spoke. He wished Sam could be less skittish.

Bobby scowled at him and said firmly, “Dean, lower your voice. Remember what the doctor told you.” Bobby paused and said clearly, “Sam knows how to read and write. He can write down the answers to my questions.”

Dean nodded because at least that meant Sam wasn’t completely stupid and maybe there was something to Sam. He put on a fake smile and said, “That’s great… That Sam knows how to read and stuff.” He awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck and said, “Sam, this is Lisa. Lisa, this is Sam.” He looked at Sam and saw that his brother wasn’t even looking at him. He realized since Sam could write answers to questions that he had a few questions for him but he didn’t want to ask those in front of Lisa. He didn’t need jealous secret girlfriend issues on top of everything else.

He walked over to Sam and rested his hand on top of Sam’s hand. His brother didn’t smile or anything, but he could feel Sam a little better. It was weird because he was starting to be able to get a better sense of what Sam was feeling. It turned out Sam was feeling a lot of things right now. Sam was in pain, but Dean couldn’t see it on his face. He could only feel it and Dean could feel it was a physical pain. Sam was uneasy but he didn’t seem as afraid as he did the day before. There was also a curiosity that Dean had never felt from his brother before. He wasn’t sure what to make of that. 


	4. Chapter 4

John felt physically sick after meeting with the detective in charge of Sam’s case. Sam was held by Azazel Masters. A bastard that got his oil changed at John’s shop like clockwork every three months. A bastard that always asked how the search for Sam was going. A bastard that always asked how Dean was holding up. A bastard that was torturing his son the whole time and he didn’t even know.

The details of how Sam was kept were a little shaky. Azazel had a large house on the outskirts of town where he lived with his daughter, Meg. His daughter was a year older than Dean and John remembered Dean getting invited over to Meg’s house for playdates when he was younger. It made John sick to think that Sam was mere feet away and still outside of Dean’s grasp.

From what the investigators were able to gather, Sam was kept in the basement. There were no windows, but certain areas were brightly lit and others were dark. It was where Azazel entertained his business partners and it was an underground business. Azazel was in the business of trading people and Sam was a sample for his business partners to see. 

Sam entertained Azazel’s business partners and John didn’t have the stomach to ask what that entertainment involved. He had a feeling that he didn’t want to know. When they found Sam, it was on a raid of Azazel’s house following a police sting. They were trying to shut down the entire ring, but had to go in early. The undercover officer saw Sam naked, beaten, and bleeding in the corner of the room. The officer was concerned that Sam would die if they didn’t act.

Attached to Sam’s neck was a shock collar, it was explained to John that was why Sam doesn’t speak. He was conditioned for an unknown amount of time that any noise would make him hurt. No one knew if Sam could talk and so far neither Azazel nor Meg have stated one way or the other.

He did find out from the undercover officer that Sam was called Boy. John realized that as far as Sam knew that was his name, Boy. On the list of things they could have been calling Sam, John knew Boy was the least offensive. However, he knew it would probably be awhile before Sam actually answered to Sam.

John had to spend part of the afternoon getting a restraining order against Mary for Sam. He already had one for Dean and himself. Mary spent seven of her twenty year sentence for arson and kidnapping Sam. No one knew if Mary would be charged with anything else now that Sam had been found. John knew the reason why they let her out was in the hope that it would lead them to Sam. It didn’t. Letting her out did nothing but cause pain for his family. John knew he would do everything he could to make sure Mary couldn’t hurt his sons again.

He was heading back to the hospital now. John didn’t want to leave Sam, because of an irrational fear that if he let Sam out of his sight his son would disappear again. Bobby had glared at him and told him to take care of business. John felt a little better about leaving with the knowledge that his step-brother would keep an eye on Sam. Bobby always made good company and he was always good with Dean. John hoped Sam would like Bobby too.

John pulled into the lot of the hospital to witness Dean making out with a girl in the front seat of his car. To say he was pissed was an understatement. Dean’s soulmate was injured and in the hospital. Instead of doing everything he could to help Sam, Dean was playing the field. John got out of his truck and walked over to Dean’s car.

He tapped on the window which caused Dean to jump and look at him like he had just seen a ghost. Carefully John opened the car door and said firmly, “Lisa, you probably want to call your parents for a ride home. Dean, we need to talk about your priorities.”

John watched Lisa retreat rather quickly to go call her parents. He knew that giving her a ride home would have been better. It was just he had too much on his plate right now and if Dean was going to be acting like this. John knew Sam would need him even more.

Dean stammered out an apology, “I’m sorry, Dad. This isn’t what it looks like.”

John nodded slowly and stated, “You do realize that Sam is your soulmate, right? You do realize that he is hurt and scared right now while you’re making out in a car? You do realize that with the bond you share, he can feel the pleasure you felt from what you were doing? Now, how do you think he is going to feel when he figures out that you feel better when you’re not around him?”

Dean sighed and said defensively, “Sam is messed up and it’s not like I can make out with my brother anyways. It is just having some fun until he wants to do something when he’s older. Lisa and I both know that we aren't going to have a long-term relationship.”

John ran his hands over this face and clarified, “Dean, the law is vey clear about your obligation to Sam. I completely understand if you don’t want that sort of relationship with Sam. However, that is something you’re going to have to discuss with him at a better time. Right now, it is not a good time to discuss that with him. I am certain, you can keep it in your pants until the time is right.”

Dean huffed out a breath and said belligerently, “Can he even have a sexual relationship? I mean, they castrated him.”

John knew Dean was grasping at straws. He carefully said, “Dean, Sam will still be able to function when he is older. He is twelve and I hope having sex is pretty far from his mind. I can’t believe I am having the birds and the bees’ conversation with you while _your_ soulmate is in the hospital.” John wasn’t sure what to do with Dean at the moment. He couldn’t send Dean home, because Dean would probably end up making out with Lisa again. He needed Dean to man up and be there for Sam, but trying to talk to sense into a teenager had always been difficult.

Dean sighed and said flatly, “I’m sorry. The thing with me and Lisa won’t happen again. Should we go up and see Sammy now?”

John nodded slowly because he knew Dean was lying. He stated firmly, “Dean, you will treat Sam with respect and you will kept your voice soft when you talk to him. Talking at even a normal volume scares him, as I am sure you can feel.” John caught Dean’s eye roll but didn’t comment. At the very least the eye roll told John that Dean heard him.

++

John felt like an idiot when Bobby told him Sam could read and write. In other words, Sam could communicate with them with the right tools. It did make him feel like a weight has been lifted off of him. Being able to read and write should help Sam get to grade level. John knew that eventually Sam was going to have to socialize with children his own age. It gave him hope that Sam could get past this.

He noticed that Sam looked a little tired and he could understand that. Carefully John said to Sam, “Hey Sammy, are you okay with us calling you Sam or Sammy? Is there another name you go by?” He knew what the police had told him but he wanted to know what Sam wanted.

Sam picked up the pencil carefully and wrote. John noticed that Sam’s handwriting was very neat and a sharp contrast to Dean’s sloppy handwriting. _“They told me my name is Samuel. Bobby told me that Sam and Sammy are short for Samuel, so they are like my name.”_ John was not expecting Sam to explain nicknames to him and what Sam wrote told him absolutely nothing about Sam’s preference. He didn’t even know at this point if they called him Sam or something else. John knew it shouldn’t matter, but he wanted to know.

John glanced over at Dean before turning his attention back to Sam and said carefully, “Do you have any questions for me or Dean?”

Sam wrote on his piece of paper, _“No, thank you for asking.”_   John noted that Sam seemed polite at least in writing.

John decided to probe a little further, “What do you like to do during the day?” He was trying to find out anything he possibly could about Sam. He just wanted to know something about him.

Sam didn’t write anything for a few moments. John could tell he was thinking about his answer. He wrote, _“I like to try to avoid hurts.”_

John nodded and thought that he might have to go have a private breakdown later. Avoiding getting hurt wouldn’t even cross Dean’s radar as something to like, but for Sam it was at the top of his list. John knew that what happened with the doctor and nurse this morning probably fell under the hurt category for Sam considering Sam checked out. He hoped he could avoid those days in the future.

He did want to make sure Sam understood that he wasn’t with Azazel anymore and was in a hospital. Carefully John said, “Do you know where you are? Do you remember the police taking you here?”

Sam wrote neatly and quickly, _“They said I am in a hospital. I do not remember coming here but they say Mr. Masters isn’t here.”_

John gave a small and very fake smile. He said calmly, “Azazel can’t hurt you anymore, Sammy. None of them can. You’re safe, I promise.”


	5. Chapter 5

Dean got banned from school the next day which meant he had to spend the day at the hospital with Sam. He knew Sam was odd. He wasn’t sure what to make of the fact that Sam wouldn’t sleep in his hospital bed. Sam would hide under the bed and against the wall. Then he would fall asleep there. After the third time of coaxing him out, Dean gave up.

He took the blankets and pillow off the bed and made Sam a little nest under the bed. Sam tensed when he did it, but Dean felt better about Sam not freezing by sleeping on the tile floor. Then Dean put his own pillow and blankets on the floor next to Sam’s bed. He fell asleep with Sam watching him curiously. Dean had no idea what compelled him to sleep on the floor next to his brother. He figured it must be the soulmate thing.

He did learn some things about Sam. His brother had never seen cartoons drawings until Bobby showed him the comic book yesterday. Sam had never seen a television or a window until he came here. According to Sam, they looked different than what he heard about the objects. Sam could read and write, but basically Sam didn’t know anything about anything. His brother had trouble identifying things in pictures. Common things like toasters. It was a little frustrating for Dean.

Sam did know Meg. The bitch played with him when she was younger. The bitch would make Sam do her algebra homework. He knew that Sam only saw Meg in the pink room and Dean had no idea what that meant. However he was gathering that wherever Sam was kept the rooms had different colors and the colors meant different things. Dean had no idea if Meg hurt Sam like Azazel did, Sam wouldn’t say. However, he did know that Meg knew Sam was his soulmate and was keeping Sam from him. That pissed Dean off.

Dean did make the mistake of touching Sam’s hand when the doctor and nurse came in to do their daily checkup. He was not expecting to feel that much fear and pain from Sam. The result was Dean letting go of Sam’s hand and curling into himself in pain. He was certain he turned a few shades whiter. Dean had never felt that much fear or pain in his life.

The nurse gave Sam a sedative after that and Dean could feel Sam’s desperation as he was drifting into unconsciousness. He didn’t know if it was that he didn’t want to be given a sedative, if Sam even understood what that was or if he just wanted them to leave him alone.  Dean felt a nothingness inside of himself when Sam was put under. It was not an unknown feeling. He had felt this nothingness from Sam before.

Dean remembered the first time it happened, Dean thought Sam died. But Sam always came back around. That ache inside of him that defined his soulmate always came back. It was then Dean realized something. Sam had either been beaten to the point of losing consciousness or he had been drugged in the past. Judging by the state of Sam’s body, Dean would believe either. At least Sam had pajamas now that he was wearing instead of the hospital gown. It gave his brother the appearance of modesty and it covered up a lot of the marks. His dad went out and bought them for Sam last night.

He really wished he could have a soulmate that wasn’t hurt like this. Dean didn’t think that was too much to ask. It did occur to Dean that Mary could have done this to him instead of Sam but Dean believed he would have still maintained some semblance of self or knowledge.

When Sam came too from the sedative, Dean let Sam lay on the bed in a little frightened ball for over an hour. He listened to his dad talk gently to Sam and Dean honestly could not remember his dad ever talking that nicely to him. Dean felt a little jealous of all the attention Sam was getting. Especially when he could feel that Sam didn’t care about the attention and he had a feeling Sam wanted to be left alone.

Still Dean wanted to get out of this hospital and the only way to do that was through Sam. So after Sam was fully alert, Dean acquired a wheelchair to roll Sam around the hospital. He had gotten permission to take Sam on the walking path outside. The nurse said that Sam could walk but to take the wheelchair in case Sam got tired. Dean wished he had a wheelchair to push him around anytime he got tired.

Dean wheeled Sam through the hospital talking about nothing in particular. He noticed that Sam pulled his legs up on the seat and wrapped his arms around his legs again. He suppressed the urge to roll his eyes. Dean had to remind himself that it wasn’t Sam’s fault.

When Dean took the first step outside the hospital with Sam. His brother’s eyes became wide and curious. Dean could feel the curiosity leaking off of his brother and he didn’t understand. Dean stopped the wheelchair at the end of the walking path by a bench. He quietly and as nicely as possible said, “Hey Sammy, do you want to walk? You can wander around.”

He watched as Sam stood up slowly. There was a gentle breeze that day and he watched as Sam opened up his hand at nothing. He wasn’t really sure what Sam was feeling, but whatever it was it had Sam memorized. Dean watched Sam take a couple steps away from the wheelchair and look up at the sky like he’d never seen it before.

Dean rolled his eyes and said casually, “Is the sky that interesting, Sammy?” He knew that came out a little sarcastic.

Sam looked down away from the sky and wrapped his arms around his chest. That was when Dean felt Sam’s curiosity replaced with shame. He started to feel like an asshole. Sam shook his head no, but Dean knew Sam wasn’t telling the truth. The sky really was interesting to Sam, but Dean didn’t know why.

Luckily he was joined by Bobby. His uncle smiled at them and said happily, “Your daddy said I might find you two down here. It is a beautiful day.” Bobby looked up at the sky for a moment and said to Sam, “I saw you looking at the sky, Sammy. The clouds look real pretty today. Do you think so?”

Sam looked up at Bobby almost shyly then he nodded yes and Dean could feel Sam’s sense of shame lessen. Now he knew he was being an asshole. A selfish asshole at that.

Bobby smiled back and asked rather carefully, “Have you ever been outside, Sammy?”

Sam looked away from Bobby and shook his head no. Dean realized that he was the one that took Sam outside for the first time and instead of letting Sam explore and be curious. He was an ass. He knew this could have been some really special moment between them that would help Sam to trust him so maybe his brother would speak, but instead Dean ruined it.

Bobby handed Sam a notepad and a pencil. He motioned toward it and said happily, “What do you think of being outside?”

Sam was curious as to why Bobby was asking him these questions. He thought having to write down his answers was different. Azazel had him learn how to read so he wouldn’t be stupid as Azazel put it. No one had ever asked him questions beyond yes or no questions until now. He really wasn’t sure what to make of everything.

The wind didn’t feel like he imagined. It was sort of like the air that comes out of the vents but it surrounded him and the pressure wasn’t the same throughout. It was hard to explain, but it was a neat feeling. The sky was a different shade of blue than what he pictured in his mind. Sam had only ever seen the dark blue of Azazel’s shirts and the blue bruises on his body. That is what he expected the sky to look like. One of those two blues. The shade of blue the sky was, Sam didn’t even have a word to describe it.

The clouds looked like soft pillows in the sky. He wondered what it would be like to touch one. Sam knew clouds were nothing but condensed water vapor but he wondered what that felt like. When Sam saw something move across the sky. He was fascinated. He wasn’t sure what the object was but there was more than one of the little black specs and they flew in a formation of sorts.

Sam felt ashamed for not knowing these things and liking getting to see this. It was because of what he felt from Dean. He could feel Dean inside of him. Sam didn’t know much about Dean but he could tell a couple things. Dean didn’t like being around him. Sam could feel that. Whenever he was introduced to something new around Dean, he could feel Dean getting frustrated. Sam wasn’t sure why. He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to know these things or not.

Azazel never spoke of going outside and Sam had never been allowed to ask questions. Sam didn’t even remember the last time he made a sound. For as long as he could remember he had that thing on his neck that would hurt him if he made noise. Sometimes, it would hurt him for no reason at all. Azazel had a control to make it hurt him. But that thing was gone now and everyone kept asking him about talking. Sam had no idea how someone talks. He knew they move their lips and tongue to make certain sounds, but he didn’t know where those sounds come from.

All of this made Sam feel uneasy and it hurt to know that his soulmate didn’t like him. It was the light and hope he felt from Dean that made him want to survive. It was Dean that gave him something to hold on too. Sam never thought there was a world beyond Azazel. He thought that Dean was kept with someone else like Azazel or maybe Dean was in charge like Azazel was with him. Sam didn’t know, but he wanted to survive for Dean. Sam didn’t know how to be a good soulmate to Dean so Dean wouldn’t hurt him like Azazel did.

Sam wrote on his notepad to reply to Bobby, _“It is better than I expected. I am grateful Dean let me experience this.”_  Sam hoped that was the right thing to write. He didn’t want the hurts to start again.  

 


	6. Chapter 6

It had been two weeks since John was able to take Sam home from the hospital. It had been a long and difficult two weeks. Dean grumbled about having to clear out half of his closet for Sam and make room for Sam in general. He couldn’t understand why Dean insisted on switching the mattresses on the top and bottom bunks, but he agreed just to avoid the argument in front of Sam.

John had for the most part given up on trying to talk sense into Dean and he wasn’t sure if continuing to ground him was having the desired effect. He knew Dean needed to be able to talk to his friends to work through this, because it couldn’t be easy. However, John found out that Dean had been spending time with Lisa after football practice, before school, and they sat together during lunch. It was frustrating. He wished Dean could just grow up a little faster and realize what he was doing was wrong.

Joseph Novak had been coming over to their house nearly every day for a couple hours since Sam got out of the hospital. Joseph was the local sign language instructor. He learnt sign language as a child since his father was deaf. Joseph didn’t normally do house calls for sign language classes, but he made an exception for Sam. Joseph understood that being in a classroom with other people would probably be too much for Sam to handle.

John and Bobby joined Sam every day with Joseph to learn sign language. John knew that Sam could hear perfectly fine and could understand what they were saying. It was just without writing or simple shakes of the head, Sam had no way of communicating. Learning sign language was so they could hopefully have a conversation with Sam someday. Sam was picking up sign language faster than either him or Bobby. They both started to sign words as they spoke to practice and to help Sam.

John would have liked for Dean to join them but Dean was unreliable. Dean did show up the first couple times, but appeared bored and disinterested. John knew Sam could tell or maybe even feel it from Dean. Then after the first couple meetings with Joseph, Dean started to have homework he had to do or his hands hurt from football practice. There was always so sort of excuse from Dean on why he couldn’t sit through the classes with them.

It was rather annoying and John knew there was very little he could do about it. Even if, he forced Dean to sit through the classes. That didn’t mean Dean would actually retain any of the information that was given and Sam could feel it if Dean was angry about being there. Sam being able to feel what Dean felt was the only reason why John didn’t make Dean go. John did not want Sam to feel anger from Dean during the sign language classes. He thought that would be counterproductive to their goal of getting Sam to communicate with them.

John did realize that the most important person for Sam to be able to talk to was Dean. Sam and Dean were bound together for all eternity. John knew that just by being soulmates they were forced into a relationship together and he wanted them to like each other. He wanted them to be able to talk to each other and he wanted Dean to respect Sam.

Mr. Wyatt from the local high school volunteered his time to help Sam get caught up in school. It was very generous of Mr. Wyatt and John was thankful for it. Mr. Wyatt visited Sam every weekday for just over an hour. On Saturday, Mr. Wyatt committed the morning to Sam. John didn’t know how to repay the man for his kindness. Although, he did know Mr. Wyatt would never have to pay for an oil change at his shop again and any major repairs would be done at cost. It wasn’t much but John knew it was the least he could do.

Educationally, Sam was behind for his age which John expected. Sam was behind on every subject expect algebra. Sam was ahead with that subject matter. John knew that was because Sam did Meg’s math homework while he was held captive. Sam was the furthest behind in social studies. His son didn’t even know which country he was in much less which city and state. Sam didn’t know how to tell time or count money. John had a feeling Sam didn’t even fully understand the concept of money.

John did notice that Sam pretty much stayed in one place most of the day unless he asked Sam to do something. His current goal was to get Sam to wander around the house when he felt like it. John did make sure Sam moved around though. He took Sam for a walk around the neighborhood in the mornings after the other children went to school. Sam seemed to like getting to go outside. John wanted to do it when there was less of a chance of children playing outside.

It wasn’t that John didn’t want Sam to see other children. It was just he was concerned about the noise. Loud noises seemed to frighten Sam. Given that John had heard the neighborhood kids yelling and screaming as they played on more than one occasion. He didn’t want Sam to be exposed to that quite yet.

Currently Sam, Bobby, and John were sitting in the living room with Joseph going over the next sign language lesson. Dean was in his room doing who knows what. John could tell Sam seemed interested in what Joseph was teaching him. He knew from his meeting with the speech therapist that Sam may never be able to speak because Sam had never truly used his vocal cords in his entire life. Sam was also reluctant and downright horrified to even attempt to make sound.

Joseph signed to Sam, “Sam, how are you today?”

John watched Sam signed back, “I am okay. Thank you.” John knew that socially Sam was supposed to ask Joseph the same question back. It wasn’t something they have been able to accomplish. Sam hadn’t asked a single question since they got him back.

Joseph seemed unfazed by Sam’s lack of social etiquette. Joseph signed in reply, “That is good, Sam. I wanted to ask you something. Would it be okay if I brought a friend over with me tomorrow?”

John smiled because he knew what Joseph was talking about. They had talked about this earlier. Sam signed in reply, “I do not know, sorry.”

Joseph glanced at John and John took that as his cue. He signed as he spoke, “I think it is okay for Joseph to bring a friend tomorrow.” John hoped he got all those hand signs correct.

Joseph gave a happy smile and corrected, “Bring.” He watched the careful and slow way Joseph signed the word. Then John repeated the sign back to Joseph. Joseph smiled and replied, “Good.” Joseph turned his attention back to Sam and signed as he spoke, “Tomorrow, I am want to bring my little brother, Castiel. He is the same age as you and he knows sign language. Castiel is kind and enjoys nature. How does that sound?”

Sam replied and John could tell Sam was a little nervous, “Good. Thank you.” John was proud of Sam for being able to communicate with Joseph, Bobby, and himself with sign language. John knew it technically wasn’t speaking, but Sam’s hands were his voice and John thought he could live with that.

John knew Joseph and Castiel were going to have to show him the sign for Castiel a few more times before he got it. Castiel was an odd name.

++

John was more than grateful he owned his own business because it allowed him to take this time with Sam. Bobby owned the local salvage yard next door, so they were able to rotate between the two of them. As much as John wanted to be there for Sam, it was exhausting and sometimes he just wanted to go check on things at the shop. He was glad Bobby understood and was willing to spend time with Sam while he did that.

It seemed like every day, Azazel Masters had new charges added. John was grateful he was still in jail and Azazel’s seventeen year old daughter was in foster care. He had known Meg as she grew up and John did feel some anger toward her for not telling him where Sam was. However, John understood that she may not have believed it safe and she was just a child, like his boys.

John was watching Sam read one of his textbooks for school while he waited for Dean to get home from football practice. It should have ended an hour ago and there was still no sign of Dean. He was starting to get worried and he was considering calling Bobby to go look for Dean.  He knew he had a way of knowing if Dean was hurt or not now and he decided to use it.

John looked over at Sam and signed as he spoke, “Sam, I know you can feel Dean. Is he hurt?”

Sam looked up at John for a moment with what John could only describe as uncertainty. Then Sam signed, “No, he is happy.” John smiled at Sam. He hoped Dean was just talking to the other guys and not entertaining Lisa.

John watched Sam start reading again and he realized that the last time he saw Sam smile or laugh, his son was an infant.  John wondered now if Sam’s laugh would be silent or if Sam was even capable of laughing. He hoped one day he could hear Sam’s laugh, even if Sam never used his voice for words. 


	7. Chapter 7

Castiel was nice like Joseph said. He wasn’t a jerk like Dean. John and Bobby were nice too. Sam wasn’t sure if he was supposed to call John by name or Dad. Sam had been shown the hand signs for both. Sam had never used names before. He didn’t even really have a name until now. Before he was just Boy when Azazel felt like being nice. He was called other things when Azazel wasn’t in such a generous mood.

Sam still wondered when Azazel was going to come back. The bruises on his body had healed and he was feeling better than he could ever remember. He missed Azazel and Meg because they were the only people he had known throughout his life. There were Azazel’s clients, but they didn’t really know him. To them, he was just something to poke fun at and hurt. Azazel and Meg fed him and cared for him if he was good.

Sam recently started walking around John’s house without being told. He liked being able to stand and move around. It was new to him and he couldn’t decide if he liked his new found freedom or not. Azazel was right in that Dean would hate him. Sam knew that Dean never said that in so many words but he could feel it. He knew Dean was happier when he wasn’t around, so he avoided Dean. He didn’t want to make Dean feel bad.

He liked to sleep under one of the desks in their room, because it felt safe there. Sam knew the first couple times it annoyed Dean. Then Dean just sighed and said, _“Whatever freak.”_ Dean never talked to him anymore except for the polite responses he was expected to say in front of John. Of course, Sam knew he couldn’t talk to Dean. His soulmate didn’t know sign language.

Sam enjoyed his time with John and Bobby the best. Bobby had a scrap yard, which was full of things Sam had never seen before. Things he never even imagined being things. Bobby would wander the yard with him during the day when his dad had to work and explain what some of the things were. Bobby didn’t know all of the signs for all the things, but that was okay with Sam. He could always write down to word to ask Castiel or Joseph later.

This was where Sam was today. He was at the salvage yard and Bobby was letting him use a controller to pick up a car and move it. Sam knew it was dangerous and the first time the noise from the machine scared him. But Bobby gave him ear plugs and told him it wouldn’t hurt him. The hurts never came and Sam thought he could trust Bobby.

Bobby said calmly and signed to Sam, “Be careful and move your control a little to left.” Sam did as he was told and moved the control a little to the left. It lined up the car a little better to put in the stack of cars. Then he slowly lowered it down. Once it was settled and Sam released the car. Bobby proudly said, “Good job, Sammy.” He signed Sam but he spoke Sammy.

Sam knew Bobby and John told him they were proud of him a lot. They told him that they love and care about him a lot too. He thinks John tells him that twice a day at least. Always in the morning and always at night before bed. Sam smiled when he realized that Bobby and John showed him what nighttime and daytime look like. He looked up at the sky and smiled as he felt the warmth of the sun on his face. He never knew the sun was warm until they showed him. He never knew the temperature changed or that water really did fall from the sky.

Sam didn’t realize he was crying until he heard Bobby’s concerned voice, “Sam? Are you okay?”

Sam wiped his arm over his face to wipe away the tears. Then he smiled at Bobby. He signed, “Thank you. No one has ever been this nice to me. I never knew happiness and love until I met you and John. Thank you.”

He felt Bobby hug him and it was a nice hug. It was like the hugs John gave him. It wasn’t like the hugs Azazel gave him that were meant to hurt and control. Sam never knew hugs could be nice until he met them. Sam heard Bobby say, “I love you, Sammy and your daddy loves you too. We always have.”

Sam leaned back a little from the hug. That was another thing that was different with their hugs. He could move away from it if he wanted too. Azazel never let him go until he said. Sam signed, “I love you too.”

++

Bobby walked over to the John’s shop with Sam once he was sure the waterworks have stopped. He knew if Sam was still crying, even if it was out of happiness, John would still panic. John was a little protective of Sam, which Bobby could understand. Sam wasn’t ready to go out on his own to do anything.

He also knew that even though Sam was signing more, which qualified as talking as far as Bobby was concerned. Sam hadn’t told anyone what Azazel did to him. They only knew what happened from what the police were able to piece together. Bobby knew Sam probably knew a lot but was unwilling to say. He knew it would take time but he hoped one day Sam could talk about it.

Bobby set Sam up in John’s office with a computer game. Sam loved computer games and apparently never saw computer until he was found. He wandered into the shop and found his brother under a car. He tapped John’s shoe with his to get John’s attention.

John rolled out from under the car and stared at him for a moment. Then he said, “Hey Bobby, is everything alright? Where is Sammy?”

Bobby smiled and said proudly, “John, I was letting him move old scrap cars around the yard and he smiled. It was an honest to God smile.”

John beamed and got up from the floor and wiped his face. He said in disbelief, “He smiled?”

Bobby nodded and said again, “Yeah, he did, John.  He said he never knew happiness or love until he met us.”

John couldn’t get the smile to leave his face. He wiped off his hands with an old rag and wandered into his office. He spoke happily to Sam as he signed. “Hey Sammy, Bobby said you are having a good day with him. Do you want to tell me about it?”

Sam looked at him quizzically for a moment. John knew not to expect Sam to break out another smile just for him, even though he really wanted Sam too. Sam had only been home for a couple months now and a smile was a major step in Sam’s recovery. His son signed carefully, “I got to move an old car and I got to see the sky.”

John smiled at Sam. He knew Sam talked about the sky a lot. He asked Sam, “Why does the sky interest you?”

Sam stared at his hands for a moment. John could tell Sam was thinking about what to say and probably debating about whether or not to reply at all. Sometimes, Sam did not answer their questions. He watched Sam look up at him then Sam signed to him, “It is not what I imagined it to be. I had only read about the sky before. No one ever described the sky in books or what the horizon looks like. I thought the sky would square. I had never seen sunlight, the stars, or knew what night and day looked like. The night is not as dark as I thought it would be. The day is brighter than I could have ever imagined. It is beautiful and I want to enjoy it until I am no longer allowed.”

John had never seen Sam talk so much. Something must have broken Sam out of his shell. John wasn’t sure what it was, but he was grateful for it.  He replied to Sam, “You’ll always be allowed to go outside, son.” Sam had a small grin on his face John knew it wasn’t quite a smile but he would take it. He would gladly take it. He spoke as he signed to Sam, “I love you, Sammy.”

Sam got up from where he was sitting and walked over to John. John wasn’t sure what to make of that. Then Sam signed, “I love you, too.” Then Sam gave him a hug. He wrapped his arms around his son and closed his eyes so he could remember this moment. This was one of the best moments of his life.

++

Dean was sitting at the lunch table at school. He was playing footsie with Lisa while listening to the chatter. He knew he was on Gabriel Novak’s shit list which wasn’t a good place to be. Apparently, Gabriel’s soulmate of a little brother made friends with Sam and Castiel thought he was a dick so by extension Gabriel thought he was a dick.

Gabriel wandered over to his table and Dean was bracing himself for whatever lecture Novak had planned for him today. He knew it was probably more crap about how he should be there for his soulmate. Dean wanted them to fix Sam and then he might consider getting to know the little freak. It was bad enough he had to spend his afterlife with Sam. He just wanted a few years to cherish while he dealt with that after he died. Death was going to suck.

Gabriel was in a joyful mood today, “Hey guys, so Michael and Joseph are going out of town this weekend, so I am throwing a party at the old barn on my property.”

Lisa leaned forward and Dean felt her brush her chest against his arm. Dean should not find that erotic but he did. Lisa said playfully, “Are you bringing your soulmate, Gabriel?”

Gabriel rolled his eyes and announced, “Castiel may be there. He is a little introverted.” Gabriel paused and smiled. Dean saw him focus his attention on him, “Dean, you should bring Sam.”

Dean rolled his eyes and stated, “Sam doesn’t talk. He’s not exactly good company. Besides, I don’t want him mingling too much with my girl.”

Gabriel looked pissed which was rare. Gabriel didn’t even get mad when people teased him for his soulmate being his brother. His reply was venomous, “Sam talks plenty. You’re just not listening when he speaks. I know, I’ve talked to him and so has Castiel, Joseph, your father, and your uncle. If you would actually go to the sign language classes Joseph does for him, you would be able to talk to him too. It should be important to you to communicate with Sam. He is your soulmate.” He paused and took a deep breath, “And Dean, I do a lot of stupid shit but one thing I would never do become intimate with someone. Sam deserves better and you need to stop being a complete asshole to him.”

Dean shrugged and replied nonchalantly, “I think Sam’s life is better. He has my dad and uncle to coddle him constantly. He doesn’t need me. Trust me, he doesn’t like being around me.” 


	8. Chapter 8

The only way Dean could convince his dad to let him go out on Saturday night was if he took Sam. It felt like the entire world was conspiring against him. Gabriel wanted him to take Sam. His dad wanted him to have ‘bonding’ time with Sam. Dean was pretty sure Sam didn’t want to be around him anymore than he wanted to be around Sam. His soulmate was a freak.

Dean wasn’t sure what the worst part of it was. It could be that his junior year of high school which started off promising was now overshadowed by his little brother. He hadn’t had both Uncle Bobby and his dad at a football game since Sam got found. They both used to come to all of his games. Now, it was only one of them. The other one would stay home with Sam. They thought the crowds were too much for Sam to handle.

To make matters worse, Dean had to sit through the recording of his games the next day so Sam and whoever didn’t go could watch. It was torture. It was torture to listen to Bobby or his dad explain what was going on during the game every step of the way to Sam. He’d never actually had a conversation with Sam aside from Sam writing down a few things for him. But surely Azazel watched football. If not there was more wrong with Azazel than what Dean originally thought.

Azazel was another thing that irritated Dean. Every other day there was always some detective or FBI agent at their house asking questions. Sam, who according to Gabriel could talk, wouldn’t answer their questions. He would just stare at his hands and shake. So they wanted Dean to do some sort of soulmate mind meld with Sam to find out what he knew. Dean was not going to go poking around in that rat’s nest if he could help it. 

Dean decided not to worry about that crap tonight. Tonight, he was going to a party. He was going to ditch Sam somewhere and he was going to have sex with Lisa. That was his plan and no one was going to mess that up for him.

He arrived at the party a little after nine. Dean spotted an empty sofa off to the side that no one was sitting on. He led Sam over to it. Well, more like dragged Sam over to it. Sam kept trying to be a freak by covering his ears and he was shaking. He tossed Sam down on the sofa and said sternly, “Stay put.”

Then Dean wandered away. He found Lisa easily enough and they wandered back to one of the old stables to start their evening. Dean laughed when Lisa winked Sam’s directions before they left. He couldn’t see Sam but he was sure Sam was fine.

++

Gabriel sat down a tray of his special Jell-O shots on the table with the rest of the booze. It was special because he put laxatives in a couple of them. Castiel told him that was uncalled for but it would be funny, in Gabriel’s opinion. Castiel was only letting him get away with this because he had promised to clean up any poop before Michael and Joseph got back home.

He was smiling happily until he noticed a mop of dark brown hair curled up in ball, rocking back and forth, next to the old ratty sofa. Gabriel made his way over to the mystery person and when he got closer he realized who it was. It was Sam and Dean ditched him.

Gabriel took a calming breath and decided not to kill the jackass quite yet. He had to take care of Sam because somebody had too. He walked over to where Sam was and knelt down. He heard someone behind him shout, “Hey Gayriel is talking to Dean’s bitch.” He momentarily wondered why he invited homophobes to a party on his property. He decided to kick that asshole out after he got done dealing with Sam.

He reached out a hand and touched Sam’s shoulder and it caused him to flinch. Gabriel felt bad but he got Sam to untuck his head and look at him. Calmly or as calmly as he could, Gabriel signed and spoke, “Sam, come on. I will take you to the house where Castiel is. It is quieter there.”

Sam nodded and sat up. Gabriel could see the Sam was trembling and he had been crying. It made him feel like shit for even suggesting that Dean bring Sam. He wasn’t expecting Dean to run off without Sam and he knew Dean could feel what Sam was going through. He could feel it when Castiel stubbed his toe. Gabriel knew Dean could feel how upset Sam was.

He carefully helped Sam up and wrapped an arm around Sam. The boy didn’t seem to mind and Gabriel left the barn and walked to the house. Castiel was pacing when he entered the house and his soulmate frantically said, “Gabe, is everything okay? I felt…” Castiel shut up for a couple moments when he saw Sam. His demeanor changed to a calmer one and he signed as he talked, “Sam are you okay? Come sit down in the kitchen with me. I can get you something to drink. It is customary.”

Sam sat down in the chair of the kitchen and signed, “Hurts.”

That immediately set alarm bells off in Gabriel’s head. If Sam was hurt, they would have to call John. His party would get busted and he would be grounded by Michael until he turned eighteen or maybe until his soulmate turned 18. He took a deep breath and decided to see if he could find out what hurt before he called Papa Winchester. He carefully asked as signed, “What hurts, Sam?”

Sam frowned and Gabriel couldn’t help but smile. Sam’s face was rather expressive. He had a feeling that a lot of Sam’s communication prior to this was done with facial expressions, even if Sam didn’t realize it at the time. Sam signed, “No hurts yet. Hurts are coming though.”

Gabriel didn’t get it. He could probably win an award for being clueless. Lucky for him his soulmate, who just turned thirteen, was not so clueless. Castiel asked quizzically and signed, “Sam, did you think someone was going to hurt you? If so, why?”

Sam stared at his hands as he replied, “Yes, the smell and the people. Those bring hurts.”

Gabriel wasn’t sure what to make of that. Clearly, people had gotten drunk around Sam and hurt him. Gabriel wasn’t sure what a hurts was exactly. He hadn’t read much about the case with Azazel, but he did know there were charges for sexual assault along with aggravated assault and battery. Gabriel couldn’t understand why Dean didn’t want to protect Sam from that.

If it was Castiel feeling this way, Gabriel knew he wouldn’t let Castiel go and he would hunt down the bastard that hurt his soulmate and kill them. He spoke calmly and signed, “Sam, no one is going to hurt you. Why don’t you and Castiel hang out here for a little bit? I have to go take care of a couple things.”

++

Gabriel left after he was sure Castiel and Sam were going to be okay. He could feel Castiel’s concern for Sam or at least he hoped it was concern for Sam and not concern that he could get grounded for the rest of his teen years because of this party.

When Gabriel arrived back in the barn the homophobic asshole had already left. That checked one thing off Gabriel’s to do list. He wandered around until he found Dean. Dean was in the last horse stall making out with Lisa. He watched for a moment and realized Castiel was far more attractive, even though he wouldn’t dream of touching him like that for some time.

Instead of breaking up Dean and Lisa like he originally intended, he decided to scare the life out of Dean instead. He wandered back to where the liquor was. He grabbed a six pack and walked out to Dean’s car. Gabriel sat down on the hood of the car and leaned back. He popped open a bottle of beer and slowly started drinking it while it he waited.

It took about two hours. Then Dean came stumbling out with Lisa in toe laughing his ass off. Dean glared at Gabriel and grumbled, “Get off my car, Gabriel.”

Gabriel took another slow drink of his beer and said simply, “No, you’re not going anywhere anyways.”

Dean straightened and said clearly, “Look man, I am not drunk and I do not need my wheels smelling like booze. I haven’t drank anything all night. I just need to take my girl home and get home to my dad before he panics.”

Gabriel nodded slowly and said casually, “Really? Do you think you’re forgetting something?”

Dean glared at him and Gabriel was fairly certain Dean had completely forgotten he took Sam with him. Gabriel debated for a moment about whether or not to tell Dean where Sam was. He decided that he probably should because if he showed up at home without Sam, John might have a heart attack. Dean snapped at Gabriel before he could confess. “I have everything. I am not forgetting anything.”

Gabriel rolled his eyes and tossed his empty beer bottle to the side. He slid of Dean’s car and walked over to him. He firmly said, “Your soulmate, dumbass.”

Dean’s eyes became wide with the implications and he stammered out, “Where is Sam?”

Gabriel shrugged and leaned against the side of Dean’s car, “Safe. He was hiding and scared when I found him. That was a real shitty thing to do. I can’t believe you abandoned him to go fuck a girl. What makes it worse is that you could feel his fear when you left him.”

Dean rolled his eyes and stated, “He always hurts inside of me. It is nothing new. Why don’t you try walking around with a gaping wound inside of you for your entire life and see how it feels?”

Gabriel hummed for a moment and stated calmly, “I wonder what it feels like to be that open wound for your entire life. You, dumbass, are only feeling a sliver of what Sam is feeling. If you feel like you have a gaping wound. He probably feels like he’s been skinned alive.”

Dean pinched the bridge of his nose and said desperately, “Will you tell me where Sam is?”

Gabriel shrugged and asked casually, “Why do you care Dean?”

Dean sighed and stated defensively, “I don’t care. I just don’t want to get in trouble with my dad. If I lose the little freak, I am going to be grounded.”

Gabriel nodded and said regretfully, “It occurred to me the other day that you’re jealous of all the attention Sam is getting.”

Dean replied defensively and stepped forward to challenge Gabriel, “I am not.”

Gabriel laughed and said bluntly, “Oh, you are. You’re pissed because Daddy is taking off work for Sam and Daddy bends over backwards to make sure Sam feels safe. Dear Old Dad can’t make it to all your football games as a result and you have to settle for only having your uncle in the stands. You’re pathetic, Dean.”

Dean rolled his eyes and snapped, “Yeah, see how you feel if you have to give up half of your space and lose your cheering section for someone who can’t even talk. Oh, and I am supposed to marry the scarred up, castrated, uneducated, and mute little freak. Wonderful.”

Gabriel wasn’t sure which one of Dean’s insults caused him to punch Dean. But he felt his fist connect with Dean’s face and then the fight was on. It was only a few blows between them before Dean pulled back and grabbed his stomach. Gabriel stopped to see if Dean was done. It was then he realized Dean had an accident of sorts.

He started laughing hysterically when he realized Dean shit his pants which meant Dean took on the Jell-O shots with laxatives. Oh, karma was Gabriel’s favorite thing. Once Gabriel got control of his laughter he asked Lisa, “So Lisa, are you glad your boyfriend needs a diaper?”

He watched with amusement as Lisa left with someone else quickly. Gabriel turned his attention back to Dean. Dean was still catching his breath and was a bright shade of red. Gabriel took pity on him. He calmly said, “Dean, come over to the house. You can take a shower and borrow a pair of my sweats. Sam is playing board games with Castiel.”

Dean nodded and wiped the blood away from his broken lip. He sheepishly said, “Thanks, man.”

Gabriel nodded and said as he started walking, “But Dean, don’t say stuff like that about Sam again. Lesser men would have died in Sam’s situation. He had the strength to live.”

Dean sighed and said, “Isn’t that a little deep for you, Gabriel?”

Gabriel shrugged, “Maybe, Castiel tells me stuff like that all the time. We balance each other. I am sure you and Sam can balance each other if you would just give him a chance. He’s scared of you, Dean, and you should be the person he can trust the most.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of rape toward the end of the chapter.

Dean got grounded after the party incident. He sobered up before he went home but Sam told their father everything. All John did was ask how their evening was. Then Sam was signing away all the secrets of the night. Of course, Sam didn’t know about him screwing Lisa. Thank God. Dean was certain that he might be stuck indoors for twelve years like Sam if his dad found out that little gem.

Part of Dean’s grounding including losing custody of his car. So for the next two months, either Bobby or his dad had to pick him up and drop him off at school. That was the part that really pissed him off. He couldn’t drive his baby.

School was giving Dean a headache. Apparently, his fight with Gabriel was legendary because he pooped his pants. It was humiliating and the fact that Novak actually stopped the fight to laugh at him hurt his popularity. It did change a tide and now people were expecting him to be with Sam.

Dean wasn’t sure he what he wanted. He wasn’t sure he wanted to get to know Sam.  It meant learning sign language and accepting him. Dean knew deep down, Gabriel was right. He was jealous of Sam. He didn’t want to get to know Sam because Sam came into his life and turned everything upside down.

Dean knew Sam’s life sucked before. He didn’t know what Sam’s name was with Azazel. He didn’t really know anything about Sam’s time with Azazel. Dean knew his father knew some things, but John wouldn’t tell him. He knew there was a way for him to find out.

It was the weekend and Sam was curled up in the corner of his bed with a book. Dean took a deep breath and sat down on the edge of Sam’s bed. He carefully asked, “What are you reading, Sammy?”

Sam looked up at him and signed something. Dean had no idea what Sam said. He sighed and realized he should have known it wouldn’t be this easy. Sam had been on edge ever since the party and he wasn’t sure why. Part of Dean wanted to know and the other part of Dean didn’t care.

He walked over to his door and shouted, “Hey Dad, can you tell me what Sam is saying?”

John entered their room a few moments later. Dean could see he wanted to say something. He probably wanted to tell him that he should go to sign language class and while Dean could understand that. He didn’t want to go to sign language class. As far as he was concerned, Sam needed to go to speech therapy. Granted the couple times, John took Sam it didn’t go over well because trying to get Sam to speak scared him.

John politely and gently said, “Hey Sammy, can you tell me what you told Dean?” Dean watched Sam sign something again. He thought whatever Sam said this time was a little different or at least the hand move movements looked a little different. Once Sam was done moving his hands around, John turned to Dean and said, “Sam said he is reading about outer space. It is an assignment for his science class. Our goal is to get Sam up to grade level so he can go to school next year in the fall.”

Dean closed his eyes and thought. They had a four year age gap and he would be a senior next year. That meant Sam would be freshman, if they didn’t start him at a lower grade level. If Sam was placed as a freshman, they would go to the same school. Dean felt the sudden urge to go bang his head against the wall. He did not want Sam going to the same school.

That meant he would have to give Sam a ride to and from school. If they had the same lunch hour, which knowing the way the administration at the school had been helping Sam get caught up, it was meant they would have to sit together. Most importantly, it meant his social life would be over.

While everyone gave Gabriel shit about Castiel being his soulmate. Gabriel was still socially expected to be around Castiel and vise versa. Of course, Gabriel never cared when people teased him about Castiel. He never entertained the idea of being with someone else. He was faithful. It did hurt Gabriel’s popularity to accept God’s arranged marriage without any issue, but Gabriel handled it with a grace Dean did not possess.

Dean knew he hadn’t had a nice a word to say about Sam since Sam was found. He outright rejected Sam, which initially made him popular. However, after the party there was a changing tide. He wondered if maybe his rant about how messed up Sam was caused people to change their mind. Dean had no idea.

He didn’t want to talk to Sam anymore. He wanted to go feel sorry for himself. Dean rolled his eyes and said agitatedly, “Great.” Then he walked out of the room.

++

John watched Dean leave and he shook his head. He turned his attention back to Sam and signed as he spoke, “Don’t mind him. He’s just been in a mood lately.”

Sam nodded slowly and signed, “He had hurts.”

John frowned. He knew Sam still hadn’t gotten to the point of asking questions. Sam signing things that concerned him or things that he was thinking was a major step. However, Sam didn’t question anything around him. He didn’t ask how someone’s day was. He didn’t ask what was for dinner. He didn’t ask anything. John carefully asked as he signed, “What do you mean, Sammy?”

He watched as Sam sat his book down. Then Sam shook a little. John wasn’t sure Sam was going to answer him. Finally Sam signed, “The place where Dean took me. He got hurts. Gabriel took me away before I could get hurts too. But Dean got hurts. Dean felt angry when he got his hurts. I do not think Dean knew hurts come from places like that.”

John gave a sad smile. He knew about the party at the barn on the Novak’s property. Michael was rather upset with Gabriel for throwing the party and disappointed in Castiel for not telling him about it beforehand. John knew that Gabriel found Sam at the party, curled up in a ball, alone and frightened. Gabriel took Sam to Castiel and they calmed Sam down.

John didn’t know what Dean was doing exactly. He didn’t know why he exactly he ditched Sam. He did have a pretty good guess that it had to do with Lisa and John did not know who Dean got into to a fight with. John hoped that Sam would be easier to manage as teenager. He was starting to wonder if Dean was going to be the death of him.

He signed back to Sam as he said calmly, “Dean got into a fight. He went to the party to have a good time. Teenage boys fight sometimes. It is nothing to worry about. Dean is fine.”

Sam nodded slowly then perked up a little. John could tell Sam was wanting to be helpful when he signed, “I can show Dean how to hide from hurts to his face.”

John was fairly certain he wanted to go have another breakdown. The fact that Sam saw his knowledge on how to protect himself as something worth sharing with Dean stung. Not because, he didn’t think Dean didn’t need to know how to protect himself in a losing fight, but because Sam’s entire life for twelve years was based off knowing when to protect himself and never fight back.

++

Dean grumbled all the way to school on Monday. Then he grumbled in the hallways. He grumbled in front of his locker. He was just in a grumbling mood. Dean knew his life was over. He was currently staring at the contents of his locker and wondering if he could get Sam to help him with his algebra homework. He knew Sam knew how to do it. The problem was Dean couldn’t understand a word Sam said.

It was then Dean heard a female voice behind him, “Hey Deano, long time no see. How are things at Camp Winchester?” Dean steadied himself. The voice belonged to Meg, the bitch. Her voice even sounded condescending.

He pulled back from his locker and saw a small group of students gathering. Dean knew he had to defend what little honor Sam had. Otherwise, he would look worse than Meg. Carefully Dean said, “Meg, leave me alone.”

Meg pouted at him and said in a mock sadness, “But Deano, you’re playing with one of my favorite toys. Daddy said he was all mine. How is Boy?”

Dean took a steadying breath and said sharply, “Boy?” He knew that was probably the stupidest thing he could say. He was drawing out a conversation with Meg. However, he was curious what Meg knew.

Meg grinned, “Brown hair, hazel eyes, has your name on his arm. Ring any bells, Dean?”

Dean narrowed his eyes on Meg and replied coldly, “You mean my little brother, Sam. He’s doing much better now that you are out of his life.”

Meg raised an eyebrow and asked casually, “Really? He liked his time with me so much better than his time with my dad and his friends.”

Dean took a step toward Meg. He stated harshly, “I don’t care if you were the angel in house. That doesn’t change the fact that your dad and you kept my soulmate from me. Sam was tortured and hurt. No one is ever going to treat him like that again.” Dean thought that was true. With his dad and Bobby babying Sam, his brother had a pretty laid back life ahead of him.

Meg smirked, “Only you, right Deano? Only you can torment Boy. I heard what you did at that party and I heard what you said about him. You and I both know you don’t want him in your life. At least I took the time to give the little shit some affection for doing what I want or what my father wanted.”

Dean said nothing because, he knew there was no point in defending his actions that night. He knew he was in the wrong. He turned back to stare at the inside of his locker, which was a much safer place to look than at Meg. He was having trouble not punching the bitch. Sadistic bitch or not, Dean knew he couldn’t hit a girl.

Then Dean heard Meg say mockingly, “If it makes you feel better, Deano, before my father broke Boy of speaking he could say your name. He used to think that you were like him. He thought you were someone else’s pet. Too bad, you’ll never hear him say your name.”

Dean rested his head against the lockers and said in defeat, “Meg, please go away. I really have nothing to say to you and Sam has said my name.” He didn’t want to go into how Sam didn’t actually speak. Sam signed and Dean didn’t know most of what Sam said. He did recognize his name though.

Meg raged behind him, “That little disobedient shit.” Dean said nothing and didn’t turn around. There was really nothing to say to that. Then Meg nearly fumed when she said, “It doesn’t matter, you’ll never be Boy’s first. You should have seen his face afterwards.”

Dean literally saw red. He was angry. Sam was a child. A small, frightened, and traumatized child that the police were unsure if he had been raped. They think that Sam had some sexual abuse, but they couldn’t pinpoint what. Dean turned around and snapped, “You raped my brother?”

Meg laughed, “No, he liked pleasing my dad with those acts. He never said no, but he couldn’t talk anyways. Dad always took his time to make sure he didn’t damage the product. I never touched him.”

Right when Dean was about to punch her, Ms. Harvelle appeared. Her voice was stern, “Miss Masters, come with me to the office. Mr. Winchester, go to the teacher’s lounge and call your father.”

++

Bobby picked Dean up from school after that. Dean rushed into the house and found Sam sitting at the dining room table doing a puzzle. Sam had a look of concentration and amazement on his face. Dean smiled.

He walked over to Sam and wrapped his arms around his soulmate. Dean held Sam tight as he whispered into Sam’s hair. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I’m sorry I didn’t protect you. I’m sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am using a different word processor because my computer had a painful death and is getting repaired. So as always, if anyone sees something glaringly wrong, please let me know. I am human and therefore prone to make errors and omissions.


	10. Chapter 10

Dean had actually been behaving himself since his encounter with Meg at the school. Meg, who originally said she didn’t know anything, changed her story after what she said to Dean was reported. The district attorney cut her a deal for telling them what she knew.

John didn’t like the idea of a deal but he didn’t have a choice in the matter. Azazel was the main culprit not Meg. Meg would get away with only community service for lying to police. As it turned out, Meg had hit Sam before and she liked to burn him. It was Meg, not Azazel, who tried to burn the name of Sam’s soulmate off his arm. She was a child when she did it because she was angry that someone else had claim to her toy as she called Sam.

Azazel broke Sam of speaking when Sam was around three. Meg didn’t remember the exact details but she said Sam said no to one of Azazel’s business partners. When Azazel went to punish Sam, his son argued and pouted. Sam’s resistance earned him losing his ability to speak. John doubted Sam even knew what he was arguing about or understood what could happen if he disobeyed. Sam was three and John knew that three year olds seldom listened to reason.

Meg claimed not to be sure when the sexual abuse started. She said Sam was young and she didn’t know if Sam was ever penetrated. However, she had seen Sam performing oral sex and she said her father claimed to have penetrated Sam. John didn’t want to think too much about that and he wasn’t sure he wanted to ask Sam about that.

John was currently at the last game of the football season with Sam and Bobby. They thought it would be good for Sam to get out an experience one of Dean’s games. Dean was the main quarterback for this game since the one ahead of him was injured.

It was a cold fall night and John made sure that Sam was dressed appropriately. He knew that only recently Sam had become exposed to temperature changes more than a few degrees. They were sitting away from the bulk of the crowd. John knew Sam did not handle loud noises or groups well. They knew they were pushing it tonight.

John had Sam sit in between him and Bobby. This way Sam wouldn’t have to worry about a stranger sitting next to him. The game itself was uneventful. They were playing a better school that liked to play dirty. It gave John an uneasy feeling because he didn’t want Dean to get hurt. Dean had always been as stubborn as a mule and an injury would cause endless protests from his son.

Toward the end of the game, when they were only behind by two points. John saw Gabriel and Castiel walk up the bleachers toward them. John gave them a smile and Sam eyed them curiously.

Castiel spoke clearly and signed first. “Hello, I hope it is okay we stopped by. We wanted to see how you guys are doing.”

John smiled and signed as he spoke, “I am enjoying the game. Dean seems to be holding his own.” He turned toward Sam and asked as he signed, “What do you think, Sammy?”

Sam looked up at him. His eyes were wide and curious. John knew Sam never experienced this before. This was new. “Dean feels stressed. My teeth are shaking and I don’t understand what that is. It is loud and there are a lot of people. I saw some of these people the night Dean got hurts.”

Gabriel visibly cringed. Then Gabriel composed himself enough to say calmly. “You’re shivering. That is what it is when your teeth shake in the cold.” Gabriel paused and repeated, “Shivering.” He made the handsign slowly so Sam could copy it.

John watched the boys repeat the sign back and forth to each other for a couple moments. Then Sam smiled and signed, “I am shivering.” John had never seen someone look so delighted to be cold in his life.

Bobby chuckled and signed as he mused, “Your soulmate will throw a fit when he shivers.” John saw a look for concern cross Sam’s face. Bobby quickly shook his head and added, “Don’t worry, Dean is working up to much of a sweat to shiver right now.”

Sam nodded slowly in understanding and John was impressed with how far Sam had come in just a few months.

++

The game ended with a last minute win and Dean could not be more excited. He brought it home for his team and that made him proud. Hopefully, he could be the starting quarterback next year. That would be a great way to start his senior year.

Dean quickly showered after the game and changed into his street clothes. There was a dance tonight, but he wasn’t sure if he was going. Dean hadn’t asked John about it, but he had a feeling the answer would be a firm no. Much to Dean’s disappointment, his dad wasn’t as stupid or blind as he hoped.

He knew that his dad had a suspicion about Lisa. Dean knew his dad probably didn’t know how far it went but he knew John would cock block him to the best of his abilities. As it was, Dean did have an interest in Lisa. Dean knew it was wrong, but he just couldn’t look at Sam that way even if he wanted too. Lisa was a distraction.

Thanks to Gabriel and actually going to the sign language classes, Dean could understand most of what Sam said. His little brother was interesting and had a certain cuteness about him. He did feel a sense of completeness inside of him when he spent time with Sam. Dean especially liked to show Sam new things, which wasn’t hard. Practically everything was new to Sam.

Dean could see himself developing an attraction toward Sam,  but not enough to touch him or want to make out with him. Dean did not want to be like one of them. He did not want to be like Azazel or Azazel’s friends. He wanted to respect Sam and looking at Sam in a sexual way was not respecting Sam. His brother was too young and too traumatized to be looked at like that.

This was why Dean wanted to see Lisa. He could blow off some steam and not have impure thoughts about Sam. He felt like a pedophile when thought about Sam like that. Dean had to tell himself not think about Sam like that for a few more years. However, Dean still had teenage needs in the meantime.

He walked out of the locker room with his gym bag. Dean had a grin on his face because he was certain Bobby would complain about his dirty socks. He found that he had about four dirty pairs in the bottom of his locker and they were a little rank.

Right before he was about to step out on the field, he was cornered by Lisa. Lisa pushed him against the wall and he let her. Dean felt her lips on his and he was too stunned to return the kiss. He did however drop his gym bag and he had his hands pressed against the wall like he was unsure what to do. They hadn’t done anything more than talk since the party and Sam was in very close proximity.

Lisa pulled back and whispered into Dean’s ear, “Come on, Dean.” He felt her rub her hands up and down his chest. He closed his eyes and swallowed hard. Dean felt her latch her lips on to his neck and start to suck. He knew he could not walk out there with a hickey but he didn’t stop her. She stopped after a couple moments and said quietly, “I know you want it, Dean. If you didn’t you would have stopped me by now.”

It was true, Dean did want it. He just didn’t know if he should. Whenever he talked to Bobby about these feelings, because it was way less awkward to talk to Bobby about this than his dad. Bobby asked him rather bluntly if his hand was broke. When Dean told him no, Bobby informed him that his hand could be used to take care of those problems.

In the end, teenage hormones won out. Dean reached up and cupped the back of Lisa’s head as he started to kiss her passionately. By the third kiss, he felt something inside of him build. It was the feeling of rejection from Sam. Dean pulled back and put his hand over his heart. He had heard about this in his class on soulmates. If one soulmate rejects the other one, it can cause both parties a severe amount of physical pain.

Dean pushed Lisa back by the shoulder and said painfully, “Stop, Sam.” Then Dean turned his head to see Bobby and Sam staring at him. Sam looked completely dejected and Dean wasn’t even sure why. It wasn’t like Sam knew how relationships worked. Sam probably felt it was wrong from him.

Bobby just looked pissed off and Dean knew the only reason Bobby wasn’t chewing him out was because of Sam.

++

Dean didn’t get chewed out by Bobby. He got chewed out by his dad and the promise of no more sports. Dean was mad about not being able to play sports next year or practice with the guys during the off season. However, he was more worried about Sam. He could feel Sam and over his dad speech about respecting Sam, he could hear Bobby trying to comfort Sam.

He walked into his bedroom and saw Sam hiding under the desk. It was one of Sam’s safe places. His brother had a couple throughout the house and Dean learnt not to say anything about it. Bobby was sitting on the floor a few feet away trying in vain to calm Sam down.

Sam was signing over and over again, “I want to go back. Dean doesn’t want me. He rejected me, just like they said. They said he would because they made me. They made me, I didn’t want too. I swear.” Dean knew Sam was talking about the sexual assaults. Even though, Sam never once went into detail or talked to the police about it. Only at night, in the dim light of the room would Sam tell Dean things. Nothing big, just little things. Words that would mean nothing to most people, but Dean knew what Sam was trying to say.

Dean knelt down on the floor next to Sam and reached out his hand toward his brother. He gently brushed Sam’s arm and he saw Sam flinch away from him. He then laid down on the floor and stared at the ceiling. He thought about signing when he spoke, but decided against it. Dean didn’t know the signs for everything he wanted to say.

His voice was broken when he spoke, “Sammy, please don’t ever say you want to go back there again. I know Azazel hurt you and he took things from you. Things that I know he told you were mine. I don’t want to touch you like Azazel did. I don’t want to look at you like that. I want you to be a kid. You’ve never gotten to fly a kite or play in a playground. You’ll never experience so many things because of him and I wish I could give you those things, but I can’t. I don’t want you to grow up because of me.”

Dean paused and looked over at Sam, who was watching him intently. He gave a sad smile and continued, “I am sorry about Lisa. She is the only one. I did have sex with her and it was my choice to do that. I don’t expect you to forgive me but I want you to know it is over and it won’t happen again. I was being young, stupid, and careless. I don’t care what I have to do to prove to you that I am not rejecting you. I love you, Sammy. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I want to spend my afterlife with you.”

Dean watched as Sam laid down on the floor next to him. Sam curled up close but wasn’t touching. He felt Sam put his hand on his his chest. Dean could feel Sam better and Dean knew Sam could feel his sincerity. He hoped that would be enough but he knew it wasn’t. Dean could still feel that Sam felt like he was being rejected.

He sighed and stared at Sam’s face. Dean quietly said, “I want to see inside your head, Sam. If you’ll let me. I.. Please. I need to know I still matter to you. I want to understand you. I know we’ll have to go to the hospital for that but Dad and Uncle Bobby will be there. You’ll be safe. I promise.”

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

Sam figured he must have done something wrong. He must have been doing something wrong to cause Dean not to like him and try to replace him. Sam knew he could do those things Dean did with that girl, but maybe Dean didn’t want someone like him. Dean said that too. Dean said he didn’t want him like that.

He heard Dean’s reason’s but Sam knew that he was damaged. Dean didn’t want anyone damaged. Sam knew that. Sam could feel that. He wanted to go back and be with Azazel and Meg. They didn’t care that he was damaged. They were the ones that damaged him. They were the ones that made him unfit for his soulmate. Sam knew he didn’t belong around Dean.

It made Sam want a hurts. He wanted to have a reason to hurt inside. A reason better than the petty one he had. Sam had been told all his life that Dean would hate him and reject him. This was nothing new to Sam. He guessed it just hurt to see it and feel it first hand.

Sam couldn’t bring himself to sleep. The light was different here and he just wanted to feel safe. He wanted darkness to wrap him up like it did when he was with Azazel. There were no dark places like that here. Even in the closets light shined through and Sam knew he worried John when he hid there.

He hadn’t slept in two days and he was hiding under the desk in his soulmate’s room. Sam knew it was his too, but it felt like Dean. The person that would never love him. It made him upset to know that the love and happiness he felt from Dean wasn’t for him. Sam doubted there was even a piece of it that was for him regardless of what Dean said. He sometimes wondered who holds Dean’s heart.

Sam heard the bedroom door open and he looked up. It was John. He had a glass of water and a pill in his hand. Sam knew what was coming. He was going to get drugged. He had been given pills before. Usually the pills just made him forget things. Azazel had him take pills sometimes when people would come over. He could remember bits and pieces from when he was drugged but he didn’t like to think about that.

John knelt down in front of Sam and said gently, “Sammy, I need you to take this. It will help you get some rest.”

Sam knew better than to tell John no. Azazel had taught him what would happen if he refused something like this. Sam wanted a hurts but not a hurts like that. He took the pill from his father’s hand and put in his mouth. He took it dry. Then he opened his mouth to show he swallowed it like Azazel taught him to do.

He curled back up under the desk and wrapped his arms around his legs. Sam felt his body tremble and he felt confused. He wanted Azazel back, because it was familiar. That world was smaller and it made sense to him. This world with John, Bobby, and Dean did not make sense. It was huge and full of things he never knew about. Things he didn’t understand. He liked some things better with Azazel and he liked some things better the way things were now.  

Sam felt his thoughts get sluggish and he knew the drugs were kicking in. These drugs felt different from the drugs Azazel gave him. He fought to keep his eye open but eventually, he lost the battle.

 

++

Once the sedative took effect John saw Sam fall asleep under the desk. John knew Sam slept under the desk. He wasn’t sure why but he was told small spaces were comforting to Sam. Still he gently pulled Sam’s sleeping body out from under the desk. He picked Sam up and held his son in his arms. Sam’s head rested against his chest and he was taken back to the last time he held Sam like this.

He hadn’t held Sam since Sam came home. John had hugged him, given him a gentle squeeze on the shoulder, wiped away his tears, but never held him. No one had gotten to be that close to Sam, not even Dean. Sam was a baby, the last time he held his son. John wondered if anyone held Sam during his time away. He knew that even if someone did, it was meant to hurt.

John carried Sam over to the bed. It was never used. He laid Sam down gently and pulled the covers up over him. John leaned down and kissed Sam on the forehead. He ran his hand down Sam’s arm. He could feel the raised skin where the burns were and where the other scars were. John couldn’t tell what was used to scar his son and he knew Sam would probably never tell him. He ran his thumb over Dean’s name on Sam’s arm. He hoped Dean could make it up to Sam.

He got up slowly and left the room. He walked into the kitchen where Bobby, Dean, and Dr. Richardson were. Dr. Richardson smiled and said softly, “Is Sam asleep?”

John nodded and said weakly, “Yes, he is.” John felt a pit in his stomach with what was going to happen but it had to be done.

Dr. Richardson nodded and turned to Dean, “I am going to give you shot, Dean. Have you heard of African Dream Root?”

Dean glared at her for a moment and said defensively, “Yes, I am not stupid.”

Dr. Richardson just smiled and said calmly, “Oh, of course you aren’t stupid. This root was engineered to form  link between soulmates. Some of what you’ll see will be Sam’s fears. Some of it will be his wants and some of it will be his memories. Sam will be able to tell you what is what after you find him.”

Dean held out his arm and said, “Shoot me up.” Dr. Richardson quickly gave Dean a shot in the arm. Then they followed Dean into his bedroom. Dean scooted Sam over a little on the bed and laid down next to him.

John watched Dr. Richardson put a monitor on Dean’s finger. She spoke quietly, “This will monitor your heart rate once you are asleep. If it gets too high, I will wake you up.” Dean nodded and wrapped his arm around Sam’s waist. Then Dean closed his eyes.

John exited the room and hoped everything was going to be okay.

 

+

It took Dean a while to fall asleep. Once he did, he found himself in an area of complete blackness. He could feel the hard floor beneath his feet, but he couldn’t see it. He couldn’t see anything. Dean shouted into the darkness, “Sam? Sammy?” Dean heard nothing in response.

Dean wandered around in the darkness until he found a wall. He trailed his fingers along the wall until he found a doorknob. He opened the door and walked through. This room was white or it was at one time. The paint was yellowed with age. There were no windows and the stale smell of sweat clouded his noise. Dean looked around and he saw a tattered blanket on the floor. He walked over to it and picked it up. Dean felt a wetness on the blanket.

He turned the blanket around in his hands and he could see blood. The blood stained his hands and Dean could see it dripping on the floor. He dropped the blanket back on the ground and backed away.

That was when he ran into someone. It was a solid force behind him. Dean turned around and saw Azazel. Dean swallowed hard and thought how it figured Sam would have Azazel dancing around in his head. Dean turned around to face Azazel. This was the man of Sam’s nightmares.

Firmly Dean started to say, “Where…” Dean cried out in an unimaginable pain that radiated from around his neck. It felt like he was being electrocuted and through his screams he realized he was being electrocuted. He focused on being silent and as soon as he fell silent the pain stopped. Dean was curled onto the floor with Azazel towering over him.

Azazel looked menacing and far more horrifying than Dean could have ever imagined.He watched as Azazel reached down and grabbed him by the hair to pull him up. Dean struggled slightly in Azazel’s grasp, but in this world inside Sam’s head, Azazel was absolute and unstoppable. Azazel seethed into his ear, “You do not talk, Boy. You do not make a sound. You are nothing to no one. Nothing doesn’t speak.” Azazel shoved him back down to the floor and kicked Dean hard in the abdomen.  

Dean watched Azazel fade away into nothing. Then he slowly pulled himself up from the floor. Dean looked around and saw a door next to the staircase. He walked over it to warily and he opened it. Inside Dean could see a wine cellar but next to the wine cellar was a false wall.

He carefully moved the wall and inside it was dark, but the room was dimly lit by the light from the cellar. It was a small space that narrowed with the stairs. Dean could smell urine and it was nearly overpowering. He realized as he looked at this space that it was one of the places Sam was kept.

Dean knelt down to get a better look at the area and in the very back corner of space, where he could barely see it was an army man holding a flag. He reached out and picked up the army man and looked at it. The army man had dried blood on him but as Dean looked around the space he realized this was Sam’s toy. Possibly Sam’s only toy and he hid it to keep it safe.

Carefully, Dean put the toy back where he found it. When he turned back around the room fell to darkness and the false wall was put back into position. He was trapped. Dean pushed on the false wall and shoved at it but it wouldn’t budge. He didn’t have enough space to stand up completely to use his full strength to knock it down and he couldn’t lay down.

He sat down next to the wall and let the darkness overtake him. He felt alone and hopeless. Dean wondered how much time Sam spent in this area. There was no way to tell time. Minutes, hours, or days could have ticked by and Dean would have no way of knowing. There was no light. There was no sound. There was just nothing.

Dean closed his eyes tightly and prayed this would be over soon. When he opened his eyes, he was naked and in a shower. The scolding hot water was burning his skin. Dean tried to flinch away but there was no where to escape the heat of the water. He looked up and saw Azazel glaring at him. Dean said nothing and waited.

Azazel barked at him, “Wash yourself, Boy. Allistair will be here soon. He will be using his razor on you today.”

Dean stared at Azazel as he washed his body. He had no idea why he was doing this. It was a dream. He knew that. Azazel couldn’t really hurt him but he still felt this fear of what could happen inside of him.

Once Dean was deemed clean. Azazel turned the water off and Dean cautiously died off. He scanned the room for Sam and he didn’t catch sight of his brother. He noticed the lack of mirrors in the bathroom. Dean wondered if that was the way it really was or if the lack of mirrors indicated something else inside of Sam.

Dean felt Azazel grab onto his arm and he was thrown into a room. This room had leather furniture and deep red walls. The room felt powerful and had a presence about it that scared Dean to his core. He looked around and he saw another man. This man looked to be about the same age as Azazel and was gently teasing his facial hair with a razor. It scared Dean.

He felt Azazel shove him toward the man and Dean was ready to wake up now. The man, who Dean guessed was Alistair, grabbed him and shoved him to the ground. As Dean hit ground, he realized this was one of Sam’s memories. He was seeing this through Sam’s eyes. That was why he wasn’t struggling or fighting. Sam didn’t put up a fight because Sam knew that fighting would only cause him more pain.

Dean felt the man shove his legs apart and he watched as the man lowered the razor to his groin. He felt a blinding white pain between his legs. Dean opened his mouth to scream but no sound came out. He was silenced in this dream, just as Sam was silenced in life. Dean felt himself start to drift away from the pain and he welcomed it. He wanted his pain to end. He wanted to wake up.  


	12. Chapter 12

John watched helplessly as Dr. Richardson tried to get Dean to wake up. The monitor on Dean’s finger was beeping erratically. Dean was covered in a layer of sweat and was struggling in his sleep. John wanted to do something but there was nothing he could do.

When Dean let out another strangled cry in his sleep, John snapped, “If you can’t wake Dean up then why don’t you wake Sam up?”

Dr. Richardson eyed John from where she knelt by Dean. She was hooking up an IV to his arm. She stopped her work and sighed, “Sam was given a pretty powerful sedative. He also hadn’t slept in days. Sam won’t wake up until the sedative wears off which will be hours from now. Dean was not given a sedative. He should be able to wake up but whatever is going on inside of Sam’s mind is keeping him trapped there.”

John ran his hands through his hair and looked over at Bobby. He weakly asked, “What have I done?”

Bobby nodded and said gruffly but John could tell Bobby was just as concerned as he was, “Dean will be fine. He’s strong.”

John shook his head and stared at his boys, “Not as strong as Sam.”

Bobby asked Dr. Richardson, “What if we separated them? So they weren’t touching. Would that help Dean?”

Dr. Richardson frowned and said bluntly as she pushed something into Dean’s IV, “No, it could make it worse. Dean has to find Sam in the dream. Separating them could cause Sam’s mind to wander further away from Dean. Sam knows Dean is inside of his head, but right now Sam is either unwilling or unable to find him.”

++

Dean found himself in a dark blue room. It was square. He thought it looked something like blue of bruise and he couldn’t figure out how he came to that comparison. He looked around and saw what looked like literal pillows hanging from the ceiling. He let his eyes take in the room a few times.

He realized this wasn’t real. This was Sam’s imagination but for the life of him, he couldn’t figure out what Sam was imagining. He laid down on the hard floor of the room and stared at the ceiling. He took a deep breath and tried to feel what Sam felt so he could understand why Sam created this in his mind.

Dean closed his eyes and when he opened them he was outside. Well, not really outside but he was in a memory of Sam’s. He recognised where he was. Dean was curled up in a little ball, like Sam was, on a wheelchair. He was on the walking path outside the hospital. This was the first time Sam had ever been outside.

Dean felt himself get up out of the chair and he immediately realized it was painful to move. However that didn’t stop him. He looked up at the sky, just like Sam did that day. Dean felt himself fill with wonder and awe. It felt unbelievable to see this. Dean felt the wind touch his skin and it was like he never felt that before.

He could feel the wind touching every inch of his body which was something he never noticed. This was something Sam noticed. Dean realized that not only had Sam never seen the sky. Sam had never felt the wind swirl through his fingertips or the heat of the sun on his face. All of this was new to Sam.

Just as Dean was starting to get a feel of what Sam was experiencing with this. He heard his voice and he sounded like more of an asshole than he thought, “Is the sky really that interesting, Sammy?” Dean felt himself look up and see the dream version of himself. This Dean looked angry and downright scary. Not Azazel scary, but scary none the less. He felt ashamed and he found himself staring at the ground.

The ground was also new, Dean realized. The dirt between the grass and even the grass itself was something Sam had never seen before. However, he felt to much fear inside to explore it like he wanted too. Dean thought back to the last time he played in the mud. He had to be eight or nine. He realized that Sam never got to play in the dirt with his friends. Sam never even had friends, much less dirt.

Dean closed his eyes and shook his head. He felt ashamed for making Sam feel like that. He wished now that he could do things differently that day.

When Dean opened his eyes, he found himself in pink room. It looked girly, very girly. There were no mirrors or pictures of boy bands. Nothing to indicate anything existed outside this space. He looked down at himself and realized he was wearing a pink frilly dress. Dean let out a groan of discontent and he felt the pain of being electrocuted radiate from his neck and throughout his body. Dean screamed and he realized a little belatedly that the screaming was making him hurt more.

Dean focused on not making a sound and the pain stopped. He was starting to realize why Sam never spoke, groaned, or made any sort of noise. If this is what he felt when he made the smallest noise, Dean thought he would be a little skittish about starting to make sounds.

He looked around the room and he saw Meg humming to herself in the corner of the room where a bookcase was. Dean watched her closely. She walked over to him and Dean realized Meg was younger in this memory. Here Meg was only about nine or ten. Meg sat down next to him and easily moved his smaller dream body onto her lap.

Dean didn’t like this. He felt Meg card a hand through his hair which he realized was long like Sam’s hair. He felt Meg take hold of one of his hands and she started trimming his nails as she hummed. Dean couldn’t help but wonder if this was one of Sam’s better memories. There was a sweetness to Meg’s hum and the warmth of her body against his made him feel wanted. He didn’t feel loved but he felt wanted.

After Meg finished trimming his nails, she declared, “There your nails are pretty now.” Meg then shoved him off of her lap and stood up. Dean figured that must be as much niceties Meg could stomach for one day. Meg walked back over to the corner of the room and grabbed a notebook and a binder.

Dean watched in careful silence as Meg tossed the notebook and the binder toward him. The binder hit him in the head. He wasn’t sure what to make of that. Then Meg stated firmly, “That is my math homework. Dad made a copy of my textbook for you. He had to take out all the pictures before I could give it to you. But study it and you are now responsible for it. If I get a bad grade. I’ll tell Dad.”

Dean felt himself nod slowly and pick up the supplies from the floor. He crawled over to the corner of the room and opened the binder. That was when he found himself entranced by the numbers. He felt a freedom in the numbers. The numbers never hurt. The numbers never lied. The numbers just were. Dean realized the numbers were Sam’s friends. Even in the darkness Sam could still see the numbers in his mind. The numbers distracted him when he hurt, when he was afraid, or when he was alone.

Dean closed his eyes and he was on the floor again in the dark red room. His body hurt in between his legs and Dean could feel his blood sticking to his thighs. Dean heard banging and shouting. Then someone he never saw before pulling him so he was laying on his back. Dean stared at the man, who looked rather imposing. The man was dressed in black. He had a gun and he was wearing a helmet.

Dean realized this was a member of the swat team that stormed Azazel’s house. He heard the man say nervously, “Hey kid, it is going to be okay. I am going to get you out of here. You just have to trust me.” The man leaned back from Dean a little bit and said into the collar of his shirt, “I am going to need paramedics. I am bringing out an injured child. He looks to be about 10 years old.”

He felt the man easily pick him up and started to carry him up some stairs. Dean felt himself relax and drift away from the memory.

When the next memory came into view, he was in the hospital. Dean was curled up into a little ball like Sam had been. He noticed the blood was cleaned away and he smelled sterile, like a hospital.

A woman came into the room. She looked serious. The woman smiled at him and Dean didn’t smile back. She stated calmly but with a bit of an edge, “What is your name?”

Dean found himself not responding to her question. He realized this must have been what Sam did.

The woman sighed and said bluntly, “My name is Bela and I work with the FBI. I want to help you get reunited with your family but to do that, you have to tell me your name.”

Dean found himself frowning at her. He really wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t like she said anything unreasonable, but then Dean realized Sam didn’t even know his own name. He didn’t know if his family was good or bad. He didn’t know what happened to Azazel or Meg. He probably had no idea who the FBI were.

He watched as Bela walked over to him and grabbed his arm. Dean looked at it and realized that his arm said _Dean Winchester_. Bela wrote down the name and declared hatefully, “Fine, don’t tell me your name. I’ll just track down your soulmate instead. You better hope you had nothing to do with what Azazel was doing. If you did, you’re never going to see Dean.”

Dean felt himself start to tremble when he heard another voice. He looked up and saw a grey haired doctor. The doctor’s voice was stern, “Agent, please leave. You are upsetting my patient and threatening a traumatized child is pretty low even for you.”

Bela turned toward the doctor and stated harshly, “He knows things. He helped, I know it.”

The doctor sighed and stated clearly, “The young man’s name is Samuel Winchester. He was kidnapped when he was six months old. He is twelve now, even though he doesn’t look it. His father and soulmate are on their way here.”

Dean watched silently as Bela stormed out of the room. The doctor let out a slow breath and looked at him calmly. “It’ll be okay, Samuel. Everything is going to be okay.” Dean heard the words but he didn’t believe them.

After the doctor left, Dean got up from the bed to take in his surroundings. He wasn’t sure if Sam did this or not. Considering when he pulled back the curtain to look out the window there was nothing but blackness, Dean guessed Sam did not wander.

He decided to see if he opened a door if it would take him to another memory. Dean opened the door to the bathroom and stepped inside. He was in his own body now and Sam was in his. Sam was wearing the pajamas their dad had bought him after his first night at the hospital.

Sam was staring in the mirror and taking in his face. Dean was silent. Then he heard Sam speak. His voice sounded every bit like a child. “I thought someone was watching me the first time I looked into this. It wasn’t until John told me it was a mirror and I was looking at my reflection that I understood. This is what I look like. I’m ugly.”

Dean stared at Sam a little dumbfounded for a couple moments before he found his voice, “You’re one of the most handsome people I’ve ever seen, Sammy.” He wondered why Sam could talk inside his head but not when he was awake. Dean decided not to pry into that too much right now. He knew that he had other things to tackle.

Sam turned to look at him and his little brother looked sad. He asked a question which was something Dean knew Sam had never done before, “Why are you here, Dean? Why are you inside my head?”

Dean became very uneasy with that question and said carefully, “Sammy, I love you and I am worried about you. I want to understand you and I want to know what happened to you. So I can help you.”

Sam frowned and said calmly, “You can’t help me, Dean. No one can.”

Dean reached out toward Sam but stopped. He asked carefully, “I know that Azazel hurt you, Sammy, but that doesn’t make me love you any less.”

Sam nodded and Dean watched as the world faded around them and they were in the dark red room again. They were both sitting against the wall and Sam spoke quietly to Dean. “These are Azazel’s business partners. If I entertain them well by letting them touch me and putting their cocks in my mouth, I will get to eat their scraps from dinner. If not, I don’t get to eat. I heard everything they were planning while I entertained them. I think Bela wants to hurt me for knowing those things.”

Dean watched as memory Sam moved over on his knees in front of one of the men. Memory Sam had no face and Dean realized that was because Sam didn’t know what he looked like at the time. He turned away from what was happening and said quietly, “I’m sorry, Sammy. I still love you and I will protect you.”

Sam shrugged and world changed again. Now they were back in their bedroom and Sam was hiding under the desk. Sam sounded a little sad, “I know you don’t love me, Dean. I can feel you. You are happiest when I am not around.”

Dean protested, “That is mostly not true. I do love you. I always have. I have treated you poorly and I am sorry for that. I was just starting to find out what a neat person you are when I screwed up again. I’m sorry and I just want you to give me another chance.”

Sam nodded and said quietly, “Okay, I can do that. I know the other reason you are here is to find out what I know. I know where you can find that information.”

The world faded again and they were in the white room with yellowing walls. Sam pointed up at a ceiling tile in the corner of the room. He said confidently, “Azazel hides the video from his meetings up under the ceiling tile in the corner. I didn’t know they were tapes until Bobby showed me tapes one day. It was then that I made the connection. I wasn’t sure what he was hiding before.”

Dean nodded and said carefully, “Thanks Sammy. I have a more important question for you. The army man in the corner of that room, was that your only toy?”

Sam smiled and said fondly, “No, it wasn’t my toy. I never had toys. It was yours. Meg told me you played with it one day with her. I hid it in my mouth when I left her room and put it in the shrinking space. I wanted to have something that reminded me of you. I thought it was the closest I would ever get to you. It was my only treasure and now it is lost.”

Dean couldn’t help but think that Sam has freedom now. He has his soulmate, but to Sam that wasn’t a treasure. He didn’t know what Sam thought of what he had now. However, now that he found Sam and could talk to Sam, he didn't want to wake up. 


	13. Chapter 13

Dean had so many questions for Sam, now that he could talk to Sam someplace that was safe. He started to ask another question or maybe defend himself to Sam when he started to feel himself wake up. His eyes slowly focused on the where he was. Dean was still laying in Sam’s bed and Sam was asleep next to him.

He looked around and saw that he had an IV in his arm. Dean wasn’t sure what to make of that. He saw his dad and uncle standing off to the side in the room. Dr. Richardson was kneeling next to him and she was talking to him. It took Dean a moment to register what she was saying. His head still felt a little foggy.

Her voice was laced with concern, “Dean? Can you hear me?”

Dean nodded and his voice was a little scratchy when he spoke, “Yes, I can hear you.”

Dr. Richardson asked carefully, “How do you feel, Dean?”

Dean sat up slowly and said with mild annoyance, “I feel fine. I was starting to get somewhere and I woke up. Why isn’t Sammy awake?”

Dr. Richardson stood up and spoke carefully, “Sam will be asleep for a few more hours. You started to show signs of distress so we had to wake you up.”

Dean groaned and flopped back down on his pillow. He turned to his dad and said, “I need to go to the station and talk to Sheriff Mills but I want to be back before Sammy wakes up.”

++

When Sam woke up the first thing he noticed was it was difficult to keep his eyes open. He realized it must be from the drugs his dad gave him. Sam wasn’t sure what they did to him while he was drugged. He remembered his dream or at least he thought it was a dream. Dean was inside his head talking to him which made no sense because Dean wouldn’t talk to him. Dean thought he was a freak and unlovable.

His dream Dean said that he loved him and seemed to honestly care, which Sam knew was completely different from the soulmate he actually had. His soulmate didn’t care about him. Sam wished for a moment that the Dean in his dreams could be the real Dean but Sam learnt along time ago it is pointless to make wishes. Wishes only lead to disappointment.

As Sam started to become more aware of his surroundings, he realized he was on his bed and there was a warmth behind his back. He could feel the warmth moving and it took him a moment to realize it was a person. Sam looked down and realized that two arms were holding him. They were Dean’s arms.

Sam started to feel disgusted with himself and he hated himself even more now. He was foolish and stupid. Of course, these people would want to use him like Azazel did. Of course, they would want Dean to do it. He took a moment to see if he could feel any hurts on his body. Sam couldn’t find any. He figured that they must have been gentle, which Azazel did sometimes.

He noted that at least they put his clothes back on which was something Azazel never did. Sam remembered he had to earn his clothes back from Azazel and that was never easy. Sam let a few tears fall down his face because he didn’t want to do that with Dean or John. He didn’t really want to do it with Azazel either, but at least Azazel wanted him. He knew John wanted him, but Dean didn’t want him.

Sam wasn’t sure what to do. He knew beds were for hurts and he was on a bed. He hadn’t been left alone on the bed to give him time to hide. Sam knew that with Azazel, he didn’t leave the bed until either Azazel threw him off or Azazel left. Sam didn’t know what Dean’s rules were. Dean had never said.

He shifted a little on the bed as he wondered if maybe they just touched him and didn’t put anything inside of him. Sam hated being drugged, but it did allow him not to remember things which he was sure he didn’t want to know about. However, sometimes not knowing made it worse.

Sam felt Dean kiss him on top of the head and it took everything inside of him not to bolt. The months away from Azazel had caused this sort of unwanted touch to become unfamiliar and he was able to recognize it now as unwanted. Before he thought it was just the way things were, but John and Bobby had shown him differently. Sam heard Dean’s voice and it sounded gentle. It was a far cry from the way Dean normally talked to him. “Hey sleepy head, how are you doing?”

He wondered for a moment if maybe he wasn’t supposed to sleep when Dean was home. Sam didn’t really want to sleep anyways so that was okay with him. Still he couldn’t stop his silent tears, because he didn’t want this. He thought he did but he was wrong. It was more confusing to have Azazel’s world mixed with this one. He didn’t like it.

Sam signed carefully, “I am fine. Thank you.” He didn’t really know what else to say. He knew what he wanted to say. He wanted to tell Dean to get his hands off of him, but Sam knew not to do that. It would cause a bad hurts.

Dean hummed for a moment. It was a thoughtful hum like Azazel would do sometimes when he was about to do something painful, like shocking him for the fun of it. Sam felt Dean tighten one of his arms around his waist and then Sam felt Dean wipe away his tears. Dean’s voice was gentle again, “Sammy, it’s okay. I am sorry we didn’t tell you about the dream root beforehand. I know it probably brought up some painful memories for you, but I think I understand you better.”

Sam was pretty sure he stopped breathing. Dean just said that his dream where he thought Dean was in his head was real. Dean was really there and it was really Dean saying those things to him. That meant Dean wanted to try to be nice to him or something. Sam wasn’t sure. He wondered if they really touched him when he was drugged or if it was just Dean poking around in his head.

Dean spoke again and he sounded concerned, “Hey Sammy, you don’t need to be afraid. Just breathe for me.” Sam took a deep breath to placate him. Then Dean said, “That’s good, Sammy.” His soulmate paused and Sam was still hoping that Dean would leave him alone now.

Sam felt Dean pull away from him and he couldn’t help but feel relief. Dean got up off the bed. He watched Dean closely as Dean grabbed a bag off of his desk and sat down next to Sam on the bed. Dean held out the small plastic bag and Sam took it. He looked at it and realized that inside the bag was the army man from Azazel’s house. He looked up at Dean curiously as his hands shook. He knew he couldn’t sign right now if he wanted too.

Dean spoke nervously and rubbed his hand behind his neck as he talked, “You said this was your only treasure so I talked to Sheriff Mills and she got it out of evidence for me. It’s yours and no one is going to take it from you. I promise.”

Sam carefully took the toy army man out of the bag. He closed his eyes and felt the curves of it with his fingertips. This was how he cherished his piece of Dean in the darkness. He knew every flaw of the toy and when Sam opened his eyes, he knew this was the same toy. Dean wasn’t just giving him a replacement. Sam closed his hands over the army man and held it close to his chest. He could feel the tears streaming down his face, but he didn’t care. He had the one thing that meant anything to him back.

He sat the army man down on his lap and signed, “Thank you,” to Dean. Then Sam picked up the army man with one hand and reached forward to Dean. He gave his soulmate a brief hug before pulling back.

Dean smiled and said nervously, “I am glad you like it. Also, Dad is making sure Agent Bela Talbot won’t talk to you anymore. I told Dad about the memory you had of her threatening you before we got there.” Dean paused and Sam was surprised with the conviction in Dean’s voice, “Sammy, I felt and saw pieces of what you went through. Please believe me when I tell you that anything you did does not make you a bad person. I know you would have gotten tortured for refusing anything. Agent Talbot is a bitch and you don’t need to worry about her. You’re not in trouble for anything that happened, I promise.”

Sam was starting to realize that Dean was asleep with him for at least part of his dream. He decided to take his chances. He wanted to see if this would cause a hurt or not. He signed, “Can I get off the bed? Hurts happens on beds.”

Dean frowned but said carefully, “Yeah Sammy, but you don’t have to ask me stuff like that. You can move around whenever you want.”

Sam nodded in understanding and got up from the bed. He sat down under the desk and pulled his knees up to his chest. He wrapped his arms around his legs and in one of his hands he tightly held his treasure. Sam rested his head on his knees and cried. He didn’t know what else to do.

++

John was surprised that Sam slept for twelve hours after Dean woke up. He knew Sam was tired and he wasn’t sure what to make of Sam’s demeanor after he woke up. Sam seemed different and maybe even a little more afraid.

He was not pleased to learn about about one of the FBI agents threatening Sam. John had an attorney look over paperwork from this district attorney’s office which basically stated Sam wouldn’t be charged with anything. It angered him that he had to get this paperwork in the first place. Sam was the victim of a crime. He was a kidnapped child, but somehow that didn’t matter to people like Bela Talbot.

He knew they threw away the chance to shut down Azazel’s entire operation to save Sam’s life. However, John did not think that gave them the right to treat Sam poorly. John was called down to the police station to go over what was on the tapes they found during a second search of Azazel’s home. He knew Dean told them where the tapes were.

John was led back into an interrogation room and sat down. A few moments later, Sheriff Mills came in the room holding a folder. She looked grim. The sheriff sat down across from John and took a deep breath. She sounded regretful when she spoke, “As I am sure you know by now, Sam was horrifically abused. Sam was not the only child to pass through Azazel’s grasp. All of the children except Sam were kept in an old warehouse owned by a man named Alistair. Dean mention that was the name of the person who mutilated Sam.”

John nodded slowly in understanding and said nervously, “Yes, Dean told me about Alistair.”

Sheriff Mills frowned and continued, “We found the warehouse and Alistair had not cleared out the other children. Those children are in the hospital and that was why I wanted to talk to you. Alistair trained the children, much like Sam was trained, not to speak and to obey without question. They were also taught how to do sex acts and how to handle large amounts of pain. Sam was used to showcase their capabilities.”

John closed his eyes and said weakly, “Okay, what does that mean for Sam?”

Sheriff Mills let out a slow breath and said regretfully, “Sam had inside knowledge of what was going on within the operation. He did not know where the other children were kept, but from the tapes we know that he did know there were others.”

John replied defensively, “Sam is a child and a victim. He is barely starting to sign how he is feeling.”

Sheriff Mills put up her hand to stop John’s reply. She calmly but firmly said, “Sam is not in trouble for anything. While the business was discussed, Sam was forced to do unspeakable things. From the tapes we reviewed, Sam was as young as eight years old.”

John decided to take the sheriff’s word on those acts being unspeakable. He leaned forward on the table and rested his hands over his face. John didn’t know what to do. There was no magic fix for what Sam went though. He mumbled into his hands, “What do you want from my family?”

Sheriff Mills closed the folder and said slowly, “We want a written statement from Sam going over what he remembers. There maybe things that aren’t on the tapes that he remembers. We have enough just by what is on the tapes to put Azazel and the others away for a long time. However, they could still get out someday.”


	14. Chapter 14

Dean wasn’t sure what to do about Sam. Ever since he got caught with Lisa, Sam hadn’t been sleeping. They tried the dream root and even though it seemed to Dean like they were talking fine in Sam’s head when Sam woke up things were not okay. Dean couldn’t help but wonder if Sam felt like he intruded in his personal space.

As it was now Sam would stay awake for three to four days until either he or his dad would give Sam pills to make him go to sleep. Dean wanted to just give Sam the medication every night so Sam would sleep. His little brother was barely signing anything and stayed in one of his hiding spots throughout most of the day.

Sam also wasn’t eating. He would just stare blankly at his plate of food and not touch it. If he left food for Sam by one of Sam’s hiding places, Dean noticed Sam would at least pick at it. Sam just had this miserable look about him. His face was always stained with tears. Dean wanted Sam to feel better but he didn’t know how to go about that. This had been going on for a month now.

Dean grabbed a couple of the sleeping pills and a glass of water. He walked into his room and sat down on the floor in front of Sam. Sam was hiding under the desk. His soulmate was crying and his arms were wrapped around his legs.

He spoke gently to Sam, “Hey Sammy, why don’t you take these so you can sleep?” Dean watched in silence as Sam’s entire body shook with his words. He paid attention to what Sam was feeling inside of him and realized Sam’s fear rose. Sam felt like a mix of defeat and fear. Dean sighed and said, “Come on Sammy, help me out here. Why don’t you want to these? You haven’t slept in days and you need your rest.”

Sam frowned at him, but all Dean could see was how weary Sam looked. His soulmate was very close to giving up. Sam signed a single word shakely, “Hurts.”

Dean nodded because he thought he understood. He tried to be helpful, “Are the meds giving you side-effects? Like headaches?”

Sam weakly shook his head no then he signed, “I don’t want hurts.”

Dean didn’t get it. He sighed and said as calmly as he could, “What hurts? Are you having nightmares? We could talk about it if you want.”

Sam pushed himself under the desk a little more, if that was even possible. He adamantly shook his head no and shook. Dean didn’t know what to do. Sam had never refused the pills before. He guessed it was either Sam having the psychotic break the doctor talked about due to lack of sleep or Sam was expressing how he really felt. Dean hoped it was the latter.

Dean decided to try to compromise. He suggested, “Okay, why don’t you lay down on the bed and relax?” He was hoping that if Sam laid down that maybe he would fall asleep on his own. It was tiresome to have to pull Sam out from under the desk every time after the medication kicked in.

Sam paled and Dean wondered if he said something wrong for a moment. But then, Sam pulled himself out from under the desk and walked over to the bed. It looked like Sam was on a death march. Dean could not fathom what it was Sam had against beds.

Sam sat down on the edge of the bed. He pulled off his socks and neatly folded them.Then he sat them to the side. Next Sam took off his shirt and Dean got to see how Sam was healing. His little brother didn’t have bruises covering his chest anymore. However, there were still scars and burn marks. Some had faded with time and others were still red. Sam folded his shirt neatly and sat it down on top of his socks. That was when Dean saw that Sam was crying a little harder.

He wasn’t sure what to do. He was glad Sam was shedding clothes to get comfortable but he couldn’t understand why Sam was crying like he was. Sam pulled off his pants next and now Dean could see that Sam was shaking. He was getting more upset and Dean didn’t know why.

Sam looked up at him and Dean could see the pain on Sam’s face. It clicked with Dean that Sam didn’t want to be doing this. He asked carefully, “Sammy, do you want me to get you a set of your pajamas? You look pretty uncomfortable.”

Sam looked down at his hands and Dean thought Sam looked confused. He signed, “I don’t know how you want to hurt me. I was drugged the other times. I thought taking my clothes off would make it easier for you. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to mess up your plans.”

Dean resisted the urge to hold Sam and tell him that he never hurt him. Instead he picked up the small blanket Sam kept under the desk with him and draped it over Sam’s shoulders. He sat down on his desk chair. Dean made sure there was a few feet between him and Sam. He watched as Sam wrapped the blanket around himself tightly.

Dean took a deep breath to steady himself then he asked carefully, “Sammy, do you think when Dad or I give you those pills that we were drugging you to molest you?” Sam gave Dean a confused look and he took that to mean Sam didn’t know what the word molest meant. Dean simplified. “Do you think we were having sex with you or touching you in ways you don’t want?”

Sam nodded his head yes but did not sign anything. He looked up at Dean with fearful eyes. Dean felt terrible for causing Sam that pain.

He adamantly said, “Sammy, you have to trust me on this but I’ve never and Dad has never touched you like that. The pills make you go to sleep because you’re not going to sleep on your own. All that is happening to you is you’re sleeping aside from the one time I had a look inside your head. I am sorry for not getting permission from you before I poked around in your memories.”

Sam bit down on his lip and Dean waited to see if Sam would say anything. He pulled his hands out from under the blankets and signed, “Why do I always wake up on the bed? Beds are for hurts.”

Dean swallowed and said quietly, “Sammy, a bed is where people sleep because it is safe and warm. People aren’t supposed to get hurt in bed.”

Sam nodded and signed, “Why were you touching and kissing me in bed?”  

Dean felt like crap. He was trying to comfort Sam and Sam thought he was getting molested. He was fairly certain he was the worst soulmate ever. Dean carefully said, “I was holding you, Sam. I didn’t touch your private parts. I wanted to comfort you and make you feel better. I’m sorry my actions upset you.”

Sam made a face like he was going to yawn but no sound came out. He never made a sound. Dean got up and pulled out a set of Sam’s pajamas and handed them to him. Then he left the room to give Sam some space.

He wandered out into the garage and found a sliding lock. Dean took it back to his room and installed it on the inside of the door. Sam was back under the desk but he was dressed now. Dean closed the door and said calmly, “Sammy, I want to show you something.”

Sam got up from under the desk and walked nervously over to Dean.

Dean smiled and said, “This is a sliding lock. I don’t know how to sign that but we can ask Joseph. Anyways, when you feel like sleeping, all you have to do is come in here and close the door. Slide the lock like this and no one can get in. You don’t have to worry about anyone hurting you.” Dean opened the door and asked, “Sound good?”

Sam nodded and signed, “Thank you.”

Dean resisted the urge to ruffle Sam’s hair and he stepped out of the room. As soon as he stepped out, he heard the door gently close and the lock slide across it. Dean hoped Sam would get some sleep now. He also hoped his dad wouldn’t be pissed off about him installing a lock on his bedroom door.

++

Sam stared at the lock on the door. He fiddled with the doorknob a little bit and realized it was halfway secure. He knew John or Dean could probably break it down if they wanted to but he would hear that.

He picked his blanket up off the bed carefully. He didn’t want to sleep on the bed regardless of how great Dean tried to make it sound. Sam turned off the light and curled up under the desk. He grabbed hold of his treasure and then he wrapped the blanket around himself. He closed his eyes and let himself fall asleep. Sam felt safe for the first time in a long time.

When he woke up light was breaking through the window. Sam stood up and walked over it. He guessed the sun was starting to rise, but he didn’t have a good view from this window. Sam remembered that one time Dean woke him up when it was still dark out so he could watch the sunrise. Sam never knew the sky could be so many different colors and Dean had to keep telling him not to look directly at the sun. It was one of his better memories with Dean.

Sam walked around the room and flexed his fingers in space that no one could hurt him in. He smiled and he opened his mouth. He tried to constrict his throat like the speech therapist said to do to make sounds, but nothing came out. He tried a couple more times before he gave up for right now. Sam wanted to be able to talk like everyone else but he couldn’t.

He knew they said that he may never be able to talk and part of Sam wanted to prove them wrong. The other part of Sam didn’t even want to try because when Azazel took him back that would just be something Azazel would have to break him of. Sam didn’t remember ever being able to speak. But Meg said he talked until he was three. Sam wondered why Azazel took away his voice. He didn’t know but he knew he had other things to worry about.

Sam hoped Dean was telling the truth about no one touching him in bad ways when he was drugged. He still had his doubts but he could feel Dean and he could feel that Dean was being sincere. Sam decided to keep his distance and sleep behind a locked door for awhile. If they were really being sincere, it wouldn’t matter.

Sam carefully unlocked the door and stepped out of the room. He smelled breakfast being cooked. He wandered into the kitchen and sat down at the table. John smiled at him signed as he spoke calmly, “Hey Sammy, did you sleep well?” His voice had a little bit of an edge to it.

Sam frowned and signed, “Yes, I did. Thank you.” He really wasn’t sure what else to say. He was learning that there was a social protocol to questions like that and he hadn’t yet mastered what to say in response. The only person he felt comfortable asking questions around was Dean because he could feel Dean and know Dean wasn’t about to beat him.

John sat a plate of food down in front of Sam. Sam took a moment to look at and he realized it was bacon, eggs, and pancakes. He never had pancakes until he came to live with John. They were pretty good, but Sam didn’t understand why someone would pour that overly sweet sugary stuff on it. He thought they called it syrup but he wasn’t sure. He liked his with a little bit of butter on them. The butter didn’t really make a taste difference but Dean said it made him look cultured. Sam wasn’t sure what that meant but he could feel happiness from Dean when he did it.

Sam started to carefully eat his breakfast when John spoke again. His voice was nervous, “Sammy, Dean told why you haven’t been sleeping or eating. I want you to know that I would never do something like that to you, neither would Dean, Bobby, or anyone else you come in contact with on a regular basis now. If locking your bedroom door helps you to feel safe enough to sleep, I want you to keep doing that. Do..do you want to have your own room? Dean is okay with helping me clean out my office so we can turn that into his room.”

Sam thought for a moment and he nodded his head in agreement. He signed, “I would like that. Thank you.”


	15. Chapter 15

Bobby was glad Sam was doing better. He had told John not to give that boy drugs but John was stubborn and didn’t listen. Bobby didn’t rub in that he was right though, not with what Sam thought was happening to him when he was asleep. He figured just hearing what Sam thought about it was enough punishment, however he did tuck it away for future use when John decided to do something stupid again.

Bobby had spent most of the weekend cleaning out John’s office, if it could even be considered that. It was a man cave, in Bobby’s opinion, and the look on Dean’s face when he found his father’s old adult magazines was priceless. About half of the content of the office was trash. The other half either ended up in one of Bobby’s storage sheds or in the garage. John rearranged his bedroom to put a small desk for bills.

They moved some of the furniture out of Dean’s old room and separated the bunk beds. They put bed risers under the remaining bed in what was now Sam’s room. It was Dean’s idea so Sam would have enough room to curl up under the bed and hide if he wanted too. When Bobby had asked Sam if he wanted to paint the room and Sam gave him a blank look.

Bobby realized that Sam had probably never seen paint before. The color things were just were and Sam had never been given the freedom to explore his world. He convinced Dean to paint his room to show Sam. They took Sam to the hardware store with them to get paint and Sam was entranced by the color cards. He never realized there were so many different colors.

John let Sam take one of just about every color card home. Bobby wasn’t sure what Sam was going to do with them but Sam seemed pretty happy. Dean seemed happy too and Dean even asked for Sam’s input on the paint color. It was nice to see Dean actually treating Sam well. The boys decided on a light green.

After the paint discovery, Bobby went out and bought crayons and coloring books for Sam. He knew most twelve year old boys did not color, but he suspected Sam would enjoy it. Bobby was right and he was currently watching Sam color at his kitchen table as he sipped on a cup of coffee.

Bobby sat down next to Sam and sat down his coffee. He signed as he spoke carefully, “What are you coloring, Sammy?”

Sam stopped coloring for a moment. Then he signed, “It is a tree with decorations on it.”

Bobby leaned forward and looked at the picture. It was of a Christmas tree. Sam’s first Christmas was coming up and Bobby was excited so one of the coloring books he picked up was a Christmas themed book. Sam didn’t color the tree green or the star on the top of tree gold. Sam colored the tree red and orange. The star was silver. He was glad Sam was showing creativity. He smiled and said, “It looks good.”

Sam nodded and then Bobby noticed Sam was looking out the window. A light snow had started and it occurred to Bobby that Sam had never seen snow. He happily said as he stood up, “Grab your coat and we can go outside.”

Sam quickly went to grab his coat and Bobby lead the way outside. Once they were in the middle of the yard, Bobby watched as Sam looked up at the sky to watch the snow fall down. It was starting to stick to the ground, but Sam seemed more interested in what was coming from the sky. After a while, Sam held out his hand and watched the snowflakes fall onto the palm of his hand.

He looked up at Bobby and Bobby could see Sam’s curiosity. He smiled and said, “It’s snowing. Do you like catching snowflakes in your hand?”

Sam nodded slowly and signed, “It looks like the clouds are falling down in pieces.”

Bobby smiled because he had never thought of it like that. He grinned and said, “I guess it is, Sammy.”

++

Dean was sitting down to lunch when Lisa plopped down across from him with her friends. He resisted the urge to roll his eyes and asked sharply, “What?”

Lisa twiddled her fingers and said calmly, “How is Sam doing? He looked upset the last time I saw him.”

Dean sighed and he didn’t feel hungry anymore. He stood up to go get rid of his tray. Dean stared at Lisa for a minute. Then he said firmly, “Stay away from me and stay away from Sam.”

Lisa giggled. She leaned forward and whispered, “Oh come on Dean. This is high school, enjoy it. You have the rest of your life to be bound to Sam. Live a little like we planned. I know you’re going to end up with Sam and I am going to end up with Adam Mulligan.”

Dean shook his head and walked away he deposited his lunch tray in the trash. Then he wandered down the hallway to the gym for the rest of lunch. As he was walking past the locker rooms Coach Walker stopped him.

Dean stared at Coach Walker for a few moments then he said calmly, “Hi Coach, how are you?”

Walker grumbled and seethed, “I lost my starting quarterback because of his worthless soulmate.”

Dean took a calming breath as he thought about his options. There was no way this was going to end well. He spoke as carefully as he could, “Sam is not the reason I am no longer on the team. I am not on the team because my father pulled me. I was acting recklessly and taking away sports is how he decided to handle it. He could change his mind but calling my father’s youngest worthless probably isn’t a good way to start convincing him.”

Walker gave Dean a shove and he didn’t fight back because that would be stupid. He would get suspended and it would be Dean’s word against Walker’s. Dean knew they would believe Walker over him because Walker was staff and Dean was a student. Walker had always had a thing against soulmates. He never had a soulmate so he never felt another person like the majority have. Walker was bound to no one.

Walker gave Dean one hard punch in the stomach and Dean curled over in pain. He looked up at Walker and he snarled at Dean, “Just remember Winchester, your soulmate will have me for gym class and I will make him suffer if you don’t get your sorry ass back on my team.”

Dean coughed slightly and said with conviction, “If you do anything to Sam, I swear I’ll..”

Walker laughed, “You’ll what? There is nothing you can do. No one will believe you and from what I hear Sam is mute so he won’t be telling any tales.” He reached out and pulled Dean back by his hair so hard his eyes started to prickle with tears. Walker shoved Dean’s head against the wall and said firmly, “Do what I say and your bitch will be fine.”

Dean stared at Walker as he walked away. Once he was out of sight, Dean took a couple deep breaths to calm himself. This was bad. He closed his eyes as he tried to center himself.

When he opened them Gabriel Novak was grinning in front of him. He slowly opened up his jacket pocket and pulled out a tape recorder. Gabriel clicked out the tape and handed it to Dean. Then he walked away without a word.

++

John was upset and angry when he listened to the tape recording Dean gave him. The first part was boring for the most part. It was just a lecture. Then John listened to Dean’s former football coach threaten Sam and assault Dean. He didn’t need more problems in his life and this was just one more thing.

He made a copy of the tape and took it directly to the superintendent of the school district. He would take to the Board of Education if he had too. John just wanted Gordon Walker out of that school and away from his sons. Much to John’s relief Walker was suspended without pay pending the investigation.

John decided not talk about this in front of Sam. He didn’t want to scare Sam away from going to school. Sam was slowly starting to get better and he didn’t want someone like Gordon Walker to cause Sam to have to be home schooled for another year. Sam needed to be around children his own age.

He still hadn’t gotten Sammy to either write a statement about what Azazel did or give a statement to police. Sam was pretty tight lipped about what went on and John knew that it was difficult for Sam to think about. He didn’t push because he knew they had enough evidence to hopefully put everyone involved away for a long time. John knew he would have to mention it to Sam again soon.

John wandered through the house looking for his sons. He didn’t immediately find them. The sound of Dean’s laughter drew him to the backyard. Sam and Dean were playing in the snow. John hoped Dean had enough common sense not to throw a snowball at Sam. He noticed that Sam flinched every time Dean laughed. John wasn’t sure what to make of that.

He watched Dean lay down in the snow and splay his arms and legs to make a snow angel. Dean’s voice was cheerful and as he stood up, “Look Sammy, I made a snow angel.”

Sam frowned and John couldn’t help but shake his head. His youngest signed, “What is a snow angel?” John was a little taken aback by Sam asking questions so freely. Normally it was something done with apprehension on Sam’s part but this time Sam didn’t show any nervousness, just curiosity.

Dean grinned and said simply, “Look my arms made wings and my legs made the dress that angels wear. It was made in the snow so it is called a snow angel.”

Sam nodded slowly and signed, “What are angels?”

Dean knelt down in the snow and started packing a ball of snow. He shrugged with Sam’s question and replied carefully, “Angels are God’s helpers. It is believed they help lead soulmates together. It is believed they come in many forms.”

Sam frowned and signed, “So angels planned for Azazel to take me?”

John wasn’t sure what Dean was going to say to that. Dean stopped packing down the snow and looked at Sam. He adamantly said, “Sammy, if there is good in this world then there is also evil. Angels cannot stop every evil act. What happened to you and the others was evil. You did get rescued though and you’re safe now. Azazel can’t hurt you anymore. I promise.”

Sam sat down in the snow. John watched as Sam trailed finger in the snow for a few moments. Then he signed, “The cop who carried me out of Azazel’s house was an angel.” Dean started to roll his ball of snow around in the snow to make it bigger. John guessed Dean was going to try to make a snowman. John remembered that Dean liked to build snowmen and knock them over. He hoped this one would last longer for Sam’s sake.

Dean stared at the snow as he talked. John could barely hear him. “You know Sammy, the cops still want to get an account from you on what happened. They just want to make sure Azazel can’t do anymore evil. You could save someone else from going through what you went through if you talked to them or wrote a statement.”

Sam nodded slowly then he signed, “I don’t know what they want to know and I don’t like the questions they ask me. I don’t want to talk about them hurting me. I feel scared when I think about it.”

Dean nodded and said quietly, “What about Azazel’s business with trading people? Do you think you could tell them about that if they agreed not to ask you any questions about your assaults?”

Sam frowned then he signed, “I think I can do that. Will you be there?”

John watched Dean give Sam a sad smile and his oldest said, “Of course Sammy, I’ll be there every step of the way if you want me to be.” Dean paused and his tone changed to a playful one, “But right now, we have a snowman to make. You may not know this but snowman building is an important life skill.”

 


	16. Chapter 16

Sam was a little nervous about going to the police station. Dean suggested they go there for his interview with Sheriff Mills. Dean thought it would be better not to this at home and Sam was trusting Dean. He was trusting that Dean was telling the truth about Sheriff Mills being nice unlike the others that tried to talk to him.

Dean was going with him and so was his dad and Joseph. Joseph had to go so he could tell Sheriff Mills what he was saying since Sheriff Mills didn’t know sign language. Sam was glad Dean learnt sign language, even if he didn’t know as much as him. Sam could still talk to Dean now which was good.

He still thought Dean was something of a jerk and Sam wasn’t sure if Dean spent time with him out of obligation or if he really wanted too. Sam didn’t know and he didn’t want to ask that question. He didn’t want to cause hurts.

Sam knew that with giving this statement to police, if Azazel ever got out of jail, Sam would get a lot of hurts. He wasn’t sure how much Azazel would punish him. He didn’t know what Azazel would do about him being able to talk with his hands. He hoped Azazel wouldn’t cut off his hands. Azazel had parts of his body cut off before.

When Sam walked into the police station, the first thing he noticed was the lack of windows. It reminded him Azazel’s home with more desks, people, and papers. He frowned and pulled his body closer to John. John was bigger than Dean and Sam hoped John could protect him. He felt John put a hand on his shoulder as they continued to walk through the station. It grounded Sam. It reminded Sam that he wasn’t there. He wasn’t in that bad place anymore.

Sheriff Mill’s opened the door to the interrogation room and Sam’s heart stopped. The walls were a faded white. The furniture in the room was minimal. Sam looked up and saw ceiling tiles. It was too close. It reminded him to much of what was. Sam shook his head no as his heart rate sped up. He took a step back and ran into Dean.

Dean gently grabbed hold of his arm but it felt like fire inside of Sam. Sam was having trouble focusing and remembering where he was. He closed his eyes as he tried to tell himself that he wasn’t there and that Dean promised it would never happen again. Dean promised and John promised. All he could hear was his heart beating and blood rushing through his ears. Sam knew he had started crying and he heard on television that boys don’t cry. He didn’t care about that right now. He just wanted to go someplace else.

Sam struggled to get his breathing under control for sometime. When he was able to focus again he was sitting on the floor with his back against the wall. Dean and John were kneeling in front of him and they looked concerned. Sam took a couple deep breaths and stared at them. He wasn’t sure if he should sign something or not.

Dean spoke carefully, “Sammy, are you okay?”

Sam nodded his head yes and then he signed with shaky hands, “I don’t like it here.” He wanted to go home but Sam knew that he had said he would do this interview. Sam didn’t know if he could back out of it now or not.

Dean gave Sam a look that Sam knew meant Dean thought he was hiding something. Sam looked away from his brother in the hope that he would drop it. Dean didn’t drop it though. He spoke carefully, “Would you like it better if we found someplace to talk with a window? So you don’t feel trapped?”

Sometimes Sam forgot that Dean poked around in his head. Dean knew some of the things that scared Sam as a result. Sam nodded his head yes.

++

John followed as Sheriff Mills led them to a conference room. This room had windows so they could see outside. John was thankful for that. He wasn’t sure what exactly upset Sam, but it was the first time he had ever seen Sam panic as opposed to just checking out. He wasn’t sure if that was good or bad. He didn’t know if Sam was healing or getting worse.

He sat down next to Sam in the conference room and Dean sat on the other side of Sam. Joseph sat across the table next to Sheriff Mills. One of the deputies set up a video camera in the conference to record Sam’s interview. John was glad Sam couldn’t feel what he felt because he was nervous. He hoped Dean was doing a better job keeping his nerves in check because Sam could feel what he felt.

Sheriff Mills smiled at Sam and spoke softly, “Hi Sam, my name is Jody. Can you show me how to sign my name?” John wondered why she was starting off with a question that had nothing to do with the case but he didn’t say anything.

Sam looked over at Joseph and Joseph signed Jody’s name. He repeated it back to Joseph a couple times then Sam turned his attention back to Sheriff Mills. He carefully signed, “Jody,” for her. He looked up shyly at her and John knew Sam was trying to decide if she was safe or not.

Jody smiled again and she enthusiastically said, “That is so neat. Can you use my name in a sentence?”

John watched Sam frown at Jody. Sam’s expressiveness was one of John’s favorite things about Sam. He could almost guess what Sam was thinking about just by watching his son’s face. Sam signed carefully, “Jody is the name of the sheriff.”

Jody nodded and asked, “Did you see many women when you were with Azazel?”

Sam thought for a moment and then he signed, “Only Meg.”

Jody smiled and asked, “So what do you think about women?” John guessed that Jody was trying to draw Sam out into a casual conversation in the hope that Sam would open up a little more.

Sam stared at his hands after Jody asked that question. John wasn’t sure if Sam was going to answer or not. Sam signed, “I don’t know.” He knew that was pretty much the equivalent to not answering the question.

Jody seemed unfazed by it and asked, “Did you ever see other children when you were with Azazel?”

Sam looked up at her and John saw a look of fear cross Sam’s face, but it was gone quickly. He signed, “Meg said that another boy took care of me when I was little. I don’t remember that so I don’t know if that is true or not. I don’t remember anyone else being small like me.”

Jody gently said, “That is okay, Sam. Did Azazel ever say how he found the children he sold?”

Sam scrunched his brows together for a few moments. Then he signed, “He was given the children. Azazel would take unwanted children and train them for a purpose. From what I heard, most of the children were soulmates to married adults. The adult didn’t want their soulmate to mess up their life. The adult would pay Azazel to take care of the soulmate.”

Jody nodded and asked, “What about the others? Why did Azazel take them?”

Sam frowned and signed, “He would take them if their parents didn’t want them. Azazel told me that I was bad and my mother didn’t want me.” John hated Mary a little more in that moment.

Jody gave Sam a sad look and said carefully, “You’re not bad, Sam. I think you’re a very smart and strong young man.” John watched as Sam looked over at Dean for confirmation to what Jody said. He watched Dean nod in agreement.

Then Sam checked in with him. John said carefully, “You’re a good son, Sammy.”

Sam turned his attention back to Jody and she asked the next question. “Do you know how long it took from when he acquired a child to when the child was sold?”

Sam frowned and signed, “I am not sure. He never talked about that in front of me.”

Jody nodded and said calmly, “That is okay, Sam. Do you know how many children he sold or how often he sold one?”

Sam thought for a moment then he signed carefully, “I do not know how many. I do not know how often. I never had a concept of time until I was freed. I did not know when it was night or day. I did not even know how old I was.”

Jody gave a reassuring smile and said, “That is okay, Sam. You’re doing great. Do you know what Azazel’s role in the business was?”

Sam nodded and signed, “He found the people to be sold. I do not know how he found them. He said that unwanted people are easy to find. Azazel told me that the difficult part was getting the family to pay to take out the trash. He said that usually only one family member was in on it. The more people that knew the riskier it was. Azazel looked sometimes referred to me and the others as trash.”

Jody frowned but John noticed she didn’t comment about Azazel’s description of Sam and the other children. She asked carefully, “Do you know what Alistair’s role in the business was?”

Sam shook and John knew Sam was about done. He gently said, “It’s okay, Sammy. You’re safe here. Dean and I are right here with you.”

Sam looked up at him with frightened eyes and John almost broke right then. He reached out a hand and brushed Sam’s hair out of his face. Sam bit down on his bottom lip. His son looked at him as he signed. “Alistair did the hurts. I don’t want to talk about hurts.” Sam spelled out Alistair’s name because he didn’t know the sign for it.

John stared at Sam for a moment as he thought about what to say. He tried to be reassuring and he hoped Sam wouldn’t shut down, “It’s okay, Sammy. You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want too. You can stop anytime, just say the word.”

Sam nodded slowly and John guessed Sam was assessing whether or not he was telling the truth. His son signed, “Thank you, John.” He wondered if Sam would ever call him dad.

Jody spoke in agreement, “Your dad is right, Sam. We can stop or take a break whenever you want. If you don’t want to answer something just let me know.” She gave Sam a reassuring smile. Then she asked, “How do you like school?”

Sam frowned and signed carefully, “I don’t go to school. A teacher comes to John’s house to help me get caught up. I am not as smart as other children my age.” John knew that wasn’t true, Sam was just as smart as the children his own age. He suspected Sam might be more intelligent with the rate at which he was learning.

Jody smiled and said, “I think you are a very bright young man.” She paused and asked, “Do you get to play with other children your age?”

Sam nodded and signed cautiously, “I know Castiel. He likes to play board games, especially Sorry. I never played games like that until I left that place.”

John knew Jody was asking Sam meaningless questions to try to get him to relax. He hoped it worked. Jody asked, “Sammy, do you know who found the people to buy the children like you?”

Sam nodded slowly and signed, “Nick.I only saw him during business meetings, but I heard Azazel say that he ran Morning Star. I never knew what morning or a star looked like. So I tried to imagine it in my head. Those things are nothing like I imagined. I am not sure what Morning Star is but the name stuck in my head.”

++

John was relieved when the interview was finally over and they got to go home. It didn’t seem to John like Sam knew much but he didn’t know what was on the tapes either. Sam could have given them some insight they didn’t have before or Sam could have given them nothing. With as difficult as it was for Sam, John hoped they got something out of it.

He knew that they would eventually want to ask Sam about the physical and sexual assaults. They would want to hear in Sam’s words what his living conditions were like. They would want to know why he was tortured. They would want to know what Sam’s relationship with Azazel and Meg was like.

John knew he had questions of his own. He wanted to know if Sam considered Meg his friend. He wanted to know if he thought of Azazel as his dad. He wanted to know where Sam slept. He wanted to know if Sam ever got told a bedtime story. He wanted to know if Sam remembered what his voice sounded like. He wanted to know if Sam ever laughed.

He didn’t know if Sam would ever be whole. John hoped Dean would support Sam and he hoped that he could support Sam. John just wanted to be a good father to Sam. He didn’t know how to do that exactly, but he hoped he was doing alright.

When they got home, John watched Sam retreat to his bedroom. His son didn’t close the door. John checked on Sam after a couple hours and he found that Sam had taken some of the paint cards and lined them up on the wall under the desk where he slept. It completely covered the space. He didn’t know what Sam used to stick them on the wall but he suspected Dean gave him something.

Sam was sitting on the floor drawing inside of a notepad. Colored pencils were scattered all around Sam. His son looked happy and content. John prayed that was the case as he wandered away from Sam’s room. He didn’t see any reason to disturb Sam.   


	17. Chapter 17

Dean had never really cared about Christmas. It was always bittersweet. Sam was never there and that left a stain on the holiday. His Aunt Karen, Bobby’s wife, passed on a few years ago which meant no more awesome pie. The pie was seriously the only thing Dean cared about around the holidays and without Aunt Karen, it just didn’t seem whole. He cared about presents too, but pie trumped presents.

He didn’t like to talk about it to anyone, but Aunt Karen was always like a mother to Dean. He knew if he could have picked a mom, it would have been Karen. She was everything anyone could ever want in a mom. She was nice and understanding. She walked him to school every day and fix him breakfast. His school started later than when his dad’s shop opened, but Aunt Karen was there every morning to mother him. He would go to Uncle Bobby’s and Aunt Karen’s house after school every day. Technically, Karen was a homemaker so she had the time, but Dean knew she was much more than that.

She was many things to Dean. He remembered making cookies with Karen when he as younger to put out for Santa. He remembered her helping him with his homework. She showed up to the Mother’s Day programs at school because he didn’t have a mother. Karen would even let him call her mom so the other kids wouldn’t know.

Every year on Sam’s birthday and Christmas, Karen would help him make something for Sam. Something to show Sam that he always cared whenever Sam came home. It was never if Sam came home like with his dad. Karen knew Sam would come home one day. Dean was glad they found Sammy alive when Bobby was still alive. This way maybe Bobby could tell her all about Sammy in Heaven.

When Karen passed Dean stopped making Sam a gift each Christmas and birthday. He had even considered throwing away the ones he had for a time, because he thought Karen was wrong and he was angry. Sammy left him and Karen left him. He knew that neither of them left by choice, but it still made him angry.

Dean dug around for the box in his closet. He remembered seeing it when he moved into his own room. Dean thought about giving it to Sam when he came across it but didn’t. He wasn’t sure how Sam would receive it given that he had already invaded Sam’s personal space. Dean liked having his own room again. It was nice to have his own space.

He found the box a short time later. Dean sorted out the Christmas presents for Sam. It was easy to tell which ones were for Christmas. They were wrapped in faded Christmas themed paper. He sat them all out carefully and then he put the birthday presents away for later. Dean figured he could give those to Sam when he turned thirteen in a few months. He had a feeling Sam never celebrated his birthday either.

Dean gathered up the seven presents he had for Sam and went to Sam’s room. He knocked lightly on the door. The door was ajar which Dean knew meant Sam wasn’t sleeping. Sam only closed the door when he was sleeping or changing clothes. Sometimes Dean wondered if Sam knew it was okay to close the door whenever he wanted.

Sam greeted him at his bedroom door a couple moments later. Dean noticed that Sam looked a little tired and he wondered if Sam wasn’t sleeping again. He decided to ask Sammy about that a little later. Dean nervously asked, “Hey Sammy, can I come in your room? I have something I want to give you.”

Sam looked at him like he had lost his mind but nodded in agreement. Dean walked in the room and sat down the gifts on Sam’s unused bed. Dean noticed the bedspread was starting to collect dust. He realized that he would probably never have that stereotypical moment of waking up next to his soulmate. Dean realized he would probably wake up alone throughout his life and have to go find wherever Sam had hidden himself.

Dean gestured toward the gifts and didn’t even try to sign. He knew he should for the sake of practice and for Sam’s sake. He carefully said, “When I was younger I made you a gift for Christmas every year. I stopped a few years ago. I gave up hope that you would be found which I realize was wrong of me. I knew you were hurting inside, I could feel you but I didn’t think you would ever get out of that place.”

Sam looked from Dean to the gifts a couple time and then in true Sam fashion he hid under his desk. Dean knew this was Sam’s equivalent to _‘leave me alone.’_ Dean wasn’t sure why though. It wasn’t like he did anything unkind to Sam lately. Sam had been a little freaked out and edgy since he discovered that the stove got hot.

It started innocently enough, Dean wanted to show Sam how to fry an egg. Sam was twelve and in Dean’s opinion old enough to master egg frying. Dean neglected to tell Sam key things. Mainly that the skillet would get hot and could burn him. He also didn’t tell Sam to grab the handle. Dean was an idiot and told Sam to grab the skillet to hold it still while he cracked the egg on the side of the pan. Needless to say, Sam did exactly as he was told. Sam burned his hand, but to Dean’s surprise, Sam didn’t immediately react to the burn. His little brother didn’t even move his hand away until Dean moved it away.

It wasn’t until after Dean had ran Sam’s hand through cold water and dried it off that Sam said anything. Sam apologized for being bad and needing to get a hurt. Dean felt like crap. That was last week and Sam was still skittish around him, no matter how many times Dean apologized to Sam for being stupid or told Sam it wasn’t his fault and he did nothing wrong.

Dean sat down on the floor a few feet away from Sam. He liked the way Sam decorated the space with the paint cards. Dean didn’t know a lot about what Sam liked but he did know Sam liked colors, the sky, and numbers. He suspected Sam’s fascination with the sky would end around the first time Sam saw a tornado.

Carefully Dean asked, “What is wrong, Sammy?” He knew Sam may or may not tell him what was wrong. Sam still had trouble expressing how he felt about things. Dean knew it was new to Sam to be asked things about himself.

Sam looked at him for a moment and then Sam looked down at his hands as he signed, “I don’t want hurts.”

Dean sighed because there was nothing else he could do. Sometimes, Dean wanted a little brother he could tease but he knew that he didn’t have that. He had Sam and Sam was fragile. He carefully said, “Sammy, I am not going to hurt you. I would never intentionally hurt you. I just wanted to give you some gifts I made for you.”

Sam looked up at him with terror and he could feel Sam’s fear. It was suffocating. Somehow Dean thought that the word gift meant something completely different to Azazel. Dean knew that the best way to show Sam something was safe was to let him explore it on his own.

So Dean said helpfully, “I am just going to leave your presents on your bed. You can open them if you want. I am going to give you some space. I think you want to be alone right now.” With that he stood and stepped out of Sam’s room. He closed the door most of the way behind him. Dean left it cracked so Sam wouldn’t panic and think he was getting trapped in there.

++

Sam did touch the presents, but he never opened them. He lined them up neatly on his bookcase. Dean wondered why Sam didn’t open them but he didn’t pry. It did sting a little for Sam to reject him like that. He remembered caring a lot when he made those gifts. Dean had imagined in his mind what it would be like to give those to Sammy. He never pictured the fearful reaction that he got.

It was Christmas morning. Dean had woken up early because it was Christmas. Bobby had spent the night on the sofa. Dean threw a pillow at his uncle when he walked out into the living room. Bobby grunted at sat up. Bobby rubbed his face and asked, “What time is it?”

Dean shrugged and looked at the clock. He grinned and said, “Six. I think it is time for presents.”

Bobby stood up and stretched. He calmly said, “I’ll go wake your daddy up since I can be nice about it. Leave Sam alone. He doesn’t need you scaring him half to death because you want to open presents.”

Dean groaned and tried to compromise, “What if I just lightly knock on his door to get his attention? Would that be okay?”

Bobby gave Dean a stern look which Dean took to mean that would not be okay. He did get what Bobby was saying. It was just he wanted Sam to get excited about Christmas. Even though he knew Sam was probably going to be confused and afraid.

About thirty minutes later Dean was helping his dad make cinnamon rolls. It was some family recipe that John got from his mom. Dean loved the things, but they were time consuming to make so John didn’t make them often. Cinnamon rolls was one of the few things his dad made better than Aunt Karen.

Dean was carefully cutting the rolled up dough into one inch pieces when Sam wandered out into the kitchen. Sam was not in his pajamas like everyone else. He was dressed for the day, which was normal for Sam. His brother didn’t understand social cues very much so he tended to be very particular about the stuff he did know. Sam knew that when he got up in the morning he was supposed to get dressed. Therefore Sam did that every day.

Dean smiled at Sammy and said joyfully, “Hey Sammy, Merry Christmas.”

Sam tilted his head at him in confusion. Just as Dean predicted Sam was confused. Sam signed, “Thank you, Dean.”

Dean made short work of arranging the cinnamon rolls on the tray to cook. He handed it back to his dad to pop in the oven. After John had everything arranged in the oven like he wanted. John carefully said, “Sammy, we are going to open our Christmas presents. Would you like to join us? There are some presents for you under the tree.” Dean knew that John and Bobby had both taken Sammy shopping so he could take part in the gift exchange. He had no idea what they bought, but he did know Sam still did not understand this gift thing.

Sam nodded in agreement and they all filtered into the living room. As Dean could have predicted Sam hid in his hiding spot. He was in the space between the side of the sofa and the wall. Sam could still see everything that was going on so maybe Sam would decide it was safe.

++

Sam watched everyone open presents and they sat presents close to him. They said they were for him, but Sam didn’t open them. He was afraid too because what if there was something that could hurt him inside. Whenever Azazel had him open something that was hidden from him, it always hurt.

Sam knew they expected him to open the presents. He didn’t think any of the presents the others got could cause a hurt. Except the knife John got Dean.  Sam was surprised that John didn’t hurt Dean with the knife. He wondered what purpose the knife would serve it if wasn’t for hurts. Sam was too afraid to ask.

He knew he gave each of them a present but Sam didn’t wrap his. John and Bobby both said he should but he didn’t want the recipient to think that he was going to cause them a hurt. Sam thought he was being considerate. He didn’t want to hurt people who were being so nice to him.

Sam watched as John sat down on the floor near him. He wasn’t sure what John was doing but he had an urge to retreat somewhere else. Sam felt trapped. He hid his fear like he was trained to do by Azazel. He knew Dean could still feel it but he couldn’t do anything about that.

John picked up one of the presents and said calmly, “Sammy, I am going to open this for you.”

Sam swallowed hard and realized his resolve was fading. He jerkily nodded and watched John unwrap it. He pulled his legs up to his chest and wrapped his arms around himself as he stared at John. When the present was unwrapped, John handed it to Sam. Sam’s hand shook as he grabbed it. He looked at saw that it was watercolors. Sam had no idea what watercolors were.

John must have realized he didn’t know because he said, “It is watercolor paints. You add a little water and you can paint. I know you like art and colors so I thought you might enjoy them.”

Sam nodded his head and signed, “Thank you.” He was confused. Somehow a present being a nice gesture felt wrong to him.

++

John explained to Sam why he had gotten each gift and what the purpose of it was. By the time he got to the last present, Sam tentatively helped unwrap it but Sam’s hands were still shaky and John could see Sam’s unease with this situation. He added another item to his endless list of questions he wanted to ask Sam but never could. Now he wanted to know why Sam was afraid of presents. He knew there was probably some sick answer that he didn’t want to know.  

John helped Sam open up the presents Dean made for him over the years. Dean made Sam a present this year as well. His eldest kept with the theme of painting a Christmas decoration. Sam seemed confused by the gesture. John watched as Sam signed to Dean, “I never made anything for you. I am sorry. I wasn’t allowed to do things like this.”

John knew that Sam’s only toy was one of Dean’s that he left behind at Meg’s house. He knew it was Sam’s most prized possession. John did wonder what Christmas was like at the Masters’ home.


	18. Chapter 18

John had an early day. He had to be at the courthouse for the first day of Azazel’s trial. He skipped the arraignment and the pretrial. John just didn’t know how many times he could stomach hearing how Sammy was abused. He knew he had to be there for the trial though for Sam’s sake. John had no intention of bringing Sam to watch the trial. He didn’t want to put Sam through that and he wasn’t sure how seeing Azazel would affect Sam’s recovery.

Much to John’s relief, the prosecution had told him they were not going to call Sam to testify. The reason was because Sam had trouble communicating. It was made clear to John that if Sam didn’t have communication issues they would have put him on the stand. John understood why they would want to do that. The prosecution wanted the jury to sympathize with Sam and they wanted Sam to identify himself in the videos.

However, Sam didn’t know what he looked like so he couldn’t identify himself. John was told that the defense knew this and would call Sam out on not knowing what he looked like, if Sam tried to identify himself. The prosecution was using their next best option. They had three facial recognition specialists scheduled to testify that it was Sam in those videos.

Some of the other children that were kept in the warehouse were going to testify. Sam was held the longest out of any of the children. The next longest was a girl named Ava. She was roughly the same age as Sam and had been at the warehouse for two years. Ava and all the other children except Sam could talk. Sam was the only one that remained mute.

Just before the trial was scheduled to start at 8 AM, John was called to a private room within the courthouse. Inside the room were the other families with their children. They clung to their parents tightly which was something Sam didn’t do. Sam would lean toward him sometimes and Sam would even offer a hug from time to time, but those instances were rare. Sam was reserved and wary. In John’s opinion, Sam’s eyes looked like those of an old man who’s lived to hard of a life and not the twelve year boy that he was.

John sat silently in a chair as he listened to the chatter of the room. One of the mothers whispered, “I heard Azazel Masters kept a young boy at his house since infancy. I bet that boy had something to do with taking my Max. He could have coaxed Max to go with them. I heard the police didn’t even do a full interview with him.”

Another mother bitterly chimed in, “I know, it just rubs me the wrong way. I feel like the kid is protecting Azazel by keeping his mouth shut. He needs to talk or he needs to be charged with something. Our children were hurt and he could have had something to do with it.”

The first mother replied, “Agreed, I’ve told that to the district attorney and he won’t tell me anything about that child. I heard that Azazel’s daughter was in on the business and she got off with a plea. I wonder what sort of deal they offered the kid.”

John took a steadying breath and turned around. He barely retained his anger when he spoke to the two mothers. “You’re talking about my son. He is mute in case you’re wondering and he did give a statement to police after he learnt sign language. Sam didn’t want to talk about how he was molested and tortured so they respected his wishes on that. Sam never left Azazel’s basement nor did he ever see any of the other children.” He paused and seethed, “So sorry, he didn’t have anything to do with what happened to your children. He is a victim just like your children. The only difference is he suffered much longer.”

The women were silenced and looked away for a moment before saying a sheepish, “Sorry, we didn’t mean to upset you.”

A short time later the district attorney entered the room. He looked somewhere between pleased and scared. John knew he had some information about the case and he hoped that the trial wasn’t going to be delayed again.

The attorney sat down a folder on the table and stated calmly without making eye contact with anyone in the room, “We have reached a plea bargain with Azazel Masters. It is a life sentence with a minimum of ten years. I know it is not what any of you wanted but the deal allowed us to get valuable information. Azazel has provided us with all the names of the non-recovered children and who purchased them. We thought it would be more beneficial to bring these children home, if they are still alive, than try to tack a few more years onto his sentence.”

John felt numb inside and he wasn’t sure how to feel. On one hand he was relieved that at least part of this was over. Azazel would be in prison until Sam was in his early twenties. Sam would be an adult and so would Dean. Both of the boys should be able to defend themselves from Azazel, if needed. The rest of what the attorney said was a blur for John. It was a short but emotionally exhausting day.

++

Castiel was sitting at the dining room table with his head resting in his arms. He was carefully studying the paths the ants were making on his ant farm. Castiel liked to watch life grow and expand. Nature and animals fascinated him. So did philosophers, but Gabriel always told him he had to look at the smaller picture to understand the bigger picture.  Castiel wasn’t entirely sure what that meant but he was willing to give his soulmate a chance on that.

He heard the front door open and close. Castiel looked up from where he was sitting and saw Gabriel walk in. Cas smiled at his soulmate and said happily, “Hi Gabe, how are you doing?”

Gabriel groaned and flopped down. He kicked off his shoes and put his feet on Castiel’s lap. Cas didn’t mind even though he knew Gabe was trying to irritate him. Gabe thoughtfully said, “Dean wasn’t at school today. Azazel’s trial was supposed to start and he accepted a plea, 10 years to life. I think that is shitty and I think Dean is either upset about it or counting the days until Azazel gets out so he can get rid of Sam.”

Castiel gave Gabe a hateful look and shoved his feet off of his lap. He moved his ant farm to the side so he wouldn’t accidently knock it over. He chastised, “You shouldn’t use poor language like that, Gabe. It makes you look uneducated.”

Gabriel rolled his eyes and said flatly, “Yes Michael.” He paused and added, “But seriously, I like Sam. I don’t really know why I like him but I want to make sure he’s not alone. I mean, I know he has John and Bobby, but Dean being a dick.. I mean Dean being poorly behaved has to hurt. I just don’t want Sam to kill himself, get into drugs, or any other stupid thing people do when they can’t cope.”

Castiel folded his hands on the table and thought silently. He doubted Sam would kill himself. Although, he couldn’t picture anyone doing that, so Gabe might be onto something there. Dean was a jerk according to Sam and he could see Dean dumping Sam on a whim. Sam deserved a better soulmate than Dean. Sam’s situation did make Castiel grateful he had someone like Gabriel. Even if Gabriel could be repulsive sometimes.

He shrugged and said calmly, “I am Sam’s friend. We can spend more time with him. I know he likes art and the community college has a youth art class on Thursdays this spring. Sam and I are the right age. I bet Bobby or John will pay for Sam. I can ask Michael if he will pay my fees so I can do it with him. He’ll need someone to translate his signs anyways.”

Gabriel grinned and said joyfully, “I’ll pay for it. My job at the candy store gives me more money than I know what to do with since Michael banned me from buying candy.”

Castiel shook his head and stated, “You spent sixty dollars on candy that you ate in one day. Michael was up all night with you throwing up because of it.”

Gabriel chuckled and declared, “So worth it though.”

++

John had received a call from Michael midafternoon asking if it would be okay for Sam to take an art class with Castiel on Thursdays. He thought it would be a good way for Sam to get out in a controlled setting and be around children his own age. The fact Cas would be there helped because Cas could understand what Sam said. Still, he wasn’t sure about leaving Sam alone like that.

He called the community college and got permission for either Bobby or himself to sit in on the class with Sam. John wasn’t sure if they would need to sit in for the entire semester but for the first couple classes he wanted one of them to be nearby. Getting Sam enrolled in that class made John feel like he did something positive.

John knew he still had to address with Sam what happened in court and he had to talk to Sam about the art class. When he got home, it smelled like chili. John smiled because he knew his brother probably fixed chili in the crockpot for dinner. He glanced at Bobby who was sitting at the dining room table attempting to help Dean with his math homework.

Bobby looked up at him and said with relief, “Hey John, why don’t you help Dean with this? We are trying to find the exponent.”

John nodded and said calmly, “I will in a minute. I want to go check on Sammy first. I need to talk to him about what happened today.” John was eternally grateful that in his line of work he sometimes had to use algebra so he actually remembered some of what he learnt in high school. Otherwise, he would be relearning the subject matter with Dean.

He approached Sam’s bedroom door and noticed it was closed. John knew this meant Sam was sleeping so he stepped away from the door. He knew Sam had trouble sleeping. He could tell by the bags under his son’s eyes.

John walked back out into the dining room and sat down at the table. Dean looked at him oddly and stated, “That was fast. I told Sam about Azazel. He hasn’t left his room since. Did he talk to you?”

John frowned and regretted not being there for Sam. He doubted Dean controlled his own anger with the situation very well. John sighed and said, “No, his door was closed so I didn’t bother him. We should get your homework done so we can eat.”

++

Sam sat on the floor in the center of his room. His toy soldier was sitting in front of him and he was confiding his feelings to the little toy, much like he did during his time with Azazel. Sam had no concept of what prison was like. He knew Dean said it was a place where bad people go, but that confused Sam.

He was bad. Azazel had told him repeatedly that he was bad. Sam knew he was so bad his mother didn’t even want him. Dean had even said he was a freak and freaks are bad. Sam didn’t know why he wasn’t in prison and he wondered if his time with Azazel was his time in prison for being bad.

Sam thought about that and decided that Azazel must not be as bad as him. He was in Azazel’s prison for twelve years and Azazel only had to go a prison for ten years then he could get out. Azazel must be a better person than him. He wondered if Azazel would punish him when he got out of prison. Sam knew he probably would, he just hoped Azazel wouldn’t hurt Dean.

He had read last week about soulmate laws and Sam found out he had to marry Dean by his twenty-first birthday. Sam knew that was years away, but he didn’t want to hurt Dean. He knew Dean didn’t want him and he didn’t want Dean to get hurt because of him. Dean should be with someone good like Lisa and not someone bad like him.

Sam signed to his toy soldier, “Why am I bad? I want to be good, but I am bad. I’ve always been bad.” He wiped away his tears on the back of his hands as he cried. He didn’t want to be what he was.


	19. Chapter 19

It was late when Dean heard Sam’s bedroom door creak open. He had already gone to bed but he knew his father was still awake. He listened to Sam’s gentle footsteps down the hallway. His little brother was always so quiet in his steps. Dean knew Sam wasn’t being sneaky. He was just being wary.

Dean decided to get up since it might be good to spend some time with Sam, even if it meant he would be tired tomorrow. It was nothing a nap during history couldn’t fix. He stopped at the end of the hallway when he heard his father’s concerned voice, “Sammy, what is wrong? Are you hurt?”

He couldn’t see what Sam signed to his father. Dean desperately wanted to know. He didn’t know if Sam was crying, bleeding, or worse. Dean’s mind immediately went to the worst case scenario which was Sam was gravely injured and about to die.

++

John watched Sam sign a little sloppily, “I am bad.” His youngest had tears rolling down his face that John knew Sam probably couldn’t stop if he tried.

He knelt down in front of his son as he visually checked for injuries. John didn’t see any signs of blood or bruising and Sam didn’t seem to be favoring any part of his body. He took that as a good sign. He held out his hand and said gently, “Come here, Sammy.”

He watched as Sam seemed a little unsure which wasn’t terribly uncommon. John knew at least part of Sam was still waiting for one of them to hit him. Sam stepped toward him slowly and when Sam was close enough John put a hand on Sam’s shoulder. He made sure not to apply pressure. He just let it rest there. Sam leaned into his hand a little bit and then Sam moved up closer to him. His son reached out to hold onto him which John accepted. He wrapped his arms around his son as he felt his shirt get wet with tears.

John wasn’t sure why Sam thought he was bad. He knew that the business with Azazel probably upset Sam, but until Sam calmed down a little he wouldn’t know. Even after Sam calmed down, he may not know. Sam didn’t like to talk about himself and given that Sam wasn’t allowed to talk at all before coming home, John could understand that.

John whispered into Sam as he cried, “You’re not bad, Sam. You’re good. You’ve never done anything wrong.” He made sure not to call Sam a good boy. He knew Azazel called him boy and he didn’t want to dig up any more painful memories for Sam. His son was hurting enough as it was.

It took a while but Sam started to calm down. His son’s body trembled less and the tears started to subside. Even when Sam sobbed, it was silent. There were no quiet whimpers or hiccups. In a way he was glad Sam was silent during this. He didn’t want Sam’s first sound since infancy to be one of emotional pain. 

Sam pulled back slightly and signed, “Azazel had me because I was bad. He hurt me because I was bad.” Sam’s hand signs were jerky because Sam was still upset. However, John understood what Sam was saying.

John gently pulled Sam back in for a hug. He made sure to keep the hug loose incase Sam wanted to pull away and he paid close attention to if Sam was tensing in his grasp. John gently rubbed circles on Sam’s back, where he could feel the scarred skin of Sam’s back through Sam’s shirt. He hoped there weren’t any spots on Sam’s back that were still tender as he tried to sooth his son. Firmly but gently John said, “Sammy, you are not bad. Azazel did those things to you because he is bad. He is evil and you’re not Sammy. You’re good. I love you. Your brother loves you and your uncle loves you. You are loved Sammy, unconditionally.”

++

Dean stepped away from the hallway and retreated back to his room. He wondered what Sam did that he thought made him bad. Dean didn’t know a lot about Sam’s time with Azazel, even with seeing some of Sam’s memories. He wondered if maybe Sam did do bad things to get punished. Maybe Sam hit Azazel or maybe Sam refused to do as he was told. Dean wasn’t thinking that Sam deserved to get tortured but maybe Sam brought some of it on himself. Maybe if Sam had just accepted things, he wouldn’t look like his body was put through a meat grinder and maybe Sam wouldn’t have been castrated.

Dean closed his bedroom door and flopped back down on his bed. He stared at the ceiling as he thought about life. He was bound to Sam. A person, he knew very little about. A person that was unwilling to open up about himself. Everything was new to Sam and as much as Dean enjoyed watching curious Sam, he really wanted to know about something that Sam already knew.  

He did remember his dad talking to him like he was talking to Sam now. But that was years ago. It was when he was getting bullied by Fergus McCloud, a foster kid with an attitude. Fergus told him some pretty hateful things and Fergus was stronger than him at the time. Dean ended up thrown in the trashcan at school more than once because of Fergus.

When Fergus found out that his soulmate was a guy and the homophobic bullying started they were relentless. As Dean recalled and it was around time he lost Aunt Karen. Something just broke inside of Dean that semester and he knew it was his dad that stopped him from going down a path of self-destruction. His dad caught him in his room with a bottle of whiskey at thirteen. Dean was trying to drink away his problems.

Granted, Fergus did start him on the road of pursuing relationships with people other than Sam. At the time though, Sam was nothing more then a pain in his chest, a name on his arm, and a picture of a baby he used to know. When he kissed girls, when he felt them and he made them feel good that ache in his chest from Sam went away. He could almost forget about how his soulmate was lost.

Dean remembered the one time he kissed Sam on the top of Sam’s head. It wasn’t a romantic kiss or a seductive one. But the pain he felt inside lessened and he felt whole. He knew that Sam did not appreciate the gesture and Dean doubted he would be able to kiss Sam again anytime soon.

++

Sam wasn’t sure why he left his room. He was lonely but he had been lonely a lot in his life. He was hungry but he had been hungry a lot in his life too. Neither of those things were new to Sam but the more time he lived with John the more those things became an unwelcome memory. Things were better now, but Sam knew he didn’t deserve this. He was bad.

He accepted John’s comfort because John was always nice when he comforted him. Sam remembered John comforting him at the hospital when he barely knew John. John was always nice and gentle. Sam often wondered why John would comfort him. He figured it was because John didn’t know he was bad. Sam remembered that Azazel said his soul was bad, but John must not be able to see it. Dean must be able to see it though because Dean called him names before.

Sam listened to the words John said but he didn’t really believe them. He closed his eyes as John held on to him. Sam felt safe as he listened to John’s heartbeat even though he couldn’t get the tears to stop. He was certain his heart didn’t beat like that. His heart was probably silent within his chest. Sam knew Azazel wouldn’t allow such a noise from him. Eventually, Sam felt John sit down on the floor while he held on to him. Slowly Sam drifted off to sleep.

++

John slept leaned up against the wall in the dining room while he held Sam. He thought about moving multiple times, but he didn’t. He knew that he could carry Sam to Sam’s bed without waking his son, but he didn’t want to do that. John knew that Sam was uneasy about waking up in a different place from where he went to sleep.

In the end, Sam only slept for a couple hours before waking up. His son had stopped crying once he fell asleep, but Sam’s eyes were still swollen. The way Sam looked at him when he woke up caught John off guard. It was like Sam was expecting something else. John wished Sam would open up a little about his past, just so they could start to identify Sam’s triggers. He knew that was a long way off and John had yet to find a therapist who knew sign language that was willing to take Sam’s case. The only two he had found told him they don’t handle that type of trauma.

He wondered if maybe he should see if he could find one to take on Sam’s case and allow him to sit in on the sessions to translate. John knew it might work, but he didn’t know how open Sam would be with his father present. He was also worried about any therapist wanting to institutionalize Sam. John knew Sam was far from functional and he didn’t want that to be a reason for Sam not to get to live at home. He thought that with Bobby’s help they were managing it okay.

John asked Sam carefully as Sam pulled away from him. “Are you okay, Sammy?”

Sam nodded his head yes. Then he sat down cross legged on the floor near him. His son had a curious look again that sometimes managed to hide how much Sam had suffered. Sam signed, “I don’t know why you’re nice to me. I am bad. I am worse than Azazel.”

John tried not to look appalled by that statement but it was really hard. There was no justifiable reason for Sam to be thinking something like that. Azazel was a monster of the worst kind. John thought death would be too kind for someone like Azazel. He wanted Azazel to suffer like Sam and the others had suffered. However, John knew that no amount of revenge would ever give Sam his years back. It would never make Sam’s physical and emotional scars fade away.

John chose his words carefully when he spoke, “Why do you think you’re worse than Azazel?” He knew Sam may not answer but it was worth a shot.

Sam frowned and signed, “Azazel said I was with him because I was bad and Dean said Azazel is going to prison because he is bad. But Azazel got sentenced to less time than me, so I must be worse than Azazel.” John watched Sam pause and he could see Sam getting upset again. Sam signed, “I wish I knew what it was that made me bad. Do you know?”

John let out a slow breath and said carefully but firmly, “Sam, you are not bad. Azazel lied to you. You’ve never done anything to make yourself bad. Anything that Azazel forced you to do is not your fault. None of the things that happened to you were your fault and none of those things happened because you were bad. All of those things happened because Azazel is bad.”

Sam bit down on his lip and nodded. Then he signed, “But Dean thinks I am bad too. He’s said so.”

John wondered if Dean was joking or serious when he said that. Judging by Dean’s attitude before the dream root, Dean could have been serious. John didn’t know how to handle that. He knew he had to get Dean to apologize to Sam, but Dean had to mean it. Sam could feel literally what Dean felt. Sam would know if Dean was lying.


	20. Chapter 20

Sam had never seen someone as bouncy as Castiel. He thought it might be excitement but he wasn’t sure. Sam didn’t want to think about what Azazel would have done if he acted like that. He wasn’t sure why Castiel would be excited either. They were going to their first day of art class together. Sam had never been in any sort of class before and this was scary for him.

He had gone to the community college earlier in the day with his dad. They talked to the teacher and they were shown the classroom. Sam knew where he was going to sit in the classroom. He was going to be in the back of the room. The room itself had long tables, long enough to put someone on. Sometimes, Alistair put him on tables to cause hurts. In the classroom, two people were at each table and Sam was going to share his table with Cas. He hoped he could take any hurts for Castiel.

The teacher, Mr. Harding, seemed nice but he didn’t know sign language. Sam noticed that most people do not know sign language but talking with his hands was more than he was able to do before. He was grateful his dad let him talk with his hands. Sam was told there would be about twenty children in this class and there was no grading. This class was just to have fun and learn more about art.

Once Castiel spoke Sam knew Cas was nervous and excited, “Hey Sam, are you looking forward to the art class? I heard we are going to do some really cool stuff.”

Sam wasn’t sure if he should answer that. He wanted to go to this class because doing things like this was what good people his age did. On the other hand, Sam knew he wasn’t good and he just wanted to do art alone in his room. Sam didn’t know if he was good at art or not, but he liked to draw pictures of his toy army man in the new places he saw. Sometimes, it was easier for him to explain what he saw to his toy when he drew it.

Cas groaned and Sam gave him a curious look. Sam wondered if it was bad for him to be quiet like that. Cas looked a little sad and Sam couldn’t understand why. It wasn’t like anything had gotten taken away from Cas. His friend said in a calmer and concerned tone, “Are you alright, Sam?”

Sam nodded his head yes and signed, “I am fine, Castiel. Thank you for asking.”

Castiel perked up a little bit and said happily, “That’s good. I was just worried because you didn’t answer me and you looked a little lost.” Sam thought Castiel’s mood was all over the place. He was glad Azazel never acted like this. Sam wouldn’t have known when to hide.

++

Castiel walked in front of Sam when they walked into the classroom. John was behind Sam and Cas knew it was a little weird to have a parent with them. However, he decided not to draw attention to that fact. Cas knew Sam would be fine with him. He had spent one on one time with Sam before but they never left the safety of their homes.

Cas walked over to their assigned seats. He knew where they were because John had told him earlier. He watched Sam sit down in his chair and Cas knew he was nervous. The room was loud with other children. The class was for eleven to thirteen year olds so it was mostly eighth graders like him. Castiel didn’t know what grade Sam was in, but he knew Sam was behind in school.

He turned to Sam and asked, “Are you okay, Sam?”

His friend’s eyes looked a little dazed like he’d never seen this many people his age before. Sam looked down at the ground with his question and Cas hoped he didn’t say something wrong. He knew this working out was important to Gabriel. Sam signed carefully, “I am okay. Thank you.”

Castiel frowned but decided not to say anything about Sam’s potential lie. He admired Sam’s ability to put on a brave face. It wasn’t something he did very often. When Castiel got scared, he sought out his soulmate for comfort. Cas knew Sam couldn’t rely on Dean the way he relied on Gabriel.

Just as Cas was about the change the subject to something light, he heard the squeal of a voice that could only belong to Jessica Moore. The curly haired blonde wasn’t popular and she had a reputation for being a good goody. Jessica did a lot of volunteer work with her parents. Last Castiel heard, Jessica sewed blankets for the homeless.  Her goal was to complete one blanket every week. Castiel thought this was ambitious since Michael couldn’t even get him to clean his room once a week.

Jessica was extremely upbeat when she flirted, “Hey Castiel, who is your friend?” Castiel realized that she was probably trying to flirt with Sam and not him. Castiel made it clear with everyone at school that he wasn’t interested. He had Gabriel.

Castiel sighed and motioned toward Sam. He calmly said, “Jessica, this is Sam Winchester.” Cas motioned toward Jessica and said, “Sam, this is Jessica Moore.”

Castiel waited for Sam to sign something like hello, but that didn’t happen. Sam just looked a little confused. Castiel gave an uncomfortable smile. Jessica piped up, “Do you have a soulmate, Sam?” Everyone knew Jessica didn’t have a soulmate name on her arm. It meant that her soulmate either wasn’t born yet or died before she was born. Either way, she would still meet her soulmate in Heaven one day.

Cas answered for Sam when he glanced at Sam and saw a look of fear on his friend’s face. Calmly Castiel said, “Yes, he has a soulmate. They know each other.” He didn’t want to go into how Sam’s brother Dean was the soulmate in question. It was considered rude to ask questions about someone’s soulmate and he didn’t want to share anything Sam didn’t want to share.

Jessica groaned a defeated groan. Then she asked, “Why doesn’t Sam talk?”

Castiel rolled his eyes and said flatly, “Sam is mute. He knows sign language.”

Just as Jessica was about to ask another question, Castiel heard Mr. Harding said, “Students, please take your seats.” Cas had never been so relieved for class to start in his life.

++

Dean was sitting at the dining room table doing his homework. The house was quiet and empty. The house being quiet was nothing new, but it being empty was. Sam was at some art class which sounded like torture to Dean. He could feel that Sam was nervous so Dean figured that Sam must be sharing some of the same feelings or maybe it is just new to him. Dean didn’t know. He was happy that Sam didn’t feel terrified.

He heard a knock on the door and Dean got up to answer it. When he opened the door there was a nervous looking blonde haired woman, who Dean guessed was about the same age as his dad. He asked politely, “Can I help you?”

The woman frowned and said sadly, “You don’t recognize me, Dean? I’m your mother.” She reached out a hand toward him and Dean stepped back.

He gripped the door handle tightly and said, “You’re not supposed to be here. I am going to call the cops.”

Mary held up her hands in a placating fashion and Dean could not figure out why he wasn’t closing the door in her face. She spoke quickly, “Dean please, I just wanted to see you and Sam. I had no idea Azazel was going to hurt Sam. I don’t even know what Azazel did to Sam. They won’t tell me and all my requests for supervised visitation have been denied.”

Dean did not know Mary was requesting visitation. He knew his dad knew and clearly wasn’t telling him. He didn’t really feel inclined to tell Mary about Sam. Dean closed the front door and locked it. He picked up the phone and called Bobby.

His uncle answered after a couple rings, “Hey.”

Dean stared at the door and his voice shook as he spoke, “Bobby, I need you to come over right now. Mary stopped by. She wanted to see me and Sam. I wouldn’t tell her anything about Sam and I don’t know if she is still out there.”

Bobby let out a slow breath and said, “Okay Dean. It is going to be okay. I am on my way. I need you to hang up with me and dial 911. Can you do that?”

Dean nodded mutely then he found his voice, “Yeah, I can do that Bobby.”

++

Bobby arrived at John’s house nine minutes and twenty-nine seconds later. He was certain his blood pressure was through the roof. He did not want Mary to hire someone to kidnap Dean. Bobby didn’t think John could handle getting Sam back only to lose Dean. He didn’t think he could handle it either.

When he arrived, there was already a sheriff car in the driveway. It was Sheriff Mill’s car. Bobby sometimes forgot that she lived nearby. In the backseat of her car was Mary Campbell. She looked even more evil than Bobby remembered. Bobby waved to Sheriff Mills and asked, “Where is Dean?”

Sheriff Mills nodded her head away from the squad car and whispered, “Dean is sitting on the sofa. I sent a squad car out to the community college where Sam and John are just to make sure no one tries to grab Sam. I don’t think that was what she was aiming for here, but I don’t want to take any chances.”

Bobby nodded and asked quietly, “What is going to happen to Mary?”

Jody frowned, “She is going to be charged with violating a protective order. It’ll probably be a few days in jail and a fine.”

Bobby nodded and entered the house. Dean’s leg was shaking with nervous energy. His eyes were brighter than normal. At first Bobby wasn’t sure what to say. Dean just wasn’t acting like Dean. Bobby carefully sat down next to Dean and took off his ball cap. He sighed and said, “Are you okay, Dean?”

Dean whispered, “She said she didn’t know.” Bobby knew Dean was whispering because Dean didn’t trust his voice not to break when he spoke. He wondered briefly what Sam thought was going on because Sam could feel Dean’s feelings.

Carefully Bobby said, “Dean, Mary paid Azazel to take your little brother and soulmate away from you. She set his nursery on fire to make it look like he was killed in the fire. You were in the hospital for a day for smoke inhalation because of that. She had no regard for you. She could have told the police who she sold Sam too, but she had no regard for him. Mary let those things happen to Sam. Every time, Sam was hurt, Mary could have stopped it but she didn’t. She is a selfish woman and she is trying to get you open up to her. I don’t know what she wants, Dean, but I know it is not good.”

Dean leaned back on the sofa and stared at the ceiling. He watched carefully as Dean blinked away tears. He weakly stated, “I know what she wants. She doesn’t want Sam and me to be around each other. She doesn’t want me fucking my brother.”

Bobby winced and decided not to correct Dean’s language. He knew that Sam’s sexual desire would be dependent on hormone therapy. Bobby knew John had an appointment with a specialist in Wichita next month for that. Bobby knew John wasn’t concerned about Sam’s sexual desires. He wanted Sam to grow up as normally as possible. Without hormone therapy Sam would not develop as masculine features and should he talk his voice would be higher. Bobby knew that John was going to let Sam have some say on the hormone treatment.

Before Bobby could answer, John rushed in the front door alone. His voice was frantic, “Dean, are you okay?”

Dean said quickly, “I am fine. Where is Sam?” Bobby was wondering the exact same thing.


	21. Chapter 21

There was something going on at John’s house when they got home. Sam wasn’t sure what to make of that. John sounded worried and told Sam to wait in the car, so he did as he was told. There were a few police officers roaming around and there was a lady whose face he couldn’t make out in the back of squad car. Sam wondered if he rode in the back of a squad car when he was rescued from Azazel. He knew that he passed out when the officer was carrying him out of the basement.

When Sam woke up he was in the hospital. He didn’t know it was a hospital and he didn’t know why people had strange masks over their faces. The thing that stuck out in his mind the most about that was they kept asking him if he could hear them and what his name was. Sam didn’t know he was Sam back then. Sometimes, Sam wondered what he would have said his name was. He knew he would probably have said Boy. He knew it was good day if Azazel called him Boy.

Sam watched Dean leave John’s house and walk over toward the car where he was waiting. He saw Dean glare at the woman in the squad car as he walked over. Dean opened the door to the car and the noise of the door opening always scared Sam. He was afraid of getting a hurt from the door.

Dean didn’t talk to him. Instead, Dean signed without speaking which Dean never did. Sam wondered why Dean was pretending to be broken like him. “Sammy, I am going to take you in the house with me. Please ignore the lady in the cop car. She is bad. Do you have anything from your art class to take in?”

Sam frowned at Dean. He wondered if people would ignore him because he was bad. No one he had met ignored him. Most people talked down to him which Sam understood. He knew he wasn’t as smart as other people. Sam signed carefully, “I have a sketch pad.”

Dean nodded and Sam watched his brother picked up the sketch pad and his pencil bag. He gave a fake smile and Sam could feel that Dean was nervous. When Dean stepped away from the car Sam got out. He was a little surprised when Dean put his arm around him. Sam didn’t like to be touched a lot. Sometimes he didn’t mind and wanted to be held. However most of the time, he liked to keep his distance. It lessened the chance for hurts if no one was touching him. 

Sam could feel Dean though and this touch was possessive. It took Sam a moment to realize Dean was being possessive of him. He didn’t understand why Dean would be possessive of him. Sam thought Dean disliked him. He wasn’t sure of a lot of things but he did know possessive behavior can turn violent. So Sam kept his eyes on the ground. He didn’t want to look the direction of the lady and upset Dean more. He could hear the woman shouting, _“Dean”_ and _“Sam.”_ He wondered how the bad lady knew his name.

++

Dean was relieved when he found out Sam was just outside in the car. His dad wanted to make sure he wasn’t bleeding in the house before he took Sam inside. Dean could understand that however John nearly caused him to have a heart attack. He went outside to get Sam because Sam was his and he knew Mary was still out there. Dean wanted Mary to know that Sam meant something to him.

He ended up finishing his homework on the floor of his room with Sam sitting nearby. Dean didn’t want to let Sam out of his sight and Sam seemed okay with that. His brother didn’t hide which Dean took as a plus. Sam even helped him with his math homework. Even though that was a little embarrassing, Dean was glad to have had the help.

When it came time for bed, Dean asked if he could sleep on the floor next to where Sam slept under the desk. Dean just didn’t like the idea of Sam being behind a locked door with everything that happened. It scared him to think that one locked door could slow him down enough to cause Sam to get taken again. He did know that if Sam disappeared again, he would kill Mary and probably Meg for good measure.

Dean could hear Sam’s breathing as he slept. He watched Sam almost the entire night that first night. He realized Sam had nightmares from the way his brother would thrash around and from what he was feeling from Sam. Dean wanted to wake Sam up from the dream, but he wasn’t sure if he should. Sam was in his hiding place under the desk. It was Sam’s little safety area where no one was supposed to bother him and Dean didn’t want to mess that up by waking Sam up.

So every night for the past week, he watched Sam struggle in his sleep. He noticed that Sam didn’t sleep more than an hour or two at a time. Then Sam would just stare at the wall where his color cards were. Sometimes, he could see Sam running his fingertips over the different colors and it made Dean wonder how much Sam had missed. Despite it doing a number on his back, Dean was starting to like sleeping next to Sam.

Dean had celebrated his seventeenth birthday earlier in the day. He had expected Sam to join in and eat some birthday cake. However, as soon as Uncle Bobby brought out the lighter to light the candles Sam hid. They weren’t even able to coax Sam out for dinner and eventually Sam retreated to his bedroom and locked the door.

After mentally debating with himself for a minute, he knocked lightly on Sam’s door. He wasn’t sure if Sam was going to answer or not, but he was relieved when Sam opened the door. His face was stained with tears. Sam ushered him inside and Dean stepped inside Sam’s room. He watched Sam carefully slide the lock on the door. Dean realized he had never been locked in Sam’s room with him before. He didn’t have a problem with that, it just told Dean that Sam must trust him.

Sam signed, “Where did you get hurts?” He could see that Sam’s eyes were scanning his body looking for an injury.

Dean asked a little dumbly, “What do you mean, Sammy? I didn’t get hurt.” He was a little clueless as to why Sam would think he got hurt. They were celebrating his birthday and no one even teased about a birthday spanking.

Sam frowned and signed carefully, “Where did you get burned? I saw the fire. I am not stupid. I know what happens when there is fire.”

Dean ran a hand through his hair and sat down on Sam’s bed. It was getting a layer of dust and he made a mental note to wash the comforter just to get rid of the dust. He forgot when he sat down on the bed that in Sam’s world a bed was a place where he got hurt. Slowly Dean said, “Sam, no one burned me. No one burned Dad and no one burned Uncle Bobby.” He paused and added, “No one is going to burn you, either.”

Sam looked confused and he sat down on the floor. He signed, “I don’t understand.”

Dean thought for a moment as he tried to think of the simplest way to explain this to Sam. He picked his words carefully and hoped Sam understood what he was trying to say. “Sam, when it is someone’s birthday, it is tradition to put candles on a cake and the birthday boy or girl blows them out. When you blow out the candles you’re supposed to make a wish. Then everybody eats cake and is happy.”

Sam nodded and signed, “I have never heard of that.”

Dean swallowed and decided to try to get Sam to open up a little. He stated carefully, “Someone burned you with an open flame before, huh?”

Sam ran his hand over Dean’s name on his arm and that was when Dean understood. Someone had tried to burn his name off of Sam’s arm and Sam remembered that. Sam signed slowly, “I remember Meg trying to burn your name off of me. She tried more than once. It hurt and she would always get so angry when she failed. She would beat me because you had a claim to me over her. I used to wish I could talk so I could tell her that I was her toy, not yours. But I couldn’t talk, I don’t remember being able to talk.” Sam frowned and signed, “I guess that makes me bad. I would have done anything to stop that. I was never good so I got punished a lot. I think I got in trouble the most for being your soulmate.”

Dean said quietly, “I’m sorry, I caused you to get hurt. That doesn’t make you bad, Sammy. You’re not bad. Was it only Meg that hit you because I am your soulmate?”

Sam shook his head no and signed nervously, “No, I try not to think about it. Azazel would cause hurts worse than Meg and when he did he would talk about how you hate me. He would talk about how he was going to ruin me. His goal was to make it so even in our afterlife, you would hate me. I think he did. I know you’re happier without me and I want you to be happy. I like the feeling inside of me when you’re happy. I don’t want you to get hurts because of me.”

Dean was torn between trying to defend himself and desperately apologizing. In the end, apologizing won out. “I’m sorry, Sammy. I never wanted you to get that impression. I am so sorry, I haven’t been a better soulmate to you. I cheated on you. I wasn’t there when you needed me. I hurt you. I caused your entire life to suck. If it wasn’t for me, Azazel would have never met you.” Dean was trying really hard not to cry, “Sam, you would have a mom and a dad. You would be able to talk. You wouldn’t sleep under a desk because it is the only place you feel safe. You would have friends and you would go to school like everyone else. Sammy, please don’t think for a minute that you take anything away from me. You gave up your life for me.”

Dean felt something from Sam with his statement. He felt understanding and regret. Dean didn’t know if Sam was now regretting being his soulmate but he hoped he got through to Sam. It made Dean feel terrible to think that what Sam did to cause himself to get tortured was the name of his soulmate. Dean knew he wondered if Sam provoked his poor treatment. It never crossed Dean’s mind that Sam’s poor treatment was because of the name on his arm.

++  
John was glad the boys were getting along better. It seemed like Dean had gotten his head of his ass. John knew it was probably temporary, but he would take what he could get. He had tried to explain birthdays and birthday cake to Sam earlier in the day when they made Dean’s cake. Apparently, he failed horribly at explaining it to Sam. Sam was hiding in his room but John was relieved Sam let Dean in. That was a good sign.

John was loading the last of the dishes into the dishwasher when Bobby asked, “What happened with Mary?”

John stopped his work and stared at his brother. He sighed and said bitterly, “Her parole officer charged her with violating her parole. If everything goes well, she would have to go back to prison to finish out the rest of her sentence. However, there is a whole court process with that which could take months and Dean may have to testify. She is still asking for supervised visitation with the boys. My lawyer is nice enough not to keep charging to me to submit the same paperwork to the court. I think he has a soft spot for Sam.”

Bobby hummed for a moment and stated carefully, “You should ask the court to terminate her parental rights. It would end the back and forth in the courts with her. I have a nest egg so I can help you with the expense.”

John shook his head and rested his hands on the top of the sink. He weakly said, “You’re right. I should have done that a long time ago. I just wanted to believe that she was sick and that she didn’t really hurt Sam. I never filed because I thought one day she would just show up with Sam. I never expected her to do what she did.”


	22. Chapter 22

Sam stared out the window of the car as they drove to the city. He wasn’t sure what the city was exactly. He had read about cities and seen pictures of cities in some of the books he’d been given to read for school. Cities had tall buildings and lots of people. It was the place where parades happened and protests happened. Sam had trouble imagining a place like that to be real.

He could see pretty far from his window and all he could see was flat golden fields. The fields seemed to go on forever until the sky ended. Sam saw the occasional tree near the roadside or decorating the landscape of the small towns they passed. The trees, the houses, the concrete roads, and the people seemed out of place to Sam. The fields and the way the sun shinned on the plants was one of the most beautiful things Sam had ever seen. It looked so free to him like he could stretch his fingers in the wind and never feel a hurts again.

Eventually though, the golden fields gave way to something different. First, it was land that spoke of neglect like no one cared for it. Then buildings and cars started to take over the space. The golden fields were replaced by concrete and stone.  Businesses for things that Sam had never heard of were everywhere. He wondered how many convenience stores, bars, and diners were needed in this world. On the horizon, Sam saw grey buildings. They looked small at first but as John drove closer they got bigger. Bigger than Sam ever imagined possible. It made Sam feel small as he looked up and saw the buildings reach up into the sky.

He didn’t know why someone would build something that tall. Sam wondered what it would be like to be inside one of those and he wondered how long it would take someone to get to the top. It still looked like the buildings didn’t belong.

Sam didn’t get to enter one of the tall buildings. Instead, John drove to an area where Sam saw a sign for a children’s hospital. The hospital was huge. It was bigger than the one near their home. It made Sam wonder if children in the city got more hurts.

Once they checked at the clinic part of the hospital. Sam had to get his blood drawn and Sam was used to getting poked like that. It was a minor hurt and the lady was nice. She cleaned and wrapped up his hurt which was something Alistair and Azazel never did. He remembered trying to clean his wounds with the moisture from his mouth after they were done with him.

After they took his blood, Sam had to sit in a cold waiting room with his dad and Dean. He could feel that Dean was nervous and that scared Sam. He wondered if the doctor was going to hurt him. He knew he was seeing a special doctor because Alistair cut a part of him off and apparently it was an important part. Sam didn’t really understand though, because he felt better than he could ever remember.

A nurse wearing a pink outfit called out, “Sam Winchester.” He looked up at her and slowly he made his way over to her with his dad. Dean decided to wait in the waiting room. The woman was perky when she said, “Hello Sam, how are you?”

Sam signed carefully, “I am fine. Thank you.” The woman gave him a confused look and then she looked at John. Sam was glad John was there to translate for him. Even though he tried, Sam knew he couldn’t communicate with most people.

++

The lady in pink checked Sam’s weight and his height. Sam noticed that since he went to live with John he had gained weight. He wasn’t sure if that was okay or not but he liked not being hungry all the time. He still got hungry sometimes, but he never asked for food or something to drink. Asking for something like that sounded like a good way to get a hurt or he thought he would be forced to do something for it and Sam had never been hungry enough for that.

Eventually, a doctor came into the room. He introduced himself as Dr. Benton. Sam saw that he had a scar across his face and Sam thought he looked familiar but he couldn’t place him. It was probably from a nightmare or something he saw on television. Sam didn’t dwell too much on that.

Sam felt the doctor listen to his heartbeat and he shined a light in his eyes, nose, and mouth. Sam didn’t like that much and he didn’t like the doctor touching him. The doctor picked up his arm that had Dean’s name on it. He rolled back his sleeve and Sam watched the doctor closely. He had a feeling this was going to end in a hurts. The doctor whispered, “Oh my god.”

Sam heard John say sharply, “What is wrong?” He noticed that his dad seemed worried and maybe a little angry.

Whatever the doctor saw on his arm, he didn’t say. Instead Dr. Benton stepped away from Sam which Sam was happy about. The doctor spoke rather clinically, “There are different choices on replacing Sam’s testosterone in his system. We don’t have to anything immediately so you have time to think about it and so does Sam. I typically recommend that we do not start hormone replacement until a boy reaches the age of 14.”

Sam wasn’t sure what hormone replacement was. He thought about asking but he figured John or Bobby could explain it to him later. He stared at his hands because he knew that John would do with him whatever he wanted, just like Azazel did. It didn’t matter what Sam wanted so Sam stopped listening.

++

John asked the doctor rather bluntly, “Does Sam have to do hormone therapy? What are the side effects and risks with the therapy?”

The doctor sat down on his stool and steadied his gaze with John. John found the man a little unnerving but he tried to hide that. He didn’t want to appear rude to the only specialist for this covered by his insurance. John also didn’t want to upset Sam anymore. His son looked frightened, which John could understand.

Dr. Benton sighed and said, “No, he doesn’t have too. However, he won’t develop a sex drive, muscle mass, and body hair. He may grow to be taller than average and his voice will be higher. His bone density will decrease overtime. Sam will still grow up to be relatively healthy and for what it is worth, castrated males tend to have a longer life expectancy than their uncastrated counterparts.”

John nodded in understanding. The fact that Sam would be okay either way was one of the things that made him question whether or not he should force Sam to do the hormone therapy if he doesn’t want too. John asked again, “And the treatment?”

The doctor smiled but John could tell it was faked, “I would recommend a monthly injection. It is easier to manage than the topical creams which would have to be put on daily. One of the most prominent side effects reported is the development of male breasts. It doesn’t happen all the time but it does happen. It is a long-term solution and to be honest, there isn’t much research on the long-term effects of this treatment on someone as young as Sam. Your son’s case is rare.”

John frowned and stated calmly, “I know. Is there anything we should do right now?”

Dr. Benton flipped through his chart and said calmly, “Sam has evidence of malnutrition in his past. I can write Sam a prescription for vitamins that should help. I do want to see Sam every six months, just to see how he is doing, to check his hormone levels, and bone density. It will also give Sam a chance to get used to this process before we start hormone therapy or just to continue monitoring him.”

++

Dean was certain he had a great idea to turn a torturous trip to the city into something halfway enjoyable. He conned his dad into taking them to the zoo after Sam’s doctor’s appointment. Granted it was February in Kansas, but the weather wasn’t too cold. Sam seemed to like the cold anyways.

Dean could feel that the zoo absolutely terrified Sam. Certain animals seemed to set Sam off, Dean noticed. The primary being the exhibit with wild dogs. Dean thought they were kind of cute with their rounded ears. Sam didn’t sign anything, but Dean knew Sam did not think they were cute. He tried to explain to Sam that they were in a cage so they couldn’t hurt them. His little brother didn’t seem convinced.

Highlight of the zoo visit was supposed to be when they stopped by the petting zoo. Sam looked like he saw a ghost when they stepped inside. Of course a goat walked right up to Sam and stared at him. Sam took a step back from the goat and the goat took a step forward. The goat bit down and tugged on the bottom of Sam’s shirt. If Sam wasn’t a traumatized child, Dean was certain he would have been laughing his ass off.

This was the point at which Sam started crying and signing that he wanted to leave and how he didn’t want any more ‘hurts.’ So the petting zoo failed miserably. They did leave the petting zoo after Sam’s close encounter with the goat. John still walked them around the zoo and Dean noticed that part way through, Sam was holding onto John’s hand. Sure, Sam was probably too old to be holding his father’s hand but Sam felt calmer.

Dean felt a pang of jealousy in his chest because Sam didn’t go to him for comfort. Sam always went to John or Bobby. He doesn’t know how to fix things with Sam. His brother had said to stay away because Sam believed Dean to be happier away. The thing was that was true. Dean did like his time away from Sam. He liked his time with Lisa more than any moment he had ever shared with Sam.  He wondered if he could sneak away and spend some time with Lisa, now that he more or less had Sam’s blessing.

He stopped his inner ramble when they stopped by the exhibit for the penguins. Sam put his hand on the glass after he slipped it out of John’s grasp. He watched the penguins’ line up and slip in and out of the water. Dean watched Sam’s eyes follow the mother penguins who were looking after their young. He almost missed Sam sign, “Are these animals in cages because they are bad?”

Dean watched as his dad knelt down in front of Sam so he would be at eye level. He spoke empathically, “No Sammy, these animals didn’t do anything wrong. They are here so we can learn about them. These exhibits are made to resemble their homes so they can have a nice life.”

Sam nodded slowly then signed, “I think I understand. So this is like how Azazel’s clients learnt about the children they could purchase by touching me. Azazel’s basement resembled a home, I think.” Dean knew Sam was uncertain and trying to figure this out. Unfortunately, Sam has confused. Dean could feel Sam’s confusion.

John shook his head no and stated clearly, “No Sam, not like that. Azazel was hurting you and the other children. No one is hurting these animals.”

Dean felt a sadness from Sam and he watched Sam sign, “But if they are kept in cages away from their homes how will they find their soulmate? Bad people are kept away from their soulmate.” Dean had never considered the prospect of animals having soulmates. It made sense now that Dean thought about it. Animals were another one of God’s creations.

++

Dr. Benton opened up a dusty patient file he kept in the bottom drawer of his desk. It was for an old pediatric patient of his, Garth Fitzgerald. He visited Garth weekly, just to talk these days because he felt like Garth needed a friend.

Garth was found chained to the wall in a house belonging to a drug lord.  He was seventeen at the time and that was about five years ago. The young man had scars similar to Sam and he was also castrated. He was heavily addicted to cocaine when the police found him. The people who worked for the drug lord said told they chained Garth up for nonpayment. Garth told police that he was kidnapped when he was nine.

No one believed Garth, they thought his drug abuse caused him to hurt himself and allow others to hurt him. No one reported Garth missing at nine and his parents denied that he was ever missing until recently. His mother reported that Garth had trouble understanding what was real and what wasn’t real. His soulmate, Bessie, ended up committing Garth to a state mental hospital and that is where Garth had lived since he turned 18.

Dr. Benton never put much stock in Garth’s story about being held in a windowless area by a man named Azazel since he was nine. Like the police, he didn’t believe Garth when he talked about caring for a young boy with the name _Dean Winchester_ printed on his arm. Garth called the boy, Winnie. Every time, Dr. Benton visited Garth he talked about how he promised Winnie that he would get him out of that place. Every time, Dr. Benton visited Garth would ask for his help with saving Winnie.

Every week for nearly five years, Dr. Benton never looked up Dean Winchester. If he had, he knew he would have found out that Garth was telling the truth. He could have stopped this five years ago.


	23. Chapter 23

John should have known that it would be far too simple for the case with Azazel Masters to be over and done with. Azazel did not give all the names of the children who were sold and the purchasers. The courts revoked their deal and a new trial date was set for Azazel. He wasn’t sure how he was going to tell Sam.

He knew that was only one of his concerns. The police located the young man who cared for Sam as an infant. When he spoke with the Agent Hendrickson, who was Bela Talbot’s supervisor, he found out that this young man was found five years ago. It was assumed he was a crazy drug addict and the police did not investigate any of the man’s claims.

The man’s name was Garth Fitzgerald and after it came to light that he was telling the truth, he was released from the mental hospital. John was curious about Garth. He wondered why he was locked up in a mental hospital for so long and he was going to find out. Garth had only one request. He wanted to know Sam was okay. John decided to pay him a visit to answer that question for Garth in person. He wasn’t sure if he was going to let Garth see Sam or not at this point.

John left the boys in Bobby’s care while he drove to the city. He drove to a rough part of town where there were blocks of low income housing. John looked at the slip of paper which had Garth’s apartment number on it. He got out of his car and walked up the path to the dingy apartment. He knocked on the door.

After a few moments, a tall lanky man opened the door. He was wearing short sleeves and John could see some scarring on the arms. Most notably to John was the burns that covered the man’s arm. It was like Sam’s arm. Someone had tried to burn the name of his soulmate off of his arm. The man’s voice was a little high when he spoke, “Hi, I am Garth. You must be John Winchester. Please come in.”

John stepped inside the apartment and was surprised with how clean it was. Everything was neatly in its place. The furniture was old and worn, but it looked okay. Garth led him over to the sofa in the living room and they both sat down. Carefully John said, “It is nice to meet you, Garth.” He pulled a recent photo of Sam and Dean out of his jacket pocket and handed to Garth.

He watched in silence as Garth teared up. Garth ran his fingertips over the picture. It was clear to John that Garth’s tears were those of happiness and relief. After a few moments of silence Garth said, “Winnie, he’s grown so much. Is he.. is he okay?” John didn’t really know what to think of Garth calling Sam, Winnie.

John took a deep breath and said cautiously, “He is getting better. Sam is mute. He has scars like you. Sam won’t talk about what Azazel did to him.” John wasn’t really sure how much about Sam he wanted to share with Garth.

Garth smiled and gently wiped away his tears. He explained rather sadly, “I was taken from Azazal’s house when Winnie.. I mean Sam.. was probably four or five. I’m not really sure. He could have been younger. I got sold to a drug dealer. He kept me locked up and addicted me to drugs. He used drugs to get me to do what he wanted. For a while, I would do anything to get that hit. When someone new entered his organization, he would make them do things to me and if I accepted it I got a hit.”

John didn’t really know what to say to that. He was glad he didn’t have to deal with a drug addiction problem with Sam or Dean. Although, he knew that because of Sam’s early childhood trauma, he had a higher probability of doing drugs. John didn’t want to stop Garth from telling his story so he said a quiet, “I’m sorry.”

Garth shook his head and his face turned a little red. His voice was bitter, “When the police found me. I told them what happened. They didn’t believe me. My parents sold me to Azazel. I don’t know why, but they lied to police and told them I made the whole kidnapping story up. I was a drug addict so of course they didn’t believe me. Every day, I tried to get someone to listen to me.

“I met my soulmate when I turned 18. She was beautiful, but she thought I was nuts like everyone else. Bessie married me, like she was obligated too. She put me in a mental hospital after I wouldn’t stop trying to find Win… Sam. I was locked up in a mental hospital for years. I knew I could lie to them and get out, but I couldn’t. So I asked and I begged every day, I told them Winnie’s soulmate’s name is Dean Winchester. I told them he was being held by a man named Azazel with a daughter named Meg. No one listened to me.

“I haven’t touched drugs since I went through detox. I like not being dependent on anything like that. In the hospital they would make me take medication to _control my delusions._ It took me a month to safely go off of those after they found out I was telling the truth all these years. The state is paying for my expenses and my apartment. I guess, this is their way of apologizing for not saving Winnie.” Garth stopped talking and looked down at his hands. He whispered, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to ramble.”

John found it interesting that Garth let himself remain locked up in a mental hospital for years, because he refused to lie about Sam. This young man was so focused on saving someone, he sacrificed his freedom to try to help him. He said the only thing he really could which was a simple, “Thank you for never giving up on my son.”

Garth shrugged and said quietly, “He was just a baby when I met him. I knew if I didn’t do something, Winnie would die there. He could crawl when I met him. I helped him learn how to walk. Winnie used to call me Gar. It was his first word. I taught Sam how to talk and then one day, Azazel decided he didn’t want us to talk anymore. I wish I knew why, but Azazel put these shock collars on us. Winnie used to scream and cry when he got shocked. I.. I used to try to put our blanket under his collar when we were alone so it wouldn’t hurt as much. By the time, I left Winnie didn’t speak.”

John asked because he wanted to know. “What did Sam’s voice sound like?”

Garth smiled and had a thoughtful look on his face. “Winnie sounded like a little boy. He had a little bit of a lisp. He always sounded so curious when he talked to me. I hope he can talk again.”

John smiled as he tried to picture a younger Sam talking. He missed those moments in Sam’s life that Garth talked about. He felt bad for Garth. He didn’t know why his parents would do that to him and he couldn’t grasp why Garth would care so much about Sam. John asked, “Why do you call Sam, Winnie?

Garth’s face lit up with a smile. There was excitement in his voice, “I didn’t know his name was Sam. I knew his soulmate was his brother. I figured that they probably had the same last name. Winnie is short for Winchester.” Garth laughed and said happily, “Whenever, I had to get onto Winnie for doing something bad, I would call him Mr. Winchester. That was how he knew he was in trouble or at least that was how he knew until we couldn’t talk anymore.”

John didn’t want to ask what Sam was doing that was bad. He knew that Garth probably had to be strict with Sam to avoid Azazel’s wrath. However, John could tell that Garth loved Sam. It saddened John to know that Sam did not remember Garth. He asked Garth, “Do you see your wife or any family?”

Garth signed, “My parents were charged with various things because they sold me and lied to police. I don’t really care what happens to them. I haven’t spoken to them in years and I don’t intend to speak to them ever again. My wife, Bessie, visited me every six months when I was in the hospital. She never tried to help Winnie. I can’t trust her. I don’t know if she had anything to do with what happened to me. I am keeping my distance for right now. We are trying to work things out, but I don’t know if that is possible.”

++

Dean knew his dad was going to be gone most of the day dealing with business in the city. The whole thing with Azazel and the others was mentally exhausting for Dean. He knew that Sam was kept largely in the dark about it. His dad didn’t want to stress Sam. His dad also kept Sam in the dark about the stuff with Mary. He knew his dad already had sole custody of him and Sam. Mary wasn’t allowed to see them and now his dad wanted to terminate her parental rights.

He knew that she had zero say in their lives. Her parental rights allowed her to ask the courts repeatedly to see them and her name was on their birth certificates. Dean had no doubt that if her rights got terminated their dad would get their birth certificates reissued from the state without her name. He was fine with that. Dean knew he never had a mother and this was just making if official.

In a way, Dean wanted her to see Sam and him during supervised visitation just once. He wanted her to see what she did to Sam. He wanted her to see the damage she caused and if he could, he would want her to feel the pain he felt inside from Sam. But he knew, that any attempt to make Mary suffer would just lead to disappointment. Dean knew in his heart that she wouldn’t care.

However that was the least of Dean’s worries right now. He had one hour to meet up with Lisa before Bobby and Sam got home. Sam had his art class tonight and Sam had really taken to it. His little brother even made a friend with some girl named Jessica. She started to learn sign language for the sole purpose of being able to talk to Sam. No one asked her too; she just did it. Dean was fairly certain Jessica was going to grow up to be a nun. She seemed good to a fault.

Dean made his way to the make out spot. It was out of town about five miles where there was an old abandoned house that was said to be haunted. It was the place of parties and make out sessions. Dean got out of his car and walked up to the abandoned house. When he stepped inside, he felt someone grab onto him and press her lips to his mouth.

He saw that it was Lisa and he kissed back. She giggled from the kiss and started to undo Dean’s belt buckle. Dean was glad she knew they didn’t have a lot of time. He slid down her pants quickly as she made short work of his. He started to rub his fingertips in between her legs and he got a moan from her.

She leaned her head on his shoulder and her voice was filled with lust when she asked, “Tell me what you have done with Sam. Tell me how much better it is with me.” Dean stilled his hand and he felt his erection lose interest. He replayed what Lisa said to him in his mind a couple times. He was trying to grasp why Lisa had wanted to include dirty talk about Sam, who was twelve, in their sexual encounter.

Dean thought he was going to throw up. He stepped away from her and wiped his hand on his shirt. He suddenly wished he had some hand sanitizer or something. He started to pull up his pants as he apologized because it was better than telling her that she creeped him out. “I’m sorry. I thought I could do this but I can’t. I have to go.”

He adjusted his pants back into position as Lisa did the same. Dean could tell she was pissed. She seethed, “I came all the way out here, just to watch you not be able to get it up. Does your little whore keep you that busy? He’s probably fucked more people than he can count. I bet he liked it too and you’re just one more on that list.”

Dean was fairly certain that if Lisa wasn’t a girl, he would have punched her with that statement. He took a calming breath and said firmly, “I honestly hope you never get raped because I would hate for someone to say those sort of things about you.” He paused and added, “For the record, I am not screwing Sam. He’s a child in case you’ve failed to notice.” 


	24. Chapter 24

Dean’s life at school sucked. He went from a decent social standing to the near the bottom rather quickly because of Sam. Well, Lisa’s smear campaign didn’t help and Dean knew that had a lot to do with it. He was still horny and at a loss of what to do about it. Dean’s hand just wasn’t as pleasurable as another person. He lost Lisa and Sam was off limits. He wasn’t sure what to do and he was contemplating talking to his dad or Bobby about it. Even though, that would be painfully awkward. Dean wondered how Gabriel handled this situation.

He searched for Gabriel during lunch at school. He found him sitting under a tree outside reading a book. Dean never pictured Gabriel being much of a reader. He stepped toward Gabriel and asked, “Mind if I sit down?”

Gabriel closed the book and looked up at him like he had lost his mind. Gabe shrugged and said calmly, “It’s a free country.”

Dean wanted to counter about how it wasn’t a free country because they were both going to be forced to marry their brothers, but he didn’t say that. He needed Gabriel’s input. Dean sat down and picked at the grass for a few moments then he asked sheepishly, “Can I ask you something?”

Gabriel laid down on the ground and stared at the sky. He gave a non-committal, “Sure.”

Dean thought for a moment about the right way to word this. His words were nervous when he tried to speak, “We’re both teenagers at our prime and we have needs… How do you deal with that with Castiel?”

Gabriel sighed and stated like he couldn’t believe he was having this conversation, “The first time, Castiel came to me with a hard on I thought I was going to die. He was like 11 or something, I was mortified that I was going to hurt him. I told him to go take care of that shit in the bathroom. He’s thirteen now and he does have those feelings. I had those feelings at his age. We just pray together when the feeling becomes strong.” Gabriel paused and looked over at Dean, “Michael always told me that it is harder to wait for Castiel to come of age, if I fooled around on the side. We do cuddle and kiss each other. It helps to end that need inside of me and Cas. In a couple more years, Castiel and I can do that. I know Cas would probably be okay with doing that now, but I can’t. I can’t take advantage of him like that.”

Dean doubted praying would help solve his problem. He gave up praying a long time ago when God didn’t bring his baby brother back. He did know that he had his baby brother back now, but Sam suffered a lot and Dean couldn’t understand why God would allow that. He knew the line, he told Sam. About there being good and evil, but Dean didn’t really believe that. He was just trying to make Sam feel better. It didn’t work, but he tried.

They were silent together for a while and Gabriel asked, “Is Sam coming on to you? Cas tried a couple times.”

Dean shook his head no and was a little embarrassed. “No, he’s never even mentioned doing that. We don’t touch. I kissed him once on the top of his head. I was trying to comfort him and he felt violated or something. Sam didn’t sleep for days after that. Anyways, it’s me. I want to have sex because it feels good. I know I can’t do that with Sam and I don’t know how to take care of it.”

Gabriel hummed for a moment and Gabriel turned his gaze back toward the sky. His voice was a little distant. “Cas and Sam talk a lot. Sam doesn’t think you like him and he thinks you’re going to hurt him.”

Dean was a little appalled by that and he defensively said, “Why would he think that?”

Gabriel shrugged and stated, “Because you’ve been a dick to him would be my guess.” Gabriel paused and added, “This conversation is confidential. So you better not go spreading crap around about Cas or I’ll kick your ass. You also better not tell Sam that I told you what Cas told me. Sam needs someone he can trust, don’t ruin that for him by being your typical selfish self.”

++

Dean spent the rest of the day trying to decide if he was selfish or not. He got pissed a lot about the amount of time his dad and uncle spent with Sam. They were always doing something with Sam and they were always looking after Sam. His dad did spend time with him, but not like they used too. Not when it was just them and Sam was missing. Dean knew he shouldn’t feel jealous or pushed aside but he did.

He understood that Sam needed family right now but Dean lost everything because of Sam. He hadn’t gone to any school dances this year. His dad banned football and his social standing was ruined because of Sam. Dean just wanted some freedom. He felt like he was suffocating and Sam was to blame for that. Dean realized that probably did make him selfish, but he didn’t think he was unjustifiably selfish.

Dean looked in Sam’s room from the cracked door. Sam’s walls were starting to get covered in drawings and paintings. There was a clay wind chime that Sam made hanging in the corner of the room. His brother was actually halfway decent at drawing. Dean knew some of the drawings were of Azazel’s house. He recognized the space under the stairs in one of the drawings. The toy army man was inserted into most of the pictures.

He knew Sam didn’t know he was there. Dean watched Sam for a few moments. He watched Sam try to talk. His little brother opened and closed his mouth a few times. Dean watched Sam put his hand up to his throat, like his hand was somehow going to help his vocal cords work. Dean didn’t say anything; he just watched. After a few minutes of trying Sam stopped trying to talk. Dean could feel Sam’s frustration.

Dean stepped away from the doorway to let Sam deal with his inner struggles alone. He walked down the hallway to the living room where his dad was rebuilding something in the middle of the floor. It looked a little greasy and Dean was glad his dad put down a drop cloth. The last time his dad did something like this he didn’t put down a drop cloth and the grease stained the carpet. They had to ask Aunt Karen how to clean it. Karen wasn’t around to ask anymore.

John stopped what he was working on and said a little tiredly, “Dean, what are you up too?”

Dean frowned and sat down on the sofa. He gave a halfhearted shrug and said bitterly, “Nothing. Tomorrow is the first day of spring break and I am still on lockdown.”

John sighed and started to wipe his hands clean. He clearly stated, in a voice that Dean knew meant his dad wasn’t playing around, “You’re not on lockdown. You can go out with your friends. I never said you couldn’t. Why haven’t you been hanging out with the guys? I heard that you pretty much keep to yourself at school and your grades are slipping a little. Is there something going on that I should know about?”

Dean wanted to point out that his dad throwing him off the football team for making out with a girl, then getting the football coach fired, and the return of his long lost little brother severely hurt his popularity. He didn’t list his grievances though. He was a little defensive, “I talk to Gabriel at school. The guys on the team are mad because I quit and I got coach fired. I don’t know how to approach it with them.” Okay, so maybe he did list some of his grievances but at least he didn’t blame Sam.

John gave the slow nod which Dean knew meant his dad was about to call him out on his half-truths. The careful tone his father gave confirmed what Dean thought, “Your football coach got himself fired. Have you given any thought about going to prom next month?”

Ah yes, Dean knew about prom. He knew all about prom. It was the formal event of his junior year that he had no intention of going to. He wanted to go, because everybody went. However, Dean had a little brother and he would have Sam’s proms to go to someday. He told himself that it would be okay if he just went to Sam’s proms instead of his. It would basically be the same thing and he could actually get laid at the end of the night.

Dean internally chastised himself for thinking about sex. He was trying to actively avoid thinking about getting laid. Dean figured praying and avoidance were close enough to the same thing. He cleared his head and tried to think of a good answer. He didn’t and he snapped at his dad, “No Dad, because I have no one to go to prom with. Somehow taking my traumatized soulmate doesn’t sound like a good time. So I am just going to sit in this house all day every day because of Sam.”

John glared back and Dean knew his was about to get chewed out. His father’s voice was sharp and Dean knew he was seconds away from getting grounded or losing his car. “First of all, Sam is not the reason you are sitting around the house. That is your choice and a reflection of your choices. Second of all, I am fairly certain that you can find someone to go with as friends. Are we clear?”

Dean nodded and said quietly, “Yes Dad.” He was calming down and still not sure if he wanted to listen to reason. Not wanting any more drama in his life, Dean turned around stalked off to his bedroom. He slammed the door a little hard for dramatic effect. He didn’t think about what Sam would think about that.

++

 John couldn’t get Sam to come down for dinner. He had told Dean to eat while he tried to talk to Sam. John knew it was probably going to take a while and he didn’t want Dean to go hungry waiting. He could always reheat his and Sam’s plate. Sam’s bedroom door was open and John saw Sam under his desk. That didn’t alarm him. It was the little blood stains on Sam’s arms that alarmed him.

He knelt down on the floor near Sam. He didn’t want to startle his son. John spoke gently, “Sammy, are you okay? What happened?”

Sam signed, “Make it stop.” John could see that Sam had blood under his fingernails. In all likelihood, Sam did this to himself. Why Sam did it, John didn’t know. Sam had been crying and his eyes looked a little glassy. John realized that something triggered Sam.

John kept his voice soft and gentle as he spoke, “What do you need to stop?”

Sam hesitated before answering. His signing was a little erratic, but John understood what he was trying to say. “Hurts.”

John took a deep breath. He held out a hand and gently said, “Come on Sammy, let me get you cleaned up.”

Sam looked at his hand for a moment and John wasn’t sure if Sam was going to go with him. Slowly, Sam took John’s hand and came out from under the desk. He took Sam into the bathroom and sat Sam down on the toilet. John noticed the wary look Sam gave the shower, but John decided not to draw attention to that.

He filled up the sink with warm water and then he wet a cloth. John started to gently wipe away the blood on Sam’s arms and hands. Sam had little fingernail shaped cuts in his skin. John surmised that Sam dug his nails into his arms and probably didn’t even realize he was doing it. He gently dried off Sam’s arms and applied some ointment to his son’s skin.

When he was done he sat back on his heels and asked, “Sammy, what made you so upset?”

Sam looked a little calmer now and his eyes weren’t glassy anymore. His son signed, “Dean is angry with me. He hates me. I heard him. I don’t know why I am bad.”

John brushed Sam’s hair out of his face. He would personally like to cut Sam’s hair shorter but Sam liked to be able to see his hair. He wasn’t about to argue with Sam about hair style so he let it go. Carefully John said, “Dean doesn’t hate you. He loves you. Dean is just going through a rough time, but you don’t have anything to do with that. Don’t worry, Sammy, you’re good.”

Sam frowned and shook his head. He signed, “Only you and Bobby say I am good.”

John smiled and said with some reservation. “That is not true. I met someone who was kidnapped by Azazel like you. He took care of you as a baby. He said you were good. He said he called you Winnie.”

John saw a spark of recognition with the name Winnie and John hoped that Sam remembered something. If Sam did, his son didn’t say.

 


	25. Chapter 25

Sam wished he knew how to make Dean happy. These days Dean ran hot and cold with him. Sometimes he was nice and sometimes Dean looked at Sam with more disgust than Azazel ever did. The more time Sam spent out of Azazel’s basement the less the world made sense. Sam missed Azazel and Meg. He missed the way Meg would sit him on her lap as she trimmed his nails. He missed the way Azazel would scrub his skin during a shower when Sam had to be extra pleasing for a client. Those times with Azazel and Meg were the closest he ever felt to being wanted.

John and Bobby were nice to him and they hugged him sometimes. They made him feel wanted and loved. He never felt loved by Azazel and Meg, but he felt loved now. However, Sam didn’t like to impose on them. Sam longed for physical contact. He wanted someone to hold him. He just didn’t have anyone to do that. Sometimes, Sam thought about asking Dean to hold him but he could never get his hands to move to make the signs when he saw Dean.

Sam took one of the pillows off the bed and he liked to rest it against his back as he slept. It was almost like someone was holding him and keeping him safe. Sam had been having the same recurrent nightmare too. The one with the bloody blanket at Azazel’s house. He never told anyone about the nightmare, but he knew Dean knew about it. Dean saw it when he poked around his head. However, Sam knew Dean didn’t like him so he couldn’t talk to Dean about it.

He still slept behind a locked door because he felt safer like that. Sometimes Dean slept on the floor near him, but not all the time. When Dean was asleep sometimes Sam wondered if it would be okay to touch him. But Sam never did because he didn’t want a hurts. He thought Dean would hurt him. Sometimes, Dean got a look in his eye like Alistair did when he was going to be particularly cruel. Sam hid from Dean during those times.

Last week, Sam helped Uncle Bobby plant a garden. Sam had never dug in the dirt before and he certainly never grew anything. He had read in a science book about how long it takes plants to germinate. He knew it would take 7 to 10 days for most of the seeds. Sam enjoyed watering them every morning. He drew a picture of the garden yesterday. Only a couple of the plants had sprouts. The rest was nothing but a dirt hill. He drew the dirt too.

The reason Sam drew the picture was because he read that when he met someone he hadn’t seen in a long time, he should offer a gift. Sam didn’t have money, so he drew a picture. He hoped that would be enough.

Sam and John went to a building labeled for social services. He saw Joseph waiting for them outside and Sam smiled at Joseph. He liked Joseph a lot. Joseph gave him a voice through his hands. Sam as led into a room with a large window to the outside. There was another window on the wall that Sam couldn’t see through and he thought that was odd. John and Joseph sat down on the sofa and Sam wasn’t sure what to do.

Then the door to the room opened and another man came in. This man was tall and skinny. He looked familiar to Sam. Sam watched curiously as the man crouched down near him and the man had tears in his eyes. Sam remembered those eyes. He carefully picked up the man’s hand, because he wasn’t afraid of this man. He looked and he saw scars on the hands. However, in his dreams at night, this was what the hand looked like that held him after he got a hurts. This was what the hand looked like that comforted him.

Sam heard the man say through his tears, “Winnie.” Sam smiled, he remembered vaguely being called Winnie but he thought it was a dream. He thought it was one of his dreams about being free that didn’t mean anything. He felt relief and excitement. If he was Winnie then this was Gar.

Sam tilted his head curiously at the man and signed, “G-A-R.” He heard Joseph say what he signed which he had gotten used too. Sam was used to signing something and someone else translating it.

The man wiped away his tears and said brokenly, “Yes Winnie, it’s me. It’s Garth. I’m your Gar.”

Sam smiled because his dreams of something better when he was in that place weren’t all make believe. He reached forward and wrapped his arms around Gar. He felt Gar put his arms around him and this was what Sam wanted. He wanted someone to hold him and make him feel safe. Sam cried on Gar’s shoulder but the man didn’t seem to mind. He just gently rubbed Sam’s back. Sam mouthed the name, “Gar,” but as always no sound came out.

++

It was Sheriff Mills’ idea to reunite Garth and Sam. Garth was an open book on what happened. Sam on the other hand was silent. Jody thought Garth might be able to get Sam to open up a little. John agreed, not because he was focused on Sam opening up, but because Garth seemed to be the one good person Sam knew. On top of that, Garth never stopped trying to get Sam out Azazel’s house. It did bother John that not one person ever took Garth’s claim seriously. It made him wonder how many more Garths there were in the world.

They held each other for a longtime and John knew no words were being exchanged. They slowly pulled away from each other and sat down cross legged on the floor. Garth sounded regretful when he spoke, “I’m sorry, you didn’t get out sooner. I tried, Winnie, but no one listened to me. Are you okay?”

John watched Sammy sign to Garth, “I think so. John and Bobby are nice to me. They love me. I have two friends. Their names are Castiel and Jessica. I am in an art class with them.”

Garth gave a sad smile after Joseph translated. He replied, “That is good, Sam. I have my own apartment but it is in a bad neighborhood. My case worker got me a job stocking shelves at a grocery store at night. I am taking some classes in the evenings before work to get my GED. I haven’t made any friends yet, but I am glad you have.”

Sam looked at Garth curiously. John knew that look. It was the look Sam got when he didn’t understand something. Sam signed, “You have a wedding ring. Did you marry your soulmate?”

Garth fiddled with the ring for a moment and John could see Garth’s disappointment. He quietly said, “Out of all the people in the world, I thought Bessie would be there for me. She wasn’t, not when I needed her. She didn’t believe me when I needed her too. She didn’t believe me about you and she let you get hurt for years. She locked me away in a mental hospital for wanting to save you. She didn’t think you were real. I haven’t been able to forgive her for that.”

Sam shrugged and signed, “It’s okay. My soulmate is mean too. He hates me. I’ve heard him say so. He calls me names, but he hasn’t hit me yet.” Sam paused and pulled a piece of paper out of his jacket pocket. He handed it to Garth and signed, “Here, I made you something. It is a drawing of my garden.”

John knew he had to have another talk with Dean when he got home. He wanted Dean to be a better brother and a better soulmate. Dean was just being immature and while John didn’t want to steal away Dean’s last moments of being a child. He needed Dean to grow up for Sam’s sake.

++  
Dean never did find a date for prom, so he decided to drag Sam along for pictures then spend the rest of the evening sitting the corner. He doubted Sam would do well with the loud music. Dean had no idea how Sam was going the handle the rush of switching classes in school next year. If Sam went to school and wasn’t home schooled again.

His brother had spent the morning meeting some guy that was locked in the basement with him. Dean wanted to know if that was wise, but he didn’t ask. It got his dad out of his hair so he could sleep in. Dean was fixing the tie on his tux and he could hear his dad helping Sam with his. He wondered absently if this was supposed to be some bonding moment between father and son that he was missing out on because of Sam.

Dean grumbled and pulled his tie off. He flopped down on his bed as he decided he was over this. All of this. His rebellion was short lived.  His dad walked in the room and he had that proud parent grin on his face. Dean watched John pick up the discarded tie off of the floor and he said with some amusement. “Couldn’t get the tie work, Deano? Come here, I’ll help you out.”

He stared at the ceiling of his room and he wanted to tell his dad that he was smart enough to put on a stupid tie. Apparently, Sam wasn’t smart enough to do that though. Dean groaned and got up. He let his dad primp his suit jacket and secure the tie. He felt a little bit like a girl and like a five year old with his dad making sure he looked alright.

Dean looked down at his tie when his dad was done. He got the father son moment he wanted. He was just to mad to care at the time. Dean flattened his palms over his chest and said a quiet, “Thanks.”

His dad gave him a smile and closed his bedroom door. Dean knew that wasn’t a good sign. His dad’s voice was quiet and Dean could hear the careful wording in it, “Dean, do you want to know how your brother described you today?”

Dean really did not want to know nor did he care. He sighed and said a halfhearted, “Sure Dad.”

John looked a little sadder and Dean could tell his dad was upset which was odd. His dad was made of steel. “Sam said you are mean to him and you call him names. I don’t know what you’re calling him, but stop.”

Dean huffed out a breath and said defensively, “I call him little freak and bitch to mess with him.” Dean laughed. “I am trying to bond with him like you said.”

His dad did not return the laughter. His voice wasn’t loud but he could tell his dad was pissed, “What exactly to you think those men were calling your brother while they raped him? Or how about while they set his skin on fire or cut him with knives for fun?”

Dean rolled his eyes and stated in a placating manner, “Fine, I’ll just call him Sam. I know they didn’t use that name when he had their dicks in his mouth.” He barely registered the slap across if face before it happened. His dad had never hit him before of course he never smarted off about someone getting sexually assaulted before either.  Dean rubbed the side of his face and said a quiet, “Sorry.”

++

Dean drove Sam to prom in silence. He watched Sam. His little brother was resting his head up against the back of the seat and Dean could see that Sam was staring up at the sky. He wished he could understand why the sky was so interesting to Sam. He had to remind himself that Sam spent his entire life staring at ceilings. The sky was ever-changing and new.

He walked in to prom with his arm around Sam. He could feel that the crowd made Sam uneasy, not that he could blame Sam. They got their pictures taken in front of a cheesy backdrop and he held Sam’s arm as they walked in together officially. Dates with their soulmates always got to walk in first, but that didn’t feel like much of an honor to Dean.

He found them a spot to sit off to the side and as far away from the speakers as Dean could manage. They watched the people trickle in and Dean could feel that Sam wasn’t all that frightened. He signed as he spoke to Sam, because the music was loud and he wasn’t sure if Sam heard him. “What do you think of this?”

Sam shrugged and signed, “Azazel had parties like this, where men would dress like us. Those times were good. I got fed if I did as I was told.”

Dean looked out to the dance floor and he spotted Gabriel and Castiel. The blue on their tuxes made Castiel’s eyes sparkle. Gabriel had his arm around Castiel’s waist and he was swinging Cas around. Castiel’s feet weren’t touching the ground. The younger boy was laughing joyfully and Gabriel was grinning happily. Dean wondered if he could ever enjoy spending time with Sam like that or he would ever hear Sam laugh.

Once Gabriel stopped spinning Castiel around. Dean saw that Cas spotted them. Castiel all but dragged Gabriel over to them. Castiel bounced as he spoke. He was clearly excited, “Sam! Dean! I didn’t know you were coming! Are the two of you going to dance together?” Dean never pictured Cas as the dancing type.

Sam signed, “I don’t know how to dance.”

Gabriel chuckled and said with authority, “All you do is put your hands on Dean’s shoulders and rock back forth like this.” Gabriel demonstrated on Castiel and added, “You do it until the song ends.”

Dean saw that Sam was uneasy and he could appreciate that. He figured that if he was going to be stuck with Sam for the rest of life, they might as well have their first dance at prom. Hopefully, it would go over better than the first time Dean kissed Sam since he came home. 


	26. Chapter 26

Sam was doing okay, Dean guessed. Sam lasted about two hours at prom which was longer than he expected. Their first dance was nothing to write home about. Sam stared at the balloons on the ceiling the whole time. It probably would have lasted longer if Sam didn’t see Fergus. Dean was dancing with one of the ladies in his class when it happened. Fortunately, Gabriel was sitting with Sam at the time and Dean thought Gabriel might hit the bully. What happened still haunted Dean.

_Dean heard Gabriel say sternly, “Fergus stay away from Sam.” Dean turned his head to see his onetime bully attempting to harass Sam._

_Dean excused himself from his dance partner who was one of Lisa’s friends. She had been filling him in on how much Lisa missed him and wanted to apologize. It was a tempting offer to find Lisa, but from Gabriel’s tone and the way everyone’s attention was on Fergus, Gabriel, Castiel, and Sam. Dean knew he had to defend his soulmate._

_He walked slowly over to Fergus and asked slowly, “Do you have a problem with my soulmate?”_

_Fergus got a smug look on his face and said with amusement, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you cared about your soulmate. You see, your piece of shit soulmate caused my good friend, Meg, not to be able to come to her senior prom. She is disappointed so she told me just the right way to get under his skin.”_

_Dean rolled his eyes and stated clearly, “McCloud, I don’t want to fight you in front of Sam. However, I will tell you to stay away from Sam and stay away from me. You can tell Meg that she is missing her prom because she never stood up to her dad.” Much to Dean’s surprise, Fergus chuckled and walked away._

Dean left prom with Sam shortly after that encounter and as soon as Sam got home he held on to their father for dear life. Sam didn’t ask Dean to hold him or comfort him. Sam didn’t ask for anything from him. His little brother felt better away from him. Dean still felt a hole inside of him from Sam but if anything he made it worse. Dean knew it was the way he had treated Sam. It had been his actions and the things that he said. He found himself staring at his reflection in the mirror for hours when he realized he needed help.

So here Dean was, at a therapist’s office. Apparently, finding a therapist because of soulmate issues was significantly easier than finding a therapist to sort through what Sammy had been through. Of course, Dean realized that Sammy had special needs. He needed a therapist that knew sign language and Dean had no doubt that limited his options.

Dean had been seeing Pamela three times a week since prom, so about three weeks. He was starting to trust her enough to open up, but he was just worried that his dad would kick him out and be done with him. Dean mostly talked about football and Lisa. He hadn’t mentioned the extent of Sam’s issues. Dean decided that he was going to pass that hurtle today or at least he hoped he was.

Pam led him into her small office. He sat down in the plush chair and she sat down in the chair next to him. Pam opened a folder and handed a picture to Dean. He looked at the picture. It was a picture of her with some boy, who looked to be around eight or so. It was a recent picture as far as Dean could tell. Dean asked tentatively, “Who is that?”

Pam chuckled, “That is Jessie, my soulmate. I thought you might benefit from knowing a little about me since you aren’t opening up about Sam. Jessie is about twenty-five years younger than me. He had a rough life. His mother couldn’t afford to raise him so she put him up for adoption. From my understanding, Jessie’s adoptive parents were great. However, his birth mother broke into their house one night and killed them. Jessie was put in foster care and I petitioned the court to be his legal guardian. I am more of a mother to him than a future wife. I can’t picture myself having the role of wife in his life. I felt a lot of pain from Jessie when his parents died, but he is getting better. That pain is going away. It just takes time.”

Dean nodded and said slowly, “That sucks for Jessie.” He didn’t really know what else to say. He thought it would be awkward for Jessie to be raised by his soulmate. He briefly thought about what it would be like if his dad was his soulmate. He determined that would be worse than it being his little brother.

Pam smiled. It was that therapist smile which they give for encouragement or something. She probed, “So tell me about Sam?”

Dean sighed, “Sam is my little brother. He is going to turn 13 this week. My mother sold him to a nut job when he was six months old. Said nut job tortured and molested Sam for who knows how long. One of his goons cut off Sam’s manhood. Anyways, when he came home my life started to suck.”

Pam nodded and asked, “Why is that?”

Dean groaned, “I wanted to play football, hang out with my friends, and get laid. Lisa was my short-term girlfriend. Sam was just fucked up. Sam is mute and I didn’t want to take the time to learn sign language with him. I couldn’t hang out as much with my friends because I had to learn sign language. I had to quit football because of him and now, I can’t even get laid.”

Pam asked rather skeptically, “What about your father? How is he dealing with separating time with you and time with Sam?”

Dean rolled his eyes and stated, “We don’t get as much time together. I couldn’t even have birthday cake without Sam freaking out. Christmas was just awkward. Sam just stared at everyone like we were two seconds away from beating him. My dad had to help him through opening every single present. Dad barely made note of anything I got.” Dean leaned back and rubbed his temples, “I know it isn’t Sam’s fault, but I feel like he is taking my dad away from me and I hate him for that. I already lost my mom and my aunt. I lost any hope of ever having a normal relationship with Sam. I just don’t want to lose my dad too.”

++

Dean watched Sam’s birthday from a distance. It was just him, Bobby, and John. Nothing spectacular, his dad didn’t want to unsettle Sam by inviting a bunch of people over. Sam’s thirteenth birthday was odd. None of Sam’s presents were wrapped, because Sam didn’t like unwrapping things. No one put candles on Sam’s cake, but they did sing an off key version of _Happy Birthday._ Sam even ate some of the cake which was an improvement from the way Sam acted on Dean’s birthday.

Sam was most excited about getting a giant box of colored pencils from Uncle Bobby. Dean couldn’t help but roll his eyes at that. Sam loved art. It was something of a shame that his art class was going to end in a couple weeks.

Dean remembered the things Pam said to him on how to repair his relationship with Sam. He had to not say anything negative like calling him names and he had to compliment Sam. She also said he should spend at least fifteen minutes a day with one on one time with Sam. Dean had trouble with that one. Sam liked to hide from him.

Once the cake was finished, Dean heard John ask Sam in a gentle voice, “Did you make a birthday wish?”

Dean watched Sam nod and sign, “Yes, I’ve never done that before.” Dean highly doubted Sam knew when his birthday was until recently. It made Dean think back to all of his birthday parties growing up. There were lame ones and there were good ones. Aunt Karen would always make cupcakes for his class in grade school. One year, he got her to make little mini pies for everyone. Dean missed those moments and he knew if Sam was in the picture, he probably wouldn’t have gotten that from her.

He shook his head of the thought. Dean had to remind himself that he still mattered to his family and he still would have mattered to Aunt Karen. Along with making Sam a gift every year for his birthday. Aunt Karen would have him write a note to Sam on a balloon and they would release it on the back porch. His aunt’s theory was that Sam could see his birthday message written in the clouds. Apparently Aunt Karen missed the memo about Sam being locked in a basement with no way to see the sky.

Dean wasn’t doing a very good job of mentally reminding himself he still mattered. He decided to list off the things his dad does with him. He knew his dad helped him with his homework. His dad would take him to the shop and they would work on cars together after hours. He knew it was work, but Dean still enjoyed the time with his dad. He thought about all the baseball games they used to go too. They hadn’t gone to a single game this year. Dean knew it probably had to do with Sam.

He was pulled out of his self-loathing by Bobby playfully asking Sam a question. “What did you wish for?”

Dean watched Sam smile at their uncle and sign carefully, “I wished for Dean to be able to play football again. I feel a sadness from him whenever he talks about it. It used to make him happy.” Dean stared at his little brother, slightly dumbfounded. Out of all the things Sam could have wished for like world peace or something, Sam asked for something for his soulmate. Dean felt slightly undeserving of Sam’s concern and he was a little annoyed that Sam broadcasted to Bobby and his dad how he felt about getting pulled off of the football team.

++

John hoped that therapy was helping Dean. He wished he could find someone willing to talk to Sam, but so far he hadn’t been able to find anyone willing. It was a struggle. It was either figure it out on their own with Sam or institutionalize him. The few professionals he saw about Sam, all recommended putting him a mental institution. After meeting Garth, John could not do that to Sam. He couldn’t put Sam in another prison.

Finding someone to talk to Dean was relatively easy.  It only took a few phone calls and John was glad Dean was willing to work on whatever was causing him to dislike Sam. John did have to make a few changes for Dean though. He was asked by Pam to spend a little more one on one time with Dean. It was difficult with Sam’s needs but John thought he was managing okay.

John wanted to talk to Dean about Sam’s birthday and a couple other things. He knocked on Dean’s door and waited for a reply. He heard Dean shout, “Come in.”

He carefully opened the door and stepped inside. He asked, “How are you doing, son?”

Dean laid back down on his bed and said as if he wasn’t interested, “Fine.”

John nodded and asked, “Have you started on any college applications yet?” He knew Dean needed to start applying to start a little over a year from now. John knew Dean sometimes wanted to go and other times he just wanted to work at the family business.

Dean sighed and grumbled, “Does it matter if apply or not? I am going to be stuck here with Sam.”

John frowned and sat down in Dean’s desk chair. Calmly he said, “Dean, I think you and I both know it is okay for you to go to college. Sam is still going to be here when you get back. We can come visit you and you can always come home to visit us. We will make it work.”

Dean threw a pillow over his head as he grumbled a little more and asked, “What do you really want?”

John sighed and stated clearly, “Well, I want you to figure out if you’re going to college or not for starters. I would like to see you go, Dean. Second of all, I thought about Sam’s birthday wish and I think he might have a point. I am going to see about getting you back on the football team. Is that that something you want?”

John watched as Dean stopped grumbling and removed the pillow from his head. His son looked at him carefully. As if Dean was trying to decide whether or not to get excited. Cautiously Dean said, “Really?”

John nodded and reassured him, “Really, son. All I ask is that you stay faithful to Sam and maintain at least a B in all of your classes.”

Dean smiled and he got up from the bed. He gave his dad a hug and said happily, “Thanks Dad, you’re the best.”


	27. Chapter 27

Sam wasn’t really sure what to make of the changing seasons. When he was first allowed to go outside, the temperature was not all that different from inside Azazel’s house. Then it got cold and snow fell from the sky. Then it started to get warm again but cold in the mornings. The smell of rain was odd to Sam. He never thought water coming from the sky could have a smell. He knew snow had a smell too, but he didn’t like the smell of snow. He liked the smell of rain.

According to Sam’s books, it was still spring but it was starting to get hot. Hotter than Sam had ever felt and Dean told him it was summer break. This meant Dean didn’t have school all day but he did have football practice in the mornings. Sam didn’t understand how summer break could start in spring. Dean showed him on a calendar when summer break started and ended. It did appear that the bulk of the break was in fact in the summer, but over a month of it was in spring.

That oddity was not the only thing that had Sam curious. Dean said the weather would get hotter, but it was already getting uncomfortably warm outside. He would start sweating after mere minutes outside and the heat felt hot on his skin. Not as hot as when he was burned or put under scolding water, but hot. The impending heat of summer scared Sam because Bobby explained to him that the heat can cause a hurts. It could make him sick. It made Sam wonder if Azazel was protecting him by never letting him go outside.

Sam was sitting outside at Bobby’s house. He was drawing his garden. It was doing quite well and Sam never imagined plants growing like this. He knew to most people it probably sounded silly or stupid, but to him it was amazing. He drew his garden weekly and mailed the drawing to Garth. He didn’t get to see Garth that often. Sam didn’t really understand why, but it had something to do with not living near each other and work schedules. So he drew Garth a picture. His dad said it was a good way to show he cared.

Sam did get to talk to Garth on the phone. Well, it was more like his dad put the phone on speaker and told Garth what he was signing. It wasn’t ideal and Sam was excited to know Garth was trying to learn sign language. He hoped that the next time he saw Garth, they could talk without having to have anyone translate for them.

He smiled slightly as he continued drawing his garden. One thing that Sam felt was different was how John and Bobby would leave him alone outside. He remembered when he first came to live with John, one of them were always with him. Sam understood why even though they didn’t say it. He was bad and they had to make sure he didn’t do anything bad.

Sam looked up from his drawing to see dark greenish clouds and the warm temperature outside was slowly dropping. He eyed the clouds curiously because he had never seen that before. The wind started to pick up so Sam gathered his art supplies to take them inside. He didn’t want the wind to rip his drawing or something. The wind was strong, much stronger than Sam had ever felt and it stung slightly on his skin. It wasn’t enough to be a hurt but it still got Sam’s attention.

He entered Bobby’s house through the backdoor and he sat his things down on the table. Sam knew it would be okay because that was what Bobby always told him to do. As Sam walked into the living room to find his uncle, he heard a loud squeal. Sam wasn’t sure what it was but he had heard this squeal before. Sam shivered because that meant he was put in the hole at Azazel’s house. It was worse than under the stairs. It was a place under the carpet with a metal door that laid flat against the ground. Sam remembered that he had to curl up in the fetal position to fit. He never knew how long Azazel left him there. It was silent and dark once the door was closed.

Sam started crying and he didn’t realize he had started crying. He felt Bobby’s hand on his shoulder. It was a gentle hold but it was reassuring. It reminded Sam that despite the squeal, he wasn’t in the hole yet. Bobby spoke gently to him but he sounded uneasy, “There is a tornado nearby, Sam. I don’t think it is going to hit where we are, but we should get you to the basement where you’ll be safe.”

Sam took a step away from Bobby as his heartrate sped up. He thought he was being good. He was doing as he was told. Sam realized they must have figured out that he was bad like Azazel said. Now they were going to throw him back in the basement. He would never get to go outside again and the hurts would be more frequent.

He knew better but for some reason he couldn’t stop his hands from signing, “Please don’t, I’ll be good. I’ll do whatever you want. Anything, please.”

Sam was surprised when Bobby backed off and sounded a little distraught, “Okay Sam, you don’t have to go downstairs. If the tornado gets close we won’t have a choice. Just take some deep breaths for me, Sam. I’m not going to hurt you.”

Sam nodded silently and did was he was told. If taking deep breaths was what he had to do to stay out of that place, he would gladly do it. Sam started to feel himself calm down but he could still hear the squealing. He watched as Bobby turned on an old radio. Sam could hear a man explaining the weather. He focused on the man’s voice and what he was saying. The things the man was describing as happening, Sam didn’t know was possible. He had read about it during his studies, but he never imagined it was real. Most of all the never imagined the fear.

He heard the front door open and Sam felt excitement from his soulmate. Sam looked up to see Dean. He didn’t say anything and he was well aware of the fact that he was still crying. Dean walked over to him and grinned. He sounded happy, “Sammy! This is your first tornado. We need to go outside and sit on the porch to see if we can spot it. Come on.”

Sam stared at his soulmate carefully. He didn’t really know what to sign. Bobby wanted to throw him back in the basement for being bad and Dean wanted to show him a tornado that could kill him. He heard Bobby say gruffly, “Dean, stay inside. Sam is already upset. Why don’t you be supportive or something?”

He watched Dean shrug and state calmly, “No need to worry, Sammy. Tornadoes never do anything.” Sam was so confused.  

++

The day after the green skies and the tornado was an important day. John made Sam dress up in a button down shirt and a tie. Dean had to dress the same and they had to go to the courthouse. A judge wanted to talk to them. Sam knew it had to do with Mary. He knew Mary was his mother. He knew that Azazel said she got rid of him because he was bad. John said Mary got rid of him because she was bad, not him. Dean said Mary got rid of him because she’s an asshole. Bobby said Mary got rid of him because she was twisted in the head. Sam wasn’t exactly sure how one was twisted in the head.

First Sam had to wait in a small room with a television in the corner showing one of the local stations. Sam didn’t pay much attention to that. He could feel how nervous Dean was. Sam wondered if Dean was going to get hurt. He figured that this must be how they hurt people outside of Azazel’s home. Sam knew his dad was in court, but Dean was with Sam. Sam didn’t really understand what court was.

He wasn’t sure how long they were back there, but a police officer called Dean to get his hurts. Sam hid in the corner after Dean left. He learnt a long time ago to hide when the hurts are coming. Staying out of the way caused less hurts. Dean was gone for an hour and when he came back Sam thought he looked more relaxed.

Dean gently pulled him out of the corner and gave him a hug. Sam didn’t return the hug because he didn’t know where the hurts were and he didn’t want to cause Dean anymore pain. Sam did think Dean handled the pain well. He had a strong soulmate.

Sam felt an ominous feeling when they called his name. He lowered his head like he knew Azazel would like. Sam tried not to flinch with the officer put her hand on his shoulder. He knew he failed and the officer moved her hand away. Sam hoped that wouldn’t cause him more hurts.

He was led into an office and he sat down in a leather chair. Sam looked at a woman wearing a black robe. She looked different from other people he had seen. Her eyes were shaped differently and her skin was tanned. Sam thought she looked pretty. The woman smiled at him and Sam had no idea what he was supposed to do. He decided to just sit there until the woman told him.

The woman calmly said, “Hello Samuel, my name is Judge Tran. I wanted to ask you a few questions about your mother, Mary. I know you are mute. I brought someone in to tell me what you’re saying so you don’t have to worry about that.”

Sam nodded and looked around. He saw a man sitting off to the side that he did not know. Normally Joseph translated for him for official things. Sam nodded and then as an afterthought he signed, “Yes, Ma’am. Thank you.”

Judge Tran smiled at him and praised, “You’re a very bright young man, Samuel.” She paused and asked, “How do you feel about your mother?”

Sam gave her a confused look. He wasn’t sure what the right answer to the question was. He carefully signed, “She paid Azazel to take me because I am bad.” Sam figured the truth was the simplest and best option.

The woman frowned and Sam ducked his head. He started to tremble slightly and Sam heard the woman walk out from behind her desk. Sam started to cry when she knelt down in front of him. He felt her lift his head up and she said gently, “You don’t have anything to be afraid of. No one is going to hurt you. Your mother wants to see you and your father wants to remove her parental rights. I want to make the best choice for you. So I need to understand, what she is to you. Does that sound okay?”

Sam nodded because he wasn’t quite able to keep his hands from shaking enough to sign anything.

Judge Tran nodded and spoke in a gentle tone. “Did your mother know you were with Mr. Masters?”

Sam nodded his head yes. He signed a little shakily, “I think so. Azazel said she did.”

The judge nodded and asked, “How would you feel about seeing your mother? Not alone but someplace where there will be a person to protect you. She won’t be able to hurt you and maybe you could start to repair your relationship with her.”

Sam bit his lip and signed, “Would my dad or uncle be there?” He felt safe around them and if he had to meet Mary, Sam wanted one of them with him.

Judge Tran frowned and said gently, “No Samuel. It would just be you, your brother and someone assigned by the court. Dean is also your soulmate from my understanding.”

He trembled slightly with the thought of having to see Mary. The idea of Dean being there wasn’t terribly comforting. Sam knew that Dean could either be possessive or not care. There wasn’t a lot of middle ground with Dean when Sam was scared. Sam decided to tell the judge the truth. He knew he was going to get beaten anyways. He signed, “I don’t want to know her. She hurt me. Mary is the person that gave me to Azazel. She caused me to get hurts and worse for years. I don’t want her to do that to me again.”

Judge Tran gave a sad smile and stood up. Sam flinched when she stood because he was expecting a slap, but no slap came. Instead she excused him.

++

John had Bobby take the boys home after they spoke with judge regarding his request to terminate parental rights and Mary’s request for visitation. The judge wanted to speak with the boys privately so she could hear their side of the story. John felt uneasy about this because he couldn’t tell Sam about it beforehand. He could get in trouble, if Judge Tran thought he coached Sam on what to say. John doubted Sam fully understood what was going on.

He watched the judge step in behind the bench. Then she calmly read her decision. “It is the decision of this court for the minors Samuel Winchester and Dean Winchester to remain in the custody of their father, John Winchester. John Winchester shall remain the sole custodial parent for both minors. I am denying Mary Campbell’s request for supervised visitation. Further, I am terminating Mary Campbell’s parental rights effective immediately.”

John was honestly expecting the boys be dragged to supervised visitation at least once, but this was good news. Judge Tran turned her attention to Mary, “Ms. Campbell, as a parent I am appalled by what you did to your own sons. Neither of them had anything positive to say about you. I’ve had a lot of families come through this court. I’ve seen some terrible parents and the children always wanted to stay with their parents, especially their mother. The fact that these two young men want nothing to do with you tells me, they do not view you as their mother. I honestly hope, they never view you as their mother.”

John said nothing because it wasn’t his place to talk. He glanced at Mary and saw that she was upset. John remembered how he used to comfort her when she got upset. He knew those days were in the past but he still couldn’t bring himself to hate her. She gave him two sons and despite her best efforts both of his sons were together.  

  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should probably point out that in Kansas, it is perfectly normal to go look for the tornado when the sirens go off. I used to ignore the sirens and go about what I was doing. 
> 
> We had a tornado a couple weeks ago where I live. I was sitting on the front porch with my dog watching the funnel clouds. My spouse is from the east coast and was panicking somewhere inside the house.


	28. Chapter 28

Sam was laying in the backyard at John’s house. He was watching the clouds pass in the sky. It amazed him how they could form into different shapes. Sometimes, he tried to imagine things in the clouds like faces or cars. He thought about Heaven sometimes and how people said it was above them in the sky. Sam wondered if he could still see the sky and clouds when he got to Heaven, if he went to Heaven. He knew that he was bad and he where bad people went. He didn’t like to think about that.

He knew that some of the things Azazel did to him made him bad. Azazel did things that made him impure and unworthy of Heaven or God’s forgiveness. Sam read that those who are faithful to their soulmate throughout their life and never lay with another were in held in the highest realm of Heaven. It was an area Sam knew he would never see and Dean would never see because of him.

Sometimes, Sam thought about the names Azazel and the others called him when he had to do those things. Some of those words have fell from Dean’s lips when Dean talked to him. Sam knew that Dean thought the same as Azazel. It made Sam sad to realize that. He knew he told Dean some of what Azazel did, but not all. He could never sign the words to express everything. His hands were always frozen in fear of rejection.

He heard someone walking on the grass near him and lay down on the grass near him, but Sam didn’t look to see who it was. There was probably a foot separating them. Sam heard Gabriel’s voice, “I always look for animal shapes in the clouds so I can tell Cas to look up and see the animal. It irritates Cas every time.”

Sam turned his head slightly and saw that Gabriel was looking up at the sky. The older boy had his hands resting behind his head. He looked relaxed. Sam wondered where Dean and Castiel were. Usually one or both of them were with Gabriel.

They were silent for a long time. Sam didn’t sign anything because he knew Gabriel wasn’t looking at him. Gabriel wouldn’t even know he was talking. It was faint when Sam heard it. It was an apology from Gabriel. He said, “I’m sorry.” Sam looked at Gabriel because he had no idea what Gabriel was sorry for.

Sam surveyed the scene and it did not appear he was hurt. Sam signed carefully, “I don’t understand.”

Gabriel frowned and looked at him. His voice was laced with sadness, “For everything that happened to you. I know you won’t talk about it, but I’m sorry that happened. You deserved better. When I look at you, I think that could have happened to Castiel. I would rather die a thousand times than let anything like that happen to Cas.”

Sam didn’t really understand but he understood the concept of death. He remembered begging inside his mind for death. It was just a pleading for this all to end. It never did end though. No matter how much he hurt and no matter what happened to him, Sam didn’t die. He signed, “It is hard to die.”

Gabriel looked at Sam sadly for a moment and then he returned his gaze toward the sky. He sounded thoughtful, “Sam, someday if you can tell your story, you could change the world. A lot of people could avoid getting hurt because you spoke up.”

Sam didn’t say anything to that. Instead, he just returned his gaze toward the sky. He had questions, but Sam didn’t feel safe enough to ask Gabriel questions.

++

Sam found out later that Castiel was in the house with John. He was helping John make sandwiches.  Peanut butter and jelly were Castiel’s favorite sandwich and Cas was showing John how to make them correctly. Sam thought that John probably knew how to make the sandwich but didn’t bother to correct Castiel. Sam wondered why that was.

He found out that the reason why they were making sandwiches was because they were going to the pool. John had rented one of the local pools for a couple hours in the evening. Sam had read about pools and he had seen them when John or Bobby drove him some place. He a little scared of having to get in the water.

John had bought Sam swim trunks. Sam had no idea why John bought him special clothes to go to the pool in. The fabric on the shorts felt different than the fabric on his other clothes. He put a t-shirt on because John said to do that. Sam felt better not walking around in only shorts. Sam knew people had a tendency to stare at his body. He knew they could tell he was bad just by looking at him. All of his scars spoke to how bad he was.

When they arrived at the pool, Sam stared at the water with trepidation. He wasn’t really sure about it. Sam watched Gabriel push Castiel into the water. Cas stood in the water so Sam figured it must not be that deep. He couldn’t figure out though why Castiel was laughing and lightly splashing water at Gabriel. He watched them play in the water. Sam noticed that neither of them had a lot of scars on their bodies. They each had a couple, but not a lot like him.

Sam felt Bobby’s hand on his shoulder. He turned his head slightly to look at the older man. Bobby said gruffly, “Dean will be here soon. He said he had to clean the locker room after practice. You should go get your feet wet. It is just like playing in the bath with your clothes on and the water is a little cooler.”

Sam gave Bobby a confused look. He signed carefully, “I have never taken a bath. I have only taken showers to clean myself.” There was a look of shock on Bobby’s face that caused Sam to look away in shame. There was so much about this world that he did not understand and everyone thought he should.

++

Dean was cursing to himself as he mopped the locker room floor. He was asked by the new coach to clean the locker room which he did not have time for. Today was supposed to be Sammy’s first time going to the pool. His dad rented it so there wouldn’t be that many people around since no one knew how Sam would react. If Dean had to guess, he would guess Sam’s reaction would be poor. He had a few guesses about what Azazel would do to Sam in a bathtub and none of them were good.

He could feel Sam and he knew his soulmate was already at the pool. Dean could feel Sam’s anxiety and interestingly Dean felt shame from Sam. At least, Sam wasn’t terrified. Dean counted that as a plus. He knew his dad was going to be pissed about him being late. Dean was grateful that he could only feel Sam’s life sucking and not everyone else’s life.

Dean finished as quickly as he could and on his way out of the locker room, he spotted the cheerleaders wrapping up their practice. Dean never knew cheerleading could be a year round thing, but somehow the cheerleaders managed to practice just about as much as the football team. Dean decided to attempt to ignore them. That was his best bet and if he had any luck Lisa wouldn’t spot him.

His hopes were dashed as soon as he found his way to his car. Lisa came up behind him and easily spun him around. She pushed Dean’s back against the car and leaned her body against Dean’s. Dean swallowed hard as he tried to think of a way out of this. He knew that being on the football team was contingent on being faithful to Sam.  

However, he was now facing temptation. Dean was a teenager and he had teenage hormones running through his veins. Still Dean knew that sooner or later he would have to start making better choices. He gently grabbed hold of Lisa’s shoulder and pushed her back. He was a little annoyed when he said, “Lisa, I can’t do this with you anymore. You know that. Not to mention, you creeped me out when you wanted to know what I do with Sam. How old is your soulmate now? Six or Seven? Do you lay in bed at night and think about him that way?” Dean knew he was being an ass but it was the best way he could think of to get her to leave him alone.

Lisa shoved Dean hard against his car and Dean didn’t do anything to retaliate. Instead, he unlocked the door and got in. Dean looked at Lisa briefly before he drove away. He knew that if Sam was never found out he would still be in a relationship with her. However, Dean was starting to realize that she was something of a crazy stalker.

++

Dean finally made his way over to the pool and Sam was standing near the edge of the water. His brother was staring at it. Dean wasn’t sure why exactly Sam was doing that. He could tell Sam was completely dry. His dad, Bobby, Gabriel, and Castiel had all been in the water. Gabriel and Castiel were still playing in the water and trying to encourage Sam to get in.

He stripped off his shirt so he was only wearing his swim trunks. Dean watched the lifeguard check him out and he stopped himself from winking at her. Dean wasn’t exactly sure where the line between being unfaithful and faithful was. He did not want to get kicked off the football team because he winked at a lifeguard in front of Sam.

Dean walked over to Sam and said calmly, “Hey Sammy. Come on, we are going to sit by the edge of the pool.” Much to Dean’s surprise Sam sat down next to him. His brother didn’t put his feet in the water like Dean did. Instead Sam pulled his legs up to his chest and wrapped his arms around his legs. Dean grinned and made little splashes in the water with his feet.

He waited Sam out and after about five minutes, Sam uncurled himself enough to touch the water with his fingertips. Dean really wanted to push his little brother in but he knew that would probably cause a panic attack. When Sam finally put his feet in the water, Dean felt fear from Sam but he felt that fear lessen as Sam wiggled his toes.

Dean slipped into the water and held out his hand. He smiled and said, “Come on Sammy, there is nothing to be afraid of.”

Dean watched Sam take off his shirt carefully. He could feel Sam’s shame intensify when he took off the shirt. Dean knew he should tell Sam he could leave it, but Dean didn’t know if that was the right thing to say or not. He knew he had a history of messing things up and making things worse for Sam.

Sam slipped into the water and he wrapped his arms around himself. Dean leaned back and floated on his back while Sam got used to it. Overtime, he watched as Sam started move around slightly in the water and move his hands under the water. Dean could feel Sam’s curiosity.

++

Sam had never felt anything like this before. The water was cool, but it wasn’t painfully cold. His body felt lighter in the water and his movements seemed slower. Sam wondered how this was fun but he didn’t ask. Sam could felt Dean was enjoying himself.

He had never seen Dean without a shirt on before and Sam noticed that Dean had a few bruises but he didn’t have any scars. Sam signed to his brother, “Why do you have bruises?”

Dean didn’t respond and Sam frowned. He started to take a step away from his brother when he heard Gabriel shout, “Dean, Sam asked you a question. He wants to know why you have bruises.”

Sam watched Dean look down at his body and shrug. He replied simply, “Football.” Dean closed his eyes after the comment, which Sam took to mean that Dean didn’t want to discuss it. Sam felt bad for wishing for Dean to be able to do something that caused him hurts. He knew this was just another example of how he was bad.

 


	29. Chapter 29

Garth kept everything in his apartment in a neat order. It was something he learnt in the mental hospital. He had to keep his things picked up. With Azazel he didn’t have things. With Azazel he wore what Azazel told him to wear. He read what Azazel told him to read. He did whatever Azazel wanted because if he did Winnie wouldn’t get hurt. If he did as he was told Garth hoped he could get enough food for Winnie and maybe some for himself.

It was never easy for Garth to have to explain to a toddler why they were hungry and there was nothing he could do about it. Garth tried to make the best of it. He tried to make Winnie smile but it was hard. Garth never tried to get Winnie to laugh. He didn’t want Azazel to hear that because he feared what Azazel might do.

He tried to teach Winnie important things. Garth taught Winnie not to ask for things, not to talk back, and to accept whatever Azazel did to him. He thought it was important for Winnie to know that if he didn’t fight back, it would hurt less and it would be over sooner.

He remembered when Winnie was two and threw a fit like two years do. Winnie was hungry and tired. Azazel wanted them to kneel while he had guests over. Winnie wanted nothing to do with it and it angered Azazel. Garth thought Azazel was going to kill Winnie. What happened was burned into his brain forever. Garth watched the child he loved more than anything get beaten with a coat hanger. Winnie looked at him while he was getting beaten. That was the day Winnie’s eyes lost their innocence and Winnie found out the world was a cruel place.

That was the day, Garth picked Winnie’s limp and bleeding body off the floor as he prayed for a pulse. He knew the merciful thing to do would be to make sure Winnie was dead. Death would spare Winnie so much suffering, but Garth couldn’t do it. He couldn’t hurt Winnie. Instead he wrapped Winnie in a blanket and carried Winnie to where Azazel said to put him. Azazel locked them away behind the false wall under the stairs with nothing more than an empty bucket and a bucket with water.

Garth didn’t like to think about how many more times Winnie ended up in that place, beaten, and bloody. He didn’t like to think about how after he left there was no one to take care of Winnie. There was no one to tell him it would all be okay or lie to him and tell him that someday they would be free.

Garth stopped organizing his things and his thoughts when he heard a knock on his door. He walked over and opened it. He saw Bessie. She was wearing a simple red dress with white dots. She looked pretty but Garth always thought she looked pretty. Garth couldn’t bring himself to smile at her though. This was the first time he had seen her outside of the mental hospital. They had only spoken on the phone. He said nervously, “Hello Bessie, are you here for your semi-annual visit?”

Bessie frowned and stated calmly. “I figured I should stop by. I know we have talked on the phone, but you seem angry with me. I was hoping that if we spoke in person, it might work somethings out. If you don’t mind? I know I didn’t call ahead.”

Garth opened the door and let her in. He watched her eyes scan the room. He wondered where Bessie was living and if she had a nicer place. Garth figured that she probably did. He closed the door behind Bessie and motioned for her to sit down on the sofa. He sat down on the chair because he didn’t want to get close to her.

Bessie didn’t sit. Her gaze focused on a photo Garth had on a book shelf and the framed drawings covering the wall next to the sofa. There were two reasons why Garth framed the drawings. He liked to look at them and it helped to buffer the noise from the other units. She asked in some amazement, “Did you draw these? They are really good.”

Garth shook his head no and he couldn’t get the nervousness out of his voice. He didn’t like Bessie being in his personal space like this. “No, Winnie drew those. He mails me one every week. They are of his garden at his uncle’s house.”

Bessie nodded her head in understanding without facing Garth. She had tears in her eyes when she turned around. Bessie sounded a little upset when she asked, “The boy in the photo with the older boy is that Winnie?”

Garth smiled. He liked Winnie. He was happy Winnie was alive and with his family. However, his voice was flat when he said, “Yes that is Winnie. In case you’re wondering his given name is Sam. That is the person you let get tortured for five years. I understand though, it was too much trouble for you to look up the name Dean Winchester to see if he was real and if his soulmate was missing. I only asked you to do that every single time we spoke.”

Bessie sighed and sat down on the sofa. Garth could hear the shame in her voice, “I’m sorry, Garth. I believed your parents when they said they checked. I thought you were a crazy drug addict. I know I should have taken your word. I could feel your honesty but I thought it was just delusions. I want you to be better. I want to be there for you. I want us to have children together someday. I want to be what I should have been to you all along.”

Garth frowned and stood up. He wiped his arm across his forehead and shook his head. He tried to hide how upset he was when he said, “We can never have a family together, Bessie. I was castrated so I don’t have sperm. I don’t even have a sex drive to want to have sex with you. I will never be that husband who wants to have sex or the husband that can give you a small army of kids. I can’t give you anything a husband should.”

Bessie cleared her throat and said, “Being a soulmate is more than physical, Garth. We can work around that. We can always adopt children someday.”

Garth shook his head and said quietly, “I don’t know if I can trust you enough to do that. I want to build my own life. I have not had a good life. I want to experience happiness. I want to be in Winnie’s life as much as his father will allow. I want to see Azazel and the others who did this to us put behind bars forever. I want whoever caused this to happen to me to pay. I lost 13 years of my life. I spent more time locked up than I have free. I was nine years old when they took me. I was a child and they took everything from me.” Garth wiped away his angry tears.

Bessie stood and reached out for Garth but she stopped herself short. She shook her head and said quietly, “I filed a report about what I knew about you at the police station today. My parents are the ones responsible for what happened to you. My family is wealthy and you were from a poor family. They wanted me to find someone better. They paid off your parents for silence. They told them that you were living a better life somewhere far away. When you were found, my parents paid your parents more money for silence.

“I didn’t know the extent of the abuse you suffered. I felt you inside of me but I just thought it was teenage angst and mental illness. I married you because I was obligated to. My parents begged me not to go through with it. They wanted me to date others while you were in the mental hospital. I didn’t and I paid for the best for you. I just didn’t realize you didn’t need the best mental hospital. You needed the love and support of your soulmate and I didn’t give you that.”

Garth walked into his kitchen and opened a can of soda. He needed something to drink because this conversation was getting too deep for him. He asked, “Did you know my parents were paid off all along?”

Bessie lowered her head in shame and said, “I found out about two years ago.”

++

Dean thought that fireworks would be a neat thing to show Sam. All boys liked to blow stuff up and Dean figured Sam would be no different. It was the weekend of the fourth and Uncle Bobby had some property outside of the city limits so they could shoot off some fireworks. John was opposed to doing this and forbid Dean from taking Sam to play with fireworks.

He ignored his father. Dean decided to start small. He got a box of firecrackers and he took Sam out to a vacant part of Bobby’s property. Dean hoped they wouldn’t get caught because he was going get chewed out and grounded if Sam freaked out. He was thinking it was about a fifty-fifty chance Sam would freak out. Dean was hoping Sam would be curious.

Dean opened the box of firecrackers and he took one off the string. He looked at Sam and his little brother looked pale. Dean could feel his fear. Still he thought he had to show Sam there was nothing to be afraid of. He lit the firecracker and held it up. Dean tried to lighten the mood by grinning at Sam and throwing the firecracker at his feet.

Sam jumped slightly when the firecracker popped and his fear increased. He was no longer looking around. Sam had lowered his head and was staring intently at the ground. Dean put the lighter down and walked over to Sam. He laughed as he gently grabbed hold of Sam’s arm.

He stopped laughing as soon as Sam flinched away from him and he caught sight of his tear stained face. Dean let go of Sam’s arm and said in a placating tone, “It’s okay, Sammy. I was just messing with you. I wanted to show you fireworks. It’s fun to light stuff on fire and watch it blow up.” Dean grinned.

Sam shook his head and signed, “I know that is what they said when they burned me. I’ve seen these things before. I have scars from where they blew up on my skin.”

Dean frowned and picked up the firecrackers. He put them in the back of his car. Then he leaned up against the hood and crossed his arms. He took in the sight of his soulmate. Sam hadn’t moved or lifted his head. Dean knew he screwed up and he should have listened to his dad. He processed in his mind what just happened then he stated, “Someone threw firecrackers on you and watched them blow up. Why would someone do that?”

Sam signed, “I’m bad.”

Dean shook his head and tried not to get annoyed. He knew he was feeling annoyed which Sam could feel and that was not helping this situation. Dean didn’t think the situation was salvageable. He was going to get grounded. Dean was guessed he would be grounded for a month and half. Two weeks for disobeying his father and another month for throwing a firecracker at Sam. It would also be the rest of his summer break. On top of that, Sam probably though he was trying to hurt him.

Dean took a calming breath and tried to convey his sincerity to Sam. “Sammy, you’re not bad. Please stop saying shit like that because it’s not true. It was bad of me to drag you out here and throw a firecracker at you to try to get you to loosen up. I didn’t know someone threw firecrackers at you to hurt you. I’m sorry. If anyone is bad in this situation it is me, not you.”

Sam nodded and looked up with him. He didn’t say anything but Dean could feel that Sam was uncertain.

++

John took his sons to the fairgrounds to watch the fireworks that evening. He was upset with Dean for taking Sam out to play with fireworks. He suspected that Sam would be frightened but Dean didn’t listen. John hadn’t decided what he going to do about Dean. On one hand, he was pleased that Dean made an effort to spend time with Sam. On the other hand, he scared Sam but it was unintentional and from the sounds of it Dean had one of his dreaded ‘chick flick moments.’

He decided to worry about that later. John leaned back on the grass with one of his sons on either side. The last time he got to experience this was when Sam was an infant. When the first firework went off, the noise made Sam flinch but John saw Sam relax as he gazed up at the sky. There was a look of wonder on Sam’s face.

John knew that even though Sam may have been exposed to firecrackers. His son had never been exposed to the beauty of a fireworks display. He asked Sam partway through, “What do you think, Sammy?”

Sam didn’t take his eyes off the sky as he signed, “It is amazing.”


	30. Chapter 30

Dean got grounded for the rest of the summer. It was expected so Dean wasn’t to upset about it. What he was upset about was losing custody of his car for the rest of the summer. His dad or uncle had to pick him up and take him to football practice every day. That was embarrassing and since he was grounded he couldn’t find someone to pick him up or walk.

On top of that, his dad and uncle decided that since he was grounded he could help organize the salvage yard. Organizing a junk yard seemed like the stupidest thing Dean had ever heard. However, he did it. Dean cleared out all the old tires that weren’t suitable to be resold and loaded them on a trailer to take to recycling. He moved the cars around until they were organized by manufacturer and model. It was a lot of work but the yard did look better once he was done.

Sam helped in the salvage yard a little bit, but Bobby wouldn’t let him do much. Dean noticed that Bobby tended to show Sam something so he could tinker with it. Sometimes Sam would seem interested and other times he would seem a little skittish. Most of the time while Dean worked in the yard, Sam was either staring at the sky or his garden. Sam’s garden actually did well. Dean ate a lot of zucchini because of that garden. He didn’t like zucchini but fried zucchini he could handle. Dean was happy when Sam gave some of the zucchini to Garth.

Bobby had helped Sam plant pumpkins for a late harvest in the garden after everything else was done. Dean wondered how Sam was going to take the cooler winter months when he couldn’t have a garden. He thought briefly about asking their dad if they could build a greenhouse, but Dean thought better of it. He could be forced to eat vegetables year round then.

Vegetables were not on the top of Dean’s concern list. Today was the first day of his senior year and by some miracle Sam had retested into ninth grade. He was the starting quarterback and his little brother was the mute freshman. This was going to go poorly. Dean knew there was a slim to none chance that Sam wouldn’t get bullied. The way Sam carried himself made him a target.

Dean had gone with Sam to get his schedule and he showed Sam where his classes were. He showed Sam how to work his locker and they graciously put Castiel’s locker below his. That helped set Dean’s mind at ease slightly, at the very least, Castiel could communicate a bully problem better than Sam. Not to mention, if anyone messed with Castiel, they would have to deal with the wrath of Gabriel. Dean knew he just had to isolate the bullies early on and make sure they know not to mess with Sam.

He was well aware that standing up for Sam would not make him any friends. In fact, Dean was pretty sure he didn’t have friends. The guys on the football team were just starting to talk to him again and that was a miracle. He did have to tolerate the gay jokes and the brother fucker jokes. Dean managed to ignore it or make light of most of it, but he didn’t know how Sam would handle that sort of joking.

The worst part was meeting all of Sam’s teachers with their dad. John and the principal, Ms. Harvelle, explained to all of the teachers that Sam was mute. The school district was required to pay for someone to translate for Sam. The sign language interpreter would only be in the classes Castiel wasn’t in which was two. Dean wondered what was going to happen when Castiel got sick. He was also well aware that Sam’s math teacher was a giant dick that liked to keep her classroom hotter than the gates of Hell.

All said, Dean wanted Sam to be home schooled. There were less assholes to deal with at home but John wanted Sam to be able to function socially. This was laughable to Dean because Sam cried about something nearly every day. Sam didn’t talk and he had no common sense. Dean had no idea what he was going to do with Sam once they were adults.

Dean walked Sam to his locker and gave his little brother an encouraging smile on the first day. He said proudly, “You’ll do great, Sammy. If you have any problems, you can ask for me or they can call Dad. I love you and I will see you at lunch.”

Sam nodded and stared at his schedule before looking back up at Dean. Dean could feel Sam’s uncertainty. He didn’t know how to fix that and he doubted there was a fix for that.

++

The school was loud and Sam didn’t like the sound of lockers slamming closed it scared him. He was trying not to flinch with the sound but it was hard. It was warm outside but cool inside the building. Sam wore a long sleeve shirt to cover up the scars on his arms. He didn’t want people staring at him. Sam knew he was a freak.

Sam was relieved that he made it to his first class unharmed. He took a seat in the back of the room. He figured it was safest back there. Sam sat a notebook and a pencil on his desk because he knew from talking to Dean that was what he was supposed to do.

Then another boy walked over to him and said with a thick southern drawl, “Well fresh meat, what is your name?”

Sam figured that this boy probably didn’t know sign language so he opened his notebook to write down his name for the man. The boy slammed his hand down on Sam’s notebook and it made Sam flinch away. The boy’s tone changed to a harsh one, “Are you ignoring me? Tell me your fucking name.” Sam started to shake and the boy grabbed hold of his arm. He spat, “Fine, don’t tell me who you are. I’ll just call you by the name of your soulmate.”

Sam didn’t fight the boy as he pulled up the sleeve on his shirt. He learnt a long time ago not to fight things like this. He felt the boy’s hand tighten painfully around his wrist. Sam knew it would bruise, but he had felt worse. He wondered if this was what school was like.

Sam heard Castiel’s voice from behind the boy. Castiel sounded pissed, “Benny, get away from him.”

Benny, the boy with the southern drawl, dropped Sam’s arm and snapped his head around to look at Castiel. He smirked and said slowly, “Fagstiel the brother fucker, it has been awhile. Now tell me why are you sticking up for the new kid that won’t tell me his name? Are you cheating on Gabriel or do you guys have a threesome going on?”

Sam watched Castiel’s eyes narrow on Benny. He had never heard a coldness in Castiel’s voice until that day, “You’re an idiot, Benny. Gabriel and I are friends with Sam. He happens to be mute which is why he didn’t answer you. Oh, you probably know his soulmate, Dean Winchester. I would think twice before messing with Sam and I can’t want to tell Gabriel about this little encounter I had with you today. Didn’t you cry the last time Gabriel had a _chat_ with you?”

 Benny huffed and pushed past Castiel. He took a seat on the other side of the classroom which Sam was grateful for. Castiel took a seat next to him and signed but didn’t speak. “Benny is an asshole. If he gives you anymore trouble let me or Gabriel know. We’ll take care of it if Dean won’t.”

Sam nodded but he was confused as to why Castiel wasn’t speaking when he talked to him. He signed carefully, “Thank you for helping me. I was afraid I was going to get a hurts.”

Castiel shrugged and signed back, “You’ll learn how to handle bullies. The school doesn’t do much about them. If you stand up to them, usually they will stop. Sometimes, it results in a fight but Gabriel has fought all my fights for me.”

Sam was surprised to hear Castiel say that he should stand up for himself. It was an odd concept. For as long as he could remember standing up from himself would only cause him more pain. Sam wondered briefly if he stood up to Azazel if things would have been different. He doubted it because Azazel was bigger and stronger than him.

Sam signed to ask Castiel a question. He was feeling more comfortable around Castiel these days. He felt like it was safe to ask Cas questions. “Why are you not speaking when you sign?”

Castiel smirked and signed, “No one knows what we’re saying.”

++

By lunch Sam was wondering if this was what school was like. It was loud. Most of the other students were hateful toward him. He understood though, he couldn’t talk which made him bad. The other students didn’t like that he couldn’t talk. Some of them teased him about it. Some of them thought he was being rude by not talking. The only times they stopped was when Castiel was around or the teacher was talking. Sam wasn’t sure why that was.

Castiel wasn’t in his class before lunch. Sam walked into the cafeteria with the other students and he was unsure of how this worked. He glanced around for Dean or Castiel but he didn’t spot either of them. Sam didn’t feel hungry. His stomach was in knots so he sat down in the corner of the lunchroom. He hoped he would be left alone.

His reprieve was short lived. Dean sat down next to him with a tray. His brother took a sandwich off the tray and sat it in front of Sam. He glanced at his brother and he could see Dean was worried. He could feel it too. Sam carefully unwrapped his sandwich and took a bite. Dean started to eat his food and they sat in a comfortable silence for a short time.

Once Sam finished his sandwich, Dean turned to him and asked with concern, “Are you okay to finish the rest of the day? I know you’re not doing so hot. I’m sorry, Dad and I didn’t explain the lunch line to you. I knew we were forgetting something. Did you get enough to eat?”

Sam shrugged and crumpled up the paper his sandwich was wrapped in. He didn’t understand why Dean, John, and Bobby always asked him if he had enough to eat. It was something he was getting used to but the concept of him being able to ask for more was odd to him. Sam knew he had to answer Dean, otherwise Dean would worry more. He signed, “People have been mean to me because I can’t talk. Castiel called one of them a bully.”

Sam shifted away from Dean when he felt anger from his soulmate. He was certain it was directed at him. Dean’s voice was cold when he said, “Names.”

Sam bit his lip and signed, “Benny, I think.”

++

Benny was a freshman on the football team. Dean debated about beating the life out of him on the football field but decided against it. He waited until they were in the locker room and changed into their street clothes. Then he walked up behind Benny and stated, “I heard you had a chat with Sam today. Would you mind explaining that to me? Because he had bruises on his wrist and he said you were bullying him.”

Benny was shorter than Dean by a couple inches but that didn’t stop him from grinning as he turned around. He drawled, “So that silent little abomination is yours? You’re worried about one little bruise when his arms are covered in scars? You must be a great soulmate for him to harm himself like that. It looked like he tried to burn your name off of his arm.”

Dean shoved Benny up against the lockers and rested his arm across Benny’s throat. He effectively cut off the air supply. Dean knew he sounded murderous when he spoke, “Sam is not an abomination. He never hurt himself. An asshole did that to him and that asshole will pay for what he did. Now, you are going to stay away from Sam and if I ever hear about you messing with him again, you’ll be dead.”

Dean let go of Benny with one final shove. As he walked to the exit of the locker room with everyone’s eyes on him. He heard Benny cough and reply, “Have fun fucking your brother, Deano.”

He closed his eyes and turned back around. Dean walked over to Benny and punched him across the face. The freshman tried to defend himself, but Dean was bigger and stronger. He easily grabbed Benny’s fist as he kneed Benny in the gut. Dean let Benny crumple and he delivered one more hit to the back that sent Benny to the ground. Dean gave Benny a hard kick in the gut for good measure and mocked, “I think you’re jealous that I know who my soulmate is and you don’t. Is that it Benny? Are you upset that I know my soulmate and you don’t? Or are you so pathetic you have to tease the mute kid?” Dean mused, “Maybe it is both, jealous and pathetic.”

 


	31. Chapter 31

Sam didn’t like school much. He liked learning, but being around other people his age was not fun. They were mean and loud. They lacked discipline. Some of the things they did made Sam wonder why they didn’t get a hurts. There was the student who put the paperclip in the power outlet in the science lab. It caused the classroom to go dark. There was the student who took things off the teacher’s desk. There were so many things to list. Sam didn’t understand.

He wondered about the students who drugged themselves. Sam didn’t understand why someone would want to drug themselves like that. Jessica said to stay away from them so Sam did. Even though, he was curious.

Sam noticed that some students delivered hurts. Castiel called these students bullies and advised him not to put up with them. Sam didn’t know how to stand up for himself or whatever it was Castiel wanted him to do. He just let the bullies do whatever they wanted to do and told Dean about it later. Sam didn’t understand why but Dean wanted to know the stories. The stories would always make Dean angry and the bully would have some bruises on their face the next day. Sam didn’t understand any of that.

His most hated class of the day had to be the hour that he spent in speech therapy. Sam was put in a small room with a frumpy looking middle aged man. The man, whose name Sam couldn’t remember, tried every day to get him to talk. It made Sam feel bad inside because the way the man talked to him. It made Sam think that he thought he was faking not being able to talk.

Sam was sitting in speech therapy again. The sign language interpreter was sitting next to the speech therapist. The therapist banged his hand on the table and it made Sam jump. He looked up at the man. The man said harshly, “Now that I have your attention, why don’t we try this again? Hum? Why don’t we try making a gurgling sound?” The man made the sound to demonstrate while Sam watched.

Sam didn’t try at first. He looked down at his hands. The speech therapist told him that he didn’t want him to use his hands to talk. He wanted him to use his voice. The man got angry when he spoke with his hands.  Finally, Sam tried to make the noise because he was afraid that if he didn’t start making noise soon he would get a hurts. No sound came out.

The man slammed his hand down on the table again and Sam thought the room just got smaller. The man seethed, “Listen to me, boy, and do as I say. Make the sound.”

Sam started shaking and he felt tears falling from his eyes. He flinched when he felt someone touch his shoulder. It took him a moment to realize it was his sign language interpreter, Steve. Steve signed, “Come on, Sam. You don’t need to be here. Let me take you some place safe.”

Sam stood and followed Steve out of the small room. Steve walked him to the office where Steve had Sam sit down in a chair. Steve gave him a couple tissues and then Sam heard Steve explaining the situation to Ms. Harvelle.

Steve’s voice was quiet but empathetic, “Sam needs something more. The other children are mean to him because he can’t talk. They don’t understand and someone should explain to them what it is to be mute. So they understand and they need to know it is not okay to bully him. He gets bullied every day and I have send the bullies on their way. On top of that Mr. Witshire doesn’t seem to grasp that Sam isn’t faking not being able to talk.”

Sam heard Ms. Harvelle sigh and he wasn’t sure what that meant. He wrapped his arms around himself and he let terror take hold. The office was cold and they were talking about him needing something else. It was never good when Azazel thought he needed something else. It usually meant a hurt. Sam wanted to go back to John’s house where it was safe.

++

Dean was sitting in science when he felt it. He grabbed hold of his chest because it hurt like Hell. Dean hadn’t felt this sort of fear from Sam in a long time. He had grown used to not feeling it after Sam got settled at home. It hurt worse than he remembered. Dean gasped in the pain he felt from Sam and he needed to know what was going on with Sam.

Mr. Turner crossed his arms at the front of the room and said with charisma, “Winchester, did you eat too many burritos at lunch? What is your problem?”

Dean closed his eyes and took a steadying breath. He gathered his books and said quickly, “Something is wrong. Something is wrong with my soulmate. I can feel it.”

Mr. Turner pointed back at his seat and stated firmly, “Mr. Winchester, sit yourself back down. We can’t have students running out every time their soulmate gets a little upset.” Mr. Turner gave Dean a stern look.

Dean was torn. He knew he should obey Mr. Turner, but he felt like he had to get to Sam. Something was not right. Dean thought about his decision to be a better soulmate. He realized that getting detention and possibly suspended maybe what it meant to be a better soulmate to Sam. He walked out of the classroom in search Sam.

The first place Dean checked was the classroom Sam was supposed to be in. He knew his little brother was supposed to be in speech therapy. Sam wasn’t there. Dean walked toward the office to see if Sam was there. He didn’t see Sam.

Dean decided just to ask and if he needed to he would call his dad. He walked up to the desk and asked a little shakily, “Is Sam Winchester around here somewhere? I am his brother and I think something might be wrong.”

The old lady behind the desk looked up and said, “He is in the nurse’s office. They put him in there to calm down.”

Dean felt like he might explode. He rushed over to the nurse’s office. The door was closed and when he opened it, Dean saw that the lights were off. It was a windowless room and Dean knew this was a trigger for Sam. He turned on the light and the fear leaked through his voice, “Sammy?”

He scanned the room and he found Sam between the trashcan and the wall. Sam was shaking and crying. Dean knew he wasn’t all there. He heard the bell ring to signal another change in class. The bell caused Sam to flinch. Dean knew he would have to wait a few minutes for the halls to clear before he took Sam out of here.

Dean knelt down on the floor near Sam and said gently, “Sammy, it’s okay. I am here and everything is going to be okay. You’re safe and I’m not going to let anyone hurt you.”

Sam looked up at him which Dean was not expecting. His brother just looked so broken. Dean didn’t know how to make it better. He knew last year, he wouldn’t have cared but now it just hurt to see Sam like this. Sam signed, “I told you I am bad.”

Dean closed his eyes. He shook his head and tried to get it out of his head how much it annoyed him that Sam thought about himself like that. He opened his eyes and he moved the trashcan out of the way. He sat down next to Sam and asked, “Can I hold you?” Dean knew that getting Sam’s consent was important, even if Sam didn’t really understand he could say no.

Sam nodded in agreement and Dean wrapped his arms around Sam. He tucked his little brother’s head safely under his chin. Dean felt Sam start silently sobbing again and he just rubbed circles in Sam’s back until he calmed down. After a few minutes, Dean felt Sam playing with the fabric on his shirt and he could feel that Sam wasn’t as scared.

Ms. Harvelle walked in the nurse’s office and said in her no nonsense tone, “Dean, you skipped class to come cuddle with your soulmate?”

Dean glared at her and said hatefully, “Call my father, you put Sam in here to get him to calm down and it caused him to get more upset. I felt it so I came because that is what a soulmate is supposed to do. So yes, I skipped class to take care of my soulmate. Why was he upset in the first place?”

Ms. Harvelle crossed her arms and said with equal force, “I really can’t discuss that with you, Dean. I know you need to get back to class and we can take care of Sam.”

Dean took a deep breath as he felt Sam’s grip on him tighten. He looked down at Sam and he realized Sam was relying in him. Dean shook his head no and stated, “No, call my dad like I asked. I am not leaving Sam unless my dad is physically here.”

++

John was not amused when he got a phone call from the school about the boys. It was a little sketchy on what happened. He knew Sam got upset in one of his classes and they had him lay down in the nurse’s office to calm down. Somehow, Dean found out and skipped class to hold Sam in the nurse’s office. It didn’t make sense. Sam getting upset sounded normal, but Dean skipping class to be with Sam did not sound normal. There was something else going on that they weren’t telling him.

He went up to school figure out firsthand what was going on. It only took him ten minutes to get there. When he arrived he was greeted by Ms. Harvelle, “Mr. Winchester, your sons are in the nurse’s office. I would like Dean to go back to class and I will consider only giving him detention for a two weeks rather than suspending him.”

John shot her a look but said nothing. He let her lead him to the nurse’s office. He had never been in here before because Dean didn’t get sick at school. He glanced around the room and knew immediately what the problem was. He locked eyes with Dean who had a secure hold on his little brother. John walked over and knelt down in front of his sons.

He was mad at the school, but he put on gentle voice for Sam’s sake. “Hey Sammy, Dean is going to take you to Uncle Bobby’s house while I talk to Ms. Harvelle. Then when I get there we can go for a walk outside. How does that sound?”

Sam nodded his head against Dean’s chest and he gave Dean a signal to get up. He watched as Dean pulled them both their feet. Dean started to walk out of the nurse’s office with an arm around Sam and turned to John. He asked a little nervously, “What do you want me to come back to school after I get Sam to Uncle Bobby’s house?”

John gave a small smile and said calmly, “No, you’re done for the day. I will pick up any homework for you and Sam.” He paused and added, “You’re not in trouble, Dean. I am proud of you.” It was true he was proud of his son, both of his sons.

++

The meeting with Ms. Harvelle helped set somethings straight or at least John hoped so. When he met with Ms. Harvelle prior to Sam starting school, he had told her about the abuse Sam had suffered. He didn’t tell her anything in detail because he thought Sam deserved that privacy. Even though John knew that when everything went to trial Sam would have very little privacy in the matter.

He explained to her why Sam was mute in detail so this situation wouldn’t happen again. He explained that he had already taken Sam to a specialist that advised it was unlikely Sam would ever be able to speak. John ended Sam’s speech therapy classes. He originally went along with it because he thought it might help Sam’s communication skills. Clearly, it was doing more harm than good.

John found out Sam had been having trouble with bullies and Ms. Harvelle assured him that they would take care of it. John made a mental note to talk with Dean about the bully issue to see if he knew anything about it. He thought about asking Castiel but he didn’t want to put Sam’s friend on the spot.

Ms. Harvelle did offer to put some feelers out to see if she could use her connections to find a therapist willing to work with Sam. John explained he had tried to find someone for Sam but no one who knew sign language was willing to take him as a patient due to the extent of the abuse he suffered.  

John also made sure Dean did not get in trouble for leaving class. This was the first instance of Dean actually seeking Sam out when he felt Sam was hurting. John didn’t want Dean to think it was wrong of him to try to help Sam. He needed Dean to be there for Sam. He was well aware of the fact that Sam had a tendency to think of Dean first. He hoped one day it could be mutual.

John was currently walking around a park with Sam. Dean was at football practice. John asked Sam, “How do you feel about school?”

Sam shrugged and signed, “They know I am bad. They locked me away like Azazel did when I was bad. I don’t want to go back there. I don’t understand why Dean chose to be locked away with me. Thank you for saving me.”

John stopped walking and faced Sam. He wasn’t sure what he was going to say exactly. Life was hard and John imagined it would be even harder for Sam. He wondered if sending Sam to high school was making it worse for Sam. He asked carefully, “Sammy, I am sorry that happened. That should have never happened. You’re not bad. They didn’t put you there because you’re bad. You’re good and a great son. Dean loves you and I love you. I am glad Dean was there to comfort you.”

  


	32. Chapter 32

Ms. Harvelle delivered on finding Sam a therapist. John and Sam were going to meet with him today. John didn’t recall seeing sign language on this therapist’s credentials. However, he did know that this therapist specialized in adult abuse victims and did not take children. John wondered why the therapist was willing to work with Sam.

The office was an older house on the outskirts of town. There was a sign on the door which read _“Dr. Badass.”_ John wasn’t sure what to make of that but decided to give the guy a chance. He knocked on the door and was greeted a few minutes later by a man in his late twenties with a mullet. He wore a plaid shirt with the sleeves cut off and in his hand he held a can of root beer.

The man looked a little tired and focused his attention on Sam. He sat down his soda behind the door and signed as he spoke with enthusiasm, “You must be Sam. It is nice to meet you. My name is Ash.” Ash held out his hand for Sam to shake.

John watched Sam to see what he would do. Sam’s eyes darted from Ash, to Ash’s hand, and over to him. He realized Sam didn’t know what to do and was probably uncertain. John regretted not bringing Dean along, but he didn’t want Dean to miss school. Dean was excited about the pep rally today and John didn’t want to force Dean to miss it because of Sam’s therapy appointment.

Slowly Ash pulled his hand away and signed as he spoke in the same upbeat voice, “No worries little fella, we’ll get there. Do you want to come inside with your dad or do you want to sit down on the porch to talk?”

Sam took a step back from Ash and grabbed hold of John’s hand. John gave Sam a small smile and said calmly, “Sammy, we talked about Ash. He isn’t going to hurt you. Do you want to go inside or do you want to sit down out here? It is your call.”

Sam looked afraid but he took his hand away from John’s hand. He signed carefully, “I don’t know.”

Ash smiled and stepped outside. He retrieved his soda and took a drink. John watched Ash plop down in one of the chairs and said casually, “How about we stay out here until the boss say otherwise?” Ash leaned forward toward Sam and stated, “You’re the boss, Sam.”

Sam sat down next to John on the bench. Ash was sitting across from him. He knew Ash was a therapist and Ash was supposed to help him work through somethings. Sam didn’t understand what that meant. He wondered if that meant Ash would be deciding when to give him hurts. Sam figured that must be what it was. Sometimes, Azazel’s friends decided that he needed a hurts.

Ash smiled at him brightly and said, “Let me tell you about myself. I work with trauma victims. I see soldiers and domestic abuse victims. I don’t normally work with kids. However, Ms. Harvelle, the principal at the high school, is my step-mother. She contacted me about Sam.

“I started doing therapy about three years ago. I have a doctorate in social work and computer science. I graduated high school when I was fourteen so I got an early start on things. My goal with the two majors is to develop a human like robot. I am still working on that and I do therapy to pay the bills. I also do it to help people. I want to help you, Sam, if you’ll let me.”

Sam wasn’t really sure what he was supposed to say to that or if he was supposed to say anything. He heard John speak. He sounded cautious, “When did you learn sign language?”

Ash smiled and stated, “I used to like to listen to rock music really loud. My mother told me I was going to blow out my hearing, so I learnt sign language just in case that happened. I still haven’t lost my hearing but I gained a useful skill. I can talk to the boss.”

Sam thought Ash was a little odd but he didn’t voice that. He decided to look down at the ground because it was quieter there and safer. He wasn’t on the ground yet or inside so he knew his impeding hurts must not be that bad. Sam wanted to go back home to John’s house where everything was safe.

++

A few weeks past and Sam had been going to see Ash a couple times a week. John pulled him out of public school and Sam was being home schooled again. Sam was glad not to have to go to that place anymore. It scared him. Mr. Wyatt was coming to John’s house three times a week to go over his school work with him. Sam liked Mr. Wyatt, even though he had to write things down to talk to him.

Sam was at Ash’s office and John wasn’t with him. He was okay with John not being there once he figured out that Ash was telling the truth. Ash wasn’t going to hurt him. They were sitting on the floor playing chess and eating candy. Ash liked to ask him questions while they played but that was okay with Sam. He never pushed if he didn’t want to answer.

Ash moved a pawn on the chessboard and asked, “Did you ever have candy when you were in that place?” Sam noticed that Ash never called it Azazel’s house or that shithole like Dean did. Azazel’s home was that place. It meant the bad place. The place of Sam’s nightmares.

Sam studied the chessboard for a few moments as the thought about his answer. He signed, “Yes, Zachariah would give me chocolates after he was done hurting me. He said it was a reward for behaving while he did things to me.” Sam moved his knight and took one of Ash’s pawns off the board. Sam didn’t like having to think about these things but sometimes he felt better after talking to Ash about it. Other times, Sam just curled up under his desk when he got back to John’s house and went to sleep.

Ash moved his queen to a spot across the board. Sam recognized the move and he knew how to stop Ash. His therapist asked, “How did that make you feel?”

Sam frowned and moved his bishop to take Ash’s queen. He sat the bishop down on the floor next to him. He signed carefully, “Confused, I thought I was getting a hurts because I was bad. Then he gave me candy for doing what he wanted. I didn’t understand getting a reward for being bad. I didn’t want a reward for being bad. I wanted to know how to be good.”

Ash stayed silent for a moment as he moved another pawn. Sam wasn’t sure what he was trying to accomplish with that move. Ash asked, “Do you still think they did those things to you because you’re bad or do you think there is some other reason? I think there is another reason.”

Sam studied the chessboard again. He didn’t see any good moves. He moved one of pawns just to pass his turn. Sam wasn’t sure how to answer Ash’s question. He signed, “I am not sure. I know they hurt me so I would know I am bad. They would tell me that. They would say that I had to suffer. Sometimes I miss them because they were all I ever knew. Things are so different now.”

Ash moved his rook a few spaces and Sam knew he could probably get Ash’s rook in his next move. Ash said carefully, “I don’t think you were ever bad and I don’t think you deserved to suffer for anything. But you know I think that. How are things now?”

Sam shrugged and moved his rook to take Ash’s rook. He signed, “Okay, I am not as afraid since I don’t have to go to school like other people my age. Mr. Wyatt comes to John’s house to help me with my schoolwork. I think John was disappointed that I am so bad I couldn’t make it in high school. I think he is starting to understand that Azazel is right and I am bad.”

Ash shrugged and moved his king a space. He stated calmly, “I don’t think your dad thinks that about you. He’s told me that he thinks you’re very strong and brave. I also know for a fact he thinks you’re good. Besides, you’re still hanging out with Castiel and Jessica. I also know that you are going to Dean’s football games. You’re still around people your age.”

Sam moved his queen and took out Ash’s king. He smiled because he won the game. Sam didn’t always win but he usually did. Ash wasn’t very good at chess. Sam signed, “I am helping Jessica’s youth group at her church this weekend. We are folding shirts for families in need. I don’t understand it, but John thinks it would be good and Jessica is excited about me going. I want to try to be good.”

Ash smiled and said, “I think it is awesome that you are going out and helping others. It’s not good people who do that. Great people do that. You were a good person before you started doing that. How are things with Dean? You haven’t mentioned him today.”

Sam started to help Ash pick up the game as he thought about Dean. He hadn’t been spending that much time with Dean lately. He signed, “Dean slept in my room last night. He tried to get me to sleep on the bed with him, but that scared me. I thought he might want to touch me like they did and I don’t want that. I know Dean has been spending time with Lisa. I can feel it when he is with her. He is happiest with her. I think she lets him touch her and sometimes, I wish Dean would just make me do that like Azazel did. It may scare me but it would make Dean happy.”

 Sam felt comfortable telling Ash these things because he knew Ash wouldn’t tell anyone and Ash wouldn’t judge him.

++

Dean was in the janitor’s closet at school with Lisa. His lips were locked to hers and his hands were roaming all over her body. They had come to an agreement. No talking about Sam and no talking about Adam. No one was to know about this either. He felt good and it felt nice to do this again.

Dean felt Lisa unzip his pants and drop to her knees. He leaned up against the racks in the closet and closed his eyes. He felt her start to lick and suck on his cock. It felt amazing. He moaned and ran a hand through her hair. He wondered if it would feel this nice with Sam.

The thought of Sam made him pull back. He found over the past couple weeks if he thought about Sam to deeply it caused problems. In this case, it was he was no longer interested in Lisa’s actions. He wanted Sam which was just wrong. On top of that, he could sometimes see what Sam saw or least what he thought Sam was seeing. He shook his head and as he squeezed his eyes shut.

This was one of his lucky times when he saw what Sam saw. He could see a guy with a mullet that looked like an eighties reject talking to Sam. Dean could hear Sam’s voice inside his head. The one he heard from Sam when he dream rooted Sam’s head. Dean heard, _“I know Dean has been spending time with Lisa… I think she lets him touch her and sometimes…Make Dean happy.”_

Dean pulled Lisa off of him as dread filled him. If this whole freaky vision thing was true, Sam knew. Sam sounded sad and his words didn’t make sense. Dean didn’t know if Sam was okay with him doing this or not. He didn’t know how to address the vision thing with Sam.

+

After the weird vision, Dean used study hall for something useful. He went to the library to look up soulmate connections. He found that in rare instances one soulmate can see what the other one was doing. However, it was controlled by the strength of their bond and the stronger of the two soulmates. Dean stared at the text for fifteen minutes while he tried to figure out who was stronger him or Sam.

Dean knew he didn’t want Sam to see what he did. That would be terrible on a number of levels and not just because he wasn’t faithful. He knew he was physically stronger than Sam. He had more knowledge than Sam. He thought he might be mentally stronger than Sam. He sighed because he was the one doing this.

He read more in the book and he found out that the strongest would exhibit bruising and/or bleeding when the weakest was hurt or injured. Dean knew that he never bled or got a bruise when Sam got hurt and Sam had been injured a lot in his life. He read a little more and found out that the bleeding and bruising happened when the stronger soulmate absorbed the weaker soulmate’s physical pain. Dean closed the book before he read about the soulmate experiments in Nazi concentration camps during WWII.

Dean had no idea how he caused this to happen now. But he did know he would have to get a grasp on his brain and his connection with Sam. He didn’t want to overshare with his traumatized little brother. 


	33. Chapter 33

Sam folded the shirts quietly outside for the church group. Most of the others were inside some sort of large room with no windows. It was a gym or a warehouse. Sam wasn’t really sure. All he knew was he didn’t want to be in there. It felt nice to be outside in the cool autumn air.  He could hear the faint voices from people inside the building but he could also hear the wind blowing in the leaves.

He had never heard so many different sounds until he was free. It was just him, Jessica, and another adult he didn’t know outside. Bobby was there but he had left to go to the bathroom and promised he would be back soon. Dean was at football practice and John was at his shop. Sam wasn’t sure what exactly John did at the shop. He heard John tell people what to do sometimes and other times Sam watched John do a similar task himself. Sam didn’t understand why John didn’t just do it himself.

Sam focused on folding the shirts. He knew they wanted the size tag facing outward. It still confused Sam that clothes had different sizes. He didn’t remember seeing tags on what Azazel dressed him in before he was freed. He never knew that children’s clothing had cartoon characters on them and little boys looked up to superheroes. Sam suspected girls looked up to superheroes too, but no one ever really said that. He wasn’t sure who his favorite superhero was, none of them were realistic to him.

He looked up when Lisa and Meg sat down across from him on the grass. Sam started to shake and lowered his head. He glanced back and saw that the other adult was gone. He didn’t know where she went. Sam sat his hands in his lap and waited for the hurts to start.

It was Jessica who spoke first. Her voice was cheerful and Sam guessed that she didn’t know Meg didn’t like talking. He hoped Meg wouldn’t hurt her. “Hi! I am Jessica and this is Sam. Are you volunteering today too?”

Sam knew Meg shook her head no at that, even though he didn’t look up. Her voice was smug, like he remembered but he never remembered it sounding so evil. “No, not so much.” Sam had always thought Meg was the nice one, but now he knew what nice was and that wasn’t Meg.

Jessica asked with kindness, “Are you in need? We can help you.” Sam wasn’t sure why she didn’t view Meg as dangerous or a threat. He wanted to warn her but he couldn’t get his hands to move.

Meg leaned forward and grabbed hold of Sam’s arm. He didn’t fight her as her grip tightened on his arm and her nails dug into his skin. He knew it was pointless to fight. She whispered in his ear, “Lisa is fucking your soulmate. He hates you just like I always said he would. You’re in the way, Boy. You know how to get out of the way. End your life and free your soulmate from your filth.”

Jessica was only thirteen and even though she had already hit her growth spurt she was still smaller and weaker than Meg. That didn’t stop Jessica from attempting to shove Meg away from Sam. She failed and got pulled away by a laughing Lisa, who tossed her to the ground. When Jessica hit the ground she kicked Lisa in the kneecap and brought Lisa down with her. The two rolled around on the grass and fought. It was mostly hair pulling and scratches.

The fight didn’t last long before adults were separating them. Sam was pulled away from Meg by Bobby. He let Bobby wrap his arms around him and hold him close to his chest. Normally, Sam didn’t like this closeness. However he wanted to get the feel of Meg off of him. It made him feel dirty and unwanted like he was nothing more than a burden.

He looked over at Jessica. Her mother was inspecting her for injuries. Sam had never seen Jessica angry but she was practically pulsing with anger. He had seen that stance from Azazel and Meg plenty of times. Jessica sounded just as angry when she spoke, “That bitch told Sam to kill himself because Dean is cheating on him with some chick named Lisa.”

Jessica’s mom scolded, “Jessica do not use that kind of language. A wrong does not make it right for you to belittle her. Do not lower yourself to her level.” Sam found that piece of motherly advice interesting. It made him wonder if maybe Meg and Azazel were bad like him and maybe they were worse than him. Sam didn’t know. His mind blanked out when he heard the police sirens.

++

Dean arrived home from football practice to an empty house which was odd. He was expecting Sam and his dad to be home. He had an ache in his chest from Sam for the last half of football practice. He knew Bobby was supposed to come over for dinner. Bobby was going to show Sam how to make a quick chili that evening. Dean liked the slow crockpot chili better, but he knew the quick chili was more hands on and Bobby was trying to spend time with Sam. Bobby did the same thing for him.

He showered and lounged around the house for bit before he decided to go searching for everyone. First Dean headed over to salvage yard but he found it closed. He knocked on Bobby’s door but didn’t an answer. He let himself in with his key and poked around for a bit. Dean didn’t find anything except it looked like his uncle was building a tornado shelter in the basement out of iron. He thought that was a little weird.

Next Dean went to the repair shop his dad owned. He found Mike, one of the employees, under the hood of a car. He cleared his throat and asked, “Hey Mike, have you seen my dad or Bobby around?”

Mike looked up and wiped some grime across his face. Dean grimaced but didn’t say anything about the smudge on the man’s face. Mike wiped off his hands as he spoke. The man clearly didn’t know much, “I am not sure. He left here pretty quickly, something about Sam getting assaulted. That poor kid just can’t catch a break but at least you’re good to him right?”

Dean nodded slowly as he said carefully, “Umm yeah.” He was still trying to figure out how Sam could get assaulted when Bobby was with him but he didn’t ask. Dean did wonder if he was a good soulmate and brother. He thought he did okay considering.

Mike shook his head and spoke sadly, “My sister’s soulmate was a POW back in Vietnam. The things they did that man.” Mike shook his head again and continued. “He was so shattered when he came back home. My sister thought he died and started seeing someone else while he was a POW. She saw that other man for years. His kids called the other man dad and they called him by his first name. I told my sister to break it off with the other man and that her soulmate needs her. Of course, she didn’t listen.” Mike closed his eyes and sounded distraught, “They found him hanging from a tree at Soulmate’s Park downtown. It was the tree that he and my sister planted as children. His suicide note said that he wanted her to make her happy.”

Dean was speechless and he murmured out, “Damn, that’s rough.” He didn’t really know what else to say to that.

Mike opened his eyes and they looked a little glassy. He smiled softly, “Sammy reminds me of my soulmate-in-law. Don’t treat Sammy wrong, Dean. I’ve seen the way he looks at you. He would die for you, even if that meant taking his own life. He loves you that much.”

Dean seriously doubted Sam knew what love was. The kid lived his life locked in basement surrounded by pedophiles and sadists. Dean was fairly certain Sam’s idea of love was getting something to eat, a warm shower, and blanket.

Dean called his dad's cellphone and it rolled straight to voicemail. He decided to head home and wait for them to get there. He hoped that someone would come get him if Sam was in the hospital.

++

John got home with Sam after a visit to the hospital just to make sure Sam was okay. He knew Sam was but it was just formalities. The formalities was a stressful experience for Sam and Sam’s heart started beating so fast out of fear that they had to give him a sedative. John knew Sam didn’t react well to being drugged but he didn’t have much of choice. He wanted to do everything he could to keep Lisa and Meg away from Sam.

Sam was still a little groggy when they arrived home and John was worried because Sam hadn’t signed anything since the attack. The only injury was some bruising and broken skin on Sam’s arm where Meg grabbed him. It was still enough to file an assault charge. He filed for an emergency restraining order against Meg. John didn’t have enough to get one on Lisa. With Sam’s history with Meg and the assault the reasoning was pretty clear cut.

Dean was sleeping on the sofa when he arrived home. John kept a hand on Sam’s shoulder in case Sam got a little wobbly on his feet from the drugs. John helped Sam to his bedroom. He watched in silence as Sam dropped down to the ground and retreated to under his desk. Sam eyed John with what John could only describe as suspicion.

John wandered out into the living room and shook Dean awake. His eldest looked at him with worry as John leaned on the side of the chair to talk to Dean. He sighed and carefully, “Meg and Lisa threatened Sammy today. Meg left some bruises on Sam. Your brother isn’t talking and they had to give him a sedative at the hospital to calm down. Dean, Jessica said that Meg told Sam to kill himself to make you happy.”

Dean shot up with that statement. His son adamantly said, “What? No, I don’t want that. Jesus, I don’t want Sam to die.”

John knew Dean was at least being sincere about that. He ran his hands over his face and stated, “Sam needs to hear that from you, obviously.  And Dean, I don’t want you associating with Lisa or any of her friends. Lisa is trying to hurt Sam because she wants a relationship with you. Sam is stopping her from getting what she wants from you. Meg is an easy ally because she tortured your brother since she was a child. Don’t let Sammy think for a minute that people like Meg are more important to you than him. I know it is hard and I know you’ve already given up a lot of your friends for Sam’s sake. But Dean, if you associate with the people that hurt him. He is going to view you as one of them.”

++

Dean sat against the wall opposite Sam in Sam’s room. Sam hadn’t given him permission to be there and Sam hadn’t asked him to leave. His brother just laid curled up on the floor with glassy look in his eyes and the fear Dean felt from Sam when this whole thing started was still strong inside of him. Dean could feel something else though, he could feel despair.

He had no idea how to fix that and he knew this whole thing was his fault. Dean was well aware that he caused this. He knew he should have stayed away from Lisa and he knew he knew he should have never tried anything even when Sam was missing. Dean knew that he turned his back on his soulmate for high school popularity and an easy lay. He wasn’t very proud of himself at the moment and he knew Sam could feel his guilt.

Dean wished Sam would sign something, anything but he knew Sam wouldn’t. Sam was afraid. Sam’s words from the vision the other day ran through Dean’s mind. Sam wanted to make him happy. Dean leaned his head against the wall and spoke. His voice sounded more upset than he intended, “Don’t ever leave me, Sammy. I promise I am going to do everything I can to show you that I need you and love you. I am sorry about what happened today with Lisa and Meg. I won’t let them hurt you again. I promise.”

He wondered why he didn’t have a weird vision of what happened today. He wondered why he didn’t bruise or bleed when Sam so clearly got hurt. It made Dean wonder if their bond wasn’t as strong as the books implied or maybe it was he didn’t let his mind wander to Sam during football practice. 


	34. Chapter 34

Dean couldn’t bring himself to talk to anyone at school. He went through the motions. He went to class, did his homework, and went to practice but his heart wasn’t really in it. His mind kept wandering back to Sam and all the things he had done to hurt his soulmate. Dean knew his mother started the path of hurting Sam and he selfishly continued it. He could barely look at himself in the mirror these days. Dean was lost in his own guilt and shame.

He was sitting in the cafeteria by himself. Dean didn’t have to risk talking to any of Lisa’s friends if he kept to himself. He just wanted to get through his senior year so he could go off to college somewhere. Dean sort of wanted to go to college some place far away from here and take Sam with him. It would be a fresh start for both of them and hopefully Sam wouldn’t run into people that hurt him anymore.

Dean was picking at the mystery food on his lunch tray when someone else sat down in front of him. He bit back a groan because he didn’t want to appear rude. Dean looked up and saw Gabriel sitting across from him. He relaxed slightly because at least Gabriel was a safe person to talk to. Gabriel was definitely not on the asshole list that Dean created.

Gabriel grinned at Dean and said playfully, “Hello Anti-social, how are you today?”

Dean rolled his eyes and pushed his food tray out of the way. He stated calmly or as calmly as he could, “What do you want Gabriel?” Talking to Gabriel was messing with Dean’s goal of avoiding everyone.

Gabriel shrugged and said casually, “Since you asked so nicely, we’re concerned about you. You’re not talking to anyone. You don’t participate in any of the functions anymore. What are you doing over here by yourself anyways?”

Dean ran his hands over his face and sighed, “Gabe, I really just want to go through my senior year in peace. That is really all I want. I am sorry I am not the social butterfly everyone wants me to be. I can’t be that person anymore. I hurt Sam trying to be cool. He didn’t sign anything for three days after Meg assaulted him and Lisa was laughing while it happened.”

Gabe nodded and held Dean’s gaze. He frowned slightly and said, “Castiel told me about that. Jessica told him and then he made a point to spend extra time with Sam. He’s a good little runt. Anyways, Cas said that Sam seems to be doing fine.” He paused and asked, “Why does it look like you haven’t been sleeping?”

Dean closed his eyes and he knew he had dark circles under his eyes. He couldn’t sleep well at night. Dean looked anywhere but Gabriel for a moment. Then he said, “Sam wouldn’t go to sleep unless we were in his room with the door closed and I had to lay down on the floor by him. It is not comfortable sleeping on the floor, but Sam sleeps soundly.”

Gabriel gave Dean a confused look and stated slowly, “You are sleeping on the floor with Sam. Why don’t you ask your dad for a bigger bed? Michael lets Castiel and I share a bed so long as we don’t do any funny business. We’ve pretty much always shared a bed. Castiel would get these nightmares when he was little about angels kidnapping me to blow a horn. If we cuddled together at night, he wouldn’t have nightmares.”

Dean frowned and shook his head. Castiel was weird in Dean’s opinion. He pinched the bridge of his nose and said in defeat, “Sam thinks he is going to get raped if he sleeps on a bed even if he is in bed by himself. He thinks someone is going to come in and rape him. How messed up is that?” Dean shook his head. “I have a few guesses on why he might think that and they all involve that actually happening. Anyways, he sleeps under his desk. He likes small places where he can still see out.”

Gabriel sighed and said, “That’s rough. Have you tried getting those bed mats for camping and putting them on the floor? Or a shit ton of pillows?”

Dean shrugged and said slowly, “There really isn’t room under Sam’s desk to put a bed roll like that. I guess I could cut one to fit but I don’t know if Sam would like that or understand I wasn’t invading his hiding spot. Anyways, I have a question for you.” Dean realized that Gabriel might be able to give some insight on the whole vision thing.

Gabriel pulled a candy bar out of his jacket pocket and started eating. He raised an eyebrow at Dean and said, “Shoot.”

Dean thought about how he wanted to word this. He wasn’t sure how to ask this without looking insane. He asked, “Have you ever had visions of what Castiel was doing?”

Gabriel about choked on his candy bar and Dean knew he did not word that question well. His friend took a drink of Dean’s milk and then he answered the question. “No, but Castiel has. It.. It happens when I worry too much about him. Castiel sees what I am thinking. He thinks it is sweet or something. I don’t know. One time, Castiel was so stressed about a math test I got a nose bleed and a migraine. It is part of our bond, I guess. Michael said that I would only see what Castiel sees if he was in danger or injured. I hope that never happens.”

Dean nodded and stated, “Because you’re the stronger one?” This was not looking good. If Gabriel and Michael’s assessment of the bond was that Gabriel was the stronger one, not Castiel that met Sam would be the stronger one between them, which was impossible. There was no way, Sam was stronger than him.

Gabriel rolled his eyes and said, “We’re equals. I would never look at Castiel was being weaker than me, me being strong than him or vice versa. He is my soulmate, not someone I compete with.”

++

Dean arrived home after practice. It was dark and coach had kept them late. He knew his dad would have a plate of food for him in the refrigerator. He doubted his dad would have held off dinner. Dean knew John liked to keep Sam on something of a schedule. It kept Sam calmer if he knew what to expect and when.

He walked in the house and saw his dad peak around the corner. John held a finger to lips indicating to Dean to be quiet. Dean quietly put down his bag and walked further into the house. In the living room, stretched out on the sofa was Sam. Sam was asleep with a blanket draped over him. The soft sound of a documentary on the solar system playing in the background. Dean smiled because Sam had never done this before.

Dean tiptoed into the kitchen so he could talk to his dad. Once they were there, they whispered to each other. Dean asked, “He fell asleep on his own out there?”

John nodded and whispered, “Yes, I turned on the documentary after dinner. Sam wanted to know more about the solar system. Anyways, about halfway through I saw that he had the blanket wrapped around himself and he was asleep. I don’t want to wake him or move him. I think that would only scare him.”

Dean could feel Sam and he knew Sam felt safe. He shook his head in agreement. “Yeah, he feels safe right now.”

++

Sam woke up in the middle of the night. It took him a moment to realize where he was. He was on the sofa at John’s house. He remembered watching television. Sam thought he must have drifted off because he was feeling tired and warm. He frowned at the thought of just falling asleep anywhere because that wasn’t safe. It wasn’t wise. Sam knew he could get a hurts from that. It meant he wasn’t being attentive. He wasn’t even trying to be good.

He sat up slowly as he fought back his tears because he didn’t want to get hurt. Sam looked around the room and saw Dean asleep in the chair with his feet propped up on the coffee table. Dean’s arms were wrapped tightly around himself and he looked cold. Sam took the blanket that was covering him and draped it over Dean so he could be warm.

He took a step back from Dean and watched him sleep. Sam wondered why Dean was comfortable falling asleep anywhere. He saw Dean sleep at the salvage yard, the grass outside, the car, school, on a bed, and on the floor with him. Sam could not comprehend why anyone would want to sleep on a bed. Dean was still trying to sell that it was okay to Sam, but Sam didn’t believe him. He couldn’t. It didn’t make sense.

Sam walked quietly to his room. He didn’t want to wake anyone and get a hurts. He closed the door to his room gently. Sam slid the lock to make sure no one came into give him a hurts. He breathed a silent sigh of relief because he felt safe.

He picked up the photo album on his bed and sat down on the floor with it. The album belonged to Dean. It was pictures of Dean growing up. Sam knew he had one but his pictures stopped when he was taken. His photo album only showed six months of his life. Sam opened Dean’s album. He had never looked at it before.

The first picture was of an ultrasound. Sam remembered reading about those in one of his science books. Dean was nothing but a little white outline in the photo. The next was a picture of John, a blonde haired woman, and a baby. The baby didn’t have Sam’s name on his arm but Sam knew the baby was Dean. Sam knew the blonde haired woman was their mother, Mary. He stared at the photo of Mary. She looked happy. Sam knew he ruined her happiness.

Sam smiled at the photo of a one year old Dean covered in cake with two women pressing kisses into each of his cheeks. He knew one of the women was Mary. The other he didn’t recognize, but he noticed she tended to stand close to Bobby in the pictures. He looked at the pictures of Dean learning how to walk, run, and play. It was things Sam never remembered doing himself. He never remembered playing with toys except for Meg’s entertainment and that wasn’t fun. Dean looked happy.

After several pages and pictures of a pregnant Mary, Sam saw the first glimpse of himself in Dean’s album. No one looked happy in the pictures when he was born. They looked sad. They weren’t excited like they were with Dean. The only ones that looked happy were Bobby and that woman who was by his side a lot. Sam wondered who she was. Sam could tell that in the picture of Dean holding him that the smile on Dean’s face wasn’t real. It was forced. Dean didn’t like him as a baby either.  

Sam flipped through a few more pages and he saw Dean tying a blue ribbon to a tree in a park. He saw photos of Dean with John, Bobby, and the other woman holding candles outside at twilight by the tree in the park. There was a baby picture of Sam at the bottom of the tree. Sam wondered what it meant and what they were doing. He could see other people in the photo that he had never seen before. Sam studied the photo for a few minutes and off in the corner of the photo behind the crowd of people holding candles, Sam saw Azazel.

He didn’t understand what that meant for sure, but all Sam knew was Azazel was close to Dean. Azazel could have hurt Dean. Sam didn’t want to think about Dean getting hurt. He flipped the pages of the album. He watched Dean grow up into the teenager he was now. Sam saw the pictures of Dean learning how to ride a bike, swim, and play baseball and football. He saw Dean working under the hood of a car with John and he saw smiles paint their faces.

It didn’t look like Dean had a care in the world. He looked at the pictures of Dean going to school dances with groups of people. Lisa and Meg were in some of the pictures. He didn’t see Gabriel or Castiel in any of Dean’s pictures. Sam wondered if Dean was friends with them before he was freed. By the looks of things Dean was not. Dean was friends with the people that wanted to hurt him.

Sam closed the album and stared at his bedroom door. He wondered if maybe his trust was misplaced. He wondered if Dean was just going to hurt him like Azazel did. Sam didn’t think John or Bobby would hurt him. Sam knew that Dean didn’t make sense to him. He wanted Dean to be happy. Sam didn’t think Meg was right. He didn’t think killing himself would make Dean happy. However, Sam did think that letting Dean do whatever he want would make Dean happy. He knew it may cause him a few hurts, but if Dean was happy he could live with the pain.

His bond with Dean had always been what got him through his darkest days. Sam remembered treasuring the feeling of love from Dean. He used to daydream about that love being directed at him. Sam knew he could daydream about the idea of a loving soulmate again. It was better than daydreaming about how Dean actually was. 


	35. Chapter 35

Sam wasn’t sure if he could do this. Azazel’s trial had started since his plea deal fell through. Sam knew Azazel lied so they took the deal away. He wasn’t sure if that was fair or not. Sam had no basis of comparison to determine if Azazel was being treated fairly or not. All Sam knew was that he didn’t like to put off hurts. He liked to get them over with, but he didn’t know if Azazel felt the same way.

The fairness of the situation was not what had Sam worried. Today, he had to testify. Sam knew Garth had testified. Garth had been staying at their house because of the trial. Sam liked having Garth there. Garth slept on the sofa, but came into his room every night to tell Sam good night. Garth would sit on the floor and they would talk for a while but not long enough to cause a hurts.

Garth would talk about how Sam should try to sleep on the bed and that maybe having Dean with him would help. Garth thought Dean seemed nice but he admitted Dean had made some mistakes. Garth thought Dean loved Sam, but Sam wasn’t sure if that was possible. It did make him feel warm inside when Garth told him that the love he feels inside from Dean was for him, not someone else. Sam knew he would be delighted if that was true. However, he just didn’t want to disappoint himself by wanting too much from Dean. Sam knew he shouldn’t want things in the first place.

Sam was glad he didn’t have to watch the trial. Most days, he went to Bobby’s house while Garth and his dad went to court. Dean skipped school to stay at Bobby’s with him. Sam though that was odd, but there was something nice about spending time with Dean. He especially enjoyed the day Dean made a deep mud puddle on Bobby’s property and they played in it for a while. The consistency of the mud was something new to Sam. It was fun and for the first time Sam wondered what it would be like to laugh like Dean does. Sam thought it was odd that Bobby called them ‘idjits’ when they came in to take showers.

However, today he wasn’t spending the day at Bobby’s house. He was sitting the backseat of his dad’s car with Dean and Garth. Bobby and his dad were sitting up front. They parked in the parking lot and Sam got out of the car after Dean. They started to walk up to the courthouse and Sam saw a lot of people. They had large cameras and there were flashes. It startled him and he stopped walking. Sam wasn’t sure what to make of what was happening.

Sam felt Dean put an arm around him and he could feel Dean was being protective of him. He wasn’t sure why Dean felt the need to do that. Sam started to walk again with Dean’s coaxing. As they got closer to the courthouse, the cameras started flashing and Sam heard people saying his name. They were asking him questions about what it was like to be with Azazel and they wanted to know what went on in the house.

Sam was afraid to go any further. He looked up at Dean and he heard Dean say, “It’s okay, Sammy. Just ignore them.” Sam really wasn’t sure if that was wise or not. He didn’t have much time to think about that though because John was on his other side urging him along.

It seemed to take a long time to get into the courthouse, but once they were inside the flashing cameras and shouting people were gone. Sam found this much easier to handle. He followed Garth and Bobby since John and Dean were on either side of him.

He got led back to a small room with a window that overlooked a parking lot. Sam stared out the window for a few moments after John and Dean pulled away from him. He wondered what today and the next day had in store for him.

++

Sam sat in the room with Dean and Bobby while his dad and Garth were in the courtroom. His vision kept shifting from what he was seeing to what Dean was seeing. It was weird and Sam could not understand it. Sam could feel Dean’s fear and worry. He could also feel possessiveness from Dean which he didn’t think meshed with fear and worry.

It was after lunch when an officer came to get him. Sam followed the officer into the mostly empty courtroom. He knew the media was asked to leave for his testimony. Sam saw his dad, Garth, Ash, and Meg in the courtroom. There was sign language interpreter he didn’t know in the courtroom too. Sam saw the prosecuting attorney, whose name he couldn’t remember at one table. At the other table, Sam saw Azazel.

Sam stared at Azazel for a moment. He was wearing a suit like the ones he wore when he had clients over but Azazel’s hands were cuffed together. Sam found that odd. He figured Azazel must have been bad. Sam looked away from Azazel and sat down in a seat by the judge.

Sam couldn’t swear to tell the whole truth while holding up his right hand with his left hand resting on a Bible. He did sign that he would tell the truth, which earned him a glare from Azazel. Sam decided to look at his dad, Garth, and Ash instead of Azazel.

The prosecuting attorney asked him gently, “Sam, do you recognize that man sitting over there?” She pointed over toward Azazel.

He looked at Azazel briefly before nodding his head and signing, “Yes.” He was scared to be in the same room with Azazel but somehow, he knew Azazel couldn’t hurt him.

Sam found that his vision shifted from his to what Dean was seeing while he was in the courtroom. He took comfort in being able to see something else and being able to see someplace where Azazel wasn’t. Sam wasn’t sure why he could see what Dean was seeing, but he had never felt Dean this afraid before.

As the questions continued, for the first time Sam saw pictures and videos of himself growing up. Their were still pictures and videos from Azazel’s business meetings. Sam was asked to explain what was going on in the videos and he did his best to remember. He did his best to tell himself he was being good by talking about this. Sometimes, though Sam felt bad because he didn’t remember all the instances on the video tapes. He didn’t remember all of the pictures being taken.

Azazel’s lawyer was not as nice. He had a sneer on his face when he asked Sam questions. The first question the lawyer asked was, “Sam, were the rooms you kept in locked so you couldn’t escape?”

Sam honestly didn’t know. He never tried to leave. He signed, “I don’t know. I stayed where Azazel put me. I didn’t want to get a hurts.” It was the truth but it seemed to anger the lawyer.

The lawyer held up a photo of Sam in a room with telephone. He showed the jury and asked Sam, “What is the emergency number?”

Sam frowned and signed, “9-1-1.” He didn’t understand the point of this questioning.

The lawyer smiled and said, “So you were in room by yourself. You could have called the police for assistance. Isn’t this true?”

Sam was confused and he was glad when what he was seeing shifted back to what Dean was seeing. It gave him the strength to answer the question. “I don’t think so. I didn’t know the emergency number or how to work a telephone until I was freed. I didn’t know there were police and I didn’t know what Azazel was doing to me was wrong. I didn’t know I was kidnapped. I’m sorry, I didn’t know those things.”

++

Dean was relieved to see Sam after he got done testifying. He gave Sam a hug which Sam quickly pulled away from. He understood though. Today was rough for Sam and Sam wasn’t very affectionate in general. His little brother had to face the person that tortured him for years. Dean was scared for Sam today. He was horrified that Azazel could somehow get his hooks into Sam again.

Outwardly, it didn’t look like Sam was hurt but Dean had no idea what was going on inside of Sam’s head. He could feel a little fear and nervousness from Sam, but under the circumstances Dean thought that was to be expected.

When they arrived home Dean watched Sam wander away to his bedroom. Dean pretty much expected that would happen. He stood in the hallway for about fifteen minutes while he tried to decide what to do. Dean didn’t know how to approach Sam. Most of the time, he worried that he would scare Sam. It felt like Sam was uneasy with him around.

Dean felt a hand on his shoulder and he turned to see Garth standing behind him. Garth was a lanky guy who was very weird and a little twitchy. Dean got it though, Garth went through the same things Sam did. The only difference was Garth had a basis for what life was actually supposed to be like which Sam did not. Little things didn’t confuse Garth like they did Sam.

Sometimes, Dean wished Sam was taken when he was older. At least then Sam could understand things easier. The world wouldn’t be one giant pot of suffering to Sam. He remembered trying to explain his photo album to Sam after his little brother looked at. It was hard to explain to Sam why there wasn’t the same excitement when he was born. It was hard to explain that to Sam that he didn’t know Meg and Azazel were the ones holding him.

Garth spoke in a little bit of a high pitch voice but it was encouraging, “You should go talk to him.”

Dean rolled his eyes and stated calmly, “He doesn’t want to talk to me. I didn’t exactly make a good first impression on him and that impression stuck.”

Garth smiled slightly and said quietly, “Sam cares about you and I know you’ve done some questionable things in the past. When I was reunited with him and I told him about my soulmate. He said that you hated him. I can see that you don’t hate Sam. You just screwed up.. Repeatedly.”

Dean grimaced but Garth was right. He did screw up a lot with Sam. What Garth didn’t point out was that he was selfish. Dean decided to at least go check on Sam. Dean stepped into Sam’s room with a light knock on the doorframe.

Sam lifted his head up with the knock but did not look at Dean. Dean stepped into the room and noticed Sam was drawing something. There were colored pencils scattered out beside his little brother. Dean carefully sat down a couple feet away from Sam. He didn’t want Sam to feel crowded. Dean kept his voice soft when he asked, “How are you doing? I know today had to be hard for you.”

Sam still didn’t look at Dean but he put down his colored pencil. He signed, “I could feel your fear. I could see what you saw off and on. Did I hurt you by testifying today? Ash said that I should testify because it will keep someone else from getting hurt like me.”

Dean frowned. He wanted to touch Sam and hold him close but he didn’t. He couldn’t force Sam to be in that position with him. Instead, he kept his hands at his side and said quietly, “I think you were brave today, Sammy. I am proud of you. I hope you never have to see that bastard again.”

Dean watched Sam start drawing again. He looked and saw that Sam was drawing a picture of the courtroom. Azazel wasn’t in the picture. It had their dad, Ash, and Garth watching. Dean knew this was something Sam saw today but he didn’t comment on it.

He thought about what it meant for Sam to see what he saw. Despite what Gabriel said about it, Dean knew deep down that meant Sam was the stronger one. It made him angry to some degree. Dean felt like he should be the one to protect Sam. Sam didn’t understand the world and he did. Sam couldn’t protect either of them from anything. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So some anon posters have been commenting that this story is dragging or maybe not going the way they want. I appreciate the feedback. 
> 
> At this point in the story, Sam has only been away from Azazel for a little over a year. He's 13 and living with people he doesn't know. Sam is making progress in his recovery, but that progress is not with Dean. He is talking but he is not using his voice to talk. He is using his hands. It was Dean who had to come to terms with Sam's different form of communication, not Sam learning how to use his voice to communicate with Dean. However, in the coming chapters Sam will be struggling more with not being able to use his voice. 
> 
> Dean is a teenager and true to his character, he likes to play the field. Whether or not, he will truly stop fooling around we will only see in time. The reason Lisa was still in the picture was because she was convenient and they had an agreement which she broke. 
> 
> As much as I would like to jump ahead in the timeline to placate some of the readers, it would cut out to much of the plot and lead this story on a path to nowhere. That said, there will be a jump in the timeline in probably about 3 to 5 chapters. It will jump ahead to where Sam is 17 and Dean is 21. The Wincest, which everyone is probably waiting for, will happen after the skip in timeline. I am not going to make Dean into that much of an asshole to mess with Sam at 13. 
> 
> If you've gotten this far in the story, I would hope you've realized that this is not a super happy story and what happened to Sam is something both of them are going to have to deal with for the rest of their lives. Sam's trauma isn't going to go away but he will learn how to live with it.


	36. Chapter 36

Castiel was late getting home from school. He had a study group with some of his friends and Gabriel didn’t want to stick around for it. His soulmate said he had an important project to work on at home. It worried Castiel when he thought about what that might be. Castiel really hoped it wasn’t an elaborate prank that he would fall victim too. He really wasn’t in the mood for that today. He was tired and his head hurt from all the studying.

He walked the short distance from the school to his house. Castiel knew if he could have called Gabriel to pick him up. However, Castiel wanted to walk to clear his head and he hoped it would ease his headache. It didn’t work.

Castiel walked into the house and dropped his backpack by the door. He decided that for once he will worry about his homework later and not adhere to Michael’s strict rule of doing his homework first thing. Castiel needed some pain killers, a nap, and if Gabriel was in a mellow mood, he wanted Gabriel to hold him.

He wandered into the kitchen to see Gabriel making something with candy. Castiel was about to comment on that when Gabriel spoke. His soulmate didn’t even look up to see it was him but there was a caring tone in Gabriel’s voice. “I put some ibuprofen on the table for you and I just poured you a soda. The ice isn’t even melted. The caffeine should help your headache. Oh, and I made you some ants on a log for a snack.”

Castiel stared at Gabriel for a few moments while he tried to figure out how Gabriel knew he had a headache. However, he didn’t dwell on it because Gabriel always knew what was going on with him. It was one of the things that made Castiel love Gabriel even more. Castiel glanced at the table and true to Gabriel’s word there was one ibuprofen, a soda on ice, and celery filled with peanut butter with raisins on top.  

He took the pill with a swig of his soda. Gabriel did not mess with the drink which he was thankful for. Castiel picked up one of the filled celery sticks and started eating it. He smiled at his soulmate and said, “Thank you, Gabriel. You’re the best.”

Gabriel smiled and looked up at him from his project. His voice was a little smug but Castiel could hear the appreciation in it, “I know. I had a very good role model to learn how to be the best from.”

Castiel walked closer to Gabriel as he ate. He got a better look at what Gabriel was doing. It looked like Gabriel was layering candy in a casserole dish. Castiel did not understand why his soulmate was doing this but he would get to that in a minute. He knew Michael had restricted Gabriel’s candy intake to one treat a day and Cas hoped that making a casserole sized treat was not Gabriel’s way of working around Michael’s rule.

Castiel looked up at Gabriel when they were close enough to touch and asked innocently, “Who might your role model be?”

Gabriel smirked from where he was working. He turned and kissed Castiel on the cheek and said, “There is the dark haired young man that I’ve known all my life. He has my name on his arm. He is amazing, slightly sheltered and weird but I love him.” Gabriel went back to building his creation.

Despite his headache, Castiel returned the kiss on the cheek and he was feeling bold. He stated, “Some of my classmates are having sex and getting pregnant. Why can’t we do that stuff? Clearly, I must be old enough if they are doing it.”

Gabriel sighed and stopped building his creation. He wiped off his hands on a dish towel and stated carefully, “I would love to do that with you, Castiel. However, we are both male so we can’t have children together. Maybe someday, we could adopt.” Gabriel put a bright smile on his face when he finished talking.

Castiel pinched the bridge of his nose in a vain attempt to fight off his headache and he could feel Gabriel’s uneasiness with this topic. Tiredly he said, “You know what I mean, Gabriel. I’m not saying that I want you to fuck me, but I want you to touch me intimately.” Castiel paused and added, “What are you building anyways?”

Gabriel was silent for a moment. When he spoke it was calm and collected, “I promised Michael I would wait until you were sixteen. Aside from that promise, I don’t want you to wake up one day ten years from now and think I took advantage of you. I know you feel like an adult. I know I did at your age and I still do even though Michael says differently, but I want to trust Michael on this one. I’m older than you and I have managed to keep it in my pants this long. I am sure two more years won’t kill you or me. I love you too much to risk hurting you.”

 Castiel knew this wasn’t an argument he was going to win and the people who did mess around seemed unhappy. Dean happened to be a prime example of that and Castiel was surprised Gabriel didn’t mention Dean’s womanizing. Of course, he didn’t know anyone who was having sex with their soulmate at his age. Castiel was pretty sure Dean was not messing around with Sam. Castiel decided to focus on something else. He repeated his question as he muttered, “So what are you building?”

Gabriel beamed brightly at the question. His entire tone changed. Instead of calm and placating, Gabriel was upbeat and happy. “I am making a casserole for the Winchesters. Azazel Masters's trial is going on and Dean hasn’t been in school. Michael thought a casserole would be a nice gesture.”

Castiel looked at the giant mass of candy in the casserole dish and then he looked back at the excited eyes of his soulmate. Castiel spoke slowly and carefully, “Gabriel, I don’t think Michael meant a casserole made of out of candy. I think he meant real food.”

Gabriel rolled his eyes and stated like it was obvious, “The base is vanilla cake with sprinkles mixed in. The candy is just the topping. I bet Sammy has never had anything like this.”

Castiel sighed and rubbed his temples. Sometimes, Gabriel had good intentions but they weren’t executed well. He was pretty sure no one had ever had anything like whatever it was Gabriel was making. Castiel hoped that Gabriel did not put any sour candy on his creation.

Castiel heard Gabriel laughing and he looked up. Gabriel happily pointed toward the refrigerator and said, “I knew I could get that feeling from you. You’re amazing, Castiel. There is a lasagna in the refrigerator that I made earlier. It is mom’s old recipe.” Castiel glanced at the refrigerator and he wondered what their mom was like.

+++

Sam was in the backyard at John’s house with Dean. They spent most of the day outside. It was a nice fall day and everyone was home. The jury was deliberating on Azazel’s fate. Sam wasn’t sure how he felt about that and he didn’t understand why there was a need to discuss if Azazel hurt him and the others or not. Despite what Ash and everyone else said, Sam knew that he deserved at least some of what Azazel did to him.

He looked up when he saw Dean walk toward him with a football. Sam could feel that Dean was hopeful. Dean smiled at him and asked kindly, “Do you want to learn how to play catch with a football?”

Sam looked at the oddly shaped brown ball for a few moments and then to Dean’s face. His soulmate looked just as hopeful as he felt. Sam wasn’t sure though. He had seen Dean practice with his teammates and he had seen plenty of football games. Sam knew that ball could cause a hurts. He also knew that he wanted Dean to be happy and he knew that to make Dean happy, he may have to get a few hurts.

He felt fear rise up inside of him but Sam tried to fight it back down by taking a deep breath and looking up at the sky. Slowly Sam nodded his head in agreement and signed, “Yes, Dean.”

Dean grinned and put the ball in Sam’s hands. He carefully lined up Sam’s fingers so each finger was in between one of the white laces on the ball. Dean moved to stand behind Sam. He carefully put his hand back on Sam’s and said calmly, “We need to teach you how to throw the ball first. There is nothing to be afraid of.”

Sam wasn’t sure about Dean being behind him this close. He wasn’t sure about Dean’s arms around him like this. Sam remembered what Azazel would do when he came up behind him like this and Sam hoped Dean wouldn’t do the same thing. He tried to focus on pleasing Dean, but he knew Dean could still feel his fear.

He let Dean maneuver his arm and together they tossed the ball a few feet. Sam could feel Dean’s joy as he stepped away from him. Dean quickly ran over and picked up the ball. Sam watched Dean stop about ten feet from him and ask, “Are you ready, Sammy?”

Sam nodded and Dean threw the ball. He remembered objects being thrown at him plenty of times when he was bad. Sam knew he was never expected to catch said object and he was never expected to believe it was a fun activity. The ball hit him squarely in the chest. It startled him but didn’t knock the wind out of him. The ball dropped to the ground with a thud.

He stared at the ball on the ground for several moments as he wondered what sort of hurts he would get for failing to catch the ball. At first Sam felt annoyance from Dean but now he was feeling worry. Sam flinched without meaning to when he felt Dean’s hand on his shoulder. He bit down on his bottom lip to keep from crying. Sam was working on not crying all the time. He knew he wasn’t supposed to cry.

Sam felt Dean pull him in for a hug and whisper, “It’s okay, Sammy.” He felt Dean gently rub his back and Sam was torn. It felt nice to be this close to Dean and Sam could feel love from Dean. It gave Sam hope that maybe Garth was right. Maybe the love Sam felt from Dean was for him. On the other hand, Sam wasn’t sure about being held like this. He wasn’t sure about Dean touching his back. Sam knew he was ugly underneath his clothes and he knew Dean could feel that ugliness through the fabric.

He heard someone clear his throat and the playful voice of Gabriel, “Sam! Dean! Castiel and I dropped off dinner.”

++

Dean stepped in the house following Sam after failing to teach Sam how to play catch. He knew the moment Sam didn’t make a move to actually catch the ball that it was a mistake. Dean knew Sam probably didn’t understand what was going on. He thought maybe now that Gabriel and Castiel were here they could help show him.

He stopped in the dining room and looked at the casserole they brought over. It was pure sugar as far as Dean could tell. The top was covered in a layer of gummy worms and Dean wasn’t sure what was below that. Dean raised an eyebrow at Castiel and Gabriel.

Castiel sighed and said flatly, “That is dessert. Gabriel made it and I have no idea what it is supposed to be. There is lasagna in the oven.”

Dean chuckled and picked a gummy worm off the top. He grinned, “Nothing like ruining dinner.” He could feel confusion from Sam when he made that statement. For some reason, that just made Dean chuckle harder.

As he laughed John entered the kitchen holding the phone. His voice was sharp, “Dean, Garth and I are heading to the courthouse. The jury reached a verdict. Please make sure your brother gets some real food and doesn’t eat nothing but candy. I love you both and I will see you soon.”

++

John and Garth arrived at the courthouse twenty minutes later. The media was already gathered outside and shouting things at them. Mostly they wanted to know where his sons were. John was grateful that they at least had the decency not to camp out on his front lawn to try to catch a glimpse of Sam. He knew that they had a plan if the media did that. John was going to have the boys stay with Bobby until things calmed down. Bobby’s entire property was gated because of the salvage yard and it would give Sam much needed privacy.

John was glad it didn’t come to that. He sat down in one of the seats and waited patiently. John watched Azazel enter the courtroom, along with the jury and finally the judge. His stomach was in knots. Finally after what seemed like an eternity the judge said, “Mr. Azazel Masters will you please stand.”

John watched Azazel stand then an unnamed member of the jury read their verdict. “We, the jury, find Azazel Masters guilty on count one false imprisonment of a child regarding minor S.W.” John’s head buzzed as they jury read their verdict. There were over 571 separate charges. Azazel was found guilty on all of them. It took a longtime and John found himself listening carefully for the ones involving Sam. Sam was minor S.W. in the court documents.

It seemed like an eternity later when jury finally got done reading their verdict. John wasn’t ashamed to admit that there were tears of relief on his face. There were also tears on Garth’s face. John heard the judge state, “Thank you. What does the jury recommend for sentencing?”

The unnamed member of the jury stated slowly, “Your honor, we collectively agree that Mr. Masters should face the maximum plenty under the law. We recommend life in prison without the possibility of parole.”

The judge nodded and turned back to Azazel. The judge stated coldly, “Mr. Masters, the sentencing phase of this trial will begin in one month. During that time, you will continue to be held at the county jail. Court is adjourned.”

John left the courtroom feeling good. When he got out to his car with Garth. He just sat in the parking lot for a few minutes staring at the setting the sun. It was silly and something he would have never appreciated before. Sammy showed him how to appreciate these things. 


	37. Chapter 37

Sam was sitting in the bleachers at the football game. It was the homecoming game and there was a dance that followed the game. Sam wasn’t sure what the significance homecoming was. No one was at their home. They were all at a football game. Castiel called it a ‘stupid preppy thing.’ The football game looked like any other game he had been too and there were no houses. There seemed to be more brightly colored banners and the cheerleaders seemed more upbeat. Maybe everyone was going to live at the school or the stadium.

He didn’t pay much attention to the cheerleaders. Lisa was a cheerleader and Sam didn’t like her much. He also knew that she didn’t like him. Sam watched the game start and he saw Dean take the ball. He watched Dean search the field for a teammate to throw it to, but that was not what had Sam’s attention.

Benny let one of the players from the other team pass and that player was heading straight toward Dean. Sam watched with wide eyes as the other player collided with Dean. He felt a sharp pain in his chest and a pain around his knee. When Sam looked up Dean was one the ground. His right leg looked like it was laying in an unnatural position and Dean looked to be gasping for air.

Sam’s vision changed to Dean’s as he started coughing silently and grabbing his chest in pain. He could see paramedics taking Dean’s helmet off. Dean’s vision was a little blurry and he left fear from Dean.

Sam closed his eyes and there was a coppery taste on his tongue. He knew it was blood. His vision changed back to his own and Sam saw blood on his hand from where he had been coughing. Sam looked around and saw Bobby hovering close to him. His dad was making his way down toward Dean.

Bobby looked at the field where Dean was down and Sam. It was evident to Bobby that Sam was using his bond to try to protect Dean from the pain he was feeling. The problem was it was ripping Sam up inside. Bobby had read about this sort of thing before and he brushed up on it when he saw Dean reading up on the subject. He suspected the boys might be one of the lucky soulmates with a bond this strong.

Although, Bobby honestly expected it to be Dean absorbing Sam’s suffering not the other way around. When he looked at Sam now he knew he had underestimated Sam. He had always thought that the ache Dean felt in his chest was from absorbing Sam’s pain. Now he knew he was wrong. He pulled his eyes back to Sam and saw blood coming out of Sam’s nose and around his eyes.

Bobby picked the thirteen year old up and he was surprised when Sam didn’t resist. He carried Sam down to the field where the paramedics were strapping Dean in.

Dean looked a lot better than Sam and his voice was very adamant, “I am fine. Let me get up and finish the game.” Bobby could tell Dean was not a fan of the neck brace and the straps on the backboard.

Bobby cleared his throat and snapped, “Dean, you are not fine. You’re not hurting because of Sam.”

Dean moved his eyes to try to look at Bobby and Bobby could see Dean squint at him and Sam. Bobby shifted Sam’s weight in his arms when another paramedic came over. He checked Sam’s pulse and looked at his eyes. The paramedic frowned and said to Sam, “Hey buddy, can you hear me?”

Bobby saw Sam blink at the paramedic but didn’t make a move to sign anything. He explained calmly, “Sam is mute but he knows sign language.”

The paramedic nodded and smiled, “No, worries.” He turned his attention back to Sam, “Hey bud, I am going to load you up next to your soulmate. Are you alright with that?”

This time Sam nodded his head yes and Bobby handed Sam over to the paramedic. The paramedic laid Sam down on his side on the stretcher next to Dean and Sam’s hand was moved to be touching Dean’s arm. Dean let out a gasp when they started touching, but didn’t say anything more.

++

John was pacing the waiting room at the hospital. He was worried about Dean’s injury. He knew Dean hurt his knee. John just didn’t know how badly. He also suspected Dean might have a couple broken ribs, but he didn’t know for sure. The thing with Sam complicated things. Although it did explain why Dean had a higher pain tolerance than anyone he had ever met. Sam was the one taking on Dean’s pain.

Sam was probably the reason why when Dean was ten and broke his arm. Dean didn’t even cry or have to be held down when the doctor reset his arm. Dean just watched the doctor with fascination and asked if he could have his sucker. John was fairly certain Sam, who would have been six and in the middle of getting tortured by Azazel, felt Dean’s broken arm.

John wasn’t sure why the doctors wanted to keep the boys together but he allowed it. He knew Dean was coherent enough to make sure nobody did anything to Sam and Sam was protecting Dean as it was. He stopped pacing to glare at his step-brother when Bobby said, “Sit down, John. They are going to be fine.”

John sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He stated with exasperation, “Dean is hurt and I have no idea how to help Sam. I don’t know how to help either of them. I don’t know if Sam is going to carry the same injury as Dean. I don’t know if Dean is going to fully recover. I just want them both to be happy. I never wanted Sam to suffer because Dean got hurt or vise versa.”

Carefully Bobby replied, “Sam loves Dean. I have to admit if I had to pick one to be the stronger of the two I would have picked Dean. Sam always seems so scared and unsure of himself. Dean is the image of confidence. I think they will get through this. Sam has been hurt far worse than this… This is probably like a cake walk to Sam. Dean is the one I would be worried about.”

++

It was two hours and an emergency surgery later when John was finally let in to see Dean. Dean tore three ligaments in his knee. It was safe to assume Dean was out of commission for the remainder of football season. Dean also suffered a cracked rib and a minor concussion. John was able to sit by Sam’s bedside after they sedated him for Dean’s surgery. John was unsure about giving to approval for that, but once it was explained to that Sam may be able to feel everything when Dean was in surgery if they didn’t, John felt like he had no choice. Sam wasn’t sedated for long. John was glad when Sam started to come around as soon as Dean’s surgery ended.

Dean opened his eyes slowly as he woke up and looked around the room. His leg was up in some sort of sling. There was an annoying beeping in the background and IV in his arm. Dean was surprised that he was not in any pain. He turned his head and saw Sam sitting next to him. Sammy was reading a book. Dean could feel that Sam was in pain even though he couldn’t see it on Sam’s face.

He groaned and went to sit up but he felt like his head was spinning. Dean croaked out, “Hey Sammy, where is Dad and Uncle Bobby?”

Sam sat his book down carefully and signed something. Dean’s vision was to blurry from the drugs to make out whatever Sam was trying to tell him. He wished Sam could just talk like everyone else. It would make things so much easier for everyone, especially in situations like this.

Dean sighed and stated, “I can’t make out what you’re saying. Everything is blurry.” Dean closed his eyes and decided to try to sleep this off. All he could feel from Sam when he closed his eyes was a sense of shame and pain.

++

When Dean woke up again, Sam was gone. He looked around the room and saw his dad sitting in the corner. He shifted his weight up and said weakly, “Dad? What happened?” Dean had a pretty good idea what happened, but he thought it would be nice if someone explained to him what happened in English without all the medical jargon. He absently thought it would have been great if they actually asked his opinion on what to do, but they didn’t.

John stood up and walked over to Dean’s bedside. He squeezed Dean’s hand and it felt good to know his dad was there looking out for him. John’s voice was calm, “You got injured playing football. You had to have knee surgery and once you’re coherent they said you can go home. Aside from that you have a minor bump on your head because you were probably wearing your helmet to loose. I told you not to do that, Dean. Anyways, you also cracked a couple ribs. You’re going to be sore, but you’ll be fine.”

Dean let out a long groan and grumbled, “So I guess football season is over for me.” He paused and asked, “What pain medication do they have me on? I don’t hurt at all.”

John frowned and stated slowly, “Hydrocodone and acetaminophen. However, Sam is the stronger of the two of you and he is absorbing most of your pain. I don’t think he knows how he is doing it or how to stop it. Sam doesn’t like drugs and I sedated him once today. He didn’t appreciate that. I can’t drug him up on pain medication if he doesn’t want that. It is more difficult for me to see that fear on his face than it is for me to see discomfort. Sam handles the pain well. I guess he is used to it.”

Dean ran a hand over his face and grumbled some more. Grumbling made him feel better because now everyone knew he was weak. He cracked an eye open at his dad and asked, “Where is Sammy?”

John smiled and replied, “He went for a walk around the hospital with Bobby. They should be back in a little bit.”

++

Dean hated being injured. What he hated more was when he skipped taking his pain medication, Sam would start hurting and bleeding. The first time he forgot, Dean just watched Sam in something of a shocked haze. Sam just curled himself into a corner away from everyone. Then Sam’s nose started bleeding and Dean could feel that Sam was hurting. It was hard to watch and as soon as Dean realized it was his fault, Dean took his pain pills.

He was starting to get around a little better after the first day, but he tried not to push to far because Sam felt it when he did. The whole thing with Sam made his recovery more complicated in Dean’s not so humble opinion. Dean was stirred from his thoughts by a knock on his door. He yelled, “Come in.”

Pam walked into the room and scuffed, “Dean, is it really that hard to put your dirty clothes in your laundry basket?” She had her aunt voice going which Dean found nice. It reminded him of when Aunt Karen would get onto him for stuff like that. Dean knew she was probably really only using a ‘mom voice’ but to him it was an ‘aunt voice.’

Dean grinned and retorted, “I am injured.” It was a weak argument and he knew it. Pam just shook her head at him. Dean asked after a few moments of watching her throw his clothes into the basket. “What are you doing here?”

She looked up and stated, “Your dad called to tell me you got hurt and told me about the bond Sam has with you. I thought you might want to talk about it.” Pam deposited the rest of his dirty clothes in the basket and Dean tried not to be embarrassed when he realized his therapist just picked up his dirty underwear for him.

Dean swallowed slowly and said nervously, “Yeah so I am the weak and pathetic one, I guess. Sam is the strong one. He cries at the drop of hat. He can’t.. He can’t go to school like everyone else because the noise scares him. He sleeps under his fucking desk. I have never heard him laugh. I have never seen him stand up for himself, yet he’s the strong one. I am utterly pathetic if that messed up kid is stronger than me.”

Pam sat down on Dean’s bed and he hoped she didn’t find his dirty magazine that was somewhere under the covers. Her voice was gentle, “I got to meet to Sam today. He seemed very polite. He showed me where your room was. He is quite expressive. Even without knowing sign language, it wasn’t hard for me to figure out what he was trying to convey. He didn’t seem like the person you described to me.”

Dean rolled his eyes and stated, “You should be around him longer then.”

Pam gave a small smile, “You know Dean, soulmates are supposed to complement each other and make the other complete. Did it occur to you that Sam has knowledge of a very different world from the one you’ve lived in? He just doesn’t have knowledge of the world you live in but he is gaining that knowledge. Not to over simplify Sam’s abuse, but Sam was in a constant mode of survival. He probably still is to some degree, but he doesn’t seem tense. Did you ever ask Sam how he survived?”

Dean leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. He felt like a girl when he said, “Sam said that it was what he felt from me that made him want to survive. Meg showed him a toy that I left at her house and Sam kept it. It was like his secret treasure or some shit. I got it from evidence for him. He plays with that toy all the time. I am pretty sure he likes it because it was mine. I..I saw inside his head once and I knew even though he didn’t know me when he was with Azazel, he loved me.”

Pam nodded in understanding and stated, “He survived because of you, Dean. Is it any wonder he would do anything to protect you? Even if it hurt him?”

Now that Dean thought about it, Sam protecting him from pain or whatever made sense. Dean didn’t like it, but he was starting to understand.  


	38. Chapter 38

It was the day of Azazel’s sentencing. Dean stayed home from school which he didn’t mind at all. It was difficult to navigate the hallways on crutches and it was embarrassing for his dad or uncle to come up to the school halfway through the day to give him a pain pill. He was off the prescription stuff because his dad was worried about dependency. Dean thought he was managing fine with just the over the counter stuff. Dean found the restrictions on giving students medication ridiculous. The only perk to one of them stopping by was sometimes they had Sam with them. 

Dean could feel Sam’s uneasiness with being in the high school, but he liked having Sam there. He hoped that Sam could someday manage in a place like this. Even though, Dean knew it would be difficult for Sammy. He wanted Sam to have a normal life, even though he knew deep down, Sam was probably going to be a home body for most of his life.

Today, they were watching Star Wars. Sam had never seen the movie and their dad worried it would be too violent and confuse Sam. Dean thought Sam could handle it now and it would help take their minds off of Azazel’s fate.

Halfway through the first movie, Dean looked over to see Sam picking at the skin on his arm. Dean grumbled at Sam, “Stop that, you’re going to hurt yourself.”

Sam looked up and stopped picking at his arm. He didn’t sign anything but Dean could feel something odd from Sam. It felt like Sam wanted something. Dean hoped Sam didn’t want pain.  

Dean sighed and reached across the sofa. He grabbed Sam and pulled him into a hug. He held Sam in his arms and he had Sam’s arms pinned to his chest. He whispered, “Maybe every time you do something, I don’t like. I will just hold you. I’ll make you cuddle with me until you knock it off.”

Sam froze in Dean’s grip which Dean didn’t think much of until his arm started to get wet and he realized he was feeling fear from Sam. Dean let go of Sam quickly and Sam retreated to the corner of the room. He watched Sam pull his legs up to his chest and wrap his arms around his legs like he used to do. Sam was crying and Dean knew he screwed up again.

Dean shifted on the sofa and tried to get up to talk to Sam. It was a little difficult with the knee brace but eventually, he lowered himself on the ground a few feet away from Sam. He spoke gently, “I’m sorry, Sammy. I didn’t mean to scare you. I won’t hurt you, I promise.”

Sam folded his legs down so he could sign. His signs were careful but a little shaky. It was obvious even without their bond that Sam was still upset. Sam signed, “But you held me down. Hurts happen. I don’t want a hurts. I want to make you happy. I was trapped.” Dean realized that Sam probably wasn’t just talking about this one instance. Sam was talking about something in his past.

Dean wasn’t good at stuff like this. He hated the whole chick flick moments thing. He sighed and stared at the ceiling. “You’re a pain in the ass, you know that right? But you’re my pain in the ass.”

++

John walked to stand in front of the court to read a victim’s impact statement. It was surprisingly written by Sam. Ash helped Sam write it. John didn’t read beforehand because Sam asked him not to. He had no idea was written on the piece of paper. He stated, “My name is John Winchester. This statement was written by my thirteen year old son, who Azazel held for nearly twelve years.”

John slowly opened the piece of paper and he couldn’t deny that his hand trembled as he opened it. The words on the page were neat as John had come to expect from Sam. John took a slow breath and started to read.

_“Mr. Masters,_

_You probably know me best as Boy that is what you always called me. When I was a toddler another boy who was held there called me Winnie before you broke us both of speaking. I want you to know, my name is Sam. It might not mean anything to you, but I want you to know I have a name and I belong in the world you took me from._

_I wanted to tell you about the world I got to see after I was rescued. I got to see the sky. I got to feel the wind touch my skin. I saw and felt the rain and the snow. I saw and felt the dirt and I watched plants grow. I got to see animals. I saw a kitchen and I got to sit at a table to eat. I’ve seen the inside of hospitals and I’ve seen specialists to help make me whole again._

_None of those things I got to see until I was rescued. I know now that those are things most people take for granted, but they were foreign and new to me. I know I was with you because my biological mother did not like my older brother being my soulmate. I want you to know that my soulmate and I got to meet. We are getting to know each other and he is helping me to understand the world. More than anything, I want to make my soulmate happy. You were never able to break the bond and love I have for him._

_I feel like you took away my childhood. I don’t quite understand what a childhood is supposed to look like, but I missed out on it. I never got to watch cartoons, color, or play with toys. I don’t know what it is like to do those things when I was younger but I am learning now. I don’t know what it would have been like to be able to ask questions but I am asking those questions now. My world was only what you allowed it to be. Now my world is bigger than I ever imagined._

_I remember being locked away in the darkness. I was alone with my thoughts. I thought about giving up. Sometimes, I begged inside my head for death. Sometimes, I tried to hold my breath until I died, but it never worked. No matter how many times you beat me, burned me, cut me, and raped me, I didn’t die. In my darkest moments when I realized there was no way out and not even death was within my reach, I found the strength to live._

_You took everything from me. You took my voice. You took my virginity which belonged to my soulmate. You took my body and mutilated it. You took away my ability to ever father children. You made me believe the world was a place filled with hurts. You made me believe that life was nothing but boxed rooms without windows and pain._

_You told me that I deserved what you did to me because I am bad. You believed I was bad because God decided to make my soulmate my brother. I want you to know that I am not bad and neither is my soulmate. You were wrong about us._

_It was explained to me what prison is like. I know prison is where you’ll be going but I do not know for how long and it is not my place to judge how long you should be there. Regardless of how long you are there, it would still be a paradise compared to the place you forced me to grow up in. You will have a bed to sleep in, three meals a day, clothes, entertainment, and warm showers. All of that is more than you ever gave me. However, I do not want you to be treated like I was. No one deserves that, not even you._

_I want you to know that I forgive you for what you did to me. It’s not because I think what you did was right, but because I do not wish to hate anyone. I do not wish to become so focused on hate and destruction that I end up like you. Therefore, Mr. Masters, I forgive you._

_Thank you for your time._

_Minor S.W.”_

John folded up the piece of paper and wiped away the tears from his eyes. He had no idea how Sam could forgive someone like Azazel. He was surprised with how much respect Sam showed Azazel in the statement. It was more grace than John would have given the man. He knew with some of the word choices and sentence structure that Ash had a large role in writing that statement. It didn’t sound like how Sam talked.

He was glad it was written the way it was. Sam didn’t appear to be full of hate or scared of Azazel. Sam took a stand against Azazel without talking poorly of the man. John knew Sam didn’t lower himself to Azazel’s level and for that, he was proud of Sam.

++

John took a seat back in the courtroom. He listened to Garth read his own statement. It hurt listening to Garth’s words. Garth recounted being sold. He talked about how his soulmate’s parents paid Azazel to take him. John was glad that Sam was able to be part of Garth’s life. Garth literally had no one. His parents and soulmate’s family were corrupt. Even though Garth didn’t mention his soulmate directly in his statement, John knew Garth’s relationship with Bessie was not the best.

It was midafternoon when the judge read the sentence. John watched Azazel rise and then the judge said, “Azazel Masters, the young men and women you harmed are much gentler souls than me. If I could I would make you feel everything you put them through. During the course of this trial, I saw video of you torturing children. I heard testimony about that torture. I saw photos of their bodies showing the permanent marks you left on them. There is no sentence this court can hand down that will make up for the suffering you inflicted on these children. I sentence you, Azazel Masters, to life in prison without the possibility of parole. I hope God can find it in his heart to forgive you.”

John left the courtroom with a feeling of relief. It was surreal to watch Azazel leave in shackles and know, he was going to be behind bars for the rest of his life. John knew it wouldn’t give Sam anything back that was taken from him but John hoped it would make Sam feel a little safer at night knowing he would never be hurt by Azazel again.

++

Gabriel knocked on the Winchester’s front door after school. He had Castiel with him and Cas was playing with a soft and squishy ball. Sam opened the front door a few moments later. Gabriel grinned at Sam and noticed Sam was getting taller than Cas. Gabriel happily said, “Hey Sam, do you mind if Castiel and I come in? It is a nice day and we were thinking about picking up where Deano left off with teaching you how to play catch. We even brought a soft ball so it won’t hurt anyone.” Gabriel whispered loudly, “Especially the cripple.”

Gabe heard Dean shout from the living room, “I am not crippled. I am just in need of repair.”

Castiel laughed at Dean’s statement and Gabriel couldn’t help but smile. They made their way to the backyard and Gabriel watched the way Sam hovered over Dean. Sam grabbed the door for Dean and made sure there was nothing Dean could trip over. Sam even moved an end table in front of where Dean sat down in a lawn chair so Dean could prop up his leg. It was very loving and considerate of Sam.

Everyone had heard about what happened at the football game. Benny was blamed and out casted. Gabriel didn’t know enough about football to know if that was accurate or not. He had more important things to worry about like trying new types of candy. Everyone knew that Sam was the stronger link between Sam and Dean. Most people were mad because Sam suffered. The freshman didn’t care but most of the seniors thought Sam had been through enough in his life. He didn’t need this. Some people thought Dean should be stronger and others thought Benny should have never caused the situation in the first place.

Once they were all a few feet apart. Castiel said in a voice that Gabriel thought belonged infomercials, “Okay Sam, just throw the ball underhanded like this.” Castiel tossed the ball to Gabriel and Gabriel caught it.

He grinned and said, “When the ball is near just try to fold it into your chest with your hands. If you can’t catch it that is okay. You can always pick it up.” Gabriel tossed the ball to Dean and it landed in Dean’s lap.

Dean tossed the ball back to Castiel. Then Castiel asked, “Are you ready, Sam?”

Sam nodded and Castiel tossed the ball. Sam fumbled to catch it but he did. Gabriel couldn’t help but smile at the bright smile that spread across Sam’s face when he held the ball in his hands. This was much different from when Castiel learnt how to play catch. Castiel was two and kept trying to eat the ball.

 


	39. Chapter 39

Gabriel was in the kitchen staring at a pot of boiling water with a dozen eggs in it. He didn’t have to stare at the water to successfully boil eggs, but he knew Castiel would come strolling in here any minute now. He wanted to see if he could get Castiel riled up. It probably wasn’t the nicest thing to do but it was fun and Gabriel was pretty sure Cas secretly enjoyed it.

Sure enough a few moments later Castiel wandered into the kitchen. Gabriel watched out of the corner of his eye as Castiel looked from the bowl of cooked eggs on the table to the where he was standing. He was fairly certain Cas could feel his amusement with the situation. He could feel Castiel’s curiosity.

Castiel made his way over to Gabriel and brushed his hand against Gabriel’s arm. He peered into the pot and saw the eggs. That was when Gabriel felt confusion from Castiel. His plan was working perfectly. After a few moments of silence while Castiel rubbed Gabriel’s arm, Castiel asked, “Gabe, what are you doing?”

Gabriel decided to make Castiel work for an answer. He replied simply, “Boiling eggs, I am hungry.” He knew Castiel could feel that he was not being completely truthful. Gabriel had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing.

Castiel rolled his eyes and stated, “Whatever. You already have two dozen boiled eggs on the table. You’re not sleeping in the same bed as me if you eat all of those eggs.” Gabriel knew Castiel wasn’t being serious in his threat. Of course, Gabriel also knew Castiel wasn’t taking him seriously.

Still Gabriel pouted, “But you’re my scrawny cuddle bug.”

Cas raised an eyebrow and repeated, “Cuddle bug?”

Gabriel shrugged when he realized this wasn’t going the way he wanted. Castiel was about to get the upper hand in this banter and he couldn’t have that. Gabriel replied sweetly, “Yep, you’re my little cuddle bug. Don’t deny it, I know you like to cuddle.”

Castiel crossed his arms and stated, “So what are you really doing?”

Gabriel smiled and gave Castiel a kiss on the forehead. He pulled back and said playfully, “Well, I was thinking my cuddle bug and I could take these eggs over to the Winchesters.”

Castiel sighed and Gabriel could feel Castiel preparing a lecture. Castiel’s voice was sharp, “Gabriel, you are not going to egg their house with boiled eggs. That is just rude. Besides, Sam and Dean are our friends.” Castiel’s response was just what Gabriel wanted.

Gabriel chuckled and replied smugly, “We are going to decorate the eggs with Sam. Dean said that they didn’t decorate eggs for Easter last year and I suspect Sam has never done it before. Then I was thinking we can have an egg hunt with all of the eggs. Their uncle owns a lot of property behind the salvage yard. It would be perfect.”

Gabriel felt Castiel feel momentarily appeased then Castiel was on edge again. Castiel asked while pinching the bridge of his nose, “What if we don’t find all of the eggs? It is going to stink.”

Gabriel shrugged and stated, “That is why we are not hiding them in our backyard.” He gave his soulmate a smile and Castiel just shook his head.

Then Castiel leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Gabriel and whispered, “I love you.”

Gabriel kissed the top of Castiel’s head and whispered back, “I love you too, cuddle bug.”

Castiel groaned at the use of the term of endearment and Gabriel couldn’t help but laugh.

++

After the eggs cooled, Gabriel gathered the decorating supplies which he went a little overboard with according to Castiel. He figured it was okay because even though he said this was for Sam, Gabriel really wanted to decorate eggs too. It was immature but he liked doing it and he liked the way the dye would sometimes stain the egg white if the shell was cracked. It was a silly thing, but Sam gave him an excuse to release his inner child. Gabriel suspected Castiel knew this had as much to do with him wanting to decorate eggs as it did doing something nice for Sam.

They spread out all of the supplies on the dining room table at the Winchester’s house. Sam was watching them curiously and Dean was somewhat disinterested but sitting nearby. When Castiel poured out the vinegar to mix with the egg dye Dean whined, “It stinks in here now.”

Gabriel had to commend Castiel for never missing a beat. Castiel replied factually, “Actually vinegar is good for removing odors and once it dries it will leave no smell. Your gym socks may benefit from a wash in vinegar.”

Dean raised an eyebrow at Castiel and shook his head. He turned his attention to Sam and asked, “Sammy, do you understand what we’re doing here?” He knew his disagreement with Castiel wasn’t going to go anywhere and if he let himself get agitated Sam could feel it.

Sam fiddled with one of the eggs for a moment before he signed, “Decorating eggs so we can hide them.”

Dean chuckled and sat a bowl of dye in front Sam. He gave Sam an egg and said, “Dip the egg in. The longer it is in there the darker the color will get.” Dean watched Sam put the egg in the bowl with fascination. He could feel Sam’s curiosity but most of all Sam did not feel afraid. Dean wished Sam could have experienced this with Aunt Karen. Dean was certain Sam would have loved her.

++

John was not excited about the visit to the city today. It was time for Sam’s semiannual appointment to check his bone density and development. It was also time to start Sam on hormone therapy. Sam was quiet on the drive but Sam was always quiet. His son never tapped his fingers and walked so carefully it was hard to hear him enter a room. Sam had yet to make a single sound.

John would never admit it but he was envious of Dean. Dean got to hear Sam’s voice, even if it was the voice inside Sam’s head. It was how Sam pictured his voice to be. John longed to hear that as much as he longed to hear what Sam actually sounded like.  He knew it bothered Sam, not being able to talk. Sometimes, he saw Sam trying to make his lips move to make noise. Even when Sam coughed it was silent. John didn’t even know that was possible until Sam did it.

He knew Sam loved Dean deeply. It was just sometimes, John wondered if it was mutual. He was terrified of Dean hurting Sam. He had been warned by Ash to keep an eye on that. While, the bond Sam had with Dean was strong and Sam could protect Dean from pain, if Dean lashed out at Sam it could kill Sam. John wasn’t sure how to tell Dean that, so he just told Dean factually. It scared John to think that Dean’s infidelity and other questionable actions could kill his soulmate.

The visit to the doctor was long and stressful. Sam teared up when they gave him his first shot of hormones. John tried to comfort him but Sam wasn’t signing. Sam never signed when he was in an unfamiliar situation and scared. The doctor to his credit was very patient with Sam. He explained what the side effects of the medication would be. He explained how Sam might start to experience changes in his mood.

John saw confusion on Sam’s face when the doctor spoke about acne and the possibility of gynecomastia. He knew it was a lot for Sam to process, but he honestly thought doing the hormone therapy would give Sam the best chance of having a full life with Dean. John also thought Sam would be healthier with it.

It would take up to a year before puberty would start for Sam with the hormone therapy. Sam would get a monthly shot which John was able to arrange to be given at the doctor’s office back home. It would be something Sam would have to do for the rest of his life unless Sam decided to stop. John had no idea what Sam would choose to do as an adult. It made him angry to think that Azazel and Alistair were the ones that caused Sam to have to go through this.

John stopped at Garth’s apartment before heading back home. He sat at Garth’s kitchen table as he watched the boys talk in the living room. Sam signed to Garth, “I don’t understand why they are trying to change me. They keep saying there is something wrong with me. Azazel said the same thing that is why he hurt me. Do you think John and Dean are making me take these shots to hurt me? The doctor said it would make me feel different. I don’t want that. I don’t want to hurt.”

He was reminded of how grateful he was to have Garth in Sam’s life when Garth replied. Garth’s voice was sympathetic and he signed as he spoke, “Winnie, they would never hurt you. You know that. I get the same shot every month. It isn’t fun but it is something we need to do to be whole. It helps us get something back that Azazel took from us. It is us telling Azazel he didn’t win. Azazel tried to change you and by taking that shot every month you are telling Azazel no. It is brave of you to do the hormone therapy.”

Sam signed in response, “What happens if I don’t want to do it? Does that make me weak?”

Garth frowned and hugged Sam. He whispered, “You could never be weak. It would just mean that your bones wouldn’t be as strong. When you are able to talk again, your voice would be squeaky like mine and you would be scrawny like me. You wouldn’t gain muscle or have a deep voice like Dean. However, I think Dean will love you no matter what you decide.”

Sam huffed out a silent breath and signed, “I hate not being able to talk. I wish I could be like everyone else. I don’t understand what caused Mary to hate me enough to let Azazel do this to me.”

Garth didn’t speak. Instead he signed, “She hurt you because she is evil. But Sam she never took away your voice. You are talking to me right now. Your hands are your voice.”

++

While Sam was at the doctor’s office in the city, Dean decided to get his paperwork in order for college. He decided to stay home which meant going to the community college. Dean knew that he would have to transfer in two years to a university if he wanted anything more than an associate’s degree. However, Dean wasn’t sure. He wanted to take over his father’s auto repair business and his uncle’s salvage business.

Dean had some time to think about the future and he wanted stability for Sam. He didn’t want Sam to have to worry. Dean didn’t want to move hours away from Sam. He wanted to be near Sam. He hoped that in a couple years that maybe Sam could go with him to the university if not they would figure something out.

Bobby was staring at the course catalog with Dean in the admissions office. He asked Dean, “What are you going to study?”

Dean shrugged, “I don’t know. Business, I guess. I just want to be able to provide for Sam and I know I need an education to do that.” Dean honestly didn’t know. A business degree sounded extremely boring but if he wanted to take over his father and uncle’s businesses someday, he was going to need to know how to run a business. He didn’t know all the accounting, marketing, and other things that went along with running a business. Dean knew how to work on cars, keep the workspace clean, and provide customer service. Everything beyond that was currently outside of Dean’s grasp.

Bobby hummed and adjusted his ball cap. He gruffly said, “Okay, but you can always change your major. Happiness is more important than money besides Sam might get a job someday.”

Dean cut Bobby off with a feeling of possessiveness. “No, he won’t.” He wanted Sam to be safe and he didn’t want Sam to have to deal with the stress of having a job even if that was years down the road.


	40. Chapter 40

College was a lot like high school, Dean thought. It could be that he was going to a community college or it could be all the general education classes that reminded him of high school. There were also the social clicks which Dean didn’t have much interest in. The good thing about college was it wasn’t an all-day affair. He had a couple hours of classes each day and one class in the evening once a week.

It wasn’t bad and it gave him time to work at the repair shop with his dad. He also built a greenhouse on Bobby’s property for Sam. This way his little brother could have a garden year round. Dean could see how delighted Sam was by it and Sam even helped him build it. He did stipulate that zucchini can only be grown once per year. Dean was happy to build a greenhouse for Sam but he hated zucchini and there was always a ton of it when it grew.

Sam still wasn’t going to school like other people his age. He did attend two classes which Dean dropped him off for. Dean knew they were trying to ease Sam into it. The two classes were at the end of the day and Dean made sure his own classes didn’t conflict. He could feel if something went wrong and he wanted to be there for Sam.

His little brother was doing okay with the two classes. They were calculus and chemistry. Dean knew that the staff watched Sam closely to make sure he was managing and to keep the bullies at bay. Sam did have trouble with some of the experiments in chemistry. Anything involving fire upset Sam. Dean was fairly certain if Sam had to dissect something when he took biology at home that would have been an issue too.

Dean realized that Sam was smart. Despite everything that should have held Sam back, he was ahead in school. Sam was book smart. Socially Sam still struggled. Dean could tell Sam didn’t know how to react to people. He knew half the time Sam was still expecting someone to beat him and Sam still talked about how he was bad from time to time. But it was getting better, Dean was able to see Sam smile more and on very rare occasions Sam would make eye contact with people when he met them.

It was still hard for Dean, not to have a sexual relationship with anyone. He knew Sam wasn’t old enough for that and Dean wasn’t sure Sam would ever want to do that. He didn’t honestly believe that Sam thought anything sexual was meant to feel good. What worried Dean was that he knew Sam would probably let him have sex with him to please him. Dean didn’t want to take advantage of Sam like that.

The interesting thing Dean found was he was attracted to Sam but he wasn’t attracted to any other guys. Women caught his eye but none of them were as attractive as Sam. Dean thought this was a rather disturbing train of thought considering Sam was only fifteen.

Sam had been on hormone therapy for a year and to say it had not gone well would be an understatement. It wasn’t so much the shot that upset Sam, even though Dean knew Sam didn’t like going to get it. Sam would cry every single time he got a shot. It was the effects of the shot.

Dean noticed hair growth on his brother but more than that he noticed the feelings felt from Sam was different. Especially in the mornings when Sam woke up. That was the only time, Dean could feel arousal from Sam followed by unmistakable terror. He thought about asking why but he didn’t know what to say. He tried comforting Sam but Sam just flinched away like he had been burned. All Dean could do was sit on the floor and watch Sam curl up into a little ball and sob. It was one of the hardest things Dean had to do.

Sexually Dean was frustrated. He wanted to get laid or do something that didn’t involve his hand. It was becoming increasingly apparent that Sam would probably never want to engage in that sort of activity even though Sam might submit to it. His little brother couldn’t even get a hard on without having a meltdown. He thought about how to handle this respectfully and Dean couldn’t think of a way. He was very much aware that if he knew when Sam felt arousal that meant Sam knew when he felt the same.

That meant a lot of things to Dean. It made him realize that when he ditched Sam at a party years ago, Sam knew what he was doing even if he didn’t say it. Sam also knew what he was going to walk in on at that football game. His little brother even knew what he got up to when he wasn’t around and Sam probably knew every time Dean popped in a porn to watch. He did know that Sam would shy away from him when he felt turned on. He wondered if Sam would feel better if he had someone else to fill those needs and never burden Sam with that being part of their relationship.

Dean envied Castiel and Gabriel. They both clearly loved and trusted each other. They were around each other more than two people should be. Gabriel started attending a culinary school after he graduated high school. It was an hour and a half drive from where they lived, but Gabriel made the commute everyday rather than moving. His reason was simple. Gabriel wanted to go to sleep next to Castiel every night.

Dean didn’t sleep next to Sam every night. Sometimes, he would sleep on the floor by Sam but not always. His back just couldn’t handle it. Dean did sleep in the same room as Sam unless Sam shut him out that night. When permitted he would sleep on Sam’s bed. When he wasn’t permitted in Sam’s room because a locked door separated them, he laid on his own bed and held his chest as he felt Sam’s despair. 

He had a lot on his mind when he wandered into the auto shop after class. Dean started mindlessly working on cars when his dad walked up behind him. John stated calmly, “Dean, I want to talk to you.”

Dean put down his tools and followed his dad into his office. He sat down in a chair and his dad sat down behind the desk. John sighed and said calmly, “Alistair has sent Sam a letter from prison. I haven’t read it yet. I wasn’t sure if I should just trash it or if we should read it together and decide whether or not to let Sam read it.”

Dean frowned and wondered why his dad was asking his opinion on this. He picked up the letter and looked it. There was a sense of satisfaction that came from knowing Alistair wrote this in prison. Alistair was sentenced to life in prison with the possibility of parole as part of plea. It was done to prevent the victims from having to testify. Dean knew it was unlikely Alistair would ever get out of prison.

He tossed the unopened letter back over to his dad and said simply, “I don’t care what Alistair has to say. He is sick and he probably just wants to mess with us or Sam.”

John nodded in agreement and he tossed the letter in the trash. He ran his hands over his face and said, “I am glad we were on the same page with that. Sometimes, I don’t know how to do right by Sam and I feel like you know him better than me. Promise me, Dean, you won’t do anything to hurt him.”

Dean sighed and stated, “We both know I’ve screwed up and I have done things to hurt him. He is scared of me sometimes and I don’t know why. I just wish he would let me hold him or wipe away his tears but when he is upset he won’t let me near him. I feel like I am doing something wrong and I don’t know how to make it better. I wish I could promise that I would never hurt him, but I can’t. I don’t know how to make him feel safe.”

++

Gabriel was nervous. It was Castiel’s sixteenth birthday. He had spent the day baking Castiel a cake shaped like a honeybee. Castiel loved bees for reason’s Gabriel could never grasp. He made a happy birthday banner in black and gold for Cas. He made honey sweetened tea for everyone to drink at the party. It was a surprise party, but not a big one.

Gabriel only invited their close friends and family. He invited their father, but as per usual, their dad did not return his email. He tried not to let that dampen his mood. Gabriel decided against having everyone jump out and shout surprise when Castiel got home from school. Castiel was going to be with Sam and even though Sam knew about the surprise party, Gabriel didn’t want to startle Sam.

He sat down in the living next in between Michael and Joseph and fiddled with a small box. Michael whispered, “Don’t be nervous, Gabriel. He loves you.”

Gabriel shrugged and said quietly, “I just hope I am everything he needs me to be.”

++

Castiel was walking home from school with Sam. It was normal for them to do this and he liked having the chance to chat with Sam. He wasn’t sure if he was still going to walk after he got his driver’s license. Michael was taking him to take the test tomorrow. His older brother declined to take him on his birthday for an unstated reason. However, Castiel could guess the reason, Michael was worried about him failing and didn’t want to ruin his birthday with failure.

He unlocked the front door of the house and was surprised to see everyone. Jessica had already made it over, which wasn’t terribly surprising since she could drive. Some of his cousins were there, Michael, Joseph, Dean, Mr. Winchester, and Mr. Singer were all there. Gabriel was in the middle of all of them with a bright smile on his face.

Castiel looked around at all the bee themed decorations and he knew it was Gabriel’s doing. Gabriel spoke first, “Happy Sweet 16 Castiel.”

Castiel scowled at Gabriel and grumbled with embarrassment, “I am not a girl, but thank you.”

He listened to everyone’s birthday wishes and he stared at his bee cake. It was beautiful. After he got done staring at the cake, Gabriel insisted that they go on a walk with everyone following. Castiel agreed because he trusted Gabriel.

They walked for about a mile until they reached Soulmate’s Park. Castiel smiled and he knew right where his and Gabriel’s tree was. They wandered through the park until they found it. Once they reached the tree, Gabriel gave him a quick kiss on the lips and knelt down on one knee. Rationally, Castiel knew what was about to happen, but his mind was taken over with emotion.

Gabriel spoke softly and Castiel could tell he was trying not to cry. He could also feel that Gabriel was fearing rejection. “Castiel, I’ve loved you from the minute you were born. I remember Mom holding you in her arms and she said to me, ‘God answered my prayers, Gabriel. You will get to spend your life with your soulmate and so will Castiel.’” Gabriel paused to wipe his eyes and continued, “I have been grateful every day of my life that God answered our mother’s prayer. I know you never got to know her, Castiel, but she loved you. She died for you. I know she is watching us right now from Heaven and she is probably wanting me to just get on with it.”

Castiel laughed because he wasn’t sure what else to do. He wasn’t sure he could speak without breaking down if he wanted too.

Gabriel kissed Castiel’s hand and continued, “I love you, Castiel. You are smart and funny. You rein me in but you smile at my playfulness. You make me feel complete. Will you marry me, Castiel?”

Castiel looked at the open box Gabriel held in his hand. There was a simple golden ring inside of it that reminded Castiel of Gabriel’s eyes. He could feel Gabriel’s building nervousness so Castiel shook his head yes. Then he found his voice. It cracked when he said, “Yes, Gabriel.” He watched as Gabriel slipped the ring on his finger and it fit perfectly. Then Gabriel stood up and gave him a strong kiss on the lips. Castiel pulled back from the kiss and said, “I love you too.”

++

Dean found Castiel’s surprise party very sentimental for lack of a better word. He knew Gabriel was going to propose. He just didn’t think Gabriel was going to make such a big deal out of it. It wasn’t like Castiel could really say no. They were required by law to get married. Granted, Castiel could put it off for five more years but the law was still the law.

He was laying on the floor in Sam’s room. Sam was curled up under the desk and Dean was starting to wonder how Sam still fit under there. He looked at Sam and asked, “Why do you hide under there? You know I am not going to hurt you and we can lock the door to keep everyone out.”

Sam blinked at him a couple times and then Sam pulled himself out from under the desk. He signed, “I feel safer in a small space. It meant I wouldn’t get hurt.”

Dean nodded and did not move from where he was laying. “We can sleep on your bed. You can get the spot by the wall and I can be on the outside. Or we could make you a little pillow fort that would be more comfortable than where you are.”

Sam huffed out a silent breath and Dean smiled. He could feel that Sam was having trouble explaining himself. He was a little shocked by the bluntness in what Sam signed. “The only time I’ve ever been in a bed was when I was getting raped or molested. I don’t want that to happen to me again.”

Dean let out a slow breath and said very carefully, “First of all, I would never touch you without your permission and I would never rape you. For the record, I’ve never raped anyone or even thought about it. Second of all, beds are for sleeping, not terrorizing little boys. Third, it is my job to protect you from all the evil in the world so let me protect you. Please.”

Sam nodded slowly and signed, “Okay, but I still don’t want to sleep on the bed.”

Dean knew he wasn’t going to win that so he decided to try for a compromise. “Okay, why don’t you sleep next to me tonight on the floor but not under the desk? I’ll be closest to the door. I promise nothing is going to get you.”

Sam bit his lip and signed, “Will you hold me? I feel vulnerable in the open like that.”

Dean smiled and held out his hand, “Of course, Sammy.” Sam laid down with his back facing Dean. Dean turned to wrap his arms around Sam. They were effectively spooning. He could feel some fear and uncertainty from Sam but the contentment he felt from having his soulmate this close over powered it. Dean just hoped he didn’t have any wet dreams. 


	41. Chapter 41

Sam was sitting on the floor of Castiel and Gabriel’s room watching Cas look at wedding stuff. He had seen weddings on television and he had read about them. He had never actually been to a wedding. Sam wondered if John and Mary had a wedding. He wondered if he would have a wedding of his own when he married Dean.

Sam shuddered when he thought about Dean being his husband. He knew that meant they would have to do things together he didn’t feel ready to do. Sam was glad Dean wasn’t pushing him because he knew he would submit to Dean. He wanted to make Dean happy and if doing those things made Dean happy then he would. Sam knew how to make his mind go elsewhere when it was going on.

Castiel looked up from his book with a contemplative look on his face. He asked Sam, “Do you think Gabe and I should write our own vows or use the standard ones? The standard is to promise to love, honor, and obey or to love, honor, and cherish. I don’t want to say that I will obey Gabriel.”

Sam stared at Castiel for a moment. He knew vows were like a promise. He wondered what he would have to promise to Dean. Sam didn’t expect Dean to promise anything to him and Sam didn’t know what he had to offer Dean. He couldn’t really think of anything. Sam knew he loved Dean and he listened to Dean sometimes. He didn’t get hurt when he decided not to do as Dean asked, so he couldn’t picture himself promising to obey Dean.

He didn’t know how exactly someone honored someone. Sam knew Azazel had ideas about how he was supposed to show appreciation and he hoped he didn’t have to do that with Dean someday. The idea that Castiel and Gabriel could be doing something like that sent chills up Sam’s spine. He didn’t like the implications of that.

Sam didn’t know how he felt about promising that he would cherish Dean. He cherished the feelings he felt inside from Dean. It was sometimes the only thing that caused him to get up in the morning. However to cherish Dean as a person was different to Sam. That meant to Sam that Dean would be a possession to him and Sam didn’t want that. He never had anything of his own until he met John and someone owning another person just seemed wrong. He didn’t want to hurt Dean like that. He didn’t want to be like Azazel.

Sam was confused and Castiel was looking at him expectantly. He signed, “I don’t know. Dean and I aren’t like you and Gabriel.”

Castiel smiled and closed the book. He smoothed out the cover and said carefully, “Gabriel and I are very fortunate to have had Michael and Joseph raise us. I’ve never been treated like you. I can’t even imagine. My mother died to give me life. Your mother gave away your life like it didn’t matter. I would travel to the darkest corners of Hell for Gabriel and I know he would do the same for me. You’ve been to Hell, Sam and Dean wasn’t there to pull you out. Your father was.”

Sam frowned because Dean wasn’t there for him in the beginning. He remembered thinking that Dean hated him. He knew Dean was there for him more now but Sam knew deep down Dean didn’t want to be there. Dean was frustrated with him and Sam couldn’t understand why. He knew Dean wanted things from him that he either couldn’t give or Dean wasn’t willing to ask for. Sam just wished he knew what those things were so he could give that to Dean. He wanted Dean to be happy.

Sam signed carefully, “I think you are lucky to have Gabriel. I know I never asked you, but what happened to your parents?”

Castiel pulled a picture off the shelf and sat in front of Sam. It was a photo from a hospital room. There was a man, a sick looking woman, a baby, and a small boy. Sam looked up from the picture as Castiel started explaining. “That is Gabe and I with our parents. My mom got diagnosed with some type of cancer while she was pregnant with me. Michael said that she was told if she terminated the pregnancy she would live, if she didn’t she would die. My mom didn’t terminate me and she died a few hours after giving birth to me. Michael said she died with a smile on her face because she got to witness Gabe and me meeting each other. She wanted us to grow up knowing our soulmate because she never met hers.”

Sam nodded and signed, “Oh, what about your dad?”

Castiel sighed and stared at the ceiling. His voice was bitter, “When I was about one, the name of my father’s soulmate appeared on his arm. He moved cross country to be with her. He didn’t want to take us with him because he wanted a chance to bond with Becky. He thought her parents might frown on Gabe and I being soulmates. Dad wanted Joseph and Michael to move with him and he wanted to put us in foster care. Michael refused. Michael went to court and got guardianship of us. Joseph moved with father for a couple years and then he moved back in with Michael to help raise us. Father only talks to Joseph. He never responds to any emails any of the rest of us send.” Castiel paused and added, “That is the one thing you have that I don’t. Your father loves you.”

++

Dean thought he was going to be sick. He hadn’t seen Lisa since shortly after her run in with Sam and Jessica. Dean had stopped seeing her and eventually he stopped worrying about her. He liked Lisa a lot, probably more than he should have considering Sam should have been his focus. Now Lisa and her parents were in his living room. John was sitting next to Dean and there was a small child in Lisa’s arms.

Dean hung his head resolutely as Lisa’s dad began to speak. He didn’t sound angry per se but he wasn’t happy. “Lisa took off after she assaulted Jessica and said some things to Sam. Her mother and I do not condone her actions. We want you to know that we fully support Sam in his recovery from the trauma he suffered and we fully support that Dean is Sam’s soulmate. I want to apologize for any hardship my family has caused yours.”

John spoke up first. Dean could tell his dad didn’t like having the Braedens at their house. Sam was outside playing catch with Bobby. Neither Bobby nor Sam knew the Braedens were there. It was an unexpected visit. John’s voice had an edge to it but he was trying to be nice, “Thank you for your apologies. I would still like for your daughter to stay away from my sons, especially Sam.”

Lisa was frowning when Dean looked up and he wanted to leave. He wanted to go for a drive or lock himself in Sam’s room with Sam and take a page out Sam’s book and hide. Lisa was nervous when she spoke and Dean couldn’t look at her or the toddler in her arms. “Dean and I had relations… It resulted in me getting pregnant. Dean, this is your son. I named him Benjamin.”

Dean was pretty sure he just stopped breathing. He was going to get killed tonight by either his dad or uncle, possibly both. On top of that, he was going to break Sam’s heart. Assuming Sam knew how utterly and unforgivably wrong this was. He heard Lisa’s mother speak, “Lisa tried to hide Ben from us and from Dean. We feel that it is Dean’s right to know his son and to be part of Ben’s life.”

Dean got up to get some air. He stood and started to walk toward the kitchen and froze. He paled when he saw Sam and Bobby. He tried to say something but the words dried on his tongue. He knew Lisa wasn’t lying. Dean knew that even though she shouldn’t have been sleeping with him in the first place, she wasn’t a slut. He was the only one.  He was a father and he wasn’t sure what that made Sam. He wasn’t sure if that made Sam a step-father or uncle. He had no idea what role Sam would want in Ben’s life or if Sam could even handle being around small children.

He was screwed. He steadied his breathing and managed to utter out, “I am so sorry, Sammy. Please forgive me.”

Sam gave him a confused look and Bobby snapped, “What are you talking about?”

Dean took a deep breath and said shakily, “I..I am a father. Lisa and I have a son. His name is Ben.”  

++

Dean took his one year old son in his arms after he came back into the living room with Sam and Bobby. He knew Bobby was mad and Sam was just confused. Dean stared at the child and he couldn’t help but smile at the green eyes. Ben looked a lot like him but he had dark hair like Lisa. He couldn’t deny that they had the same eyes and Ben looked a lot like his baby pictures.

He spoke gently to Ben, “Hey Ben, I’m your dad. I promise I am going to be a good father to you. If I’m lucky I will get to be as good as father as your grandpa.”

Ben smiled at Dean and said a cheery, “Hi.” Then the toddler smacked Dean across the face. Dean blinked a couple times at Ben and realized parenthood was going to be hard.

++

They worked out a schedule for Dean to see Ben. Lisa was still breast feeding and Dean wasn’t sure how Sam would handle Ben staying overnight. They decided on Dean having Ben in the evening on Thursdays and every other weekend during the day. Eventually they would work up to overnights. Lisa had to work on being able to pump more milk and Sam had to adjust. The part about Sam having to adjust was left unsaid, but Dean as certain everyone knew.

Dean couldn’t deny that he still had feelings for Lisa and having a child with her complicated things. He wanted to be there for her and their son all the time but he couldn’t. Lisa had wronged his soulmate and Dean knew he had a responsibility to Sam that trumped that. Sam was his for all eternity. Lisa and Ben were not.

He was laying on the bed in Sam’s room when he glanced over at Sam. His soulmate was leaned up against the opposite wall and he could feel that Sam was still confused and hurt. Dean was tired when he asked, “Please tell me what you’re thinking, Sam. I am so sorry about all of this.”

Sam frowned and signed weakly, “I can feel your emotions. I know you want to be with Lisa and Ben. The only reason you are with me is because of John and God. I am not what you want and I understand that. I don’t want you to be miserable. I want you to be happy. I know Azazel destroyed everything I am so you wouldn’t love me and that is okay. I forgive him and I forgive you. Just please be happy.”

Dean sat up on the bed to look at Sam better. Sam was crying and he could feel despair from Sam. It hit Dean in that moment. Sam wanted to be loved by him. Sam probably didn’t know it, but it didn’t make it any less true. Dean ran his hands over his face and was adamant when he spoke, “Sam, I do love you. I tell you I love you every day and I wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true. You are my baby brother and my soulmate. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you. If you don’t want me to see Ben then tell me. I can make it work so I can see Ben without seeing Lisa if it will help you. I am not going to cheat on you again. I’m sorry I did that.”

Sam bit his lip. The tears were still rolling down Sam’s cheeks. He signed, “I am sorry, I can’t give you what she can.”

Dean crossed the room and pulled Sam into his arms. It felt nice to have Sam in his arms. It made him feel whole even though he could feel Sam’s discomfort with it. He pulled back from Sam slightly and gave Sam a small kiss on the lips. He felt Sam tense in his grip with the kiss and Sam felt surprised. Dean pulled Sam back up against him and whispered, “You are second to no one in my life. I am sorry, I ever made you feel that way. I love you. I promise, I love you.”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in getting this to you guys. I had a really bad headache for 3 days which doesn't do much for creative writing. Then, of course, I had to watch the season finale. It reminded me a lot of the season 4 finale. However, I am hopeful that we will see the return of the archangels next season.


	42. Chapter 42

Sam wasn’t sure to make of the toddler. Ben liked to pull his hair, slobber on him, and throw toys at him. The child also had a very loud scream that scared Sam. It made Sam wonder if he ever screamed like that when he was Ben’s age. If he did, Sam understood why Azazel broke him of making noise. The noise was nearly unbearable.

Being around a small child was confusing to Sam. He knew Ben understood the word no, but he didn’t understand any sign language. Ben would get upset with Sam when Sam didn’t use his voice to say hi back. Dean always had to try to explain to Ben that Sam didn’t talk. It left Sam feeling like a freak.

He understood Dean’s need to be around his son. Sam didn’t know what he would do without John and he didn’t want Ben to grow up without a father. Sam didn’t want Ben to suffer like him. He did notice that Dean and Lisa have been keeping their distance from each other, which he wasn’t sure how to take. Sam always felt a nervousness from Dean when Lisa was around.

It was Dean’s weekend with Ben but Sam was spending the weekend with Garth. Sam liked spending time with Garth and he was fairly certain Garth felt the same way. Garth still didn’t live with his soulmate and Sam had never met her. Sam did know that Garth got a settlement from Bessie’s family that allowed him to buy a small house in a nice neighborhood. Garth told Sam that he didn’t have to work anymore because of the settlement, but wanted to work for something to do. So Garth still worked at the grocery store stocking shelves.

Sam helped Garth build a fort, as Garth called it, on the floor of the living room with cushions from the sofa, pillows and some blankets. Sam knew this was where they would sleep tonight. He was excited about because inside this little fort was one of the times Sam felt the safest. He never talked about it Dean to see if Dean would do something similar because he didn’t think Dean would care.

His feelings toward Dean were complex. Sam was glad to get away from all of that for a weekend. He settled down in the makeshift fort with Garth. They had flashlights, candy, popcorn, and soda. Sam knew they would undoubtedly talk until the early hours of the morning.

Garth was struggling to open a package of gummy bears when he asked, “So how are things with Dean? I heard about Benjamin. Was he conceived before you were rescued?”

Sam took the package of gummy bears from Garth. He used his teeth to rip open the package and handed it back. Then he signed, “No, it was after I came home. Dean was in a relationship with Lisa since before I was rescued. He didn’t cut it off for me. I didn’t really expect him too. I know Gabriel, John, and Bobby expected him to do that. I heard them arguing about it sometimes.”

Garth chewed on a gummy bear while he contemplated what to say. He didn’t want to come off as negative and it did seem like Dean was trying to be there for Sam now, more so than Dean was in the beginning. However, if Dean was cheating on Sam. It could literally kill Sam or make him ill because of the bond. Carefully Garth asked, “Is he still cheating on you?”

Sam shrugged and ate some popcorn before signing. “I don’t think so. I think he wants to be with Lisa because they have a son together but he can’t because of me. I am in the way. I don’t understand Ben but I understand Dean’s need to be a father to him. Sometimes, I feel like it would be better if I never got rescued. Dean would be happier.”

Garth hummed for a moment and then he said quietly, “I wouldn’t be happier. Getting you out of that place was more important to me than anything. You don’t have to live your life with Dean if you don’t want to. I don’t live with Bessie. We are still married and you will have to marry Dean. However, you can still live your own life. You can go to college and do whatever you want.”

Sam frowned and signed, “Dean doesn’t want me to go to college. I only go to school for two classes and Dean hovers over me for those. He wants me to stay at home. I think he wants to keep me away from the world because I am bad. He gets possessive of me when I am around over people. I know he doesn’t like me coming here or over to Castiel’s house, but he won’t speak out against John.”

Garth ate some popcorn while he thought about what Sam said. He didn’t know Dean well. When he first met Dean, he thought Dean was a dick. He didn’t think Dean was intentionally hurting Sam at the time, however since learning about Dean’s cheating Garth felt differently. Sleeping with Lisa was a poor choice on Dean’s part, Garth knew this. He knew that even though Sam tried to downplay it, Sam’s feelings were hurt. Sam may not understand the complexities of relationship well, but Garth was certain Sam understood what Dean did was wrong.

Garth asked, “What do you want to do, Sam?”

Sam fiddled with a gummy bear for a few moments before putting it down. He signed, “I want to go to high school like everyone else. I know I got bullied before but I think I am learning how to handle myself better or maybe the other students got talked too. I don’t know, but I want to try. I want to be lawyer so I can advocate for the soulmate laws to be over turned. That way maybe things like what happened to me and you won’t happen as much. No one should be forced to marry someone.”

Garth smiled and stole Sam’s gummy bear. He ate it and asked, “Have you talked to your dad about that?”

Sam shook his head no and signed, “No, I don’t want to upset Dean. I don’t want him to hurt me.”

Garth’s smile faltered and he asked, “Has Dean ever hit you?” He knew if Dean had, he was going to have words with John.

Sam signed, “No, but when Dean gets upset he grabs me. The last time.. The last time he kissed me on my lips. I was so scared and surprised. I thought he was going to.. I thought he was going to do things like what Azazel did to me. I think Dean wants to have sex with me. I just don’t feel ready to do that again.”

Garth hummed in agreement and he was certain or at least he hoped he was certain that Sam misinterpreted Dean’s intent. He stated calmly, “You are fifteen, Sam. You don’t need to worry about having sex right now.”

Sam scrunched up his brow and signed, “It is not that. I read that I should do that with one person and I can’t give that to Dean. I don’t feel worthy. I read that I should love that person and I do love Dean. He says he loves me but he doesn’t show it. He tries to control me and he forced himself on me when I was upset. That isn’t like the love I’ve read about.”

Garth sighed, “You need to tell Dean what you want. He can’t be better if he doesn’t know.” Garth really hoped that was true and did not backfire.

Sam slumped his shoulders in defeat. He signed, “I can’t. He’ll hurt me.”

++

Dean spent the day with Ben and it was good, exhausting but good. He wished Sam was there but Sam was spending the weekend with Garth. Dean didn’t like Sam spending so much time with Garth. He was worried that Garth might try to do things to Sam like Azazel did because that was what Garth had been exposed to.  Dean mentioned that to his dad once and got royally chewed out.

He drove Ben to Lisa’s apartment and knocked on the door. Lisa opened the door dressed in lingerie. Dean wanted to run. He ran his eyes over her body and he quickly looked away. Dean focused attention on Ben. He asked Ben happily, even though he was faking happiness, “Are you ready to say bye?”

Ben nodded and said, “Bye.” His son followed with a wave of goodbye that ended in a slap to Dean’s face. Dean wasn’t sure if that was just Ben’s way or if that was something Lisa taught Ben to torment either him or Sam. Dean thought either was a possibility.

Dean gave his son a kiss on the cheek and said, “Bye Ben. I love you and I’ll see you tomorrow.” Dean handed Ben over to Lisa who scooped him up in her arms. He turned his attention to Lisa as he brushed down Ben’s hair. He decided to keep everything business like, “Ben was good today. We spent some time working on sign language so he can talk to Uncle Sammy. He ate about an hour ago. He even ate his carrots.” Dean thought making his son eat vegetables was cruel but John insisted on it.

Lisa smiled at Dean and Dean looked away. He really wished she would put a robe on or something. Her voice was soft and Dean knew she was trying to seduce him. “Do you want come in for few minutes?”

Dean swallowed and shook his head no. He stated, “Um no, I have some work to do at the shop.”

Lisa frowned and reached out a hand. She brushed it over Dean’s face and Dean closed his eyes to the touch. She whispered, “We used to have so much fun together, Dean. Why did that all have to change?”

Dean let out a slow breath and moved her hand away. He calmly said, “Lisa, you’re the mother of my child. Please don’t make this anymore awkward than it already is. Sammy is the only person I want to be with. You knew that when we started messing around. All I want is to be a good soulmate to Sam and a good father to Ben.”

Lisa nodded and stated, “Your loss.”

Dean grinned and huffed out a breath. He calmly stated, “Good night, Lisa.” He focused his eyes on Ben, who was resting his head on his mother’s shoulder, “Hey buddy, I will see you tomorrow bright and early.” Then he turned and walked away. It was one of the hardest things Dean had to do. Ben had the chance to have a happy little family with both a mom and a dad all of the time. However, Dean couldn’t give Ben that no matter how much he wanted to work things out with Lisa. Dean knew he had to stay committed to Sam.

++

Gabriel picked Sam up from Garth’s house with Castiel on Sunday evening. He volunteered to pick Sam up because they were in the city doing wedding shopping. Gabriel never knew so much went into a wedding. He was starting to regret not getting eloped like most soulmates do but he wanted to give Castiel something special. Castiel deserved that and more.

They stopped at a diner on the way home for dinner. Gabriel ordered pancakes because it was sweet and it didn’t look like he was just eating sweets. He knew Castiel saw right through his ploy but Castiel’s meal choice wasn’t any better. He ordered a burger and Sam ordered a salad.

Once they had their food Gabriel asked, “Sam, why do you always order a salad?”

Sam shrugged and signed, “It is colorful. I like colors and it tastes good.”

Gabriel laughed and said happily, “I think Dean and Cas would argue that burgers are colorful.”

Castiel looked up from his burger and said defensively, “It has vegetables on it.”

Sam and Gabriel both smiled at Castiel. Then Sam signed, “I learned how to do something this weekend, but you can’t tell Dean or John.”

Gabriel paused eating his pancakes for a moment. He nodded his head in agreement but he knew he would probably end up telling John if it was something unfavorable. Gabriel didn’t want Sam learning how to do things that would get him in trouble. Gabriel figured he did enough getting in trouble for Castiel and Sam combined. Gabriel cleared his throat and said, “I won’t say a word, kiddo. What did you learn?”

Sam smiled and opened his mouth. He made an, “Ah,” sound.

Gabriel dropped his fork in shock of Sam actually making a sound. He was excited and he did want to tell John and Dean. He looked at Castiel who as smiling and he could feel that Cas was just as surprised as he was. He couldn’t get the smile to leave his face when he said, “That is amazing, Sam. I hope your first world is Gabriel.” He watched Sam smile back at him for a moment and then he asked, “Why don’t you want Dean and your dad to know?”

Sam frowned briefly before smiling again. “I think they will pressure me into doing more and I can’t. I’ve tried. I don’t want to disappoint them. Dean gets mad when he is disappointed.”

Gabriel picked up his fork and said firmly, “Your secret is safe with us. Right, Cas?”

Castiel looked at Gabriel in the eyes and nodded. He stated slowly, “Yes, Gabriel.” He knew Castiel was going to tell Michael and probably Joseph just by the way Castiel agreed. However, Gabriel knew his older brothers would handle it gently but John would know by the end of the week. 


	43. Chapter 43

John found out from Michael that Sam had made a sound while he was with Gabriel and Castiel. John was a little surprised to learn that Sam didn’t want him or Dean to know. He wondered if it was the times he made Sam go to speech therapy that caused his son not to trust him. John knew he had to clear somethings up with Sam in that regard, but he had to wait. He had to wait until Sam made a sound around him or decided to talk to him about it.

John decided not to tell Dean. He wanted to let the two boys work that one out on their own. He had other things he wanted to talk to Dean about. Garth voiced some concerns to him about Dean’s protectiveness of Sam. John knew Dean was little over protective of Sam. John knew he was over protective of Sam. They had lost Sam for so long and he didn’t want to lose Sam again.

He arranged for Ash to talk with both Sam and Dean together. John knew Dean was stubborn to his core; it was a Winchester trait that John hoped lived inside of Sam somewhere. He didn’t think Sam’s resistance to talk to Dean about things that were bothering him had anything to do with stubbornness. Rather, he thought it was the submissive stance Sam had learned with Azazel. Hopefully, Ash would be able to get Sam to open and Dean would listen.

John dropped both of the boys off at Ash’s house. Dean looked at him with questioning eyes. “This is Sam’s therapist?”

John shrugged and stated, “Sam likes him. He is a little eccentric but be nice. Ash is literally the only therapist that knows sign language and would take on Sam’s case. Your brother also trusts him, don’t ruin this for Sam.”

Dean rolled his eyes and mumbled, “Okay Dad.”

++

Dean stepped inside Ash’s house and eyed guy with the mullet. He didn’t know what to say, but Sam did. His soulmate signed, “Hi Ash, this is Dean. He is my soulmate and my big brother.”

Dean smiled and replied, “Hi.” He didn’t know what else to say and he felt like an idiot. He just wanted this to be over.

Ash smiled brightly and sat down a can of off brand root beer. He burped and signed as he spoke. “Sorry dudes. It is nice to meet you, Dean.” Ash turned his attention to Sam and asked as signed, “So boss, where do you want to sit today?”

Sam grinned at Ash. Then he signed, “The pool table.” Dean raised an eye brow but said nothing. A few minutes later they were sitting on the pool table with billiard balls rolling around between them. Dean thought this was strange but he felt happiness from Sam.

Ash rolled the black eight ball to Sam and said calmly, “Okay, here are the ground rules. We are all free to talk about whatever we want, but we don’t hold it against each other after we leave here. This is about understanding each other in a safe environment, not about hurting each other.”

Sam signed, “Okay,” with a smile on his face.

Dean frowned as Sam rolled the eight ball to him. He said with uncertainty, “Alright.” Dean really had no idea what he agreeing too. He was glad this was only going to be an hour of his life.

Simple questions passed back and forth between them. Dean talked to Ash about college and about the things he has done for Sam like building him a greenhouse. Then the questions got a little more serious. Ash asked Sam, “How do you feel about Dean having a son?”

Sam shrugged and signed, “I don’t know. Sometimes, I am angry and I know I shouldn’t feel that way. I feel like Dean must hate me to have a child with someone. He gave his purity away like it was nothing. I wish I had the chance to give mine away freely. If I did, I would want my soulmate to have it but that choice was taken from me.”

Ash interjected and said reassuringly, “Sam, it is okay to feel angry. You have a lot to be angry about. Anger is a perfectly valid emotion for you to feel. You cannot truly feel happiness without also feeling anger.”

Dean wanted to bury his head in the sand when Sam started signing again. He kept his eyes open so he could see what Sam was signing. “Other times, I feel like Dean being with Lisa was the right thing to do. I am impure and I am ugly. He had the chance to have something pure with Lisa and he took it. Dean deserved that. Even if, Azazel didn’t castrate me, Dean and I could not have children together because we are of the same gender. Dean had a better chance of having a complete life with Lisa. I feel like I am in the way and that it would be better if I was back in that place. I wouldn’t be able to hurt Dean.”

Dean stared at Sam in disbelief for a few moments before he finally found his voice. It was a little shaky when he said, “It did hurt me when you were with Azazel. It hurt me every single day. I could feel some of what you were going through. I didn’t know the details at the time, but I knew you were getting hurt and I knew that you weren’t surrounded by people that loved you. It kills me to think about you in that place with that monster.”

Ash interjected again and asked, “Dean, how do you feel about Sam’s feelings toward you fathering a son with Lisa?”

Dean blew out a slow breath and stated, “I think Sam has every right in the world to be pissed. Hell, if it was turned around I am sure I would be furious. I never cared that much about my purity like Sam does. I don’t know if that was crap that Azazel fed into him, what he read about how the world works, or both. I have no excuse for my behavior.” Dean hoped that would end his line of questioning.

Much to Dean’s dismay it did not. Ash asked, “Why did you enter into a relationship with Lisa and why did you continue it after Sam was rescued? My understanding was he was in pretty rough shape and Sam has never talked about you being there in the beginning.”

Dean swallowed and stated nervously, “I wasn’t there for him in the beginning. I was an asshole to him. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, Sammy, but I remember looking at you in the hospital bed and just wanting you fixed. I didn’t want what I saw in that hospital bed to be my soulmate. I wanted someone to fix you and deliver you to me once that was done. I was cruel to Sam. He wasn’t my priority and I felt like Sam was burden.”

Dean glanced over and saw that Sam was crying. He wanted to reach out for Sam, but he stopped himself. He thought they might fall off the pool table if he did. Ash asked curiously, “What changed?”

Dean gave a nervous laugh, “We used African dream root and I was able to see inside Sam’s head. I understood him then but I still wasn’t fully there for him. Gabriel kicked my ass for being a shitty soulmate and that got the message across a little bit. However, it wasn’t until Lisa directly threatened Sam that I woke up and realized how much I was wronging Sam. Sam didn’t come to me for comfort. He went to our dad or uncle. I decided that I needed to put Sam first and protect him from people like Lisa. Now, he has to deal with Lisa for the rest of our lives so I guess I didn’t do a very good job.”

Dean was starting to feel more and more like an ass and just explaining himself in front of Sam hurt. He could feel how much the truth hurt Sam. Ash turned his attention to Sam and asked, “How do you feel about hearing this?”

Sam wiped his tears with the back of his arm. He was wearing short sleeves today which was rare from him. Dean stared at the scars covering Sam’s arms. Dean wished he could have stopped that from happening. Sam signed, “I always knew that to be the case. It just hurts to actually hear it. It just makes me want to find a way not to be in Dean’s way anymore.”

Dean sharply said, “You are not in my way. I was wrong. I am sorry. There is nothing more important than you.”

Sam signed, “Ben needs a father. That is pretty important.”

Dean rolled his eyes and said firmly, “Yes, he does. However, you are my soulmate. You come first.”

Sam bit his lip and signed, “I shouldn’t. I’m not worth it.”

Ash interjected as he pushed the balls around the pool table. “Sam, how do you feel about Dean’s protectiveness toward you?”

Sam frowned and Dean could feel Sam inner struggle with coming up with the right way to word this. Fortunately Sam didn’t have to come up with a way. Dean’s vision shifted to Sam’s and he could hear what Sam was thinking. _“How am I supposed to tell him I want more freedom? He’s going to hold me down like he always does when I get upset. I don’t want that. I probably shouldn’t ask for that anyways. I probably can’t handle it. I wish Dean didn’t have to put up with me. I know he hates having a broken soulmate.”_

Before Sam could actually put his thoughts into words, Dean asked, “When I give you a tight hug, you think I am holding you down?” Dean’s vision changed back to his own.

Sam nodded and signed, “When you hold me like that, I can’t tell you no. You have my arms pinned down. If I struggle, you hold me tighter. I think sometimes that you are going to start hurting me like Azazel did. I won’t be angry if you feel you to beat me to get me under control.”

Dean became defensive and said, “Jesus Christ! Sam, I am not going to beat you ever. I am not like that. You always talk about wanting me to be happy. Well, I want the same thing for you.” He paused and glanced up at Sam who was trembling. Dean let out a slow breath and stated a little calmer, “How about I don’t hug you without your permission?”

Sam signed, “I would like that.”

++

Dean found out a lot about Sam during their joint therapy session. He was fairly certain, he hurt Sam with what he had to say but he hoped Sam understood that he had changed. Dean was trying to give Sam more space without hovering over him. Right now, Sam was walking to Castiel’s house by himself and Dean was terrified. It was taking everything in him not to follow behind to make sure Sam was okay. He could feel Sam and he knew Sam was fine. His soulmate was a little nervous but that was all.

Dean sighed and looked at Ben who was playing with blocks on the floor. He asked his son, “Do you think Uncle Sammy loves you?”

Ben looked up and said, “Ah?” Then he slammed a block down followed by picking up a different block to chew on.

Dean smiled and reached out his hands to tickle his son. He tickled Ben’s belly for a few moments as he listened to the boy giggle. It made Dean long to hear Sam’s laugh. He doubted he would ever hear it though. As he tickled he asked Ben, “Do you think we can get Uncle Sammy to laugh?”

Ben giggled and said, “Ah!”

Dean bent down and blew raspberries on Ben’s belly. He got hit in the head with failing arms and legs, but Ben’s laughter made it worth it. He leaned up and said, “Okay Ah Monster, what do you say we work on teaching you some signs?”


	44. Chapter 44

Gabriel stood in front of a full length mirror and he was scared. He wore a white tux. The tux color was Castiel’s choice. His vest and tie were bright blue that Gabriel thought brought out Castiel’s eyes. The vest and tie color was Gabriel’s choice. Gabriel took a deep breath and checked his pocket to make sure he had his vows. He had tried to memorize them the night before, but Michael told him to keep a copy with him just incase he forgot.

He tried to pull himself together when he felt a pat on his back. Gabriel glanced in the mirror and saw Michael standing behind him. His brother smiled brightly and said happily, “You look more nervous than Castiel. He is fretting about his hair. He says it won’t do anything.”

Gabriel shrugged and said, “I like the ruffled look to his hair. It is cute and I can’t mess it up.”

Michael chuckled and patted Gabriel on the back again. “Father is here with Becky. I wanted to be sure that you don’t want Father to play a role in your wedding.”

Gabriel rolled his eyes and stated, “He gave me away when I was five and he gave Castiel away when he was one. He’s never been much of a father to me or Castiel. I don’t even really remember him. I remember Joseph talking for him, but that is about it. I wish I could tell you about some good memory with him but I don’t have one.”

Michael frowned and straightened Gabriel’s tie in the mirror. Michael kept his eyes locked with Gabriel’s in the mirror was he spoke. “When Castiel was born, it was a rough time for Father. He lost Mother only hours after Castiel was born. He lost this joy for life and if reflected in how he cared for you and Castiel. Truth be told, he could barely look at Castiel. I think he blamed Castiel for Mother’s death. I don’t know how he is going to react to Castiel now, just try not to be too protective of Castiel. It embarrasses him.”

Gabriel pulled on the cuffs of his jacket and retorted, “He abandoned us. Can we just ignore him?”

Michael shook his head no and said firmly, “You and Castiel can take a few minutes out of the evening to talk to him. Be polite and don’t French kiss Castiel in front of him.” Gabriel grinned because now he had plan.

++

The wedding itself was simple as Castiel insisted. Gabriel did win some battles, but not many. Well, the only battle Gabriel won was their wedding favors were candy and there cake had sugar flowers instead of fondant. Although, the cake wasn’t really a battle since Gabriel made it.

Neither of them got walked down the aisle. Instead they each walked in from a separate side. They didn’t have groomsmen because Castiel didn’t want to pick favorites with his friends and cousins. Just as Gabriel suspected, Castiel looked stunning and he was as handsome as ever.

Gabriel held both of Castiel’s hands during the ceremony. He could barely speak when the preacher asked Gabriel to read his vows. Gabriel’s voice cracked, “Castiel, I promise to take care of you in this life and in the next. I promise to love you above all else now and forever. I promise to put your needs above my own and to protect you with all the light of my soul. I promise to remember every day that I am the luckiest man in the universe because Castiel Novak is my soulmate. I love you, Cas.”

Castiel smiled and let go of Gabriel’s hand. Gabriel knew Castiel was trying to wipe away his tears so Gabriel reached up his own hand and wiped away the stray tears. He smiled and whispered, “I even promise to wipe away your tears.”

Castiel laughed slightly but Gabriel knew he was still nervous. Slowly, Castiel pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. Gabriel couldn’t help but smile because Michael had given Castiel the same advice.

Castiel breathed out slowly before he started speaking and he wrinkled the paper in his hands. He whispered, “I don’t know what to say.”

Gabriel smiled and said calmly, “Just read what you wrote down, you’ll be fine.”

Castiel nodded and nervously started to read, “I promise to be your best friend like you have always been mine. I promise to love your quirks like you love mine. I promise to be by your side through life and death and through Heaven or Hell. I will never leave you. I will never love another like I love you. Gabriel, you have loved and protected me since the moment I was born. I promise to love you, even if the day comes you’re the one that needs to be protected. I love you, Gabriel.”

Gabriel didn’t wait for the preacher to tell them to kiss. He reached out a hand and wrapped it gently around the back of Castiel’s neck. He pulled Castiel in for a nice, slow, and deliberate French kiss. Gabriel hoped his father was enjoying the show.

++

Castiel enjoyed his wedding. He was surrounded by their friends and family. He was nearly certain he had said hello to everyone with Gabriel. Castiel was ready to head back to the motel and lose his virginity already. Yes, Gabriel not only made him wait until he was sixteen but until they were legally married. If it wasn’t for Gabriel deciding that hand jobs didn’t count as sex at some point after Castiel’s sixteenth birthday, Castiel thought he might scream or more likely pout.

Castiel made his way over to where the cake was. He opened a cooler on the floor and pulled out a soda. Castiel didn’t want sparkling grape juice and he found punch gross. They decided to provide canned sodas instead. He stood back up to see an older man slightly shorter than him staring at him. Castiel did not remember greeting this man, nor did he know who he was. The man did look vaguely familiar.

He smiled and said nervously as he fumbled with the lid of his soda, “Hi, you must know Gabriel somehow? It is really good to have you here.” Castiel smiled and felt like a fool. He was also confused because he thought he knew all of Gabriel’s friends, but maybe this was someone Gabe met at culinary school.

The man frowned and instead of speaking he signed, “I am your father, Castiel. I don’t know why I am signing to you. I doubt your brothers taught you this.”

Castiel sat his soda down on the table. He scanned the room for Gabriel and saw him talking to their cousin Balthazar. Balthazar travel abroad and tended to pickup the accent from wherever he traveled. Castiel had no doubt Gabriel was hearing about his latest trip. He hoped Gabriel could feel his discomfort. He caught Gabriel’s eye after no more than a couple seconds.

Castiel turned back to his father as Gabriel made his way over. Castiel signed as he spoke bluntly, “I know exactly what you’re saying. You’ve aged from last pictures I saw of you. I am glad you were able to make it our wedding. I wish you would have made it to Gabriel’s graduation or anytime really.”

Gabriel came up behind Castiel and wrapped an arm around him. He kissed Castiel’s cheek and looked at his dad. He tried to sound upbeat when he said, “Hey Father, I haven’t seen you in fifteen years. How have things been?” He didn’t bother signing. He knew his father could read lips.

Their father eyed them for a moment before signing. “Things are good. Becky is pregnant with our first child. She received the announcement for your wedding and insisted that we come. I am afraid she finds a Sam Winchester quite fascinating. She’s never met someone her age that is mute. Sam’s soulmate, Dean, seems very polite.”

Castiel felt a little sorry for Sam in that moment and he hoped Dean was fielding questions. Somehow, he didn’t put it past Dean to ditch Sam. Then Castiel’s brain went back online and he realized that his father had just stated that his fifteen year old soulmate was pregnant. Castiel thought he was going to throw up. He wondered how young Becky was when they started fooling around. Castiel figured it was probably long before Gabriel would even touch him.

It suddenly made sense to Castiel why Gabriel was always so careful and why Gabriel insisted on waiting. Gabriel was protecting him.

++

Sam was sitting in the corner trying to stay away from everyone. Dean and John were socializing. Sam opted to sit down instead of joining them. Talking to strangers made Sam uncomfortable. Unfortunately for Sam, Becky came and sat down next to him.

Sam noticed her swollen belly but didn’t mention it. She talked fast. “Hi, I am Becky. I am Gabriel and Castiel’s step-mother even though I am younger than them.” She squeezed her arms down and squealed. She got a serious look on her face and said, “It is such an honor to finally meet them. Chuck talked about Gabriel all the time.”

Sam wondered why Chuck didn’t talk about Castiel, but he didn’t ask. He thought she might know sign language since Joseph said his father was deaf. Becky continued talking, even though Sam didn’t sign anything. “So I’ve known Chuck my whole life. I moved in with him when I was 13 and now I have our first baby cooking inside me. We didn’t want to wait with Chuck being older and all.” She paused and laughed, “How rude of me! What is your name?”

Sam frowned and signed, “Sam.”

Becky looked around and straightened herself so she was facing Sam more. The move made Sam uncomfortable, like he was getting boxed in. She asked seriously, “Are you deaf or do you just know sign?”

Sam gave her a confused look and then he signed, “I can hear. I am mute. Joseph taught me sign language.” He didn’t know how much he wanted to go into but talking about Joseph who was one of Chuck’s sons seemed like a safe topic.

Becky smiled and seemed pleased, “I didn’t know Joseph taught sign language to kids. Chuck used to only let Joseph speak for him. I remember Joseph coming to visit some when I was younger. Then he stopped coming but I was never sure why.”

Sam knew from talking with Castiel that reason Joseph stopped visiting had to do with Chuck’s attitude toward Castiel and Gabriel. Sam signed, “Chuck is your soulmate?”

Becky nodded enthusiastically and leaned in to say, “Yes, he is and he is so hot. Have you seen him? He’s amazing!”

Sam smiled and nodded while he desperately wanted to get away from her. This was more uncomfortable than the times Meg dressed him in dresses and did his hair and makeup. Meg liked to turn him into a giant doll sometimes. He could blank out when that was going on. He couldn’t blank out with this social banter.

Becky grinned and touched Sam’s shoulder. It caused Sam to flinch away and he looked at her with scared eyes. She looked apologetic as she pulled her hand away. “Sorry, I was going to ask you if you found your soulmate?”

Sam nodded his head and signed, “Yes, he is somewhere around here. His name is Dean and he is my older brother.” Sam looked up to see Dean heading back over toward him. He figured Dean must have felt his fear.

Becky looked briefly sad before she collected herself, “Oh, like Gabriel and Castiel? I thought that was uncommon?”

Sam didn’t have to reply because Dean sat down next to him. Dean reached out an arm and sat it on Sam’s shoulder. Sam knew it was an invitation to move closer to Dean and shift away from Becky who was making him uncomfortable. He shifted slightly toward Dean and was relieved that Dean kept his hand lax on his shoulder. Sam didn’t feel trapped and he felt like he had room to breathe or hide.

Dean replied to Becky’s question, “I don’t know how common it is. Gabe and Cas are the only other set of soulmates I know like us.” Dean paused and changed subjects because this had the danger of going into subject matter he would rather not dig up. “How far along are you?”

++

Gabriel was pacing back and forth across the motel room. Castiel was glaring at him on the bed. He heard Castiel repeat, “Why do you have to be penetrated instead of me? I want that to be me.”

Gabriel sighed, “I don’t want to hurt you. I touched myself there and if felt very unpleasant.”

Castiel rolled his eyes and flopped back. He wanted to cry, literally. He had waiting so long to have sex and now as it turned out, it was going to be painful for one of them. Of course, Gabriel didn’t want him to be the one who got hurt but Castiel couldn’t hurt Gabriel either. Castiel threw a pillow over his face when he realized they were going to be giving each other hand jobs for the rest of their lives.

Gabriel pulled the pillow of Castiel’s face and said triumphantly as he pulled out his cell phone. “I can call Dean. Dean was something of a slut. I am sure he knows how to have anal sex without damage or pain and if Dean doesn’t know Sam might.”

Castiel stared at Gabriel for a moment and repeated slowly, “If Dean doesn’t know, you are going to ask a rape victim how his rapist raped him with tearing him? You do realize Sam was twelve if not younger the first time that happened and I doubt Azazel cared if it was painful for Sam.”

Gabriel cringed and relented, “I didn’t look at it like that. I’m sorry. I’ll just see if Dean knows.”

Gabriel dialed Dean’s number and waited a few rings before Dean answered, _“Hello.”_

Gabriel breathed out a sigh of relief and said, “Oh thank god Dean, I need to know how to have anal sex?”

There was silence on the other end of the line for about a minute. Then Dean said carefully, _“You waited until your wedding night to ask how to have anal sex?”_

Gabriel pinched the bridge of his nose and pleaded, “Please Dean.”

Dean sighed and stated clearly, _“First and foremost, I don’t want details. I don’t want to know who did what and do not share it with Sam. It’ll traumatize him more. Anyways, you’ll need lubricant. You can get some at the drug store if you didn’t pack any. You’ll want to slowly work a finger in and keep it well lubricated. It may hurt a little, but poke around until you find the prostate. You’ll know when you find it. It will feel good, really good. Then just keep working fingers in until you’re up to three or four depending on your…size.”_

Gabriel sighed out a relieved breath and asked, “Is that it?”

Dean was silent and Gabriel heard him walking followed by the sound of a door closing. Dean was quiet when he spoke, _“Sorry, Sam just got out of the shower and I didn’t want him to hear me talking about this. Anyways, that is pretty much it. Just remember the lubricant. More is better and it isn’t like you’ll have to wash the sheets.”_  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick note to clear things up, Castiel is 16 and Gabriel is 20. I picture this happening in late January or February so Dean would be twenty while Sam would still be 15. (Sam's birthday is in May.)
> 
> Thanks for all the amazing comments and if you haven't figured out by now, I changed my mind about skipping ahead in the time line.


	45. Chapter 45

Sam laid in the backyard staring at the sky. This was one of his favorite things in life. It was a simple thing that he never knew until he was free. Sam found that while the clouds in the sky were pretty during the daylight. It was the stars in the sky at night that Dean enjoyed. Sam enjoyed them too, if Dean was there.

Sometimes Dean would talk about the different consellations as they stared at the sky and Sam wouldn’t sign anything. Other times, they would just lay out there in silence for hours and take in the night’s sky. The quiet times were Sam’s favorite. Sometimes Sam would rest his head on Dean’s shoulder. He didn’t do this often but sometimes he just wanted to be held. Being out in the open, the warmth of Dean’s body, and the contented feeling Sam got from Dean made him feel safe. Dean never touched him in an unwanted way when they laid out there. It was like Dean knew the unspoken rule or perhaps it was spoken that touching was not okay.

Right now though, Sam was alone in the backyard with nothing but his thoughts. He didn’t know what the future held for him and Dean. Sam knew that even if he managed to let Dean be free of him in this life, they would still have their afterlives together. He just wanted Dean to be happy and somethings just hurt too much to move past.

Sam didn’t like Dean having contact with Lisa. He didn’t trust her and she always looked at him like he was the scum of the Earth and/or the source of all of her problems. Sam could look at Lisa and list off a million things that she had to offer Dean which he didn’t. Even though, Dean didn’t say it. Sam knew Dean knew those things.

He wasn’t sure whether or not he liked Ben. Dean had managed to teach Ben to stop pulling his hair which was a relief. Sam never liked having his hair pulled. He knew he could cut his hair to solve the problem, but he liked being able to see it. Therefore he wore his hair a little long for a boy.

Being around Ben did have its advantages though. He could watch Ben make sounds and the repetition allowed Sam to understand how the sound was made. Sam saw the way Ben’s throat moved the same way to make certain sounds. He saw the shape Ben’s mouth made as he repeated the sound. It helped Sam to understand.

It wasn’t until his weekend with Garth that Sam was able to put all of that together. Garth let Sam put his fingers on Garth’s throat to feel the vibrations of his vocal cords as he made the sound. After several hours of failed attempts Sam figured out how to make an “Ah” sound. The vibration on his throat felt funny and as the noise left his throat Sam braced himself for pain. However the pain never came.

Sam had been practicing making sounds for a few months now. He hadn’t really made much progress and he couldn’t always get his vocal cords to work. Gabriel said that they may just be weak from never being used and that he should just practice making sounds as sort of an exercise.

Even being about to make basic sounds made Sam feel less different. He knew he needed to tell John and Dean. He just didn’t know how exactly to tell them. Sam wasn’t sure how either of them would react when they find out he was hiding this from them. Sam also didn’t want go to speech therapy. Those people weren’t nice.

Sam heard the sound of footsteps on the grass and he stilled his body on the ground. The steps stopped a few feet away from him and he heard his Uncle Bobby’s gruff yet loving voice, “What are you doing out here all alone, Sammy? Dean wasn’t sure where you wandered off too.”

Sam sat up and looked at Bobby he signed carefully, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to worry anyone. I just like to look at the stars sometimes, I hope that is okay.”

Bobby smiled and adjusted his ball cap. Sam wondered why he always wore the same one. It looked a little worn and dirty, but his uncle clearly treasured it. Bobby’s reply was reassuring, “You’re fine, Sammy. I know you like looking at the sky. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t upset about anything.”

Sam frowned and looked down at his hands. He thought that maybe he could ask Bobby how to handle his issue with being able to make sounds. He signed, “I am okay. I do want to ask you something, but it is kind of private.”

Sam met Bobby’s eyes and the older man sat down in the grass. He gestured toward Sam and said calmly, “Okay spill, Sammy. You can trust me.”

Sam hesitated for a couple moments. He thought about making a sound but decided against it. Sometimes, he couldn’t actually make sound and then he would just look silly. Sam signed, “I figured out how to make some basic sounds. I can’t do it all the time and I haven’t been able to put together an actual word yet. I am afraid that if I tell John, he will want me to go to speech therapy. The speech therapist at the high school scared me. I am afraid if I tell Dean, I will just make him angry when I fail.”

Bobby was silent. It was a stunned silence and he could honestly understand Sam’s reservations. He knew John and he knew John would move a mountain to help Sam learn how to talk. However, Sam at this point didn’t want that help. Bobby knew they would probably have to coax Sam into being open to the idea and that would take time.

When Sam looked away from Bobby, he knew he was silent for too long. He tried to sound reassuring, “Sammy, it’s okay. I am proud of you. I can talk to John and Dean with you when the time is right. I am sure Dean understands what a struggle it is for you to talk, so I don’t think he’d be angry if you can’t get it. Believe it or not, he does love you and he wants the best for you.” Sam nodded slowly and Bobby decided to take a chance. He asked Sam, “Can you show me what sounds you can make?”

Sam nodded and opened his mouth a weak, “Ah,” sound came out followed by “Ya”, “Na”, “Da”, and “De.” Bobby knew one of Dean’s nicknames from when he was little was Dee and Sam could say Dean’s nickname. No one called Dean by that nickname anymore. When Dean was eleven he declared it to girly so everyone stopped calling him that.

Bobby smiled and gave a small laugh of happiness, “Now, I know for a fact Dean would be ecstatic to learn you can make sounds. Dee was Dean’s nickname when he was younger. You can say a word, Sammy. You can say your soulmate’s nickname.”

Sam looked at Bobby and signed with a serious look on his face, “You think that would make him happy?”

Bobby nodded, “I am sure of it.” He made a mental note to discuss this John later so they could lecture Dean on the off chance he responded unfavorably. Even with Sam making basic sounds, Ben could formulate more spoken words than Sam. Bobby did not want Dean to throw that back at Sam in a moment of frustration.

++

Dean was sitting at the dining room table working on statistics. He wondered how this was relevant and he wondered where on the bell curve Sam’s level of abuse fell. Dean thought that Sammy was probably out toward an extreme edge. He wanted Sam to be whole again and Dean felt like Sam was making progress in that regard.

He started to notice Sam’s personality was more than that of a scared boy. There was more to Sam and Dean liked curious Sam the best. He liked feeling curiosity from Sam, like during Gabriel and Castiel’s wedding Sam was curious. He wanted to show Sam new things and to do that, he wanted to go on a road trip with Sam. His dad said no to that idea. John thought the open road might overwhelm Sam if he didn’t have a safe and familiar place to return to every night.

Dean figured that maybe after they got married in a couple years, Sam would be okay to take a road trip. He wanted to be the one to show Sam a forest, the mountains, and the ocean. Dean felt like Sam was missing out by living in the plains. Although, the time Dean took Sam to watch the sunset over a wheat field was the happiest Sam had ever felt. Sam even leaned his head on Dean’s shoulder. So there were some advantages to living in the plains.

Dean smiled when he thought back to that night. He glanced up and saw Sam sit down next to him. He could feel that Sam felt a little nervous and then Dean saw their dad sit down next to Bobby at the table. He sat down his pencil and said carefully, “Is this an intervention? Because I swear, I am behaving myself.”

John rolled his eyes and Sam smiled. John replied simply, “Sammy has something he wanted to tell us.”

Dean closed his textbook and looked at Sam. He asked, “What’s up, Sammy?”

Sam took a deep breath and opened his mouth. Dean could tell he was concentrating hard on whatever it was he was going to do. Then Sam spoke. It was a simple and quiet, “Dee.” Dean smiled and he reached for Sam, but stopped himself. He remembered that Sam didn’t like tight hugs.

Dean shifted back in his seat and was a little uncomfortable. He whispered out to Sam, “You can say my nickname. Aunt Karen used to call me that. I.. I am so proud of you even if you can’t ever say anything else. You are perfect.”

Much to Dean’s surprise Sam signed, “Thank you,” then Sam gave Dean a short hug. Dean wrapped his arms around Sam for the few moments Sam allowed it. He enjoyed the way it made him feel complete. This was one of the happiest moments of Dean’s life.

++

Dean was laying the nest of pillows covering the floor of Sam’s room at night. The pillows helped Sam to relax without hiding under the desk. Sam still retreated to under the desk sometimes, but it wasn’t all that as often. He had Sam tucked in against his chest and his arm was loosely draped over Sam. Dean was fairly certain Sam was going to be taller than him. The kid was almost as tall as him now.

In the dim light of the room Dean whispered, “Sammy, can you say anything else? You know besides my name.”

Sam turned around so he was facing Dean. He signed, “I can make some sounds but I can’t do it all the time. It feels funny to make noise. It sort of tickles in my throat. I was expecting pain the first time I made a sound, but it didn’t hurt.”

Dean smiled and said softly, “Maybe someday you’ll learn how to laugh but even if you don’t that is okay.” Dean gently brushed Sam’s hair out of his face. “I saw you struggling to talk since you came home. What was it that caused you to be able to make some sounds?”

Sam took a deep breath and signed, “It was watching Ben.”

Dean hummed for a moment and commented, “I thought you didn’t like Ben.”

Sam signed carefully, “I don’t know how I feel about Ben to be honest. I understand that you deserve him and you deserve to be happy with Lisa. I know you don’t want Lisa now but you were more interested in Lisa when I was rescued than me. Sometimes, it hurts to know that you weren’t there for me then and you were out lowering our place in Heaven. Sometimes, I fear that the things Azazel did to me would be enough to send us to Hell. I fear that if we add your sins we would burn forever.”

Dean closed his eyes for a moment, because he didn’t know that Sam felt like that. He shifted toward Sam and rested his forehead against Sam’s. He spoke softly, “If God damns you for being tortured and raped, then his Heaven is not where I want to be. But Sammy, God isn’t going to send you or me to Hell for that. He knows that it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t sin, Sammy. As far as I am concerned, you’re still a virgin and pure.”

Sam frowned and signed, “We both know that is not true, Dean. I am an abomination.”

Dean briefly thanked Joseph for insisting that he learn the sign for abomination along with other words Dean was certain would never come up in normal conversation. Dean sighed and said quietly, “No, you’re not. I know that was something Azazel told you but it’s not true. You’re not going to burn in Hell like Azazel said. I don’t hate you like Azazel said I would. I love you and our Heaven is going to be awesome. However, I would prefer it if neither of us died anytime soon.”

 


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains a graphic description of child abuse toward the end.

“Sometimes, I miss getting hurt.” Sam signed to Ash as they sat on the branches of a large tree in Ash’s backyard. They had climbed to tree earlier and this was their spot for therapy today.

Ash gave Sam a contemplative look as he held onto the tree branch with one arm. Then he said carefully, “What do you mean, Sam?” He needed to make sure Sam wasn’t thinking about hurting himself.

Sam looked thoughtfully at the leaves on the tree for a few moments. He thought back to his first time seeing leaves and then getting to touch them. It was surreal. Then when fall came and the leaves turned brown and fell off the trees, Sam thought he did something. He thought he caused the tree to die. John had to explain to him that was how nature worked and Bobby showed him the joy of jumping in piles of leaves.

He signed, “I miss the pain. It doesn’t make any sense but everything had an order then. If I did something wrong back then I would get punished. Punishment was always painful but it left me feeling like I made amends for my mistakes. I knew what I did wrong and I knew not to do it again. The pain helped me to be good.” Sam wasn’t sure if he was making sense or not, but he trusted Ash.

Ash spoke calmly in his typical non-judgmental voice. “There is nothing wrong with wanting to make amends for wrong doings. The endorphins that your body released while you were being harmed is part of why you feel that way.” He hummed for a moment and asked, “What have you been doing that makes you think you have something to make up for?”

Sam shifted on the tree branch then he signed, “I kept being able to make sounds from Dean and John for months. I call John by name instead of Dad like Dean does. I think I am supposed to call him Dad but I am afraid that if I start calling him that he’ll treat me differently. I don’t let Dean kiss me and I enjoy wandering around outside by myself. It worries everyone when I do that. I can feel Dean’s worry. I.. I also don’t like Dean having a son. It is a constant reminder that he didn’t love me before I started to get better.”

Ash pulled a can of root beer out that he had stuffed in his jacket pocket. Sam gave him an odd look when he popped it open and took a swig. Ash made an ‘ah’ sound then he said, “We should break those things down a little bit. It was fear that kept you from telling your dad and Dean about your ability to make sound. And it is fear that is keeping you from calling John Dad. What do you think is causing that fear?”

Sam picked on the bark of the tree for a few moments while he gathered his thoughts. His thoughts confused him more. He signed, “I was afraid that he would change and I was afraid of what that might look like. I like the John I’ve gotten to know. I don’t want him to change if I refer to him as Dad. I think anytime I change or someone changes in my life, I fear that they will start treating me like Azazel.” Sam paused and took a deep breath and continued signing, “I guess that doesn’t make sense because sometimes I want pain and I do miss Azazel and Meg.”

Ash chugged down the remainder of his root beer and tossed the can on the ground out of the way. He asked, “Does your dad treat Dean differently than you?”

Sam signed, “No, not really. He seems to love us both.”

Ash nodded and stated, “And Dean calls him Dad. Dean isn’t getting harmed by your dad. Being called Dad is an honor, in my opinion. I don’t think your dad is going to go evil on you for using that term and I don’t think he is going to treat you any differently.” Ash paused and asked, “Do you think some of your resistance to calling John that comes from Azazel? Meg called Azazel Dad and Azazel was the only father you knew for years. Did you think of Azazel as your father?”

Sam frowned and signed, “I don’t know. I knew he wasn’t my father. He told me that I wasn’t but sometimes I would pretend in my head. I would pretend that he was my father and I could talk. I would call him Dad and he would love me like he loves Meg. Then sometimes, I thought that all the time he spent training me and hurting me was his way of showing that he loved me.” Sam shook his head and signed, “That is pretty messed up, huh?”

Ash shook his head and said calmly, “Not at all, Sam. It makes perfect sense. How do the people you are around now show you love?”

Sam thought for a moment and he signed, “They feed me which I don’t think they view as an act of love but it is to me. I used to have to perform for food and water. Now, I get three meals a day and snacks. It was more than I could have ever hoped for with Azazel. Just that little thing is like Heaven to me.” Sam paused and signed, “I have privileges like Meg did. I can shower. I have clean clothes that are mine. I get to go to school and have friends. Azazel let Meg do those things because he loved her and I think John is doing those things because he loves me.”

Ash nodded and admitted, “Partly, John is doing those things because he loves you. However, he is also caring for his son. You probably see similar interaction between Dean and Ben.”

Sam nodded and bit on his lip. The pain from that helped to numb the confusion he felt inside. He signed, “They say they love me every day. Azazel never told me that and I never heard him tell Meg that. When I was in the hospital and I met John. He was the first person in my memory that said he loved me. My soulmate didn’t say that until later and it didn’t feel sincere at first.”

Ash nodded and continued the conversation, “Dean has made some mistakes in the past and some of those mistakes are very hard to forgive. Most people would consider their soulmate fathering a child with someone else as unforgivable. You are trying to forgive him which is admirable.”

Sam shrugged and signed, “I have to forgive him. If I don’t then we will go to Hell. I’ve already made enough mistakes for both of us. I know with all the sex I had before I was rescued that it put us pretty close to damnation. I mean, I would perform a sex act for food and so I wouldn’t get beaten. I acted selfishly and that hurt both of us.”

Ash frowned and said calmly, “Sam, I don’t normally go into religion but if God damns you for what happened to you then I want no part of his Heaven either. I think that God understands that you were forced into those actions.”

Sam signed in reply, “That is what Dean said.”

Ash smiled, “See your soulmate is alright.”

++

Sam enjoyed talking with Ash. It drained him sometimes but it also made him feel better. They ended their session with Ash talking about ways Sam could relax when he was thinking about wanting pain. Sam understood that Ash was worried about him hurting himself. He wasn’t sure if he could actually hurt himself. That seemed like an extreme idea, but he knew he had tried to hold his breath until he died when he was with Azazel and prayed for death. So anything was possible.

Ash told him about breathing exercises. He also told him to take a warm bath to relax. Sam didn’t know how to tell Ash that he had never taken a bath. He thought Ash might look at him the same way his Uncle Bobby did when he told him that. Instead Sam piled the pillows on the floor of his room to take a nap. It sounded like the best way to collect his thoughts.

Sam was just about to close his door when he saw Dean. His soulmate smiled at him and asked, “What are you up to, Sammy?”

Sam signed, “I was going to take a nap. Is that okay?” He was still never sure what was expected of him when John and Dean were around. Sometimes, they had different ideas on things to do.

Dean smiled and said calmly, “Of course Sammy, you don’t have to ask me about that.” Sam knew that wasn’t true. Dean had told him no before. Then Dean continued, “Would you be okay with me joining you? I am beat.”

Sam nodded in agreement, even though he really wanted to be alone right now to sort through everything.

Sam curled up on the nest of pillows and Dean laid down next to him after pulling off his shoes, socks, and pants. It made Sam a little uncomfortable, but he stayed facing away from Dean.  He didn’t know why exactly it made him uncomfortable. Dean always took off his pants before going to sleep and Dean never tried anything with him. Sometimes, Sam didn’t know what was wrong with him. Slowly Sam drifted to sleep and he hoped he would wake up feeling better.

 _His body hurt and one of his teeth felt loose. Boy knew what that meant. When Azazel found out he would pull it out and it would hurt. He curled into himself on the corner of the room where he was left. He hoped that Azazel would just leave him be._  

_He felt someone grab his hair. After a few moments, he knew it was Alistair. Boy kept his eyes down because Alistair didn’t like it when he looked at him. He felt Alistair open his mouth and he shook in his grasp. Boy wanted to run but there was nowhere to run too._

_Alistair’s words were cruel, “You are nothing to no one.” Boy didn’t want that to be true. Surely, he mattered to the name of the person on his arm. A person he had never met. Alistair whispered into his ear, “When I get done with you, there is no way Dean Winchester will want to be anywhere near you. You’re going to rot in here and suffer until Azazel starves you to death. It’ll be slow and painful, everything you deserve.”_

_He felt tears well up in his eyes because he wanted someone to care about him. Boy felt the love from his soulmate in his chest as his tears flowed. He hoped that love he felt was for him._

_Alistair pulled a metal tool out of his pocket. Boy wasn’t sure what it was and he knew better then to try to struggle. It hurt less when he didn’t put up a fight. He stared at the tool Alistair had in his hand. It open and closed at one end. Boy figured it was used to grab hold of something. He just didn’t know what._

_Alistair snarled, “I hate you so much. Azazel thinks that he has completely broken you of speaking. I think I can still make you scream. Shall we see who is right?”_

_The grip that help his mouth open tightened and Boy closed his eyes as the metal tool entered his mouth. The metal was cool on his lips. He had only lost a couple teeth so far in the front. Alistair pressed the metal tool closed on one of his back teeth. Boy knew this tooth wasn’t loose. He felt the pressure grow on the tooth and he looked up at Alistair with wide eyes._

_All he saw was hate and amusement. Boy didn’t know what he did to deserve all of this. He tried to be good. He tried to stay out of the way. The metal tool started to pull on his tooth. It hurt and he started to sob. He closed his hands in fists as he tried to stay still, he didn’t want more hurts. Alistair pulled the tooth out of his mouth and Boy stopped himself from screaming but he was breathing hard. He could taste blood in his mouth._

_Alistair showed him the tooth. Then he said with amusement, “Azazel said I can’t pull out your permanent teeth, but I have free reign on your baby teeth. So you’re either going to lose most of your teeth today or you are going to scream.”_

_Boy wasn’t sure he knew how to scream anymore but he was screaming and begging inside of his head when Alistair went to put the tool back in his mouth._

_“SAM.”_

Dean saw Sam was covered in sweat and struggling in his sleep. He was whimpering which was new, but Dean didn’t have time to dwell too much on that. Sam was clearly having a nightmare. He touched Sam on the shoulders and said firmly, “Sammy, wake up.” Gently trying to get Sam to wake up didn’t work so he was going for a firmer approach.

He was still trying to jar Sam awake when John opened the door. Dean looked at his dad and he was a little panicked when he said, “Sammy is having a nightmare and he won’t wake up.”

John stepped into the room. He knelt down by Sam and he was thankful Dean managed to get Sam to stop sleeping under the desk. He brushed Sam’s hair out of his face. It was wet with sweat. He continued to gently stroke Sam’s hair like he did for Dean when he was younger. He calmly said, “Sammy, come on bud, you have to wake up. You’re having a nightmare.”

That seemed to do the trick, Sam’s eyes opened and they were filled with tears. Sam actually spoke which was rare for him to do. He struggled out, “Da,” and “Dee,” before he started sobbing silently. Sam reached out for John. John sat back a little so he could hold Sam.

He rocked his youngest son gently as he carded a hand through Sam’s hair. He whispered reassurances. “It’s okay, Sammy. I’m here and Dean is here. Nothing is going to hurt you. You’re safe. I promise.” John looked over at Dean who just looked a little lost. When Sam was very upset in situations like the one now, Sam still shied away from Dean. Sam would go either to John or Bobby. John knew Dean didn’t like it, but first impressions are hard to break and the first time Dean saw Sam upset in the hospital, he walked away.


	47. Chapter 47

Sam just turned seventeen. John was proud of the young man Sam had become. Sam was kind and sometimes, he expressed his opinions about things. His son was brighter than he could have ever hoped for. He had perfect scores on both his ACT and SAT. Sam could go to any college or university he wanted despite being mostly mute. He hoped Sam would stay close to home with him, Dean, and Bobby.

Sam was getting better at speaking but he still favored signing over speaking. He could say more if he signed than if he spoke. Sam’s spoken vocabulary was very limited. He could say dad but he couldn’t say John. He could say yeah but he couldn’t say yes. He could say Dean and Bobby but he couldn’t say his own name. Sam had trouble with s sounds and he was still refusing speech therapy.

John knew speech therapy would help Sam get a lot further with being able to communicate. He pushed the issue with Sam once. The result was Sam didn’t try to speak at all for nearly a month. After that John decided that it was safe to say Sam had the Winchester stubbornness and Sam would to have to decide to do this on his own terms. John wouldn’t say he was okay with that, but he made peace with it.

John was greatly concerned about Sam’s mental state. His son woke up, usually screaming, from a nightmare at least one week. Dean always tried and failed to comfort Sam. John was able to console Sam though and he didn’t mind. John just wished he knew what this nightmare was about. He had a feeling it was a recurrent one so it was probably a memory of Sam’s. The few times John asked Sam, his son would sign that he had to scream for it to stop. John had no idea what that meant and Sam would never elaborate further. After one of these nightmares, Sam either cried himself to sleep or he wouldn’t sleep the rest of the night. It was tiring for everyone.

This was one of those nights when Sam wouldn’t go back to sleep. John and Sam went out to the living room to watch some television together. It was the only thing John could think of that might help Sam relax enough to go back to sleep. Sam had very specific tastes in television which were mostly understandable. Sam didn’t like movies or television shows with violence. He also didn’t like shows with laugh tracks; his son thought they sounded cruel.

They were watching a children’s cartoon with the volume on low. John wasn’t sure which one, but it was one Dean watched when he was younger. They still had all the tapes and Sam seemed to enjoy them and Dean tolerated them. John warmed Sam up a glass of milk in the hope that would help him to relax.

Sam was curled up on the sofa with a blanket wrapped around him as he sipped on the milk. Sam was taller than Dean now and both of his sons were handsome young men. John sat at the other end of the sofa and tiredly stared at the television screen as he sipped on his coffee. He had to stay awake unless Sam fell asleep and he was getting to old to be up all night without a little help. If he wasn’t worried about Dean’s grades in college; he would have told Dean to stay up with his soulmate.

After about an hour and a half Sam started to visibly relax. John decided to carefully ask what has been on his mind, “Sammy, do you want to talk about your nightmare?”

Sam shook his head no then he stared at the blanket that covered him. Slowly, Sam untangled his arms from the blanket and signed, “I think it would upset you if you knew.”

John gave a sad smile and stated calmly, “Does it have something to do with the time you were taken from us?” He knew he was treading on very thin ice here. John didn’t want to use Azazel’s name and he didn’t want Sam to feel cornered.

Sam said in his weak voice, “Yeah.”

John was glad Sam felt comfortable enough to use his voice. He hoped Sam stayed comfortable enough to talk about this. He carefully said, “Sam, anything that you did while you there, I won’t judge you for. I know that you were in a very difficult situation. I loved you then, even though you didn’t know me. I prayed every night for God to return you to me and Dean.” He paused, “I do know that sometimes, if we talk about what is bothering us it can help like how talking to Ash helps you and how talking to Pam helps Dean.”

Sam nodded slowly and signed, “It wasn’t Azazel. It was Alistair. He wanted to make me scream to prove Azazel wrong but I couldn’t. I couldn’t remember how to scream. He hurt me until I blacked out. I’m not sure how old I was because I didn’t have a reference of time, but I was small. I stood about to their chest; I don’t how old that made me.”

John looked at Sam with sympathy. He had seen the courtroom tapes which were all dated. Sam would have been somewhere between 6 to 8 when this happened. He asked carefully, “Do you want to talk about what Alistair did to you?” John really didn’t want to know and he knew he would have to listen if Sam spoke without running away to the bathroom to cry or throw up.

Sam bit his lip and looked away. His signs were a little shaky, “I didn’t fight back. I stayed still and let him do it. Alistair pulled some of my baby teeth out with a pair of plyers. They weren’t loose. He showed me each one as he pulled it out. I remember the pain, the fear, the taste of metal and blood. He said he was going to pull out all of my baby teeth but he didn’t.

“Every two teeth, he would stop and beat me. He didn’t cut me this night. He punched and slapped me until I saw stars. He pulled out eight teeth, all molars before I blacked out. I never screamed or made a sound. I wanted too. I wanted to scream just so he would stop but I couldn’t. In my nightmares, sometimes it is different than what happened. Sometimes, I can scream and Alistair doesn’t stop.”

John felt his cheeks get wet with tears. He wiped them away and said sadly, “I’m sorry, you had to go through that. It was very cruel of Alistair to do that to you.”

Sam shook his head and signed, “It is better that it was me. Dean was safe and happy. I could feel Dean’s love at the time. It was the only thing that made my life worth living. I never thought about what Dean felt from me until I met him. I think that is why he didn’t like me at first. I probably felt like fear. I think he is sincere now when he says he loves me, but I still feel like I ruined his life.”

John frowned and sat his coffee cup down. He took a deep breath and said quietly, “Sometimes, when Dean was in grade school and junior high, he would cry about what he felt from you. He knew you were suffering and he used to beg me to make your pain stop. He always said that you hurt and you felt sad. Whenever you blacked out or were drugged, Dean knew because he couldn’t feel you. The first time that happened was when Dean was six. He panicked and I thought I lost you.”

Sam was quiet for a few moments then he signed, “Sometimes, when I look at Ben. I know when I was his age I was getting tortured. I didn’t have toys. Garth said that he would use his hands to make toys for me. His fingers were people or different shapes. Garth selflessly cared for me. I’ve read about what I would be like if I didn’t have Garth when I was young. I probably would have died or been feral.”

John took a deep breath and smiled, “Garth is a good man. He fought for you every day even when no one believed you were real.”

Sam nodded and signed, “Sometimes, it makes me angry to know that if they would have just listened to him that I would have been saved earlier. I would have all of my body parts and I would have never been raped. Then sometimes, I think about the investigation they were doing on Azazel. The police knew I was there. I recognized the undercover FBI agent in the newspaper that testified. They could have saved me before I was… But they didn’t, they didn’t care. I remember him watching me get beaten and forced to perform sex acts. I remember him laughing along with them but never joining in. I know he was doing his job but it made me realize I wasn’t worth protecting.”

John never knew Sam had contact with the undercover FBI agent prior to Sam’s rescue. He thought the undercover agent saw Sam in the house during a sting and asked to go in early to save Sam’s life. He didn’t realize that they knew Sam was there for months or possibly even years. John’s mouth was dry, mostly from shock, when he asked, “Did he ever try to talk to you?”

Sam looked up and shrugged. Then he signed, “Azazel had a room with a bed for his clients that liked privacy when they did things to me. I was never allowed on a bed except to do sexual things. The undercover agent said he wanted privacy. I was sent to the room with him after I listened to him laugh as Azazel belted me. I didn’t realize what he was doing at the time, but all he did was clean the blood off my body and check my wounds. I thought that was just how he wanted touch me and he gave me a candy bar when he was done. He was the one that always gave me candy. I didn’t understand why he was giving me candy for being bad. Now I think the candy was just his way of saying sorry.”

John’s vision was a little blurry with tears by the time Sam got done signing. This was the most Sam had ever opened up to him. He rubbed his eyes to will away the tears. He felt like a failure but he did have one nagging question, “How many times did you meet with the agent in private?”

Sam thought for a moment then he signed, “I am not sure but more than six.”

++

Sam fell asleep on the sofa after opening up to his dad. It actually felt good to get some of that off of his chest. He hoped his dad didn’t hate him for anything. John didn’t seem mad at him. He seemed sad which Sam wasn’t expecting. He was expecting rejection.

It left him feeling a little bold, which Sam felt was odd. He wanted to bond more with Dean. He knew Dean didn’t have Ben today so it was just them. Sam had seen Dean give Ben a bath plenty of times, but he wanted to take a bath for the first time.

He found Dean reading a book in his room. Dean’s old bedroom had been turned into Ben’s room. Dean spent every night with Sam now. Sam liked that but Dean didn’t sleep next to him every night. Sometimes Dean slept alone on the bed. Sam still couldn’t bring himself to sleep on a bed. It had too many bad memories to even consider it.

Sam said, “Dean.” He didn’t like his voice. It sounded different. He thought it sounded underused which was probably true. He didn’t talk as much as other people. Dean turned to look at him then Sam signed, “I want to try something.”

Dean closed his book and focused his attention on Sam. He asked politely, “What do you want to try out?” Dean had talked to his dad while Sam was sleeping this morning and Dean had to hide his rage at the agent for not getting Sam out sooner. He knew their dad was meeting with a lawyer. They were going to sue them on Sam’s behalf. The money wouldn’t fix anything. However, this was more about the principle of the thing. They let a child suffer.

Sam signed, “I want to take a bath.” Dean raised an eyebrow. He didn’t get how taking a bath was trying something. Then Sam signed, “I’ve never taken a bath before.”

Dean smiled and got up. He said as he walked into the bathroom, “I helped give you your first bath when you were a few days old. Dad said you would fuss if anyone but me touched during bath time.” Dean sat down on the edge of the tub and started to run the water. He made it a little warmer but not hot. He remembered the scolding hot shower Azazel gave Sam from when he poked around Sam’s head. He didn’t want it to be like that.

After the bath was filled Dean turned to Sam as he got up to leave. He doubted Sam would want him to stay. He said tentatively, “Okay, so umm.. Just take your clothes off and get in.” Dean smiled and went to walk past Sam.

Sam caught his arm and signed, “Can you stay?”

Dean nodded and he closed the bathroom door to give them some privacy. He looked away as Sam undressed. He didn’t want to make Sam uncomfortable or have him think that he was staring at him. Dean really did want to see what Sam’s body looked like now. He did turn around to help Sam in the tub. His eyes did briefly roam Sam’s body. Despite the scars, Sam was beautiful.

Sam did seem a little confused by the process of bathing. So Dean wetted the wash cloth after he put some soap on it and handed it to Sam. His soulmate looked at him with confusion for a moment. Dean smiled and he picked up Sam’s arm. He ran the cloth down Sam’s arm and asked, “Is this okay?”

Sam said, “Yeah.” Dean found his voice adorable. It was perfect and just Sam.

Dean washed Sam slowly. Sam washed around his privates himself. Dean understood that Sam wasn’t ready to be touched there yet. He leaned Sam’s head back and poured some water into Sam’s hair. Then he gently massaged the shampoo into Sam’s hair. They hadn’t said anything to each other since this whole thing started. It was like they just knew.

As Dean started to rinse out Sam’s hair, Sam signed, “You’re the first person to wash me since Azazel. It feels good to know he’s not that person anymore.”

Dean continued rinsing out Sam’s hair then he said quietly, “I’ll never treat you like Azazel did. I love you.”

Sam turned his head to look at him and Dean nearly got water in Sam’s eyes. If it wasn’t for his quick skills he could have hurt Sam. Granted, water wasn’t a huge injury. It would just burn and be uncomfortable at the most. Still, Dean didn’t want that for Sam.

Dean was a little surprised when Sam leaned up and gave him a kiss on the lips. He returned the kiss while being mindful not to get rough or possessive. Sam’s lips were soft and warm. He felt contentment and love throughout his body with the kiss. It made Dean wish he waited for Sam. This kiss was the best kiss he had ever received. 


	48. Chapter 48

Ben was sitting on Sam’s lap as Sam leaned against the sofa. Sam was tolerating being used as farmland or at least that was what he thought was going on. Ben had setup his different toy farm animals on different parts of his chest and shoulders. Thankfully, the barn was set off to the side. Ben was busy making cow and pig noises. He was clearly contented and he had a bright smile on his face.

Eventually though, Ben dropped the toys and started poking Sam’s arm. Sam stared at the small child. Ben was two and a half. He looked at Sam curiously and asked, “Uncle Sammy, what that?” Sam looked and Ben was pointing at Dean’s name.

Sam signed, “Daddy’s name. Your daddy is my soulmate.”

Ben nodded seriously and looked at his own arms. He pouted and said, “I have no soulmate.” Sam could see that the child was legitimately upset. He didn’t like dealing with an upset child. It was the screaming that got to him.

Sam signed calmly, “You will, just not yet.”

Ben picked up Sam’s arm or at least he pretended he did. Sam let him move his arm and he held it in place for Ben to inspect. After a few minutes of Ben staring at the skin on Sam’s arm and running his sticky fingers over every scar, Ben asked, “What happened?”

Sam moved his arm away so he could sign, “What do you mean, Ben?”

Ben touched one of the scars and said firmly, “Uncle Sammy has boo boos. Daddy need to kiss and make better.” Sam was glad at least he didn’t have to think of a way to explain the scars to Ben.

Sam smiled and signed, “Don’t worry. Your daddy did make it better. He makes sure I don’t get any more boo boos.”

Ben seem to consider that for a moment before he shook his head no and hollered, “Daddy! Daddy!”

Dean came into the room with a duster in hand. He had been cleaning the corners of the house. Sam wasn’t sure why but the duster, the toilet brush, and other objects of that shape scared him. If he tried to pick them up he would just start shaking. Ash said that the objects are triggers and they have been working on him staying calm when he faces a trigger.

Dean sat the duster down before getting near Sam because Dean knew. Sam wrote down his triggers so Dean, Bobby, and John would know. He figured that they guessed some of them before he wrote them down. Dean picked Ben up off Sam’s lap and rested his son on his hip. Dean asked Ben, “What’s up, Ben? Are you harassing Uncle Sammy?”

Ben shook his head no and said adamantly as he pointed at Sam, “No, Uncle Sammy need kisses. He has boo boos.”

Dean saw that Ben was pointing at Sam’s scars. He frowned at Ben and said gently, “Those are scars. Those boo boos won’t go away but they don’t hurt Uncle Sammy anymore.”

Ben started fiddling with the collar on Dean’s shirt and he whispered loudly, “Mommy says Uncle Sammy is ugly.”

Dean hated Lisa. She always had something negative to say about Sam. She talked Sam down around Ben and Dean didn’t like it. He had talked to her about it and told her that it was important to him that Ben respected Sam. He had asked her to keep her opinions about Sam to herself, but she didn’t. Lisa was using Ben as a pawn.

Dean responded playfully because he knew Ben was just repeating what his mom said. “I think you miss heard. Uncle Sammy happens to be the most handsome man I’ve ever seen. Do you want me to let you in on a secret?” Ben nodded and Dean whispered loud enough for Sam to hear, “Someday, I am going to marry your Uncle Sammy because I love him and he is my soulmate but I have to ask him first.”

Ben scrunched his brow in confusion. Then he nodded and said firmly, “I plan.” Dean knew he would have to ask his dad what sort of busy tasks he could give Ben for the wedding. He wanted Ben to be their ring bearer but Dean wasn’t sure if Sam wanted that. Sam may not want Ben there at all. However, Dean knew before he could plan any of that out, he had to first actually ask Sam.

++

Gabriel finished culinary school. He worked at a bakery during the day and he worked at a bar in the evenings as a cook. He wasn’t living up to his potential but he was making sacrifices for Castiel. He didn’t want to uproot Cas during his senior year of high school. Gabriel knew he could suffer through this.

They still lived with Michael and Joseph while Castiel was finishing school. The reason Gabriel worked so much was to save up money. They needed to have money to get their own place, furniture, and things like that. Gabriel was also secretly saving up money so they could adopt one day. Adoption was the whole reason why Gabriel grilled up greasy bar food every night. He needed to save at least twenty thousand dollars so one day him and Castiel could be fathers.

Gabriel felt concern from Castiel as he drove home. He knew Cas didn’t like him working a second job and Castiel wasn’t an idiot. He knew they didn’t need the money. When Gabriel stepped into the house, he found Michael sitting on the sofa consoling a very upset Becky. Their baby sister, Luci, was sleeping soundly in her car seat. Becky and Chuck had moved close by on Becky’s insistence. Thankfully, Chuck and Becky did not live with them. They owned a house across town. Castiel and Gabriel have never been there.

Gabriel waited for Michael to knowledge him. His brother looked up and nodded at Gabriel. He knew this meant everything was okay as it was going to be. Gabriel gently closed the door and locked it. When he turned back, Becky was looking at him. She had a decent size bruise on the side of her face and split lip but she gave him a teary smile.

He put on his charm as he greeted her. “Hey beautiful, how are you doing?” Gabriel knew full well his dad hit her. This wasn’t the first time and he doubted it would be the last. His dad was just angry about life or maybe something deeper. Gabriel had no idea nor did he care. All Gabriel knew was that he wasn’t going to treat Castiel like that. He had never hit Castiel, even as children.

Becky wiped away her tears and shakily, “Good, I am better now.”

Michael spoke calmly in his all-knowing voice that Gabriel used to think could fix the world. “Castiel is making sure there are fresh linens on the bed in the guest bedroom. Will you go make sure your bathroom is clean? Becky and Luci will be staying with us for a while.”

Gabriel nodded slowly and said with uncertainly, “Of course Michael, I need to shower anyways. I smell like a bar.”

When Gabriel got upstairs Castiel was already cleaning the bathroom. Cas looked upset which Gabriel could understand why. Having an absentee father was bad. Having an absentee father that beats his soulmate was worse.

Gabriel closed the bathroom door with Castiel inside the bathroom with him. Castiel stopped wiping down the counter. He looked sad. Castiel whispered, “Would you ever do that to me?”

Gabriel frowned and wrapped his arms around Cas. He leaned his forehead against his soulmate’s head. He couldn’t hide the hurt in his voice that Castiel would ever think that of him for a minute. “Never, Castiel. I never have and I never will. You’re the most precious thing in the world to me. I love you.”

Castiel kissed Gabriel tentatively on the lips. Then he pulled back, “Why does he hit her like that? I don’t understand. He treats her worse than Dean did Sam.”

Gabriel frowned at the comparison. Dean had his moments of being an ass to Sam. The moment that stuck out for Gabriel was when he heard about Dean dragging Sam by his arm to the party at his house. Gabriel didn’t know if Dean’s grip on Sam caused bruising. He never checked. He just dealt with the aftermath of a scared boy with very little knowledge about the world.

Gabriel didn’t know what to say to Castiel. He said softly, “I don’t know, Cas.” He smoothed Castiel’s unruly hair back and it didn’t cooperate which was fine with Gabriel. Then he ran his thumb over Castiel’s cheek and said sadly, “Sometimes life isn’t fair.”

Castiel shook his head and muttered, “Maybe he’ll get better. Dean changed. He’s not an ass to Sam anymore.”

Gabriel smiled softly, “Perhaps, but never count your chickens before they hatch.”

Castiel tightened his grip on Gabriel and then ran a hand down to Gabriel’s crotch. His soulmate rubbed him through his pants and Gabe bit back a moan. He kissed Castiel gently. Then Castiel teased, “You should get into the shower, big brother.”  Gabriel liked having a younger soulmate that could change gears at the drop of a hat.

++

Sam was a little surprised when he saw Becky at the Novak house. He wasn’t sure what exactly happened to her face. He knew that someone hit her. He’d been hit enough in his life to know what those bruises look like, but Sam knew the only time he ever saw bruises on his face was when he was in the hospital and he saw himself for the first time.

He was making cookies with Becky while Gabriel was at work. Castiel was fretting about Gabriel working so much as the mixed the dough together. Dean worked a lot too, so Sam understood. Dean had to pay child support to Lisa so Dean had to work at the shop their dad owned. Sam knew Dean hoped to take over the business someday.

As the cookies baked Sam signed to Castiel, “I was thinking about asking Dean to marry me. I know we have to get married eventually, but I want it to mean something to Dean.”

Castiel tapped his fingers on the table and conspired with Sam, “What do you want to do? Dean doesn’t seem like the romantic type.”

Becky chimed in, “I think it would get great to do that. I never got proposed too. After my first period ended my parents signed me off to Chuck and that was that.” Sam frowned because that sounded bizarre. He thought about what Dean said about periods after Sam read about them in a human sexuality class he took. Dean told him that women became a bitch and bleed for a few days during their period. Sam wondered if maybe she was on her period now and that was why someone hit her. Sam knew Azazel would hit him if he ever decided to act out.

 Sam signed, “I want to be able to ask him with my voice but I know I am a long way from being able to form a complex sentence like that. I think I need to think of something easier that would still mean something to him.” Sam was at a loss and it was hard for him to think of a way to impress Dean. Dean had lived in this world his entire life and knew everything. Sam found out new things just about every day.

Castiel grinned and said calmly, “I have an idea but we will need to talk to your dad or uncle to help us get a ring for Dean.”

++

Dean wandered into the bakery where Gabriel worked. He knew it was a slow time so he should be able to talk to Gabriel for a few minutes. Sure enough Gabriel was able to take a break. They stepped out back and Dean asked tiredly, “How are you?”

Gabriel crossed his arms and said flatly, “My dad is a wife beater and I’ve been working my tail off saving up money for Castiel and me to get a good start. Castiel got offered a part-time job at the gas station after school. I think he is going to take it. He get bored when I am not home and I think he wants to contribute to our fund.” 

Dean nodded and said nervously, “I have been thinking about proposing to Sam. Things have been better between us. I can actually kiss and touch him without him freaking out.”

Gabriel raised an eyebrow and said skeptically, “Touch him? He was trained to be a sex toy, Dean. He could probably get your rocks off without even trying.”

It stung when Gabriel said that but it was true. Sam was trained to be that. Dean had never seen that behavior from Sam. If anything, Sam’s touches have been tentative and unsure. They have also stayed strictly above the belt and Dean let Sam take the lead every time.

Dean shook his head and said firmly, “Sam’s not like that anymore and we haven’t gone that far. We are taking our time and going at Sam’s pace. I don’t want him to feel forced.” He paused and said, “Anyways, I need to figure out a good way to propose to Sam. He’s into all that romantic crap, I think. He reads about different soulmate stories all the time. I want him to know he is worth something to me when I propose.”

Gabriel hummed for a moment then he said, “I have a few ideas.” 


	49. Chapter 49

Castiel went to the library and checked out just about every book on how to form words he could find. Granted, most of them were children’s books or parenting books but Castiel figured it would serve the purpose. All they had to do was help Sam be able to say _“Dean, will you marry me?”_ They already had Dean so the rest of it shouldn’t be too hard.

It was hard though. They met every day in secret to work on it. Gabriel knew and he was stalling Dean with proposing. They both wanted Sam to be able to speak the words. It was week number two and Castiel was in his room with Sam.

Sam was struggling to speak, “Ne--re.” He frowned and signed, “Why can’t I make an m sound?”

Castiel stared at his book for a moment on sounds. He shrugged and said, “I think there is a reason why people go to college to learn how to teach other people how to talk.” Sam had a disappointed look in his eyes and Castiel didn’t like seeing that. Castiel thought for a moment, “Hey, can try to hum an m sound like this? Mmmm.”

Sam shook his head and signed, “I’ve never hummed. Is it hard to hum? Dean likes to hum when he is thinking.”

Castiel didn’t know how to answer that question. He didn’t think it was hard to hum but he didn’t think it was hard to speak either. Cas didn’t want to tell Sam that because he didn’t want to make Sam feel like an idiot. Carefully Castiel said, “I don’t know. I’ve never really thought about it. Humming is like making sound without moving your lips. It all comes from your vocal cords.”

Sam nodded and signed, “Can I touch your throat when you hum? It may help me to understand.”

Castiel thought that was an odd request but he agreed. “Sure Sam.” He felt Sam place his fingertips on his throat. Sam’s fingers were a little cold. The only people that have ever touched Castiel’s throat had been doctors and family. Gabriel touched him differently there then all of them but this touch from Sam was different too. He could tell Sam was feeling how his throat moved and worked. No one had paid that much attention to his throat before, not even Gabriel. Castiel put his unease aside and started to hum, “Mmmmmm.”

Sam eyes lit up slightly with what Castiel hoped was understanding. Then Sam started trying to hum, “Mmm.” Sometimes it had more of an n sound but Sam was trying and hopefully they could get this.

++

Sam was making sandwiches for lunch at Castiel’s house. They were going to take lunch to Gabriel, John, and Dean. Sam thought it was a nice thing to do and he found out that Castiel brought Gabriel lunch any day he didn’t have school. He knew he wasn’t great at cooking. The open flames on the stove scared him and he had never been able to bring himself near a grill. Fire scared him, it reminded him of when Azazel and Meg would burn him. 

He was lost in his thoughts when he heard Becky say, “How do you handle it?”

Sam put down the table knife he was using to spread the mayo on the sandwiches. He signed, “Handle what?” He wasn’t sure what she was talking about. Sam knew making sandwiches would have been difficult for him a couple years ago, but he was doing better. He didn’t think he looked nervous or scared. Sam knew he didn’t feel nervous or scared either.

Becky walked over to him and placed a hand on his chest. She closed her eyes and whispered, “I can feel scars here too. How do you handle getting abused like that?”

Sam was not comfortable being touched like that. He took a step back and signed, “Can you please stop touching me?” She gave him a confused look and Sam didn’t understand. He wanted Dean to protect him from this person. Sam thought it was odd for him to want Dean since in the past and even now, he didn’t go to Dean when he was frightened. He went to John or Bobby because they never judged him. Dean judged him sometimes.

Becky put her hands down at her side and said hesitantly, “I’m sorry. It is just your soulmate did all this to you and you still love him. How do you handle it?”

Sam understood what she was asking now. Becky didn’t know what happened to him and he had never had to tell anyone outside of the police how he got the scars before. Everyone just knew how it happened and never asked. Sam signed after some internal debate on how to explain this. “Dean didn’t do this to me. My biological mother kidnapped me when I was an infant and sold me to an evil man. That man, his friends, and his daughter did this to me.”

Becky looked shocked and asked, “Why?”

Sam signed, “Because my brother is my soulmate and Mary didn’t like that. Sometimes, I wonder what she is like. I wonder if she is as evil as I think she is. She caused Dean and me to suffer. I’ve read about what a mother’s love should be and I don’t think she had that for me.”

Becky looked even more shocked when she said carefully, “You don’t think your mother loved you? Like not even for a minute?”

Sam shook his head and signed, “No, she never loved me.” He went back to making his sandwiches.

Becky sat down and said sadly, “Chuck gets mad and hits me sometimes. When you were with the evil man how did you get him to stop hitting you and like you?”

Sam thought about that as he made the next sandwich. He eventually signed, “He never liked me and if he wanted to hit me, he hit me. If he didn’t want to hit me, he didn’t hit me. The only thing I knew was to follow the rules and not fight back. It hurt less when I didn’t put up a fight.”

++

Dean and Gabriel were at the bakery. He was looking at the different pastries when he said to Gabriel. “I don’t think Sam has ever had half of this stuff. In fact, I don’t think we’ve ever bought him a donut. Do you think he ever had a donut with Azazel?”

Gabriel stopped cleaning out the next case over and stared at Dean like he had grown two heads for a couple minutes. He repeated slowly, “Your brother has never had a donut. That’s like never having a hamburger or cotton candy. Tell me he’s had cotton candy.”

Dean shrugged and said defensively, “Sam was malnourished so we never got him sweets like that. I know he’s had candy with his therapist but I think that is about the only time.” Gabriel gave Dean a look like he was an idiot. Dean held up his hands and added, “I take him for girly coffee every couple weeks. He likes to try the different coffee at the Coffee Shack.”

Gabriel went over to the sink and washed his hands. Then he pulled out a box and said firmly, “Dean, Sam is an American and Americans eat donuts. It is a breakfast staple. You’re going to buy Sam a donut to show him what he has been missing.” Gabriel paused and asked, “Does Sam ever pick out what he eats or when he eats? I know you take him out for coffee and I’ve taken Sam to restaurants. He always seemed hesitant to order and he always waited for me or Castiel to give him permission before he even looked at the menu.”

Dean scratched the back of his head and said sheepishly, “I.. ah… No, I don’t think Sam has ever picked out a meal for us or declared it time to eat. He has said he was hungry before but he had this look in his eyes like he was expecting to get smacked. I always grabbed him a snack but I never asked him what he wanted for a snack. Is.. Is that bad?”

Gabriel was pulling his favorite donuts from the case and putting them in the box. He doubted Sam would eat them all, if he did he would be sick. However, he wanted Sam to have options and just taking one bite would be enough to make Gabriel happy. He closed the box once he was done selecting the treats. He sighed dramatically and said as if it was obvious, “You’re still controlling him. God knows, what he had to do to get food. I remember how thin he was. I wouldn’t be surprised if they starved him.”

Dean shrugged and said with uncertainty, “Maybe, we’ve made some mistakes with Sam but Sam is doing alright. I mean, the doctors wanted to put Sam in a mental institution permanently. He didn’t need that and he is doing okay.”

Gabriel rang up the box of donuts for Dean at the register. He momentarily wished he had an asshole charge he could give Dean. Small children have donuts. There was no reason for Sam to have never had a donut. Gabriel said calmly, “Your total is $6.57 and you’re right Sam didn’t need a mental institution. I’ve never been in one but I know what he needed was you. He needed and still does need the love of his soulmate. Sam told me it was you that has always kept him going.”

++

John had the afternoon off from the shop. He made sure to leave after Castiel and Sam dropped off lunch. He had to meet with the lawyers and find out the status of the lawsuit. John thought it would be tried up in the courts for years but they were offering to settle with a gag order written in. The FBI knew Sam was in that house with Azazel for two and a half years. The undercover agent did advise the higher ups of Sam, but they did nothing.

Going in and pulling Sam out would have blown their case. John also found out that they stalled on getting Sam out of the house when he was bleeding out from the castration. They left Sam to lay on the floor of Azazel’s basement in severe pain for six hours. The reason was simple, they wanted to get Azazel and Alistair on a capital murder charge. They didn’t expect Sam to survive. Not only that, but they wanted him to die to make their case stronger.

It was sickening to hear. It was bad enough for John to know Mary wanted Sam dead or out of the way, but for the people who were supposed to protect to want the same thing was difficult to process. In the settlement offer, they were offered twenty-five million dollars which broke down to ten million for each year they knew Sam was there. In addition to that, they offered five million dollars for Sam’s medical expenses.

John knew it was a good offer. Sam would never have to worry about money, not that Dean would ever let Sam worry about money in the first place. After Dean got past his initial rejection of Sam, Dean became a good soulmate and brother to Sam. John knew he would have to talk to both of his sons before he decided whether or not to accept the offer.

John was pulled from his thoughts by a knock on his bedroom door. He looked up and said, “Come in.” Sam opened the door and stepped in hesitantly. Beds still made his youngest nervous and he was sitting on one. John kept his voice neutral and calm. “What’s going on, Sammy?”

 Sam looked up at him and John could see Sam was nervous or maybe afraid. His son signed, “I want to ask Dean to marry me but Castiel said that I need a ring to offer him and I don’t have one. Will you help me get one for him?”

John smiled and got up. He knew just what to give Sam. John opened his closet door and pulled out a small shoe box. He sat it on the bed and underneath some old letters was a small jewelry box. John handed it to Sam and said happily, “My soulmate died before I met her but she bought me this ring. Her family gave it to me along with all the letters she wrote me growing up. After you were born, I knew I was going to give to one of you to give to the other one.”

Sam opened the box carefully and inside was a silver ring with a W imprinted on the top. He smiled because it would be perfect. Sam sat down the box and signed, “Thank you.”

++

When Dean got home with his box of donuts that he was fairly certain Gabriel over charged him for, he noticed that Sam was acting strange. He was hiding something and Dean just didn’t know what. Dean really hoped it wasn’t something like Sam wanted to move to across country to get away from Ben.

Dean decided to play it cool. He sat down the box of donuts on the table and asked Sam. “I bought donuts. I don’t remember if you’ve ever a donut before.”

Sam frowned and signed, “No, it wasn’t something I have been allowed to eat. I have read about donuts though. I hope you enjoy your donuts.”

It was Dean’s turn to frown. He carefully said, “They are for both of us. Now come here, I need to teach you about the wonderful world of donuts.” Sam sat down tentatively at the table. Dean thought he was eyeing the box of donuts like it might cause him bodily harm. Dean opened the box and showed it to Sam. He said happily, “Pick what you like. You don’t have to eat it if you don’t like it.”

Sam picked the donut with brightly colored sprinkles. Dean should have saw that one coming. Sam still had an obsession with colors. Dean pulled out a simple glazed donut for himself as he watched Sam take a small bite. He could feel fear from Sam as he tasted it.

Sam smiled slightly and Dean hoped Sam liked it. He was feeling less afraid and more curious now. Sam sat the donut down and signed, “It is sweet.” 


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is a lot longer than usual. Sam does have repeated flashbacks in this chapter, but it is pretty important that you read this chapter to follow the story.

Dean was nervous today was the day he was going to propose to Sam. God, he hoped his little brother said yes. It took a lot of planning and Dean invited everyone they knew. Well, everyone they knew that Sam knew which wasn’t a lot of people. Sam was with Castiel right now and Dean was at the final destination.

He knelt down in front of Ben and put a t-shirt on Ben. It was special made for today. Dean asked his son, “Alright, do you know what you have to say?”

Ben nodded and said happily, “Daddy!”

Dean frowned and said patiently, “Not quite kiddo, what are you going to say to Uncle Sammy when you see him today?”

Ben leaned forward onto Dean and squealed, “No!”

Dean repressed a sigh maybe getting Ben to help with this wasn’t such a great idea. His little monster was going to give them a run for his money today. Dean checked his pocket for the ring he bought for Sam. He hoped Sam liked it.

++

Sam finished playing a board game with Castiel. He was a little surprised when Castiel handed him an envelope. He opened it carefully and pulled out a note. The note was from Dean.

_“Sammy,_

_The most happiness I’ve ever felt from you was when we watched the sunset over a wheat field. I am grateful I got to share that with you. I have a surprise waiting for you by that field._

_Love,_

_Dean.”_

Sam was confused and he signed to Castiel, “Dean wants me to go to field. I don’t understand why. He said that he has a surprise for me. Do you think he is going to hurt me? Azazel liked to hurt me if he found out something I liked.” He started crying and signed, “Why did I let him feel what I liked?”

Castiel frowned because this was not going as planned. He didn’t think anyone expected Sam to get upset and start crying. He thought quickly because he had to salvage this. Nervously Castiel said, “Come on Sam, sit down.”

Sam sat down on a chair in the kitchen and Castiel gave him a glass of water. He got Sam to drink it slowly and Sam slowly started to calm down. Sam wiped his eyes on the back of his arms and signed, “Why does he want to hurt me?”

Castiel sat down and kept his voice gentle, “Sam, I don’t think he wants to hurt you. I think he is trying to be romantic. That was a love note. It wasn’t a threat. Dean does like to do nice things for you, just like Gabriel likes to do nice things for me.”

Sam considered what Castiel said for a few moments. It sounded reasonable. Dean felt nervous but not angry. He pulled himself together and started to walk toward the wheat field with Castiel.

++

_He staggered back to the room with one of Azazel’s friends. He wanted a more private setting. It made Boy’s stomach curl. He didn’t like being alone with them. It was always so much worse._

_Boy heard Azazel say coldly, “Just use his mouth or his hand. That ass is mine.”_

_The man closed the door behind him with an audible click. He patted the bed and Boy nervously sat down. He let his mind wander to a safe place inside his mind as the man started to touch him. He wanted this to end. Boy just didn’t know how to make it all end._

++

Castiel gave Sam a weary look as they neared the wheat field, “Are you with me, Sam?” He was concerned about his friend.

Sam nodded and signed, “Sorry, I was just thinking about a time in my past.” He didn’t want to tell Castiel where his mind was wandering too. Sam didn’t like to think about those days.

When they reached the wheat field Sam was surprised to see Garth waiting for him. He rushed up to Garth and gave his friend a hug. Garth happily returned the hug but Sam wasn’t sure why he was here.

Garth said in his squeaky voice, “Winnie, it is so good to see you. I have a note to give to you.”

Sam signed, “Thank you.” Then he took the note.  He opened it carefully.

_“Sammy,_

_This is the place of your happiest memory. I thought it was only fitting that your first friend be the one to meet you here. You are not alone in the world, Sammy. You have always been loved and wanted. I admire your friend, Garth. He fought for you harder than I ever I have._

_When I wake up each morning, I tell myself that want to care and love you twice as much as Garth. He sacrificed everything for you and I want you to know I would do the same for you._  

_I have another surprise waiting for at the place where you create life._

_Love,_

_Dean”_

Sam stared at the note for a moment. He wasn’t sure where Dean meant. Sam didn’t know if he was supposed to go to the hospital next or someplace else. He looked at Garth and signed, “I don’t understand what is going on?”

Garth grinned and laughed. Sam wished he could laugh but as it was he couldn’t. Garth said gently, “I think Dean is sending on a little hunt for him. It is a game. Do you know where you’re supposed to go next?”

Sam looked down at the note then he looked at Garth. He signed, “No, I don’t. I don’t understand. I am sorry.”

Garth smiled and then he whispered into Sam’s ear, “I think you’re supposed to go to Bobby’s house where your greenhouse is.”

Sam nodded seriously. Then they started walking toward Bobby’s house. Sam was glad he wore decent shoes today otherwise his feet would be killing him.

_++_

_“What is your name?”_

_Boy curled up in a ball on the bed and tried to hide his face. He didn’t want to face this man. This man was cruel. He made all of his cuts sting. This man liked to touch his wounds. Most of the men Azazel had him with avoided the wounds but this man sought them out._

_“What is your name?” The man’s voice was gentler this time._

_Boy tried to bury his face further in his arms. He knew Azazel would punish him later for trying to hide and for not being pleasing. However, all he knew was pain so what was one more lashing?_

_“Please kid, tell me your name. I want to help you. Can I see your arm again?”_

_Boy moved his arm out and the man took it. He peeled back the bandage Azazel put over Dean’s name. Azazel had burned it the night before and it was seeping fluid. Azazel told him that made him ugly._

_“Your soulmate’s name is Dean Winchester. I will find out who you are.”_

_Boy didn’t say anything but he felt the mattress shift and something wrapped in a thin metal was placed in front of him._

_“It is a candy. You look like you could use something to eat and that is all I have.”_

_Boy nervously reached forward and picked up the object. It was unknown to him. He didn’t know what to do with it but he knew he didn’t want to eat metal._

_The man had a nervous chuckle, “You have to take the wrapper off first.”_

_Boy peeled back the thin metal to reveal something dark brown. It was darker than his hair and dimmer than the color of aged dried blood. Boy put the food in his mouth and felt it melt slightly on his tongue. It had an odd taste. It was good. He didn’t understand why he was being given something good when he was bad._

_++_

Sam wandered into the salvage yard with Garth and Castiel following him. He wondered briefly how many more people were going to follow him around. Sam figured it was okay though since he kept getting lost in his thoughts and memories.

He walked around back to where his greenhouse was. Sam nervously stepped inside. His uncle was waiting for him. Bobby got up and gave Sam a hug which took him by surprise. Sam looked around at the plants. He saw that he had some squash to pick. Dean may have said no to year round zucchini but he didn’t say no to year round yellow squash.

Bobby leaned back and looked at Sam in the eyes. Sam thought Bobby looked upset but he didn’t understand why. Bobby seemed emotional when he said, “I love you, Sammy. You’re like a son to me and you’ve grown up to be such a strong young man. You make me proud.”

Sam was pretty sure strong was not the best word to describe himself but he didn’t sign that. He gave a small smile and signed, “Thank you, Uncle Bobby. I love you too.”

Bobby handed Sam another note which Sam opened slowly. He was starting to feel a sense of dread with this exercise.

_“Sammy,_

_I’ve never understood your fascination with this garden, but it is beautiful. It shows that you can care and nurture. It shows that you are part of this world and you make life grow._

_You’ve helped me grow as a person and for that I am grateful. I would have never have become a man without you by my side._

_Our tree grew long before I built this greenhouse or you planted your first seed. Your next surprise is waiting there._

_Love,_

_Dean”_

Sam put the note in his pocket with all the others. Then he looked at Bobby and signed, “I think I am supposed to go to Soulmate Park.”

Bobby pulled his keys out of his pocket and said firmly, “I’ll drive. You’re probably getting sick of all of this walking.”

Sam nodded and signed, “Thank you.”

They all piled into Bobby’s car and Sam let his thoughts take him as stared out the window.

_++_

_“Hey kid, stay with me.”_

_Boy looked at him with blurry eyes. This man was wearing a blue mask that was different. He didn’t know what to make of that. Boy had never seen that shade of blue before. He was pretty sure it was blue but it could be another color that he had never seen before._

_There were lights on the ceiling that shined around this man’s head. Boy wondered if he was an angel as his eyes started to slip closed. Meg said they saved people worth saving but he wasn’t one of them. Maybe she was wrong._

_“Come on kid, you have to stay with me. Don’t give up on me.”_

_Boy’s eyes flickered open and he remembered his reason for being. The name on his arm of the man he never met. The love he felt in his chest from Dean. What would Dean say if he gave up? Would he be happy to be rid of him? Or sad to have never have met him? Boy didn’t know._

_“You’re doing great, kid. Just keep your eyes open. Can you talk? What is your name?”_

_He wanted to slip away and never feel this pain again. He wanted his to be over._

_++_

Sam got out of Bobby’s car when they got to the park. He walked through the park a couple times before. Dean had showed him their tree. Dean planted it with their dad after he went missing. Sam knew they had a vigil for him every year at the park after he went missing.

As he walked through the park he noticed people standing around. Some of them were people he saw in the pictures from the candle light vigils that were held for him every year. Sam had never met most of them. He never thought he mattered to anyone except his family.

He noticed along the ground were pictures and burnt down candles that were no longer lit. There were notes and children’s toys. He recognized the notes and toys. Sam knew they were left for him and his dad always kept all of in boxes in a storage shed at Bobby’s house. He had looked through some of it before but he never understood why anyone would leave anything for him.

Sam stopped and knelt down next to blue teddy bear. He opened the note in the bear’s arms. _“Come home safe, Little Sammy. We are praying for you.”_ He put down the bear and the note. Sam had tears in his eyes. God never listened to prayers or maybe God did and Sam just had to pay for being bad before he could come home.

He slowly made his way to the tree he shared with Dean. Sam was expecting to see Dean by the tree, instead he saw Gabriel. He walked up to Gabriel hesitantly. He wasn’t sure what Gabriel was going to give him and there were a lot of people around.

Sam was surprised when Gabriel signed instead of speaking, “Are you doing okay, Sam? You look a little spooked. Don’t worry most of these people have no idea what I am saying right now.”

Sam looked at Gabriel for a moment and then he signed out of curiosity, “Who are all these people? Why are they here?”

Gabriel smiled and said calmly, “Sam, these are some of the people who never gave up on you. These people wanted you to come home to Dean. They wanted to see you back safe in your father’s arms and watch you grow up to be the overgrown man that you are. These people care about you, Sam and please never think you were unwanted because you were always wanted.”

Sam watched as Castiel came up next to Gabriel and Gabriel moved an arm around his soulmate. It made Sam want Dean all of a sudden. Dean could handle groups of people better than he could and Sam could just sort of hide.

Gabriel handed Sam another note which Sam opened under the watchful eye of the crowd.

_“Sammy,_

_When you were taken away from me, I always felt closest to you here. I felt like this was the one place we shared even though you weren’t here when this tree was planted. Sometimes, I would come out here and tell you about my day. I never told you that before but somehow I thought you could hear me. I don’t know if you could._

_Dad parked somewhere around here. You should go find him for your next surprise._

_Love,_

_Dean”_

Sam looked up at Gabriel and Castiel he said in a weak voice, “Dad?”

Gabriel smiled and said, “I think he is by the Impala.” Gabriel pointed down the path toward the end of the park on the opposite side they came in. Sam slowly started to make his way that direction through all of the people and decorations.

_++_

_“Sammy, I don’t know how to tell you this but the undercover agent you told me about knew you were in that house for two and half years. I’m sorry. They are offering a settlement for our silence on the matter.”_

_Sam looked up at his dad with uncertainty. He would have been nine years old when he first met the agent. Nine years old the first time he touched him. The man laughed at him getting tortured and sexually assaulted. The man found joy in his pain and did not protect him._

_He wasn’t worth saving. Sam knew that now without a doubt. He wondered about how many others there were like him. How many others were left to suffer by the people who had sworn to protect. Sam knew that with what he wanted in life and he couldn’t stay silent. Others had to know so what happened to him never happened to anymore else._

_Sam said in a weak voice but it was firm inside his head, “No.” Then he signed, “I can’t let this happen to anyone else.” His hands shook as he signed. Sam got up from the sofa and retreated to his bedroom as tears ran down his face. He locked the door behind him to keep the cruel world that hated him at bay._

_++_

Sam found the Impala easily enough among all the other cars that were parked along the side of the road. It looked different than the rest of the cars. He remembered that Dean told him the Impala was a classic car but he didn’t really know what that meant. Sam knew that meant the car was old but didn’t understand at what point a car became a classic.

He walked over to his dad who gave him a hug. Sam was actually happy to be hugged by his dad. It made him feel safe from all the people he didn’t know nearby. Thankfully not all of the people at the park were following him.

John pulled back from Sam and brushed Sam’s hair out of his face. He smiled and said, “You make me proud. I am honored to call you my son. I love you. You.. You know that right?”

Sam nodded and signed, “I know. I love you too, Dad.” He wasn’t sure what was going on but part of him wondered if they were going to kill him, torture him, or sell him to someone else like Azazel. Sam knew he shouldn’t think like that but it was always in the back of his mind.

John handed Sam a note and said, “This is the last one. It’ll lead you to Dean.”

Sam opened the note carefully and read it.

_“Sammy,_

_I love you. I wish I could predict what you’re feeling right now but I can’t. I hope you realized today that you mean something to a lot of people. You are wanted, Sam. You were missed and loved. It wasn’t just me, Dad, and Bobby that cared, a lot of people cared._

_Please come home to me._

_Love,_

_Dean”_

Sam tucked the note in his pocket and looked at his dad. John smiled and said, “I’ll give you a ride.” The slipped into the car leaving the other people behind or Sam hoped anyways. John opened the glove box once they were inside the car and handed something to Sam. He asked cautiously, “Are you still thinking about giving this to Dean today?”

Sam took the box and sat in on his lap. He said weakly, “Yeah.”

_++_

_“How can you love that little freak over me? I can give you so much more than him. Can’t you see that? Are you that blinded by your name on his arm? Your name is covered in scars. How do you know he didn’t do that to himself and is just blaming someone else? Has he ever taken responsibility for his role in what happened to him? No, he hasn’t. He just cries like a broken bitch.”_

_Sam knew he wasn’t supposed to be listening to this when Lisa picked Ben up. Dean thought he was in his room, but Sam was thirsty and he ventured out to get something to drink. Lisa’s words reminded him of what he was, a nuisance._

_He was surprised by the anger in Dean’s voice, “Don’t ever talk about him like that. Sam is not a freak and he can give me more than you can. He always has and he always will. Sam protected me when he thought I hated him. He willingly let himself suffer for my happiness which is something I know you would never do. You may have given me a son but you are not the person I want to spend my life and eternity with.”_

_++_

The drive to their house was short. Sam stepped out of the car and he held the small jewelry box in his hand. He hoped he could get the words out. He nervously walked up the door. Sam pulled his key out of his pocket to unlock the door but he found it unlocked.

Sam stepped inside and saw that brightly colored streamers decorated the living room. Gabriel, Castiel, Garth, Jessica, and Bobby were waiting off to the side. Sam knew his dad was behind him. He saw Dean standing off away from everyone else with Ben.

Ben had a little t-shirt on that read, _Will you be my daddy too?_ Sam wasn’t sure what to make of that. He heard John close the door to the house and Sam felt momentarily trapped before he calmed himself. Ben rushed up to Sam and pulled on Sam’s pant legs.

Sam picked up the toddler and Ben said with a very serious face, “Uncle Sammy, Daddy loves you. I love Uncle Sammy.” Sam smiled and handed Ben off to his dad. The boy squealed, “Papa!” Once John had him in his arms.

He slowly walked over to Dean. He could feel Dean and he knew Dean was fearing rejection right now. When he got close to Dean he noticed tears in Dean’s eyes. His voice was shaking. “I scared you with all of this. I am so sorry.”

It was true Dean did scare him but it wasn’t Dean’s fault his mind kept drifting to sadder times. He didn’t really know what to say so he just smiled at Dean. He signed in an attempt to reassure Dean, “It’s okay. I have just never experienced something like this before.”

Dean gave an uneasy smile and said to himself, “Okay here goes nothing.” Dean started to kneel down and Sam caught his arm to stop him. He gave Sam a confused look then somehow they both ended up kneeling on the floor.

Dean was still staring at Sam trying to figure out what was going on when Sam spoke using his voice, “Dean, will you marry me?” Sam’s words were light and airy but they were still there.

Dean wrapped his arms around Sam to hug him as he momentarily forgot to be gentle. He said repeatedly, “Yes Sammy. God yes, I’d be honored.” 


	51. Chapter 51

Dean was a little surprised when Sam proposed. If he had known, he probably wouldn’t have planned the biggest chick flick day in all of creation for Sam’s benefit. It scared Sam anyways so he probably should have scaled back a lot. Dean didn’t know how to make Sam happy or how to make him feel special.

He was currently laying on the floor of Sam’s room on the little nest of pillows. He was staring at his ring. Dean knew it was his dad’s ring once and from his dad’s soulmate. Dean felt bad that his dad never got to meet his soulmate. Never getting to really know his soulmate was almost something Dean had to face, but he got to know Sam.

He doesn’t understand Sam. Dean knows Sam went through something horrible but he doesn’t understand how it can still affect him so much. He did notice a change in Sam’s attitude toward that. At first Sam thought there was something wrong with him. Sam thought he was bad or something. Dean thought Sam might still think that on occasion but now, Dean can see and feel Sam’s anger with the situation.

Sam, of course, has no problems pointing out Dean’s misgivings. Dean knows he can probably never be everything Sam needs. He’s pretty sure on the list of people in Sam’s life he is at the bottom regarding trust. Sam told him once, _“You weren’t there for me when I needed you the most. You were off having sex with Lisa and don’t tell me you weren’t I could feel it.”_ Those words stung. It was a little creepy that Sam knew when he was having sex. Dean could never feel when Sam had sex before he was rescued. Of course, Sam wasn’t enjoying himself the times he had sex.

Now Dean had to figure out a way to keep Sam calm during sex and for his baby brother to enjoy it. This was not going to be easy. Dean looked up when he heard the bedroom door close and Sam laid down next to him. He shifted and put his arm loosely around Sam. He asked, “Is this okay?” Dean was never sure if it was okay to touch Sam or not.

Sam said a quiet, “Yeah.” His voice was getting stronger but Sam couldn’t do inflections in his voice and he still couldn’t say a lot of things. Sam’s vocabulary was small and Dean wondered how long Sam worked on being able to ask him if he could marry him. Dean had a feeling someone helped him. He had a couple guesses on who those people might be.

Dean closed his eyes and he could feel that Sam was nervous about something. He slowly peeled his eyes open and asked, “What is bothering you, Sammy?”

Sam shifted and sat up. Dean knew this was so he could sign easier. Sam straightened the hem of his shirt and then he signed, “When do you want to have sex with me? I read that it is acceptable for you to do that to me anytime.”

Dean hated these conversations when he was sleepy. He ran his hands over his face and asked very carefully, “Do you want to have sex?” He knew the answer to that question before he asked it. The answer was no.

He was a little surprised when Sam gave him a frustrated look and signed, “Why won’t you do to me what you sought out others to do? Am I not good enough for you or are you afraid you’ll still want them?”

_Great,_ Dean’s mind supplied. Now Sam thought that the only way to keep Dean faithful to him was by offering himself up for sex. It made Dean feel a little sick. He knew he caused this by his actions and the stuff he said to his dad and friends in a moments of anger. Dean regretted his words now. He didn’t know if Sam ever heard him say anything about that, but sometimes it felt like Sam knew more than he let on.

Dean knew this conversation could go the route of them asking each other questions and neither of them answering. It wasn’t effective communication as Pam would say. Dean had no idea what Ash would say. None of the less, Dean decided to end the back and forth questions with no answers. “Sam, I want to have sex with you and I would be willing to do that right now. That said, I am more than willing to wait for you like I should have done in the first place. But I was weak..”

Sam cut Dean off and signed, “You’re not weak. You’re stronger than me.”

Dean frowned. They both knew that wasn’t true. Even their dad knew that wasn’t true. Sam was the stronger soulmate. It did make Dean wonder what would have happened if he had been in Sam’s situation. He guessed he wouldn’t have made it. Dean continued speaking, not bothering to point out what Sam said wasn’t true. “I want you to enjoy sex. Have you even had an orgasm?”

Sam frowned and said, “No.” He seemed to be thinking about something and Dean let him. He always held out hope that the pieces would click together for Sam, even if they never have in this area. Sam blushed and Dean could feel embarrassment from Sam. He waited to see if Sam would say anything. His patience paid off when Sam signed, “After I started getting those shots, sometimes I would get what is called an erection.”

Dean had to take a few calming breaths and think of some thing else because the way Sam said that made him want to laugh and he didn’t want Sam to feel that he thought this was funny. Dean chose his words carefully when he said, “That’s normal, Sam. Have you tried to do anything about it? You know like touching it?” Dean was fairly certain that if and when he ever slept Sam it would be the most awkward sex of his life.

Sam gave him a confused look and signed, “No, I.. Azazel.. Nevermind.”

Dean closed his eyes and stated slowly but firmly, “We’ve already established that Azazel is a sadistic asshole and he lied to you. Would you mind telling me what garbage Azazel told you so I can tell you why Azazel was lying to you?” He knew he sounded like a dick when he said that but he needed to know. Well, it was more like he wanted to know and he knew he could manipulate Sam into telling him. Sam had a tendency to defer to him.

Sam didn’t sign anything for a few moments then he signed as his hands shook, “Azazel had Alastair cut me down there because I got an erection. He said I wasn’t allowed to become a man and if I ever tried he’d find a way to hurt me more.”

Dean wondered briefly at what point Azazel would have killed Sam. The over six foot tall man Sam had become wasn’t exactly a pedophile’s dream and Sam’s body was so battered it didn’t seem likely to Dean that Azazel would have been able to sell Sam for other purposes. Dean realized in that moment that the castration was nothing more than an effort to keep Sam in the state of a child a little bit longer.

Of course, the castration nearly killed Sam. It did make Dean wonder how Garth survived without medical intervention. Then again maybe the castration could have been how Azazel chose to kill Sam. It would have been painful and slow. Although, Dean imagined that any death would seem slow. He was glad Sam survived that but he remembered the pain he felt from Sam that day and he remembered feeling Sam give up. Dean knew Sam didn’t die that day but he was fairly certain at least part of Sam did die.

Dean sighed and said calmly, “Azazel lied to you and he is in prison along with his goons. He can’t hurt you anymore. Besides, you’re almost an adult. You’re taller than me and you’ve packed on a little bit of muscle with the working out you do. You’re a man, Sam. You’re not the little boy that Azazel could bully and torture. You’re probably strong enough to knock him out if he even tried anything now.”

Sam frowned and signed, “I’ve never hit anyone.”

Dean leaned back and said, “I wish I could say the same but I would never regret punching Azazel in the face. Anyways, enough about me wanting to harm Azazel. This is supposed to be a conversation about us and sex.”

Sam laid back down on the pile of pillows and said simply, “Yeah.”

Dean look a deep breath and stated, “I want to try to make you feel good. I want to try to let you experience an orgasm. Is it okay if I touch you like that?”

Sam stared at the ceiling and signed, “You can touch me however you want. You’re my soulmate.”

Dean didn’t know if that was permission or simple acceptance. He decided to go with permission for his own peace of mind. He moved closer to Sam and said, “Okay, you can tell me to stop whenever you want. If you can’t say no or sign it just tap me on the shoulder twice. I will stop. I promise.”

Sam nodded in response and closed his eyes. Dean wasn’t sure if Sam was trying to relax or block out what was about to happen. He hoped Sam was trying to relax. He moved and kissed Sam gently on the lips. Dean knew Sam never got aroused from this, but Sam did know how to kiss back. Sam had always been a good kisser and Dean liked to think it was just natural between them. He didn’t like to think there might be another reason.

He ran his hand lightly over Sam’s chest and abdomen. Dean felt Sam tense but he kept gently touching and kissing Sam until he relaxed. Then he moved his hand under Sam’s shirt as he kissed down the side of Sam’s neck. He still wasn’t feeling arousal from Sam. When Dean was with girls and he did this they were moaning by this point. All he felt from Sam was acceptance that wasn’t what Dean wanted to feel from Sam. Dean was aroused but he was choosing not to focus on that right now. He knew if Sam was turned on they could just rut against each other, but Dean knew he’d have to try a little harder.

Dean pulled Sam’s shirt off and kissed Sam in the center of his chest. That was when he felt arousal from Sam. He grinned and knew he was on the right path. Dean continued to kiss on Sam’s chest. He made a point of kissing each one of Sam’s scars. There were a lot of scars but they were starting to fade with time and become less noticeable.

Slowly Dean unbuttoned Sam’s pants and unzipped them. He glanced up at Sam and saw that his eyes were tightly closed. Dean started to kiss the scars along Sam’s belly when he slipped a hand into Sam’s boxers. Sam was half hard and Dean could feel his pubic hair. Out of curiosity Dean touched Sam a little further down where his testicles would have been. Dean felt smooth skin covered in hair.

Dean moved his hand back up to Sam’s cock when he started to feel Sam’s discomfort. Sam still hadn’t told him to stop and Dean wasn’t feeling distress from Sam at this point. He started gently stroking Sam’s penis. It took a few minutes before Sam was completely hard but Sam still didn’t seem to get as hard as him. Dean was feeling a lot of things from Sam. There were moments when he could feel Sam liked it, moments when Sam was ashamed, and moments when he was uncertain.

Dean stopped kissing around on Sam’s chest and belly. He continued to stroke as he asked Sam, “Are you doing okay?”

Sam’s hands were curled tightly down by his sides and he nodded yes to Dean. Dean pulled his body up and kissed Sam on the lips. Sam opened his eyes for the first time since this all started. They were bright with unshed tears. Dean leaned his forehead against Sam’s as he continued to stroke Sam. He really hoped Sam could orgasm. He knew Sam could in theory but he knew in practice it could be another story.

Dean held eye contact with Sam as he slowly felt Sam’s body tense. The tensing wasn’t from discomfort, Sam was getting close. Dean started to stroke a little faster as Sam’s body went stiff and Sam’s whispered out, “Dean.” He felt his hand get wet with Sam’s semen. Dean looked into Sam’s eyes as he had his first orgasm. A few tears escaped Sam’s eyes.

Dean pulled his hand out of Sam’s pants and smiled. He gave Sam one more kiss on the lips as Sam caught his breath. He asked while grinning, “Did you like that?”

Sam took a couple deep breaths and pulled away from Dean. He signed, “I don’t know. Do you want me to please you now? Just tell me what you want and I can do it.”

Dean wiped off his hand with a tissue and he noticed that his own erection really was starting to hurt. Still he didn’t want to pressure Sam into anything. He shrugged and said, “I can take care of it myself or you can do something but I only want you to do what you feel comfortable with.” 


	52. Chapter 52

Sam turned eighteen and he skipped his high school graduation. Going to Dean’s graduation was stressful and he didn’t want to sit through his own. Dean was disappointed but Sam wasn’t very concerned about it. Bobby always told him to do what makes him feel comfortable and Sam wanted to have a nice evening. He knew he couldn’t have that by going to graduation.

He went to the city on the day of his graduation with Dean. Sam had been growing closer to Dean but the sex still made him uncomfortable. He didn’t really mind pleasing Dean however he wanted. He just didn’t care for it when Dean wanted him to feel that way too. It was hard to explain, but it was easy for him to blank out and just go through the motions when Dean wanted something. Sam was pretty sure Dean noticed but didn’t comment on that. However, when Dean wanted Sam to ‘enjoy sex’, Sam couldn’t just blank out. He had to focus and tell himself it was just Dean. It would be okay. Dean wouldn’t hurt him and this was what people who love each other do.

They still had not had anal sex and Sam was secretly grateful for that. He knew from experience that anal sex was extremely painful. Sam knew Dean would want that someday and he would give it to him. Even so, Sam knew that he could never be everything Dean wanted or needed. Azazel broke him in that regard. He knew he was nothing more than used goods.

The thought that he would be expected to have sex with Dean forever was a little unsettling to Sam. Sometimes, he wished he had a choice in who he loved. He wished he could have fallen in love like someone in the novels he read. Instead, he had Dean. Sam had felt Dean his entire life and he lived for Dean. Their status together had always been a given. Even when he was with Azazel, Sam knew the importance of Dean.

Sam remembered picturing meeting Dean sometimes when he was with Azazel. Surprisingly, Dean didn’t look all that different than the mental image of Dean he created. In his mind Dean was older than he was when they met. Dean looked a lot like he does now at 22. Sam remembered that Dean’s eyes in his mental image were the same. Sometimes, he wondered if he just knew what Dean looked like. He wondered if Dean knew what he looked like.

Dean had convinced him to go to speech therapy and Sam agreed on the condition that someone would always accompany him. It was usually John or Bobby that went with him, not Dean. It hurt a little that Dean didn’t make time for him and go with him after Dean pushed for him to go. Sam didn’t tell Dean that though. He just accepted the company of his father or uncle.

Sam decided to take his mind off of those things. They were spending the weekend with Garth. He curled up on Garth’s sofa and opened the book he had been reading. Bobby took him the library every couple weeks. He liked the quietness of a library and getting to read anything. There was so much about the world Sam didn’t know and the library let him learn about the things he didn’t know.

It was also nice getting to go to the library with Ben. Sam got to look at the children’s books he missed out on. He started trying to read Ben a story each night they had him. Sam wanted to speak when he told Ben the story which sometimes proved to be a challenge. Dean or John had to pick up on some of the words for him but Ben didn’t seem to mind.

Sam looked up when the sofa shifted slightly and Garth sat down next to him. Garth looked over at his book and asked, “What are you reading?”

Sam closed the book so he could talk to his friend. His voice was a little shaky, “I am read.. reading about the Romans.” He looked down when he finished talking. There was more he wanted to say but it would require signing and he was trying to be like everyone else. Making r sounds required a lot of focus for him.

Garth said happily, “The Romans were dicks in some ways.” He paused and his tone was serious, “Sam, you know it is okay to sign, right? I won’t think any less of you and I don’t think Dean would either.”

Sam smiled and said, “Thank you.” He stared at the book for a moment and then he signed, “What does it mean to ravage a woman?”

Garth sighed and said carefully, “Usually it means raping a woman. As you and I both know, virginity is valued. Someone taking away a woman’s virginity was considered to take everything away from her. That said, I think they just beat and raped the women followed by burning their village. I don’t think their torture was as on going as what you and I experienced. That doesn’t mean their experiences are less than ours, it still traumatized them and hurt them. What happened to those women was wrong.”

Sam nodded because he knew people in the past were treated poorly as well. He also knew it was still going on. It wasn’t as published or organized but it was still going on. Sam signed, “A court date was set for next month in my lawsuit against the FBI. They offered another settlement. This time without the gag order. Dad says they just want to avoid the press. He said I have to decide whether or not to accept it by the end of this weekend.”

Garth looked away and spoke his mind. “Money won’t make the pain you feel inside go away and it won’t make up for the years you lost. It won’t make up for you losing your childhood. It won’t make up for a lot of things, but you can use that money for good. Part of that good is making sure you are happy and taken care of. You always talk about wanting to see things. You’ll be able to go out and see things like the ocean. I mean, I know where you lived for years. It wasn’t pretty.”

Dean stood in the doorway of the room and listened to the exchange between Garth and Sam. He doubted that they knew he was there. He didn’t think he was eavesdropping. He just wanted to know what they were saying.

Sam signed in response. “I was thinking about accepting the offer. That way, when I decide to talk about what happened to me, it can be on my terms and I’ll be in control. I feel like right now everything is out of control and it scares me.”

Garth nodded and patted Sam on the leg. Dean knew that was a touch he couldn’t get away with. He always asked Sam permission first. Garth was the only person that Sam let touch him without shying away. Dean was pretty sure that was because Sam knew Garth and they spent countless nights together curled up in each other’s arms. Garth reassured Sam, “I am sure you will make the right choice. Speaking of choices are you going to college?”

Sam nodded and then he signed, “Yes, but I don’t know how to tell Dean. I don’t know if I can manage in the world without someone helping me. I have communication barriers and I get scared a lot. However, I do want to go to college. I got accepted to a college a few hours from home. It has a law school and that is what I wanted. I just don’t want to ask Dean to leave Ben for me. That seems unfair to Ben.”

Dean knew he would go with Sam, wherever Sam wanted. He could work around things with Ben. A few hours’ drive wasn’t a big deal. He could still see Ben on the weekends or they could start rotating weekly until Ben starts school. Dean did think it was interesting that Sam found Ben that important. It gave him hope that Sam was starting to like Ben.

++

John was enjoying a quiet evening at home. The boys were spending the weekend at Garth’s house. He knew they would stay out of trouble. John knew he didn’t really have to worry about Sam getting into trouble. It was Dean he worried about. He decided that he was going to kick back and enjoy a beer. It wasn’t something he indulged much in anymore. John wasn’t sure how Sam would react so he didn’t drink around him.

Just as John was about to open first bottle, he heard a knock on his front door. He went over and answered it. Standing on his doorstep was an old one night stand, Kate Mulligan. He looked next to her and there was a blonde haired boy. John thought he looked like a mix between Sam and Dean. He shook his mind of that thought.

He put on his friendly face and smiled. “Kate, I haven’t seen you in a while. How are things?” He hadn’t seen her in years. She was a one night stand one weekend when Bobby and Karen took Dean camping. They thought it would help get Dean’s mind off Sam. At the time, Dean had been complaining that his soulmate hurt more.

Kate looked worried then she blurted out, “I’m sorry, John. I would like you to meet your son. This is Adam.”

John felt the color drain out of his face. How many illegitimate children could this family have? He hoped this was a joke, but somehow when he looked at Adam he had his doubts. No wonder, Dean fooled around. John set a poor example. He took a deep breath and said, “Please come in.”

They sat down awkwardly on the sofa. John had no idea what to say. He wondered if it would be rude to demand a DNA test right away. He figured it probably was and if he was this child’s father, demanding a DNA test would only make him look like an asshole. John decided to discuss that matter with Kate in private. Dean had a DNA test done with Ben so John knew the cost on that was about $300.00 but he would get it done to be sure.

Adam piped up first. He sounded so much like Dean, “Mom said that you had a lot going on in your life and she didn’t want to burden you with me. But I really wanted to know who my dad is like the other kids.”

 _Wonderful_ , John thought. Adam wanted to know him because that was the in thing at school. He sighed and said sincerely, “Adam, if I am your father I am sorry I wasn’t in your life. How old are you now?”

Adam smiled and said happily, “12.”  John did a mental count in his head and that would make Adam the right age to sync up with his one night stand. The only question was how many more one night stands did Kate have?

Kate spoke next. She was nervous and John held eye contact with her. “I didn’t want to tell you about Adam because of everything with your two other sons. I didn’t want Dean to feel like you were trying to replace Sam with Adam. I also didn’t want to throw another child on you when you never got to bury the one you lost.”

John ran his hands over his face. He rested his hands over his face for a couple moments while he thought of what exactly to say. Carefully he said, “Sam isn’t dead. Sam and Dean are on a road trip to the city. Sam graduated high school this week and next month they are getting married.”

Adam looked around the living room and noticed Ben’s toys. John wasn’t ashamed to admit that Ben was spoiled. Partly of it was because of Sam. Sammy delighted in playing with Ben and he tolerated the toys that make noise much better than him or Dean. He knew Sam’s favorite thing to do with Ben was read to him.

Adam asked curiously, “Do you have another child besides Sam and Dean?”

John shook his head no and said cautiously, “No, those are my grandson’s toys. Dean has a son. His name is Ben.”

Adam looked confused and he said, “I thought Sam was a boy.”

John took a deep breath and said flatly, “Dean had an affair with a girl named Lisa Braeden. They had a son together. Dean is still working on rebuilding his trust with Sam after that.”

Adam looked horrified and he whispered out, “Mom, that’s the name of my soulmate. Do you think my Lisa wasn’t faithful to me?”

John decided in that moment that he was not having a beer after Adam and Kate left. He was going for the whiskey and calling Bobby.  Bobby would know what to do or at the very least give him moral support.


	53. Chapter 53

There was a lot of yelling when Sam returned home from their trip to the city. He didn’t like it. Dean was fighting with Lisa and Lisa’s soulmate was there. Sam knew their dad was somehow involved with everything, but he wasn’t exactly clear on how. He retreated to the back porch to be away from the yelling. He didn’t like to lock himself in his room anymore without Dean being with him. It was Dean’s room too.

Sam was watching the clouds slowly move by when he heard the backdoor open. Lisa’s soulmate stepped out and he sat down next to him on the steps to the porch. Sam knew his name was Adam and he lived in Wisconsin. Adam didn’t say anything for a few minutes. Sam thought that he may be content just to watch the clouds go by with him. Cloud watching was one of Sam’s simple pleasures in life.

When Adam did speak. Sam could hear anger and disappointment in his voice, “I’ve waited twelve years to meet my soulmate. I always felt her and I always thought for sure she would love me. I come here to meet my dad and I found out my soulmate slept with my older brother. She doesn’t love me.” Sam watched Adam as he spoke. Adam paused and shook his head and asked, “Does Dean love you?”

Sam formulated the words in his head. He knew he would have to speak since Adam didn’t know sign language. He focused when he said, “I think he does.”

Adam scoffed and said angrily, “I don’t know how you can forgive him for that. To me it’s like Lisa is saying that she doesn’t care if I go to Hell because of her. I mean that little to her that she would lower my place in Heaven. I just don’t understand how you can forgive Dean and accept Ben.”

Sam wanted to tell Adam that he had done worse things than Dean. Sam knew he lowered his place in Heaven with Dean further than Dean ever could have. However, he didn’t want to explain rape and kidnapping to a child. Sam focused on his words and said, “Dean is the best thing in my life.”

Adam rolled his eyes and said bluntly, “You’re life must really suck then.” Adam sighed and asked, “What happened to you anyways? My mom thought you were dead.”

Sam couldn’t say the word kidnapped. He wasn’t sure why. It just never came out sounding right. Instead he said, “My mom paid for a man to take me. He was not nice to me.”

Sam could see the look of shock on Adam’s face. He stumbled over his words. “Is that why you don’t say much and you talk funny? No offense, but when you talk it just sounds really strained.”

Sam didn’t really know what to say to that. He nodded his head yes because Azazel was the reason why he had trouble with speech. Sam decided not go into detail with that. A twelve year old didn’t need to know those things.

Adam looked at the clouds for a few moments then he asked, “How old were you when you got reunited with Dean and your dad?” Sam could hear the curiosity in Adam’s voice. He also knew Adam was trying to decide how much he hated Dean.

Sam said a simple, “Twelve.”

Adam nodded and stated harshly, “Dean is the best thing that ever happened to you? Really? He screwed my soulmate right in front of you. Dude, no offense but you’re messed up. You’re soulmate didn’t care about you enough to help you. He was.. He was screwing my soulmate who didn’t care enough about me or our place in Heaven. I don’t understand you and I hate the soulmate laws. We’re both stuck with assholes because of them.”

Sam wondered if Dean used poor language like that at twelve. He knew he didn’t but he couldn’t talk either and he was just starting to learn sign language. Castiel was the one that taught him how to sign the bad words but that wasn’t until much later.

Sam wasn’t really sure why but he felt the need to defend Dean. He didn’t argue the point about how Dean should have been there for him. He had told Dean that he should have been there. Adam was right in that regard but he didn’t think Dean was an asshole. “He is better now.”

Adam rolled his eyes and sighed. The anger was gone in his voice and now he just sounded defeated, “I have a soulmate that hates me. It hurts me inside to know that my soulmate doesn’t love me. Everything, I feel inside from her isn’t for me. The love, the stress, everything I felt from her wasn’t for me. It was for someone else. Do you have any idea what that feels like?”

Sam closed his eyes and said, “Yes.”

++

Dean wasn’t sure if Lisa was mad at him or Adam. Her voice was cold and Dean was glad that Ben wasn’t here. Ben, thankfully, was with Lisa’s parents. Lisa was shouting, “Why can’t you love me, Dean?”

This was beyond awkward. Not only was he standing in front of Lisa’s soulmate’s mother, his dad was there. He was fairly certain Sam was within earshot though he didn’t know where Sam wandered off to. He was also fairly certain that Adam, Lisa’s soulmate, could hear every word of her rant even though he left out of the backdoor in anger.

Dean took a deep breath and said firmly, “I’ve never loved you, Lisa.” It was true or at least Dean told himself it was true. “I love Sam. You knew when we started messing around that it was not serious. We were just blowing off steam until our soulmates came of age and we got to meet our soulmates. I admit, I lied to you because I knew Sam already. I knew he was brother and I knew he was missing. I was off fooling around with you when I should have been taking care of him. It is Sam I have to apologize to for that behavior not you.”

Lisa crossed her arms and fumed, “Yeah well, our plan worked out great. My soulmate hates me because I have a son with you. My god Dean, you could be my soulmate’s brother.”

Dean cringed at that. Family picnics were always going to be awkward if the DNA test confirmed that Adam was his brother. Either way, Adam would play a role in his life because of Ben. Bobby wasn’t convinced Adam was John’s son. It was convenient. Sam was about to become very wealthy. Bobby thought Kate, Adam’s mom, was gold digging. He thought that she was probably trying to get her piece of the wealth, not realizing it would be Sam’s money.

Sam still had difficulties navigating life so he did have conservatorship over his affairs. Their dad was listed as the conservator. The reason was because Sam got about a hundred thousand dollars when Azazel’s estate was liquidated. It was the same cut all of the victims got. Meg was left with close to nothing. Dean knew his dad wanted to use that money to pay for Sam’s college and therapy. Dean wasn’t sure if things would change so he was the conservator over Sam’s money after they got married. It didn’t really matter to Dean as long as Sam was taken care of.

Dean stopped his mind from wandering and said firmly, “If Adam is my brother then that is something I will discuss with him privately. You can’t have me. I belong to Sam. Are you going to try to work things out with Adam?”

Lisa crossed her arms said harshly, “I can’t with having Ben.”

Dean raised an eyebrow and said calmly, “I worked things out with Sam with Ben around. I know you think Sam is messed up, but Sam loves Ben. Sam pushes me to be a good father to Ben. He wants me to be in Ben’s life because he knows how important our father is to us.” Dean let the words spill out of his mouth before he realized he said that in front of Kate who kept Adam away from his father.

Lisa stomped her foot and shouted, “That child has been nothing but a pain in my ass. The only reason he isn’t a pain or struggle for you is because your dad supports you.”

Dean nodded and he would accept that argument. He confirmed, “Yes, I do live with my dad. I’m also going to college and working to pay you child support. I don’t pay my dad rent, if that is what you’re getting at. However, that is probably going to change when Sam goes to college. He hasn’t told me where he plans on going but I intend to go with him wherever he goes and you will _not_ keep me away from my son during that time.”

Lisa scuffed and said flatly, “It is so great you get to college and live that American dream, Dean. I had to quit and work a dead end job to support me and Ben.”

Dean pinched the bridge of his nose and said carefully, “Lisa, I pay for all of Ben’s daycare and medical in addition to child support. I have offered to watch Ben if you had evening classes. If we both had classes the same night I know my dad or uncle could watch Ben without complaint. The only person that is stopping you from going to college is you.”

Lisa started pacing and he decided to just wait her out. She was mad and Dean understood that. After about five minutes of angry pacing. She stopped and said, “I think you should take Ben for a while. At least until, I get things sorted out with Adam. I don’t love him. I love you, but I can’t try to love him with seeing you every week.”

Dean glanced at John because he didn’t know what to say to that. Thankfully his dad knew what to say. John was calm and collected. “Okay, I can call our lawyer and get the papers drawn up to give Dean custody and you visitation. Dean won’t ask for child support. I am certain that we can make sure Ben gets up to Wisconsin to see you and Adam. My brother, Bobby, or I can drop Ben off so you don’t even have to see Dean or Sam.”

Lisa was silent for several moments and Dean wasn’t sure if she would accept the offer or not. She nodded and crossed her arms. “Fine. I’ll call my parents to bring him over. They are charging me to watch him right now anyways.”

++

Lisa signed over Ben to Dean on Monday. Dean was somewhere between terrified and happy. Sam and John signed to accept the settlement offer. Not settling immediately actually got Sam more money and no gag order. Sam would receive forty million dollars. Dean knew it would be about half of that after taxes but Sam would never had to worry about money. Dean was also fairly certain the money meant absolutely nothing to Sam.

Sam was drawing in their room when Dean walked in after putting Ben down for a nap. He sat down across from Sam and asked, “What are you doing?”

Sam carefully put down his sketchbook and signed, “Thinking about what I read about soulmates and families. If Adam is our brother it would explain Lisa’s attraction to you. Sometimes soulmates are attracted to siblings of their soulmate when they can’t locate their actual soulmate.”

Dean grinned and said playfully, “I happen to be drawn to my very tall and handsome brother.”

Sam frown and signed, “I was being serious, Dean.”

Dean groaned and said sheepishly, “Sorry and I know. I love you. I am sorry about all of this stuff with Lisa. I know it is hard on you and I don’t know how much you heard of what Lisa had to say.”

Sam shrugged and signed, “I don’t care what Lisa had to say. I talked to Adam though. He seems nice. He’s worried about going to Hell because of Lisa. I think he’ll be okay though. If we can get into Heaven with everything I’ve done then surely he can get into Heaven with the little Lisa has done.”

Dean rolled his eyes and said firmly, “Sammy, God doesn’t hold what happened to you against you. God knows everything, right? So he knows you didn’t want that. God won’t condemn you because of the cruelty of others.”

Sam nodded and traced his fingers over his drawing. Dean looked and it was a drawing of Ben playing. Dean smiled at the drawing.  Sam moved his hands away and signed, “I want to go to college, Dean. I don’t expect you to want to go with me. I know I’ve been a burden to you. It is only a few hours from here so I can come home on the weekends to see you.”

Dean only knew of one college in Kansas that had a law school and it was nearly a four hour drive away. He was pretty sure that was the one Sam was talking about. He didn’t want to move there. That was where the home base of the Campbell family. It was likely that Mary, their mother, moved back there. Dean didn’t know where she was and it had never been a concern of his until this moment. He didn’t want Sam running into Mary.

He shook his head and said firmly, “Ben and I will go with you. We should go look for apartments next week and checkout daycares for Ben. I’ll need to look for a job too.”

Sam smiled and signed, “You don’t want to go to there. I can feel that. I got accepted to another college that has a law school. It is in California. I applied there on a bet with Gabriel. I got accepted.”

Dean perked up with that because any place was better than Kansas. He probably sounded a little overly hopeful when he asked, “Really? Which college?”

Sam signed as if it wasn’t a big deal, “Stanford, I got a scholarship from them too.” Dean was speechless when Sam said that. He was happy though. They were going to California.


	54. Chapter 54

Sam didn’t understand why Dean was so afraid. He had never felt this much fear from Dean before and he didn’t understand why their dad seemed calm but concerned about Dean. He also knew that John was keeping an eye on both of them.

They were in a parking garage in Denver. It didn’t seem scary to Sam. He had seen a lot of scary things in his life, but this wasn’t scary per se. It was dark and a little wet. Sam knew he wouldn’t want to walk through the parking garage alone, but he wasn’t alone and neither was Dean. He didn’t understand why Dean was so afraid.

Sam held his bag and Dean’s bag awkwardly while he waited for their dad to get Dean to calm down. He knew Azazel would have hit him if he ever acted like this. Sam remembered fear making it difficult for him to comply with what Azazel wanted in the past. He knew a few hits from Azazel always got him to focus and comply. Azazel never tried to reason him like John was trying to reason with Dean.

Sam could tell that John’s tone was less patient with Dean than the times John had to deal with one of his meltdowns. John tried to stay calm and kind, “Dean, we are not even at the airport yet. The plane is not going to crash. We will be fine and you need to calm down. You’re going to scare your brother.”

Dean shook his head as he slumped against the car. He took a few deep breaths and said with terror in his voice. “Flying is unnatural. It is a giant metal box in the sky. We are all going to die. Maybe we should drive instead. Sammy has never been on a road trip before.”

Sam smiled as John rolled his eyes. John said flatly, “Sam has never been on an airplane either and for the last time we are not going to die.”

Dean took a few more deep breaths and put his hand over his chest. He looked at Sam and was a little shocked when he said, “You find this amusing. We are going to be trapped in a giant flying piece of metal and you find my meltdown amusing.” Dean turned to his dad and said firmly, “See, I am not scaring him. I am entertaining him.”

Sam shrugged and formed the words he wanted to say in his head. He spoke slowly, “Dean, I do not understand why you are scared. I have been trapped in worse places than an airplane.”

John sighed and said to Sam, “Dean has a fear of flying. It’s a phobia. Some people are afraid of spiders. Dean is afraid of airplanes.”

Dean took a moment to gather himself then he remembered that he was smart enough to actually go to the doctor before this trip. He got a prescription for anti-anxiety medication because he knew he was going to be flying. Ever since one of Bobby’s friend that worked as a crop duster took him up in an airplane when he was eight, Dean had been scared of flying. Dean wasn’t sure if it was all the painful death by airplane stories the crop duster told as they flew around or if it was the crop duster’s desire to show off and do aerial stunts. Perhaps, it was a combination of the two.

Dean eased himself off of the car and took his bag from Sam. He sat it on the ground and opened it. He riffled through it until he found his prescription for anxiety. He found the Xanax and took the pill dry. Dean put the bottle back in his bag and zipped it up.

He looked over at Sam who was looking at him curiously. Sam signed, “What did you do?”

Dean grinned and took a deep breath, “I took some medication to make me feel better. I should be better in a little bit.”

++

Sam had never been in an airport before. It was a strange and new experience for him. It was a little unnerving but his dad was there to help him and Dean. Sam was fairly certain Dean knew how to handle this. Dean was just a little paranoid about the flight.

Going through security was weird for Sam because he had to take his shoes off and his carryon bag was scanned through an x-ray machine. Sam thought that was pretty neat. He liked watching the other planes pull in as they waited for their flight. The planes were much bigger and louder than Sam imagined. He was glad his dad remembered to pack him ear plugs to cut down on the noise.

When they boarded the flight they had seats next to each other. Sam was excited because he got the window seat. Dean sat next to him and their dad sat on the end by the isle. Originally, Sam was assigned to sit on by the isle, but his dad changed that.  John thought he wouldn’t be comfortable with people walking by him and bumping into him. John was right about that.

Sam stared out his small window and looked at the runway. It was interesting to watch the workers unload and load luggage. Dean glared at him and stated as if it was the worst thing in the universe, “You’re going to want to look out that window the whole time, huh?”

Sam nodded his head and said, “Yes Dean, is that okay?”

Dean leaned his head back on his seat and pressed his hands into the tops of his knees. Sam could see Dean’s knuckles turning white. Sam reached over and took one of Dean’s hands in his own and he was a little surprised when Dean leaned his head on his shoulder. Dean closed his eyes and whispered, “I feel better when I can touch you. God, I sound like such a girl.”

Sam smiled and he wished he knew how to laugh. He felt like a small chuckle would be what people would normally do in this situation. Sam rubbed his thumb across the top of Dean’s hand and he could slowly feel Dean start to relax. He wasn’t sure if it was from the pill Dean took or if it was from what he was doing. Either way, Sam was happy Dean was calming down.

He watched the plane take off and he felt momentarily frightened but Sam knew he was safe. Sam knew John wouldn’t let anything happen to him. Dean kept his eyes closed during takeoff. Once they were in the air Dean opened his eyes long enough to get his headphones in to listen to music. Then Dean closed his eyes again after returning his head to Sam’s shoulder.

Sam was content to look out the window of most of the flight while their dad did word puzzles. It was neat to Sam to be able to fly through the clouds. The houses looked like little specs on the ground. It made Sam feel small in comparison to the world. It made him realize just how small his world was with Azazel.

About halfway through the flight, Sam felt his shoulder where Dean’s head was resting getting wet. He looked and saw that Dean was asleep and drooling on him. Sam frowned and said quietly, “Dad.”

John looked at Dean and chuckled like Sam wanted to be able to do. He took a napkin out of his pocket and wiped Dean’s face. Dean didn’t wake up. John looked at Sam and said quietly, “I think it is the medication he took. I’ll tell him to only take a half of one on the flight home if he feels the need.”

Sam nodded and asked with uncertainty, “Is he okay?”

John smiled and said reassuringly, “He’ll be fine. It’s probably better he is asleep right now anyways otherwise he would be driving us nuts. You’re good to Dean, Sam. You’ve always been there for him and I think he knows that. He trusts you.”

Sam smiled and whispered, “I know.”

++

Dean was annoyed with his dad and Sam when they finally got off the plane. They tried to tell him that he was drooling on Sam and there was no way he would do that to Sam. He also knew that his apprehension with flying was completely justified. They were the ones with something wrong for thinking it was perfectly safe.

Aside from having to protect his manliness from his father and soulmate, Dean was impressed with how Sam was doing. Sam was talking more even though sometimes Sam chose to sign rather than speak. Dean knew it was easier for Sam to sign and Sam didn’t have to think about it. Dean knew Sam had to think before he spoke using his voice.

Dean hoped Sam continued to make progress. He was certain Sam could go far in life. Dean knew that even if Sam never accomplished anything else, Sam would have gotten a lot further that other people in his situation. As it was, Sam was able to overcome most of what Azazel did to him.

Dean knew that they were still lacking in the sex department. He didn’t push and he didn’t ask for much from Sam unless he started to notice that Sam thought he could be cheating again. Then Dean would ask Sam to set Sam’s mind at ease. He couldn’t help but feel like he was taking advantage of Sam in some way by asking Sam to get him off. Dean knew somewhere in the back of his mind that Sam didn’t really think he could say no.

He didn’t know how to make things right with Sam. Dean hoped that going to college and getting away from the people in their town that all knew Sam’s story would help. It would be nice if people did look at Sam like he was the boy in the basement anymore. If people could just see Sam. Dean knew it took him awhile to be able to really see Sam but he hoped other people could see Sam for the neat person he was becoming.

They checked into a motel and they got two rooms next to each other. Dean knew they could have all shared a room but Sam needed his privacy and he need to be able to get away. There was a door connecting their two rooms so everyone was close and Sam could have his space.

Dean was not expecting Sam’s near panic attack when he saw the bed that dominated the room. He moved the bed up against the wall and stole a vacuum from housekeeping and vacuumed the floor under the bed. Apparently, housekeeping didn’t do that on regular basis. Then he laid down the blankets and pillows he was able to gather. It was a make shift nest of sorts. Dean knew it wouldn’t be nearly as comfortable as the one they had at home. He put a lot of effort into finding the right pillows to sleep on so he wouldn’t wake up with a backache.

While Dean was doing all of this Sam was curled up in the corner of the room shaking and crying. Their dad was doing his best to calm Sam down. Dean knew once he got his project done that Sam was irrationally afraid of beds. He knew bad things happened to Sam on beds before, but bad things also happened to Sam in front of sofas or on the floor. Sam wasn’t afraid of those things. Sam could even go to sleep on a sofa. Dean wondered if there was something more with the bed thing that he wasn’t telling them.

Dean gently knelt down next to his dad by Sam. He kept his voice soft because he knew when Sam got like this being loud would only make it worse. “Hey Sammy, I moved the bed out of the way and I made us a place to sleep and relax. You’re safe. I promise.”

Sam nodded his head and repeated, “Safe?” It sounded almost like a foreign word on Sam tongue. Dean wished he understood how Sam could be perfectly fine one minute then either mute or down to one word answers the next.  It was frustrating and it made Dean want to kill Azazel slowly.

Dean was also fairly certain their dad perfected the soothing voice, “Yes Sammy, you’re safe. Dean and I are both here. No one is going to hurt you.”

++

Three hours later Dean had the television volume on low. He held Sam in his arms and Sam seemed to be okay with that. Sam was watching some children’s program on television. Dean wasn’t really sure what it was about. It was something Ben liked to watch and that was about all he knew about it.

They were planning on going out to eat tonight, but John decided to have dinner in the room and he had left to go pick up the pizzas. John thought that a delivery guy knocking on the door to their room could unsettle Sam even more.

Dean was startled when Sam spoke. It was barely a whisper when he said, “I’m sorry.”

Dean chuckled and gave Sam a light squeeze. “You don’t have anything to apologize for. Are you doing better?”

Sam nodded his head yes and then he rested it back against Dean’s shoulder. Dean would never admit it but he like it when Sam was cuddly with him. It made him feel content and whole. Dean wondered if it made Sam feel the same way and Sam just resisted the touch sometimes.

Carefully Dean asked, “Do you know what set you off? Was it the bed?”

Sam shrugged and straightened up a little bit. He still spoke softly instead of signing which Dean was proud of him for. “I think the bed was part of it. It is new and I think I thought bad things would happen.”

Dean nodded and supplied, “Because we took you to a place with a bed?”

Sam nodded and said, “Yes. I’m sorry.”

Dean hummed and kissed the top of Sam’s head. He said gently, “You don’t need to apologize. Thank you for telling me that. It helps me to understand you better, so I don’t hurt you.”

Sam shook his head and stated, “It was you. I thought you were going to get hurt.”

Dean was confused because he couldn’t understand why Sam would think that he was about to get hurt. He asked, “Why would you think I was going to get hurt? I’m fine.”

Sam swallowed and signed, “You were drugged and we were taken here. Sometimes, I was given drugs before they took me back to a room like this. It was never good.”

Dean was glad that he could understand Sam’s signs from odd angles. He felt bad for taking the Xanax. He wouldn’t have done it if he had known it would cause Sam this much grief. Of course, he didn’t know how he would have gotten through that flight without a panic attack or worse without it. All Dean knew was when they did move to California they were driving.


	55. Chapter 55

Mary waited in the back of a nice restaurant in New York. She had flown here a couple weeks ago to stay off anyone’s radar or so she hoped. She was angry and disappointed after she got the news her sons were planning on getting married. As a mother, it was her worst nightmare. She didn’t understand how John could be so supportive of them being together in that way.

She had read the news stories about what happened to Sam. The stories didn’t name Sam but she was able to piece a little bit together. Mary, honestly, did not know that was going to happen. She thought Sam was going to be placed with a family somewhere far away and live a somewhat normal life. Sam would never know his true name was Sam Winchester, so he would never find his way to Dean. Things didn’t work out like that though.

Mary heard the chair across from her move and she looked up to see a beautiful blonde woman sit down. She knew this woman was slightly older than her but Mary couldn’t see the age on the woman’s face. Only her eyes gave away her true age. They were cold and scarred. Mary guessed it was from seeing to many thing in her life.

The woman smiled and held out her hand. Her voice was kind but it sent chills up Mary’s spine, “Hello Mary, I am Lilith. It is nice to meet you.”

Mary returned the handshake. It wasn’t a firm handshake. It was light and delicate like the stereotypical lady’s handshake. Mary faked a smile and said nervously, “Thank you. It is nice to meet you so we can discuss my problem.”

Lilith nodded and leaned back in her seat. She waited for the waiter to pour her a glass of red wine before she responded. Her voice was as smooth as silk, “I am sorry about the way your business matter was handled. I knew there was a snitch somewhere in Azazel’s inner circle. I ordered him to kill the boy, but he didn’t. Azazel just injured the boy and now the boy is a barely functioning adult.” Lilith shrugged, “I wasn’t pleased.”

Mary clinched her fists around her napkin and whispered loudly, “You weren’t supposed to kill or torture him. You were just supposed to make sure he never found his way to Dean. Not only did he find his way to Dean, they are getting married within the month. I need to know how to stop this.”

Lilith ran her finger around the top of her glass. Mary knew she was thinking and not focusing on what was being said. Lilith’s voice was cold. “I could have gotten Dean into a suburban home with a white picketed fence. Everyone would have jumped at the chance to adopt a blonde haired and green eyed boy. The other one.. Sam… He would have been harder and we wouldn’t have gotten as high of payout. We received a better return on our investment with the path we took.”

Mary fumed because she didn’t understand. Her youngest son was a pretty baby. She could sometimes admit to herself that she never loved Sam but she still had a heart somewhere. She didn’t know everything but she knew Sam was hurt deeply. “He was six months old. Granted his eyes were changing color and he had dark brown hair but that didn’t make him ugly. Surely you could have found someone.”

Lilith shook her head no and clearly stated, “He wasn’t exceptional. Dean was exceptional. I believe Azazel told you this. Even at four, they would have had an easy time placing Dean because of his looks. Granted, he would have had to go through a program to forget his old life which would have been quite painful for him but he would have had that nice life afterwards.”

Mary knew some of this from when she talked with Azazel all those years ago. Azazel didn’t want Sam at first. He wanted Dean but Mary wouldn’t let them have Dean. She didn’t feel love for Sam but she did love Dean and she didn’t want to see Dean hurt. Mary could see the error in her ways. She knew now that she should have just let them have Dean and left John with Sam.

Mary took a calming breath and asked firmly, “I don’t want this wedding to happen. I need to know how you are going to get _Sam_ out of the picture.”

Lilith chuckled and took a sip of her wine. She replied playfully, “Such venom toward your son, I like it.” She sighed and said distantly, “There isn’t much I can do, I am afraid. If either Sam or Dean disappeared it would look suspicious. Given the prior cases and the fact that Sam just took the feds to the cleaners, everyone will be on it if they disappeared.”

Mary stared at the ceiling for a moment while she gathered her thoughts. She asked carefully, “Can you kill him without arousing suspicion? I don’t want Dean dead just Sam.”

Lilith chuckled again and said flatly, “No, I cannot not. My informants tell me they share a strong bond. Kill one, you kill the other. If Azazel killed the boy like I told him to, Dean would have died shortly after. His heart would have stopped.” She shrugged and added, “Whatever it was you were trying to stop them from doing by keeping them apart has probably already happened. My informants tell me that they are fucking. I think that was what you were trying to stop. You didn’t want them fucking each other.” Lilith had a slight smirk on her face when she finished talking.

Mary paled slightly at Lilith’s words. She couldn’t save Dean. She couldn’t protect him from Sam and from loving his brother more than he should. Mary asked curiously, “What about getting Sam put in an institution? That would stop the marriage if he was not deemed mentally fit.”

Lilith laughed loudly. Then she crossed her arms against the table and looked Mary in the eyes. “I can’t make that happen. Trust me, I’ve tried. John has refused to institutionalize Sam from the start. I thought that if I could get him in an institution we could drug the boy like we did with Azazel’s previous pet that got away. John refused. He hired Sam a therapist that is off my payroll. He found someone to help Sam learn sign language that is also off my payroll. Sam can function because of the things John did. However, John does have conservatorship over Sam’s financial affairs. My understanding is that will be passed on Dean once the marriage is finalized.”

Mary rubbed her temples and asked in defeat, “Then what I am supposed to do.”

Lilith stared off to the side and said calmly, “I don’t like dissatisfied customers. Why don’t you come back to my place and I can give you a refund. You paid Azazel five hundred dollars to take Sam, correct?”

Mary nodded and stood. She wasn’t sure what she going to do with the money but she would take it. Mary had trouble finding employment with her criminal record. Now she was thinking that maybe if she talked to Sam and Dean, she could stop this whole thing. All she had to do was convince one of them that Sam belonged in an institution or maybe letting them both die would be a better option. In Heaven they would just be two souls bound together for all eternity, not two brothers.

++

Sam had a good day in California. He toured the campus with his dad and Dean. Sam got signed up for classes in the fall. John inquired about the Americans with Disabilities Act to see how that might apply to him since he had trouble talking. His dad was concerned about his ability to give speeches. Sam knew he might have trouble giving a speech using his voice, but he knew he could do it using sign language. He had done that in high school. Castiel just had to tell the class what he was saying.

They spent the afternoon looking at apartments. Sam noticed that Dean and John both wanted something near campus but they wanted something quiet and in a decent neighborhood. It made him wonder if apartments were just naturally loud. Sam knew he didn’t like loud noises.

It was evening now and they were driving to the beach. Sam was excited because he was going to get to see the ocean for the first time. He listened to his dad and Dean banter in the front seat as he sat alone in the back.

Dean sounded tired, “Maybe we should just find a small house to buy. We can sell it or rent it out when Sam is done with school. It’s not like we can’t afford it.”

John shook his head no and said quietly, “I don’t want to start throwing around Sam’s money like that. It’s not right and there is nothing wrong with living in an apartment during college. Most young people live in a dorm with four roommates they don’t like.”

Dean snorted and said with amusement, “I am glad we get to skip the four roommate part.”

John shook his head and said to Dean, “They do have student housing for married couples. You guys would have your own small apartment on campus. I don’t know if Sam would want to be that involved in student live though. He is pretty quiet and I think Sam values his time alone.”

Sam wondered why they didn’t ask him his opinion, but they never did with stuff like this. He knew he could tell them what he thought and they wouldn’t beat him. He knew his opinion could sway them but in the end he knew it was their choice.

He still had things he wanted to do in life that he hadn’t worked up the courage to ask them about. Sam wanted to learn how to drive. He read that most young people learned how to drive when they were sixteen. No one mentioned to him anything about getting a driver’s license so Sam didn’t bring it up. He wondered when would be a right time to do that. He wonder if there ever was a right time.

Dean leaned his head back on the seat and said to their dad, “We’ll see, I guess. I have appointments at three daycares for Ben tomorrow and I need to look for places to work that can work around our schedules. It sucks that Sam can’t drive. It would take some of the pressure off.”

John sighed and said quietly. “Dean, we are supposed to encourage Sam to be independent but we are supposed to wait for him to come to us when he wants something was important as a driver’s license. That is what both Ash and Pam said. If we tell him he is getting that then he will just obey and it won’t be something he wants.” Sam knew he wasn’t supposed to hear that.

Dean shook his head and whispered back, “Yeah, but do you ever wonder if he doesn’t think it is okay to ask? I mean six years ago he didn’t know what a toaster was.”

Sam stared at the back of Dean’s head and wondered how he was supposed to get through life with no one telling him what to do. He didn’t really know how to go out and seek something out himself without some encouragement. He knew he was broken. He knew he wasn’t what Dean wanted but he was what Dean had to settle for. Sam didn’t know how many other things he was supposed to ask for that he didn’t know about.

It made Sam wish for a time when things were simpler. It made him miss the days when his expectations were clear. Pain was expected and the pain in some ways took away the pain he felt inside. It filled that emptiness and wiped away his wrong doings. Now he was just expected to fumble until he got it right or close enough to right. The only thing that eased the emptiness he felt inside now was the one thing he tried not to let himself experience.

Sam did let himself experience that sometimes, but he always felt bad afterwards. He felt like he was being a burden. Sam didn’t want to be a burden. He wished he just knew what was expected of him.

++

The ocean had a roar to it which was something Sam did not expect. It was just as vast as the pictures showed but he thought the pictures lacked the beauty of what actually was. They walked down on the beach after they took off their socks and shoes. Sam rolled up his pant legs slightly and he felt the salt water on his feet. It was an amazing feeling to feel the waves touch his legs and then move away. Sam had never felt anything like that before.

Eventually, they threw down a towel and sat down to watch the sunset over the ocean. The sky was a mixture of reds and oranges as the sun dipped into the horizon. It was peaceful and something Sam could have never imagined during his time with Azazel. Sam never knew things like this were possible. Sam placed his hand on top of Dean’s hand and he let himself feel complete.

Sam whispered to Dean, “This is pretty.”

Dean smiled and said quietly, “Yeah, it is. This is the first time I saw the ocean. We finally got to experience something new together.” Sam smiled because the thought Dean had done everything. It was nice that they got to do something new together.


	56. Chapter 56

Sam found California a lot different than Kansas. He wasn’t sure he liked it. It was new and different, but most things were new different to him. They spent the morning touring day cares and Sam had no idea what exactly John and Dean were looking for in a day care. Some of them smelled funny and were loud. Others looked clean and orderly.

They found out that they would get a discount on Ben’s daycare expenses at some daycares once he married Dean due to his status as a student at Stanford. Sam didn’t know if that was something they factored into their equation of which day care to pick. He knew that Dean was only concerned about day care until Ben started school. It turned out the school district had a before and after school program, which John seemed to favor.

Sam had no idea who was going to care for and watch Ben when he wasn’t in school in a couple years. His logical mind told him that responsibility would fall to him since Dean was taking a job. Sam wasn’t sure how he felt about that. He knew by the time he was five, he was alone. Sam didn’t really understand what would be expected or needed to nurture a five year old. He knew he had a couple years to figure it out so that set his mind at ease slightly.

Finding a place to live was much easier the second day, Sam thought. They found a house to rent about two miles from campus and a mile from the daycare Dean favored. It was small but nice. It only had two bedrooms so Sam knew he would be sharing a room with Dean and Ben would have the other room. He hoped Dean wouldn’t buy a bed to put in their bedroom.

Sam wasn’t sure what to make of the landlord for their house. She gave them a funny look when Dean said that they were getting married in a couple weeks after he introduced them as brothers. He was pretty sure she was one of the people that didn’t like that they were soulmates. That wasn’t anything new to Sam. He spend twelve years getting tortured because of Dean. The looks and comments people gave when they disagreed with their status together reminded him of that painful time. However, Sam knew these people couldn’t hurt him anymore and he knew they wouldn’t hurt Dean.

He was spending the afternoon with his dad while Dean job hunted. Sam knew Dean had to take a few classes to finish his degree and he knew Dean was going to take those online. He knew Dean was looking for an internship or something to get his feet wet in the business world and if that didn’t work Dean was going to look for a mechanic job.

Sam envied Dean sometimes for being able to handle all of this. Dean was going to have to handle college, child care, work, and of course Dean was going to have to care for him. It didn’t seem fair to Sam when he thought about it and he wished he could make Dean’s life easier. Sam knew the only way he could make Dean’s life easier was by taking his burdens off of him.

He was sitting at the table in their motel room reading a book. John had left him alone for a while and Sam was glad for that but this strange new place did make him uncomfortable. John sat down across from him with a coffee that smelled like vanilla. When he looked up Sam saw a second cup and he knew it was for him.

John sipped his coffee slowly and said conversationally, “There are a few coffee shops close to where you and Dean will be living. You should be able to find a place to go have coffee with Dean. I know you boys like doing that together.”

Sam nodded and sat down his book. He picked up his cup of coffee and took a sip. It was good. Dean would call it girly coffee but Sam liked the different flavored coffees. There weren’t many different flavors when he was with Azazel kind of like there wasn’t many different colors. He was pretty sure that most children did not drink coffee, so he didn’t think Azazel was doing anything wrong by depriving him of coffee. He wasn’t sure though, Sam thought he might ask Castiel later.

John frowned and sat down his coffee. He stated rather bluntly, “You’re overwhelmed. I can tell. I know all of this must be stressful for you. Is there something Dean or I can do to make it better? Do you want to talk about anything?”

Sam took another sip of his coffee and sat down the cup. He wasn’t really sure what to say to his dad. He was right. He was overwhelmed and some of the houses they looked at scared him. There was the house with tin foil covering all of the windows and the house with the basement. Both of those places made him feel trapped. He never vocalized that though. However, Sam knew Dean felt it and ended the touring of both of those houses.

He thought about his words for a few moments and what he wanted to say. Sam struggled out the words, “I am doing better now. It is just a lot of change.” Sam smiled and realized he was probably worse off than he originally thought. He wished he would have brought Dean’s old toy army man with him. Sam liked to tell the army man all of his secrets. There were somethings that Sam couldn’t even tell Ash.

John gave a smile that Sam knew was fake. He tried to sound reassuring. “Dean and I will try to make this move as easy as possible for you. Do you want your room setup like it is at home? So it will be familiar.”

Sam decided that he didn’t trust his voice so he signed, “I don’t want a bed in the room.”

John nodded and chuckled. Sam didn’t understand what was funny. Beds were horrifying. John said calmly, “I think we can work that out. What do you need from me right now so you can relax?”

Sam didn’t really know what he needed. He knew what he wanted though, he didn’t want to be alone right now. Sam signed, “I just don’t want to be alone right now.”

++

Mary was surprised with how large Lilith’s house was. It was pretty clear that Lilith was quite wealthy from her child trafficking business. She knew it was luck that Lilith didn’t get involved in the legal fallout once Sam was recovered. She also knew that Lilith kept herself far enough removed from the day to day interactions that she was pretty much off the radar.

She stepped into Lilith’s living room and she was surprised with how girly the room was. It was colored in pinks and it looked like a little girl’s princess room. It was a sharp contrast from the way Lilith presented herself at the restaurant. Lilith sat down on the sofa and stretched her arm across the back.

Mary sat down in a chair across the room. She was feeling nervous and a little awkward. A few minutes later a young girl walked in. She wore a simple tan dress that looked a little dirty and tattered.  The girl’s hair was unclean. Mary could see bruises and sores on the girl’s exposed skin. She looked to be about eight and she had a collar around her neck. The girl handed Lilith a small box.

Lilith took the box and then she backhanded the child. Mary nearly jumped out of her seat when the child was hit because that wasn’t right. Lilith sneered at the girl, “You are nothing. Go to your cage. I have something special planned for you for later.” The girl retreated out of the room without lifting her head. Mary wasn’t sure the girl realized there was another person in the room.

Lilith opened up the box and handed Mary a picture. Mary looked at and she saw it was a picture of Sam. She was certain that it was her son. Sam was older than when she handed him over to Azazel but he still looked to be less than a year old. He was being held by an older boy. The older boy was covered in bruises and cuts. Sam’s skin looked mostly unmarred except for some bruising on his arms.

Mary sat the picture down and asked, “Who was that boy with Sam?”

Lilith shrugged and said bluntly, “Azazel’s product sample before Sam. Many of my clients like a boy or girl they can be rough with. They like to see what the samples can handle. The actual products have fewer scars. We try to get them through training without scars, but if their purchaser likes knives then there will be some scars. Alistair handed the training for our most sadistic clients. He was very talented with his razor.”

Mary sat the picture down and asked, “So there are other trainers and places where the children are kept?”

Lilith nodded as she pulled another photo out of the box. She handed it to Mary and said, “Yes, never put all your eggs in one basket.”

Mary looked down at the picture in her hands. There was a boy with chocolate brown hair and hazel eyes on his hands and knees with a man behind him. Mary could see his ribs and spine because he was so thin. There were tears on the boy’s face. Burns and lash marks covered the boy’s body. Mary was certain that there was bruising on that skin, it was just hard to see with the other injuries.

Mary looked up from the picture and asked, “What is going on in this photo? Who is this boy?”

Lilith leaned over to look at it. She chuckled and said, “That your son, Sam. Azazel was taking his virginity while telling him how he was going to go Hell. He talked about how useless he would be to his soulmate now. Azazel said the boy didn’t scream and I was impressed.”

Mary stared at the photo and she started to feel sick. Sam did not deserve that. She stared at the boy’s eyes and face. She could see pain and fear. She could see hopelessness and defeat in his features. Mary wondered how long it had been since Sam had a good meal when this photo was taken.

She had never been able to get close to Sam since he was recovered. She saw him once from a distance with Dean. So she wasn’t sure of Sam’s age in the photo. Mary asked, “How old was he?”

Lilith remained silent for a moment and stated, “Nine, I believe. He was doing other sex acts before that. Azazel wanted to make sure he took everything from the boy and he did.”

Mary shook her head no and sat the photo down. She didn’t want to see anymore. “No, he didn’t. Sam never lost Dean or John.”

Lilith smirked and said coldly, “Dean fathered a child with another woman. He’s not exactly winning soulmate of the year.” Lilith went through the box and handed Mary another photo.

This photo was more recent. Both Sam and Dean were in this picture. There were pillows and blankets on the floor surrounding them. Mary guessed that it was probably John’s living room. Sam didn’t have his shirt or pants on and Mary could see the scars left behind from his time with Azazel.

Sam was on his knees in front of Dean. His eyes were bright with unshed tears and he was giving Dean a blow job. This nauseated Mary even more. Dean’s eyes were closed and he had one hand in Sam’s hair. Dean was enjoying himself. Sam did not look like he was enjoying himself. Mary studied the picture of a moment and knew she was being a little impersonal when she noticed that Sam did not appear to be aroused.

Lilith supplied a time stamp for Mary, “That was a few months ago. We were able to plant a camera in their room to take still photos every thirty minutes. I wanted to see what they were up to. The camera got covered after two weeks though but it has not been found.”

Mary sat down the photo of her sons with shaky hands. That photo represented one of the things she never wanted Dean to do with Sam. In her mind she pictured their sexual relationship together to be more passionate and loving. There wasn’t love in that photo. Mary sat down the picture and asked, “Why are you telling me this and sharing these photos with me?”

Lilith sat the photo back in the box. He voice was as slick as honey. “My business has been suffering since Azazel and Alistair went to prison. I need help getting it back up and running. I thought to myself, who better to take Azazel’s place than a woman that hated her infant son so much she allowed him to grow up like this?” Lilith motioned toward the other photos in the box.  “Meg has taken over much of Alistair’s training of new products. We need someone to speak to their qualities and advise how they will be forever broken even if they are found. Sam is a testament to that.”

Mary nodded and asked, “And if I refuse?”

Lilith smiled and said, “I usually like to butcher virgins for dinner, but I can make due with you.”

Mary felt like she didn’t have much of choice. It was either do this or die. Still she didn’t know if she could hurt a child as Azazel did. She didn’t think she could even do those things to Sam. She wanted Sam dead, but she didn’t want him to suffer and she didn’t want Dean to die in the process. Mary swallowed hard and her voice cracked when she spoke, “I guess, I choose death.”

Lilith smiled and it was predatory. “I was hoping you would say that. I want you to know something before you die and join your soulmate in Hell. I want you to know everything you put your son through. I want you to know how it felt. I want you to know his fear. I want you to know everything.”

Mary managed a nervous, “Why?” She really didn’t want to draw this out.

Lilith chuckled darkly, “You wanted Dean to hate Sam. I figured it is only fair to return the favor.” 


	57. Chapter 57

John was fairly certain that the only thing more terrifying than teaching Dean how to drive was teaching Sam how to drive. Sam had asked when they got back from California if he could learn how to drive. The written part was easy for Sam, not that John expected anything less from his son. If nothing else, Sam was book smart. John understood that books were Sam’s escape from a world that he didn’t understand. He knew Sam didn’t feel like he was part of society and it was difficult to make Sam feel accepted when he shied away from groups of people.

The boys’ wedding was in two days. John was nervous about it. They were having a small ceremony at Bobby’s house. Pastor Jim was going to baptize Sam later on that day. John was ashamed to admit that baptizing Sam had completely slipped his mind. Dean was baptized when he as ten after he became old enough to understand what that meant and asked to be baptized.

It never crossed his mind that maybe Sam wouldn’t think he was going to Hell if they baptized him. John was concerned about religious nut jobs blaming Sam for what happened so he stayed away from church. It was a mistake. John knew Pastor Jim would never have judged Sam like that. He knew Pastor Jim might have some choice things to say about Dean’s behavior but he wouldn’t blame Sam.

John was in his office doing paperwork when he heard a knock on his office door. One of his newer employees that Dean insisted on giving a chance to was there. He was running away from an abusive soulmate. It was a story John had heard a million times before and it was never any less heartbreaking. John hoped that Dean never did anything to hurt Sam like that but he knew when brothers fight and when brothers fight it tends to become physical.

The employee said nervously, “John, there is a guy here to see you. He said his name is Samuel Campbell.”

John nodded and got up. He walked out to the lobby and saw Mary’s father. He loathed Samuel Campbell. Samuel had defended Mary when Sam first disappeared. John never let Samuel around Dean after Sam was taken. He knew that choice upset Samuel’s wife, Deana, but John didn’t care about their feelings. He only cared about protecting his sons.

There were customers around and John did not want to make a scene so he said calmly to Samuel, “Please, we can talk in my office.”

Samuel nodded and he had that same condescending look he always had.  Samuel stated, “Of course, John.” John was surprised to hear pain in Samuel’s voice. He never thought the man was capable of such a thing.

He led Samuel back to his office and closed the door. John knew he didn’t have a lot of time. Sam was out practicing his driving with Dean. He was fairly certain Dean was a nervous wreck but it was important that Dean take some responsibility toward helping Sam be independent. John didn’t want Sam to think Dean didn’t like the idea.

John watched Samuel pick up a photo of the boys, Ben, and himself. It was taken around Christmas time. They had taken Sam to the city to go on a tour of Christmas lights. Sam enjoyed himself and he was fairly certain Dean enjoyed himself. Even if Dean’s enjoyment came from the look of delight on Sam’s face. Ben slept through most of it. Sometimes, it was hard to get Sam to a point where he was happy and excited.

Samuel held up the picture and asked tentatively, “Which one is Sam and which one is Dean?”

John sat down in his chair and decided it wouldn’t hurt anything to tell Samuel. There really wasn’t anything Samuel could do and he had never threatened the boys. Carefully John said, “Dean is the one with the lighter short hair. Sam is the one with shaggy brown hair. The little boy in the picture is Dean’s son, Ben.”

Samuel sat down the picture and took a seat on the other side of John’s desk. He stared at his hands for a moment and then he started speaking. John could hear the strain in Samuel’s voice. “I never apologized to you or my grandsons for the pain my daughter caused them. I am sorry. I read some of the news stories and I don’t know how much of it was Sam or other children but what Sam lived through was horrific.”

John tapped his fingers on his desk and decided that he was going to try to avoid Samuel and the boys crossing paths. He bluntly asked, “Why are you here, Samuel? You never even sent them birthday cards. You never attended the vigils for Sam when he was missing. I don’t doubt that you’re sorry, but it is a little late for that.” He knew he was being a dick but he had never gotten along with his ex-father-in-law.

Samuel took a deep breath and said sadly, “Mary disappeared about two weeks ago. I thought she was just off finding herself or whatever it is that she does… But she wasn’t, she was murdered. They found her body off a riverbank in Maine. It was… It was bad. They think it might be some sort of revenge killing for what happened to Sam. Some vigilante took matters into his own hands.”

John sighed and said coldly, “Okay well, we had nothing to do with it. I haven’t seen or spoken to Mary in years. She isn’t even listed on my sons’ birth certificates anymore. She is nothing to me. I am sorry for your loss. I hope that she can find peace and forgiveness in her afterlife.”

Samuel nodded and said painfully, “I know you and your family had nothing to do with it. I saw her body, John. She was emaciated and tortured so badly. She barely looked like herself. I just.. I just thought you would like to know. I though the boys would want to know their mother.. their birth mother is dead.”

John sighed and thought about what Samuel had to say. He knew Sam had never gotten to speak to Mary. Now his son would never get closure from Mary. He could never ask Mary why or even forgive her. John didn’t know if Sam would have wanted to do that, but now Sam would never have that choice.

John relented and said calmly, “I will let my sons know. Please accept my condolences.”

Samuel stood up and started to walk toward the door. He turned back and said, “And John, if it isn’t too much trouble, I would really like to meet my grandsons.”

John shook his head no and said, “They are both adults. It is up to them but I will let them both know.”

++

Sam wasn’t sure that he had been inside a church before. He didn’t think he had. He had read about churches before but he never thought he was good enough to actually set foot in a church. The fact that he was allowed in such a place was pretty neat to Sam. It made him smile.

John, Dean, Ben, and Bobby were with him. Sam knew this was supposed to be an important day for him. John had talked to him about baptism before the wedding. It was a detail that was almost overlooked until they were filling out the paperwork. Dean was baptized and he wasn’t. John asked if he wanted to be baptized too.

They ended up having a long discussion about what that would mean. Sam was interested in how it worked. He was told it would be pledging himself to God and purifying him. Sam doubted that pouring some water over him would really make up for everything he had done or as everyone else put it what he had been forced to do. However, Sam knew that this might start him down the path of forgiveness in God’s eyes. Maybe if he was a good enough person he could make up for his wrong doings and raise their place in Heaven.

Sam smiled at the pastor. He looked nice and Sam hoped that he was nice. The pastor smiled at them and said, “Hey guys, it has been a while. Dean, you have gotten tall.” The pastor turned his attention to Sam and said, “You must be Sam. I haven’t seen you since you were a tiny baby. It looks like you’ve grown up to be a fine young man. I understand that you and Dean are tying the knot in a couple days. How do you feel about that?”

Sam thought he could see concern in the man’s eyes. He smiled again and lowered his head. Sam knew he towered over most people because of his height so sometimes, he would duck his head to appear smaller. Dean would always tell him to hold his head up. Sam said a careful, “Good.” He knew the pastor didn’t know sign language so he was trying to use his voice.

The pastor smiled and said happily, “That is great, Sam. How about you and I have a chat in private? I want to talk you about everything. Does that sound okay?”

Sam glanced over at his dad because he suddenly felt afraid. He didn’t really know this man and being alone with strangers had never ended well for Sam. John gave him a reassuring nod and said softly, “It’s okay, Sammy. He’s not going to hurt you and we’ll be right out here.”

Sam nodded and said a shaky, “Okay.”

Sam followed the pastor back to what looked like a meeting room. It had a couple chairs and books lined the shelves. The pastor sat down on one of the chairs and Sam nervously sat down on the other. He knew rationally Dean was right outside the door and could feel if he was in danger so he really had nothing be concerned about. Still he was worried.

The pastor took a deep breath and said calmly, “My name is Jim and you can call me that. I admit, I don’t a lot of the details about what happened to you. I just couldn’t stomach reading about it. I want you to understand that whatever happened to you wasn’t your fault and God forgives you for anything you think you may have done wrong during that time.”

Sam wished he could believe that. He really did. The idea of being forgiven was something he longed for. He didn’t want to go to Hell. He didn’t want to suffer anymore. He asked because he had to know, “How do you know what God forgives?”

Pastor Jim smiled and said bluntly, “I am a pastor, Sam. I speak for God. I spread his word. I am not arrogant enough to presume everything God wills, but I do know beyond any doubt that God forgives you.”

Sam was confused. He honestly didn’t understand. He asked, “How?”

Pastor Jim threaded his fingers together on his lap and said, “Sam, we have a duty to protect our children. All children. We failed at that duty. The child is not blame when society fails. There are people to blame for what happened to you. You, however, are not on that list. Neither is your brother, your father, or your uncle.”

Sam thought he understood. He had heard numerous times that he was a child so it wasn’t his fault. He knew he was an adult now and he honestly didn’t feel that different. Of course, he knew he wasn’t really an adult. His dad still had control over his life, but he didn’t mind that. Sam knew he could still explore and say no to things. It was more than he had with Azazel.

Sam hoped that the pastor was right, but he had one more question. “I know that some people do not like Dean being my soulmate. Why did God make my soulmate my brother?”

Pastor Jim leaned forward and said gently, “Some people are very blessed. It is a blessing to meet your soulmate in this life. God gives us a soulmate that completes us. When you touch Dean, it probably makes you feel complete. If the two of you work together, there is nothing you cannot do. God made your soulmate your brother because God knew you would face challenges in your life. An older brother will protect his younger siblings with his life. Dean will always be there for you, if you let him.”

Sam nodded because that made sense. Michael turned his back on his father to protect Gabriel and Castiel. Gabriel in turn defended Castiel against bullies growing up. Sam wasn’t really sure how Dean protected him. Dean did stand up for him sometimes, but more often it was John. Sam wondered if he should let Dean in a little more.

Sam asked weakly, “Okay, thank you. Can we get this started?”

Pastor Jim nodded and stood up. He walked around his desk and handed Sam a set of white clothes. He said calmly, “Change into these and Dean will lead you to the pool.”

Sam nodded and took the clothes. He changed in the bathroom and held Dean’s hand as they walked toward where the pool was. He was distracted by the stained glass on the walk. The way the light shined in on the windows wasn’t like anything Sam had seen before. Somehow, pictures of stained glass did not do justice to the real thing.

Dean led him up to the pool which was surrounded by pews. Sam felt a little nervous and Dean whispered into his ear. “It’ll be okay, Sammy.”

Sam nodded and let go of Dean’s hand. He looked at Pastor Jim who was already in the pool wearing a cream colored robe. Sam stepped into the pool and the water was cool on his bare feet. He slowly made his way over to Pastor Jim and he let Pastor Jim position him how he wanted.

He heard the pastor speak with authority, “This is Samuel Winchester and he comes here today to be baptized into the Kingdom of God.” Sam felt the pastor place a hand on his lower back and he said in a gentle voice, “Cross your arms across your chest and you can use your hand to hold your nose closed.”

Sam did as he was told and he felt the pastor’s other hand go on top of his arms. Then he felt himself being lowered into the water. Sam felt a moment of fear as his head was dunked completely, but just as fast as it started, it was over. He felt something inside of himself that he really couldn’t explain. It was a sense of acceptance and forgiveness. It was like something he had been searching for had finally been found. 


	58. Chapter 58

Sam was upstairs at Bobby’s house getting ready for his wedding. He was nervous. His palms were sweaty and he thought he might throw up. Sam wasn’t really sure why he was so nervous. All he knew was he wanted Dean to want him and love him. He hoped they could have that. They opted to wear white tuxes today. Sam was okay with that. He wore a tux to Dean’s prom. He didn’t go to his own proms. Sam just didn’t have a desire.

He was straightening his tie when Castiel walked in with a grin on his face. Sam smiled at Castiel. Castiel paused and looked at Sam in the mirror. He stated, “Dean is a lucky man to get you.”

Sam blushed and ducked his head. He said a weak, “I doubt that.”

Castiel chuckled, “I don’t. You’re the strongest person I know. You’re even stronger than Gabriel which is saying something.”

Sam nodded and decided he need a distraction. He asked, “Where are you going to college?”

Castiel frowned and stated, “The city. It isn’t ideal, but the city has a few different universities. I think I know which one I am going to attend. Gabriel got offered a job for some posh restaurant doing their desserts. It is a great opportunity for him. We are looking at apartments next week. Gabriel doesn’t want me to get a job while I am going to school, but I want to contribute. I think I can transfer stores with Gas-N-Sip to one in the city. He’ll get over it.”

Sam sat down on the chair in the room he was in. He was being careful to avoid the bed. He looked up at Castiel and asked nervously, “What will Dean expect of me tonight? I am scared.”

Castiel sat down on the bed across from Sam and asked, “Why?”

Sam picked at the edges of his tux. Then he signed, “I know Dean and I have done some things together. He feels better afterward and I don’t feel him lusting after other people. But we haven’t gone all the way and I am not sure I want to do that.”

Castiel felt his mouth go dry. He had a lot of questions. The primary being if Sam was sleeping with Dean because he actually wanted sex. Castiel was pretty sure the answer to that question was no and he would much rather let Gabriel talk to Sam about this. Gabriel could make light of this situation and not upset Sam.

Castiel opted to choose his words carefully, “Sam, are you doing things with Dean because you want to? I mean do you enjoy it? Because you’re supposed to enjoy it.”

Sam shrugged and signed because he really didn’t feel like using his voice. “I like making Dean happy. If Dean is happy. I am okay.”

This was way outside of Castiel’s skillset. He remembered how awkward it was the first time he had sex with Gabriel. They had a thirty minute argument over who was going to top and who was going to bottom. Gabriel bottomed and cussed a lot when Castiel stretched him. It was not sexy and Castiel felt like he was hurting Gabriel. Eventually though, they got to a point where it was actually good for everyone involved. They even switched positions on the second round.

Carefully Castiel said, “You shouldn’t do anything you’re not comfortable with and it doesn’t matter if that makes Dean unhappy. Manipulating you into doing those things is not okay.”

Sam shook his head and signed, “You’re misunderstanding me. I’ve lost some of the training I had early on. I am afraid I won’t make it good for Dean.”

Castiel frowned. He thought he understood. Maybe, he wasn’t really sure. He really wished Gabriel would walk through the door to take over this conversation but he doubted that was going to happen. He knew Gabriel was busy fretting over Sam and Dean’s wedding pies. It was a surprise to them. Neither Sam nor Dean had an interest in a wedding cake. Castiel was certain that was for different reasons. They did know Dean had a love of pie so Gabriel made pies.

Castiel sighed and said simply, “Then you can learn together. Even if you could do everything you did then, it wouldn’t be the same. Just try to relax and enjoy yourself. It doesn’t have to be perfect. We are all imperfect beings.”

++

Dean thought the wedding was simple enough. It was set near the wooded area on Bobby’s property near sunset. Sam liked to watch the sunset so it only seemed fitting. There weren’t many people there. Bobby, John, Ben, Michael, Joseph, Gabriel, Castiel, and Garth. Sam only wanted to invite their closest friends. Dean was fine with respecting that.

Pastor Jim was performing the ceremony. Dean waited by Pastor Jim for Sam. He watched Sam walk through the yard to where they were. Dean realized his little brother was perfect, even though Dean knew Sam didn’t feel that way about himself. Sam joined him and Dean took Sam’s hand. He felt complete with his hand in Sam’s. It made him never want to let go, but he knew he had to.

Dean half listened to what Pastor Jim said. His eyes were focused on Sam. He could feel a lot of things from Sam including fear and uncertainty. He also felt hope and love from Sam. Dean hoped that Sam wanted to get married. They could always wait. They had time before it was legally mandated that they wed. Dean reminded himself in his moments of doubt that Sam asked for this. Sam learned how to use his voice to ask for this.

He was lost in his own thoughts by the time they get their vows. Sam spoke first. His voice was a little shaky but Dean can tell Sam practiced his vows. He guessed Sam practiced in front of a mirror to get the pronunciation right on each word. It was cute to watch Sam learn how to talk, but Dean knew he would never tell Sam that. “I promise to love you, cherish you, and honor you forever.” It short and sweet but Dean knew Sam wanted it that way. He didn’t want to try to give a speech.

Dean smiled and stated his vows, “Sammy, I promise to love you, be faithful to you, respect you in all things, and protect you forever.” He knew he said a little more than Sam, but he was the one that screwed up in the past. He was the one that caused Sam to doubt them and Dean knew it was on him to fix that. He doubted a couple words during his vows would fix the damage he had done. However, he had to do everything he could to let Sam know that it wouldn’t happen again.

Pastor Jim said a few more words and Dean listened this time. “These two souls are bound together for eternity. Let their sands mix together.” Dean knew they weren’t doing a unity candle. Instead they were doing sand. He knew the fire from the candles would have set Sam off whereas Sam liked colors so mixing colored sand together seemed fitting.

Dean picked green sand and Sam picked a sky blue. It made sense with as much as Sam loved the sky. Sam made the decision that Ben should take part in this too. Ben picked out red sand because he was on a kick of playing with red firetrucks right now. Dean, Sam, and Ben poured their sand into a vase that was simple and round with an eternity symbol on the front. The different colors of the sand layered together and it made Dean think about everything.

Each wave of sand in Sam’s color represented how Sam’s life was different from his, how Sam’s path to finding him was different, and how Sam despite everything loved him. Dean didn’t know how it was possible for Sam not to hate him. He lived through hell because of him. Sam had every right to hate him but he never did.

Instead, it was him who turned his back on Sam. Dean stared at the green waves of his own sand and he knew he could never make up for those first couple years after Sam came home. Dean didn’t know what happened, but at some point in his life instead of wanting to protect his soulmate. He wanted to forget about the pain he felt from Sam, never realizing it was so much worse for Sam. He remembered some nights waking up as a young boy screaming and crying because of how much Sam hurt. He couldn’t see or touch Sam, but he knew Sam was in pain. Sometimes now, he wondered how badly Sam was hurt on those nights. He knew Sam’s pain went much deeper than what he felt and he knew that Sam will carry scars from that time for the rest of his life.

Dean stared at Ben’s red sand. It was the color of blood, Dean idly thought. Ben was his son but he was also related to Sam and not just through marriage. Ben was Sam’s nephew. Ben was a physical representation of a time when Dean turned his back on Sam in the worst possible way. Dean expected Sam to hate Ben and hate him, but Sam didn’t. Sam blamed himself for Ben which Dean could never understand. While Sam wasn’t exactly welcoming to Ben at first, Dean knew Sam didn’t hate the child. It was Sam that pushed him to be a better father. It was Sam that insisted that he see Ben and do everything he could to care for his son.

Dean realized as Pastor Jim sealed their sands together with a lid that it was Sam who held this family together. It wasn’t him or John or even Uncle Bobby. It was Sam. Sam was the cement that held everything together. It was Sam that made them a family.

++

The reception was supposed to be sandwiches and vegetables Sam grew in his garden. Sam had a thing for vegetables and Dean wasn’t sure if it was the colors or if he really liked eating that crap. Dean would much rather have a burger than a salad any day. Sam was the opposite.

The first thing Dean noticed was what could best be described as a pie creation. There was three regular size pies. One pie had a ‘D’ baked into the crust. One had an ‘and’ sign and the last one had an ‘S’. There was also a smaller pie sitting off on top of the pies. Dean knew this was Gabriel’s doing. No one else would go through the trouble of making homemade pies.

Gabriel piped up happily as he held Castiel’s hand, “We figured that since you didn’t want cake, we could give you pie. The little one is supposed to be the top of what would have been the cake, so you guys will have to freeze that and eat it in a year.” Dean frowned at that because that sounded nasty. He wondered who thought up these wedding traditions.

Their dad handed them a pie server to cut the pie and Dean couldn’t help but smile. It wasn’t a new pie server. It was the one Aunt Karen used when she made pie before she died. Dean knew it sounded cheesy but in a way he thought they were honoring her.

Dean turned to Sam and said, “We are supposed to cut the first piece together and share it.” Sam looked at him curiously and Dean could feel his curiosity. Sam lightly put his hand over Dean’s hand. Dean knew Sam’s hand was just kind of there and he was doing the work but that was okay.

He cut out a piece of pie and they managed to get it on a plate. He heard Michael state, “Now, don’t spread it all over your faces. That is bad luck.” Dean smiled at that. He wasn’t going to do that to Sam anyways because Sam might react poorly and it was a little rude.

The pie was apple, Dean’s favorite. He wasn’t sure if Sam had a favorite pie or not. Dean took a fork and broke off a piece as Sam tentatively did the same. They carefully fed each other the pie and it was a perfect moment. Dean pulled Sam in for a kiss after he finished chewing and sat down the plate. He could feel that Sam was surprised but not afraid. He whispered to his soulmate, “I love you so much.”

Sam whispered back, “I love you too.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And you'll get wedding night smut in the next chapter.


	59. Chapter 59

Dean was nervous about their wedding night. He knew Sam read about what they were supposed to do on their wedding night and Dean didn’t really care about that. It didn’t take a genius to figure out Sam wasn’t ready for that. Dean had his doubts that Sam would ever be okay with that. He knew Azazel screwed up Sam’s thoughts on sex.

Sam never told Dean much about what he was thinking during sex. Dean had go off of what he felt from Sam which honestly wasn’t much. It was like Sam just wasn’t there, at least not emotionally for sex. Half the time Sam didn’t get aroused unless Dean touched him. It was after whatever sex act Dean felt emotions from Sam. Dean knew Sam was hopeful, content, and a little scared. It was a weird combination that Dean couldn’t figure out and he didn’t feel comfortable talking to his dad about it.

Sam was, for the record, amazing in bed. His little brother gave the best blow jobs on the planet, but his eyes watered. Sam assured him it was just his eyes watering and he wasn’t upset. Dean knew Sam didn’t feel upset or any other messed up thing he could think of but that didn’t set his mind at ease. Sam could hide his feelings.

Dean knew that most of the time when they did things together it was focused on getting him off. Sam could careless about it. Dean did feel like an asshole when he told Sam that if he didn’t at least jack off he would get blue balls. Sam politely informed him that he doesn’t have balls and Dean got banished to the sofa for the night.

After that screw up and subsequent apology and turning bright red when his dad asked what they were fighting about, Dean went to the library to find out about Sam’s sex drive. It was actually difficult to find information on the subject and when he asked the librarian she looked at him like he might be a creep. Dean didn’t want to tell her it applied to his soulmate, so he told her it was for a paper he had to write in college. It was a complete lie but she did manage to point him in the direction of a couple books on the subject.

What Dean found was actually kind of sad. There weren’t many recent cases of male castration in western society. It was done in the past to young boys so they could sing at a higher octave as they went into adulthood. These boys were thin but could still grow to be tall. They also had no sex drive because it was done before puberty.   

Sam was a little lanky because of height but he wasn’t thin like Garth. Dean learned that this was because of the hormone therapy Sam was on. The hormones were what gave Sam a sex drive. Everything Sam felt sexually was induced by a drug that got injected into his body once a month. If Sam went off of it his sex drive would taper off.

It did explain why Sam never had the urge to screw like rabbits. He got a controlled dose every single month. There weren’t spikes in hormones like what Dean had. Dean did know that the only spike Sam would have was when he first got the shot but Sam never let him touch him then. Dean didn’t think Sam liked feeling that way and he could understand why Sam would feel that way.

He didn’t like to think about those men who touched his soulmate. If Dean thought about it too much it made him see red and want to murder all of them.  Dean knew he couldn’t kill them and the ones who were prosecuted had a far worse fate than death. Still it felt to Dean like they stole away Sam’s life not just his childhood. They took every piece of Sam that could ever be happy and broke it down until it was nothing.

Dean knew there were things that made Sam happy. It was simple things that made Sam happy. His soulmate was happy when he could draw or paint, see the blue sky or the stars in the sky at night, when he could tend to his garden and watch life grow, and sometimes in what Dean would consider the best times was when they were together in Sam’s room locked away from the rest of the world. In the bedroom and behind a locked door was where Sam felt the safest and the most at ease.

Dean hoped tonight would be one of those best times. He arranged for Ben to spend the night with Bobby. Ben was actually excited about that because he liked spending time with Uncle Bobby. Dean was pretty sure it was because Bobby would buy Ben root beer in glass bottles so they could drink together and watch reruns of old cartoons. They were children’s cartoons Ben couldn’t watch around Sam because of the violence.  His dad was spending the night at Bobby’s house as well so he would have to whole house to himself with Sam.

He led Sam into the house and didn’t mention how one them was supposed to carry the other over the threshold. Dean knew Sam knew about that tradition from Gabriel and Castiel. Gabriel had to chase Castiel and throw him over his shoulder to carry him across the threshold. Dean’s understanding was Castiel was annoyed with that but he was laughing so it couldn’t have been that bad.

Dean took Sam back to their bedroom and he could tell Sam was nervous. He closed and locked the door for Sam’s sense of security. Then he went over to Sam. He gently kissed the side of Sam’s face and down his neck. Sam just stood there stiffly. Dean desperately wanted Sam to want this. He pulled off his suit jacket and he lost his shirt. Then Dean pulled off Sam’s jacket gently. He kissed on Sam when he did it. He wanted Sam to feel special but he could tell that wasn’t the emotion Sam was feeling.

Dean pulled back from Sam and kicked off his shoes. He pulled off his socks and pants so he was left only wearing his boxers. Dean knew he was much more comfortable in his skin than Sam. He knew his little brother liked to wear a lot of clothes to cover up the damage done to him. Dean knelt down and started to untie Sam’s shoes. He could feel Sam’s eyes on him when he slipped his shoes off one by one followed by his socks. Not even Sam’s feet were spared from scars. He ran his fingers gently over the old scars.

Dean stood up and kissed Sam on the lips. Sam returned the kiss but Dean could feel Sam’s uncertainty and his underlying fear. Dean once hoped he could kiss or hold Sam until he no longer felt fear, but now Dean knew that just wasn’t possible. Not with the way Sam viewed the world. He slowly guided Sam to the floor and Dean had his palm pressed against Sam’s chest. He could feel his brother’s heartrate increase.

He leaned forward and whispered in Sam’s ear. “I’m not going to hurt you, baby brother. Just tell me what you want.”

Sam shuddered and Dean could tell it wasn’t from arousal. He felt no arousal from Sam at the moment. Dean pulled away from Sam a little so Sam could sign. Sam didn’t use his voice much and he did favor signing over speaking. Dean was a little shocked when Sam spoke. His voice was soft, “I want to please you.”

If a girl had said that to him back in high school before Sam, Dean knew he would have been all over it. Now it caused Dean to pause, this wasn’t some random girl. This was Sam, his soulmate and his little brother. Sam wasn’t trying to pull some kinky stuff. Sam was submitting because even after years away that was what Sam thought he was supposed to do.

Dean knew he could probably do just about anything to Sam and he wouldn’t say no or tell him to stop. So Dean knew he had to be careful. He had to be very careful as not to hurt Sam. Dean slowly started undoing the buttons on Sam’s shirt. He could feel Sam’s emotions become muted as he gently pulled the shirt off of Sam’s shoulders and put it aside.

Gently Dean said, “Lay down on your tummy for me.” Sam did as he was told. Dean could tell Sam was tense and there was a reason why Dean was keeping Sam’s pants on. He knew if he took Sam’s pants off Sam would think he was going to do that.

Dean reached under the bed and pulled out a bottle of massage oil. It smelled like lavender and he may or may not have smelled all the different scents at the store before picking this one out. Dean squeezed some of the oil on his hand and sat the bottle down. He hoped he didn’t suck at this. Carefully, Dean put his oiled hands on Sam’s back. He felt Sam tense a little more before he steadied his breathing.

Dean ran his hands up and down Sam’s back a couple times. He tried not to focus on the scars. He started rubbing gently on the base of Sam’s neck. He whispered to Sam, “Let me know if I need to be a little gentler or stop.” Sam nodded but didn’t comment.

Dean slowly worked down from Sam’s neck to his shoulders. Dean could feel knots of muscle under his fingertips. He took his time and added more massage oil. Slowly but surely Dean worked out the knots on Sam’s shoulders. Dean felt Sam start to relax which rarely happened when Dean touched Sam like this.

He slowly worked his way down Sam’s back. When he started massaging Sam’s lower back, Dean felt something unexpected from Sam. Sam felt aroused. This was turning Sam on. Dean coiled his excitement. Getting Sam aroused was not the goal. It was to get Sam relaxed and hopefully show Sam that he was wanted and loved.

Dean focused on finishing the massage. When he was done rubbing Sam’s back be gently started rubbing Sam’s arms. He kissed Sam on the side of the face and saw Sam smile at him. He really hadn’t planned anything beyond this. Dean knew Sam might be open to more but he never really knew how much Sam really wanted.

Sam answered that question for him though. He shifted to his side and leaned up to give Dean a kiss. Sam actively engaged himself in the kiss which was a rare occurrence.  Dean made his hand down to Sam’s pants. He gave Sam one more kiss before he started to unbuckle them. Sam didn’t tense or feel like he was blanking out on him so Dean continued. He unzipped Sam’s pants and he put his hand inside Sam’s boxers.

He felt Sam’s cock and he started to stroke it gently. Sam moved so he was laying on his back and surprisingly Sam kept his eyes on him. After a few strokes, Sam put his hand over Dean’s. Dean stilled his hand and then Sam signed, “We need to have sex to make everything official.”

Dean frowned and started to move his hand on Sam’s cock again. He kept his voice soft, “Sammy, I want you inside of me. I’ve never done that before. I want you to be my first.”

Sam scrambled away from him so fast Sam’s back hit the wall with a loud thud. His eyes were wide when he signed, “No, I can’t do that to you. It’s not allowed and.. And it is painful. You can do that to me though. I can make it good for you.”

Dean sat back on his heels and gathered his thoughts. He tried not to sound defensive but he knew his voice had an edge to it. Even if Sam couldn’t hear it, Dean knew Sam could feel it from him. “Who said it isn’t allowed? Do you think that because you’re younger than me or something? Also, it is not painful if you do the right prep. Trust me, I’ve put fingers up there before and it didn’t hurt.”

Sam nodded and signed, “Sorry.” It was clear to Dean that Sam was not going to disclose where he got that idea from. He watched Sam pick up the bottle of lubricant and moved back over toward him.

Dean pulled off his boxers and took the lube from Sam as he laid down on his back. He decided to make a show of opening himself up for Sam. It would also take the pressure off Sam. This way Sam wasn’t actually doing anything. He was just watching. He slowly worked one finger in and he made sure to moan like a porn star.

Dean kept his eyes on Sam who was watching him carefully. Sam was still aroused from earlier but right now he felt more confusion from Sam than anything. He used way to much lube when he added a second finger and he could tell Sam was looking his ass. Dean made sure to keep making noises. His dick was leaking preseminal fluid on his belly. This fluid was something Sam didn’t have and even when Sam did orgasm his body didn’t produce much. It was also lighter in color than Dean’s.

Dean kept working the fingers inside of him when he got to four he was a little surprised when Sam actually made a move. No one told him to and no one asked him to, this was Sam doing what he wanted. Sam moved his fingertips around his rim while Dean’s fingers were still inside. He could see the look on concentration on Sam’s face and he knew Sam was having an internal battle with himself on what to do. Dean thought Sam wanted to. It was just Sam didn’t know if he should or at least Dean hoped he that was the case. He wasn’t perfect with reading Sam’s emotions.

Sam pulled back his hand and signed, “Are you sure?” He could feel that Sam was aroused. Dean hoped that was a good thing.

Dean moaned loudly just to make sure Sam was on board a little more. He breathlessly said, “God yes, Sam but I can get off just like this too.”

Sam shook his head no and pushed his pants down but not all the way off. He picked up the discarded lubricant and put some on his cock. Dean spread his legs a little further apart to invite Sam in. Dean could see some hesitation on Sam’s part but slowly Sam shuffled in between Dean’s legs. Dean removed his fingers and Dean gave one last nod of approval to Sam before Sam started to penetrate him.

Dean watched Sam’s eyes roll to the back of his head and he could feel that Sam was feeling pleasure. Sam bottomed out after only a couple moments. He didn’t wait for Dean to adjust before he started making shallow thrusts. Dean liked that Sam was a little unintentionally rough. Sam was missing his prostate when he did start moving but Dean knew that Sam didn’t know to even look for it.

He repositioned his hips so Sam was hitting it dead on with each stroke. Dean ran his hands over Sam’s chest as he continued to moan and whisper sweet nothings to Sam. He knew Sam liked to be praised like that and he could tell he was working Sam up a little more. When Sam’s thrusts became a little more erratic Dean moved his hand up to his dick and started stroking. He wasn’t nearly skilled enough to orgasm untouched but maybe one day.

Dean came on his stomach shortly before Sam came inside of him. When Sam was coming down from his orgasm, he rested his head on Dean’s for a moment before pulling away. Sam wasn’t gentle about pulling out either, but Dean had to remind himself that no one had ever been gentle with Sam so he didn’t know how to make it gentle.

Sam pulled up his boxers but pulled off his dressed pants the rest of the way. Dean, for his part, just laid naked on the floor with his legs spread with Sam’s body fluids leaking out of him. He looked at Sam and stated, “You’re amazing. Are you okay? Was that good for you?”

Sam nodded slowly and Dean felt Sam’s fear start to come back a little. He little brother signed, “I’ve never done that to someone before. I didn’t know doing that to someone could feel good. I don’t understand how you liked me doing that to you though.”

Dean found a blanket to cover himself up with. Then he pulled Sam over so Sam was laying down next to him. He kissed Sam on the forehead and whispered, “Someday you’ll understand.” Dean closed his eyes and realized that he got to be Sam’s first which was something he thought he lost a long time ago. 


	60. Chapter 60

John never knew how much stuff Ben got away with at Bobby’s house. Bobby gave Ben candy and soda after the wedding while they watched cartoons. It was _Looney Tunes_ and something Sam couldn’t watch. Ben laughed and kicked his feet up at funny moments. Ben finally fell asleep after his sugar crashed. He was curled up on Bobby’s sofa. John pulled a blanket over his grandson and placed a kiss on the side of his head.

He stepped away from Ben and found Bobby in the study. Bobby poured two shots of whiskey and handed one over to John. John took it and drank it down in one go. He didn’t get to drink much these days, not with Sam around. Sometimes, he wondered if he was being overprotective of Sam. He knew he probably was.

John did not want the boys to go to California. He wanted them to stay close to home so he could be there for Sammy and Dean. John knew it wasn’t his choice and he shouldn’t hold Sam back, so he let it go. He knew Dean was going to be there with Sam and so long as Dean didn’t do anything stupid it should be fine. Dean could look out for Sammy or at least John hoped Dean could look out for Sammy.

He was nervous about them spending their wedding night together. John wasn’t an idiot. He knew they were going to have sex and he had heard Dean when they did things together before. John didn’t know what they did and he didn’t ask. John just hoped Sam wanted to do those things and didn’t feel forced into doing those things because they are soulmates. John knew Dean had made some comments in the past to push Sam into engaging in sexual activity and it had upset Sam.

He thought he did what any father would do in a situation like he had with Dean. He chewed Dean out for being selfish and made him apologize. Then he tried to talk to Dean about why Sam would be sensitive to comments like what he said. He advised Dean to take it slow and informed him again that if he wanted to get anywhere with Sam, Sam would have to trust him. John hoped Dean didn’t push Sam into something he didn’t want on their wedding night.

John flopped down in the empty chair in Bobby’s study and grumbled. “Do you think they are okay? You don’t think Dean is hurting Sammy, do you?”

Bobby frowned and leaned back in his chair. He shrugged and said calmly, “Dean’s a damn fool if he is but I doubt it. I just hope Dean stays faithful to Sam. In California, he is going to be surrounded by lots of pretty college girls and Dean has always liked women. Sam is the only man, I had ever seen Dean show an interest in. That worries me.”

John nodded and frowned. He let out a defeated laugh and said, “You know, if they weren’t soulmates I doubt Dean would have ever cared about Sam. Sometimes, I wonder where they would both be if we didn’t know who our soulmates were. Dean would probably still be screwing everything that moved. Sam.. I wonder what Sam would be like. Sometimes, I look at him and I wish.. I don’t know what I wish for. I just want Sammy to be whole.”

Bobby groaned and stated flatly, “I can guarantee they wouldn’t be sleeping together if they weren’t soulmates. I think sometimes God has a sense of humor.” Bobby paused and poured another drink. “I do think they are good for each other though. They balance each other which is what they are supposed to do as soulmates.” Bobby sipped on his whiskey and added, “Okay, I am done taking about my nephews’ sex lives. Did you ever get the DNA test back on Adam?”

John nodded and sighed. “Yes, he is my son. Kate wants child support including back child support. I am fighting the back child support because I didn’t know the child was mine. She is trying to go after Sam’s money, but my attorney advised she can’t touch it. She was pretty angry when she found that out. Kate called and told me that she was never going to let me see Adam if I don’t give her a cut. So now, I am suing for visitation too.”

Bobby nodded and asked, “Why aren’t you asking for custody?”

John shrugged and stated carefully, “Adam has gone to the same school his entire life. I don’t want to pull him out of that unless he wants to come here. I know there is going to be some tension between Adam and Dean. I mean, Dean fathered a child with his soulmate. I don’t want Adam to resent me and I want to be in his life without completely changing his life.”

Bobby let out a slow breath and said carefully, “No matter what you do he may not like you, Dean or Sam. Hell, he may not like me and I am pretty lovable. I am sure Kate is doing a smear campaign with Adam on you. I am equally sure that Lisa is doing a smear campaign against Sam and Dean with Adam.”

John looked out the window and stared at the night sky and whispered, “I just don’t know what to do. I never had to share Dean with Mary and once I got Sam back I didn’t have to share him either. I didn’t have to do this visitation stuff. I never even let the boys have supervised visitation with Mary. It is hard for me to know the right thing to do with Adam because with his brothers I always fought to keep them close.”

Bobby frowned and said simply, “You will figure it out. Adam will come around to you in the end, even it is ten years down the road.”

John huffed out a laugh, “You know, Sam and Dean had to sign a prenuptial agreement before they wed. That way if they both died Sam’s money wouldn’t automatically go to Ben. It is horrible that we had to do that and unfortunately Sam understood perfectly well.”

John remembered that meeting with the attorney. They were going over Sam’s estate and what should happen to it if he were to die. They explained to him that Dean would most likely die at the same time as Sam. Still, Sam left most of his money to Dean. He left 50% to Dean and if Dean died with him then that money was to be given to a charity to help children who had been human trafficked.

Ben would get 2% of Sam’s wealth. However, John and Bobby were listed as the trustees for that account until Ben turned twenty-five. Lisa couldn’t touch the money. John and Bobby each got twelve percent, John knew that would leave both him and Bobby set for the rest of their lives. Sam left nothing to Adam because in Sam’s exact words, _“I don’t like Lisa and he is her soulmate.”_   The remaining 24% was to be used for expenses and anything that was left was to be given to charity. Sam wanted that money to go help children like him.    

If Sam and Dean ever separated, Dean would have no access to Sam’s money. Any and all assets acquired during their marriage would be given to Sam with the exception of Dean’s car and personal belongings. Sam would only be required to support Dean during a separation if Dean became disabled and was unable to support himself. John knew they could never get divorced. The most they could ever do was separate. Still the same clause was written in just in case divorce was ever legalized.

John hoped he was doing the right things for Sam and he hoped he was protecting his son.

++

The morning after their wedding night, Dean woke up to the smell of bacon. He grumbled from where he laid on the floor next to Sam. He had recently given up on trying to convince Sam to sleep on a bed. Some battles just weren’t won. Dean glanced over at Sam and saw that he was still sleeping. He gently brushed Sam’s hair out of his face which caused him to stir.

Sam blinked up at him and Dean smiled. “Hey sleepy head, I think someone is making us breakfast.”

Sam smiled and asked curiously, “Dad?”

Dean pulled back because he wanted to give Sam a kiss but terrifying Sam first thing in the morning would not be a good start to the day. Dean sat up and said simply, “I think so. We should get dressed and go see.” He looked down and realized he hadn’t put on any clothes after last night. He was happy that his nudity was not upsetting Sam. Dean took the small things when he could get them.

They both threw on pajamas and wandered into the dining room. Sam rarely went into the kitchen and Dean knew with bacon cooking Sam wouldn’t go near the kitchen. Dean saw their dad plating up the bacon and pancakes in the kitchen. Dean was a little surprised when he heard Sam ask John, “Plain or blueberry?”

John took the plates of food into the dining room and sat them down. He seemed really upbeat to Dean, “Both actually, Ben insisted on plain ones. We made a deal that he would eat his fruit on the side.”

Dean looked around then for his son and realized Ben was no where in sight. He asked, “Where is my son?”

John chuckled, “He is in his room playing with Legos. I told him to keep it down until you boys got up. I’ll go get him. You two should eat, you have a long day ahead of you.” Dean liked Legos when he was a kid but with having a child of his own, he hated the little things. It hurt to step on those in the middle of the night. Dean wondered why Sam was always unfazed when he stepped on a Lego.

++

Lisa sat across from Meg at a small café in Wisconsin. She had moved there to be closer to Adam, but Adam was still a child. She now understood Dean’s struggles with accepting Sam. She wished she could have a soulmate the same age as her or better yet no soulmate at all. However, she felt a connection to Adam and she couldn’t bring herself to hurt him.

That was the whole reason why she was here. She had to make sure Meg didn’t follow through on her threat and hurt Adam, Ben, or Dean. She could careless about Sam. They could throw Sam back into that basement they found him in for all she cared. That freak messed up her life.

Meg sipped on her coffee and stated, “Thank you for planting the camera. Do you have any news on the boys?”

Lisa rolled her eyes and stated, “Ben said that they were getting married which Dean confirmed. I think the wedding was yesterday, but I tried not to think about how that freak stole Dean from me.  I also know they are moving to California so the freak can go to college.”

Meg frowned and sat down her coffee. She stated, “That is unexpected. I didn’t expect him to go to college.”

Lisa shook her head and sighed. She was agitated, “Yeah well, he is talking now which is annoying because now I actually know what he is saying. He was much easier to ignore when I couldn’t hear him.”

Meg leaned back in her chair and said smugly, “Well, I have some news for you and you’re not going to like it.”

Lisa didn’t like most of what Meg had to say. She didn’t like it when Meg blackmailed her into helping her spy on Sam and Dean. Of course, Meg had the leverage of her son, her soulmate, and her ex-lover. Meg also helpfully supplied photos of what happened to other people they had taken. Sam was not in any of the pictures that she saw, but what she did see gave her nightmares for a week.

Lisa knew she couldn’t go to the police. If she went to the police, Lisa knew Sam, Dean, and Ben would disappear and she would never see them again. She knew it was selfish but she didn’t want to let Dean go. They had a son together so surely that meant something.

Reluctantly, Lisa nodded her head for Meg to tell her whatever it was.

Meg was grinning when she said mockingly, “The buyer that purchased Sam from Azazel is willing to take Adam as a replacement. Because of the police, the buyer was never able to get his product. They look similar but have different hair and eye colors. The buyer is willing to overlook that. What are you willing to do for me to make sure Adam stays safe and sound? You wouldn’t want him to end up looking like a scarred freak like Sammy now would we?”

Lisa shook her head no and said quietly, “No, I will do anything you want.”

Meg perked up and said happily, “Great, we should talk about your next assignment.” 

Meg put a manila envelope in front of Lisa and she was beginning to second guess her stance on not going to the police. She had a feeling that Meg was never going to really leave her alone now that she was in her web. All she wanted was for Sam to disappear again. 


	61. Chapter 61

Sam stared out the car window as they drove into a town he had never been to. It was on the other side of the state and they spent six and a half hours driving there. Sam knew they were going to visit Mary’s parents. He had wanted to meet them just to see what they’re like. Sam didn’t really know what to expect. He didn’t know if they would be kind or cruel.

However, he hoped they didn’t hate him and he hoped maybe they could help him to understand why Mary hurt him. Sam knew Mary died and while that didn’t really sadden Sam, he wished he had a chance to talk to her. He wished he could have asked her why. He was just a baby and he knew that babies were innocent. Sam also knew that he didn’t get to pick his soulmate, God did that. He wondered if Mary didn’t like God.

Soon enough, Dean was driving through a residential area. They parked in front of a small home and Sam felt nervousness from Dean. He glanced over at his soulmate and asked, “Are you okay?” He knew he had to use his voice today, at least until they were done with this visit. Sam also knew Dean liked it when he tried, even if sometimes the words didn’t sound quite right.

Dean let out a slow breath and said carefully, “Yeah, I am fine. I am just nervous. I haven’t seen these people since I was four. I don’t remember them. I wish I remembered something. I don’t remember how they reacted to you, but Deana looked happy holding you in your baby pictures.”

Sam shrugged and stated, “We can leave if they are mean.” Ash always told him it was okay to walk away from mean people.

Dean chuckled and Sam didn’t understand why. He was trying to be kind and treat Dean well. He wondered if maybe he should talk less. Sam heard Dean calm himself and say firmly, “Okay, we should go meet them.”

They got out of the car and Sam was a little surprised when Dean took his hand. Sam allowed it because he didn’t feel like upsetting Dean. He knew sometimes Dean got mad when he didn’t want Dean to touch him. Dean knocked on the front door and Sam stood behind Dean.

Slowly the front door opened and an older bald man opened the door. He looked them both over and Sam dropped his eyes. Azazel had clients that would look at him like that. He heard the older man’s voice. It sounded kind. “Hi, you must be Dean and Sammy.”

Dean spoke up and Sam could feel Dean’s unease but he couldn’t hear it in Dean’s voice. Dean was confident when he spoke. “Yes, we are. I am Dean.” Dean gestured toward him and said, “This is Sam.”

The man opened the door a little further and said simply, “Please come in.” The man led them into a living room. Sam glanced around the room and took in the dated furniture and knitted blankets. He looked at the walls and saw photos of the man with another woman his age and a girl. The girl had blonde hair and Sam stared at the photos on the wall and could see the girl grow up into a young woman. He wondered if that woman in the photos was Mary, his mother. She didn’t look evil to him.

An older lady walked into the room holding a tray with tea and lemonade. She sat it down on the coffee table and smiled happily. “We are so excited you boys are here. Please sit down. I am your grandmother. My name is Deana. Dean, you were named after me. And Sam, you were named after Samuel. It was such an honor to have our grandsons named after us.”

Sam glanced at Dean and Dean smiled. He took a sip of his lemonade and said calmly, “You’re welcome, I guess. So Sam and I don’t really know you and you don’t really know us. So um, I see a lot of pictures of Mary. I don’t remember if you had any other children.”

Samuel spoke up and he sounded a little sad, “No, Mary was our only child. Deana had some complications giving birth to Mary and I didn’t want to risk losing my soulmate to have another one. So we were done after Mary. She was a beautiful child and spoiled. What was it like for the two of you to grow up?”

Sam wasn’t sure how to answer that question. Luckily Dean spoke for him. “It was hard for both of us, Sam more so than me obviously. Dad did a pretty good job of raising us. Aunt Karen was like the mom I never had until she passed. Sammy never got to meet her though. I wish he could, I think he would like her.”

Deana sounded nervous but adamant, “We are sorry about everything Mary put you through. Your grandfather and I never wanted that for either of you.”

Sam could feel Dean getting angry and he didn’t understand. He spoke up and carefully said, “Thank you.” He didn’t really know what else to say, but he wanted Dean to calm down.

Samuel chuckled it was condescending laugh, “Where did those people keep you, boy? You have a funny accent.” Sam felt his body go numb with being called boy and he felt some shame for not being able to sound like everyone else. He felt his breathing increase and Sam knew he was panicking. He wanted to go home, back to his room where it was safe.

Dean knew immediately that Sam was panicking. He wasn’t entirely sure what set Sam off. Dean knew Sam was called boy by Azazel and he also knew that Sam just got insulted by Samuel. He knew Sam wanted to make a good impression and Dean honestly hoped this would go well. He hated that Sam had this view of the world that everyone hated him.

He knelt down in front of Sam and he placed his hands on either side of Sam’s face. Dean spoke gently and quietly. He learned a long time ago to keep his voice soft when Sam got like this. “Hey Sammy, just breathe for me. You’re okay, I promise. Nothing is going to happen to you. Just breathe.”

Dean heard Deana tell Samuel to be quiet and she asked politely, “Is he okay?”

Dean nodded and kept his voice gentle as not to startle Sam, even though he wanted to snap at her. “Yeah, he’ll be fine. Something startled him was all.” Dean gave her an uneasy smile and hoped she would stop asking questions.

She didn’t and she sounded concerned, “Is this normal for him?”

Dean sighed and whispered to Sam, “Just breathe, Sammy. You’re okay, I promise. You’re not there. You’re safe.” After he reassured Sam he turned his attention back to Deana. He spoke a little louder but his voice was still quiet. “Yes, but he is getting better and this doesn’t happen often. He’s moved mountains from where he was when he was first rescued. I am proud of him. He’s stronger than I could ever be.”

It took a few minutes but Sam started to calm down. Dean silently wiped away Sam’s tears. He doubted Sam would use his voice for at least the rest of the day. Sam didn’t speak when he got like this. Dean was fairly certain, Sam was just afraid to speak. Not like he could blame Sam, he knew how much they hurt him when he made sounds.

Finally Sam signed to him, “I want to go home.”

Dean leaned forward and kissed Sam on the forehead. Sam surprisingly didn’t pull away. Instead, he wrapped his arms around Dean. He returned the hug and whispered, “Of course Sammy, we can go home. We should say goodbye to Samuel and Deana first.”

Dean heard Samuel’s incredulous voice from behind him, “Why is he using sign language?” He could tell that was a judgement of Sam and Dean had enough.

He turned and snapped at Samuel. “He knows sign language because he was mute. Your daughter allowed him to be tortured. Do you want to know what happened to him from the time he was a toddler to when he was finally rescued at 12 when he made a sound? I’ll tell you. He got electrocuted. So excuse me, if Sam’s voice doesn’t meet your standards of whatever it is you think it should be. He went through Hell because your daughter was horrible human being. The fact that he can talk at all is a miracle. The doctors told us he wouldn’t be able to.”

Deana was if nothing else diplomatic. “I’m sorry Samuel upset you. He has that way about him.”

Dean helped Sam stand and kept his hand on Sam’s arm to steady him. He was glad he packed pillows for their trip because he knew Sam had a tendency to take a nap after an episode like that. He turned back to Deana and took a calming breath. “Thank you for your hospitality. Sam and I need to get going.”

He guided Sam out of the house and sat him down in the passenger seat. He pulled a couple pillows from the backseat. He sat one between Sam and the door and the other in between them. Dean handed Sam a small blanket in case he wanted it. Dean knew Sam would reposition the pillows how he wanted.

Dean slipped into the driver’s seat and asked Sam gently, “I know we were planning on spending the night at Garth’s house. Do you want to go there or do you want to just go home?”

Sam fiddled with the blanket for a few moments then he signed, “I want Dad.”

Dean had no idea how they were going to make it in California.

++

After about thirty minutes on the road Sam fell asleep in the passenger seat. Dean was at a loss on what to do. He called Garth on his phone to let him know they wouldn’t be able to make it. Garth was understanding as always.

Dean was unsure about visiting Deana and Samuel today. The only reason he agreed to it was because he could feel Sam’s curiosity when John talked to them about it. The day after their wedding wasn’t the best day to meet, but it was the only day Deana and Samuel had available. He found out the couple were going to start their cross country RV trip the following day. It made Dean wonder what him and Sam would be like as an old couple. For some reason, he pictured them having a lot of cats.

When Dean heard about his mothers death. It still upset him because despite everything she had done to them, she was still his mother and he loved her at one time. He did cry when she died, but it was because of what he never had because of her. Dean did remember some things about his mother before she hurt Sam. He wished he could have that person back. He wished Sam could have known the woman that tucked him in at night while humming _Hey Jude_. He wished Sam could have known the woman who made him tomato and rice soup when he was sick because that was what Deana did.

Sometimes, Dean wondered how the woman in his memories could be the same person that set Sam’s nursery on fire and handed him over to a monster. He had tried to understand her reasoning. He spent hours talking to Pam about it. Dean could never understand though. He thought that if his mother didn’t want them to be together then why didn’t she just ask for divorce? John could have taken Sam and he could have gone with Mary. Sam would have never been tortured and he would have Aunt Karen and Uncle Bobby.

Dean knew he couldn’t change the past and no amount of wondering would change what happened. There was something wrong with Mary even when she was being sweet to him. Dean knew deep down that regardless of who his soulmate was he or she never would have been good enough for him in Mary’s eyes. Dean wondered if maybe Mary was jealous because she never go to know her soulmate in this life. He did wonder what her soulmate thought of her now that they got to meet in the afterlife.

They arrived home after dark and Dean woke Sam up. He helped Sam into the house and watched Sam immediately go to their dad. John and Sam sat down on the sofa. Sam let John hold him as he cried. Dean could feel Sam’s frustration, shame, and self-hatred. He could his dad whispering to Sam but he couldn’t make out what he was saying.

Dean decided to bring in their bags from the car and hope that one day he would be the one Sam turned to. He wished Mary would have just taken him instead of letting any of that happen to Sam. He wanted Sam to be whole.


	62. Chapter 62

Sam didn’t speak and barely signed for two weeks after meeting Deana and Samuel. He never talked about them to Dean and Dean didn’t know how to approach the subject. The more Dean thought about it, the more he thought it was a terrible idea to go to California. He was fairly certain Sam wouldn’t be able to handle it and they would end up coming home. Still he knew he had to give Sam the chance. Sam might surprise them all.

Despite that, Dean did his homework on the move. It did require some help from Castiel to put together cost tables that he didn’t know how to do. It turned out buying a house because Sam could afford to buy it outright would be cheaper for them than renting. After they were done in California, they could sell the home and get most of their money back.

He had his charts that Castiel put together for him and now he just had to talk to his dad. Dean went to the shop to talk to his dad because it didn’t feel right to talk about this in front of Sam. He felt like he was doing something behind Sam’s back. Gabriel told him that they should probably ask Sam what he wants but he didn’t. Dean knew deep down, Gabriel was right. However, he still couldn’t bring himself to ask Sam because he wasn’t sure Sam would understand.

Dean sat down in John’s office. His dad looked at him and asked, “How are you doing, Dean? Where is Sam?”

Dean fiddled with his folder of charts and said a little nervously, “Sam is with Jessica and Ben. Jessica’s church group is having some sort of event for children Ben’s age and asked Sam to come with Ben. Ben informed me that he wanted Uncle Sammy time.”

John chuckled and said happily, “It is good that he is getting out more. I think Ben helps him because Sam will actually sign or speak responses to Ben when he asks a question. That isn’t something Sam always does for us. What sort of event is it?” He knew exactly where Sam and Ben were. He wanted to see if Dean was paying attention. Dean was supposed to be with them.

Dean shrugged because he didn’t really know. He knew a little, “I think they are swimming and having a cookout. I don’t think Sam is going to help with the cooking but he might go swimming with Ben. I know he packed his swim shirt and shorts.” Dean bought Sam a shirt made for guys to wear while swimming. 

John nodded and said simply, “It is good that Sam is going out on his own. What do you want to talk to me about?”

Dean took a deep breath and said carefully, “I did some research and it would be cheaper in the long run to buy a house in California. I don’t know if we should do that now though. I don’t.. I don’t think he is going to make it to be honest. When he gets upset, he wants you or Uncle Bobby.”

John sighed and moved some papers around on his desk. He didn’t look up when he said, “I know Sam probably won’t make it at Stanford. It feels like yesterday that I got him back and I’m not ready to let him go but I know I have to. I have to let him be his own man.”

Dean nodded and asked tentatively, “So what are we going to do about living situations?”

John tapped his fingers on his desk and stated, “I think we can fly out there again and find a house to rent. If Sam makes it through his first term we can look at buying a house. Once you’re there you should know the area a little better and be able to make a better choice. I am going to keep you boys on insurance through the shop so you don’t have to worry about that expense.”

Dean nodded in understanding. “I know my internship won’t pay a lot so thank you. I think I will be able to cover Ben’s daycare and probably food and utilities but that is about it. I hate having to rely on Sam like that. It seems unfair to Sam.”

John looked out the window at his shop for a few moments and said quietly, “Sam asked me the other day if you could afford daycare for Ben. He didn’t want Ben going to what he thought was one of the scary daycares. I think Sam wants to contribute and we need to start including him. We should probably sit down and talk with him about this. It is his money and his college experience.”

Dean laughed and said, “I doubt Sammy will be going to any wild parties”

++

Ben looked at Uncle Sammy. He had to look really far up to see Uncle Sammy’s face. Ben was wearing his Spiderman swimming trunks. He did not want to put on that thing Uncle Sammy had in his hands. It was something to make him float and he didn’t need that he was a little man. At least, Daddy said he was a little man.

He stuck out his bottom lip and pouted in the hope that Uncle Sammy would cave. He whined, “Uncle Sammy, I don’t wanna.” Ben looked up hoping he would win his uncle over.

Ben stopped his feet when Uncle Sammy shook his head and said, “No Ben.” He was pondering throwing a tantrum when Uncle Sammy knelt down to his level and signed. “Please Ben. It will keep you safe and you can’t go swimming without it.”

Ben huffed out a breath and considered his options. He whined loudly in a vain attempt to get his way. He peaked at Uncle Sammy and he looked as calm as he always was. He stomped his feet a couple times before plopping himself on the ground and crying. Ben started crying louder when Uncle Sammy just sat down on the bench by him. His Uncle Sammy wasn’t going to let him have his way.

He cried until he started to hear other children playing in the pool. He wanted to go play too. Ben hiccupped a couple times as he calmed down. Then he said reluctantly, “Okay Uncle Sammy.”

Ben let Sam put the life vest on him. He still didn’t like it. It didn’t have any superheroes on it. It was just a basic green. He waited patiently as Uncle Sammy put their stuff in a locker and put a weird lock on the door. Ben eagerly held out his arms to be picked up when Uncle Sammy turned around.

He squealed in happiness when Uncle Sammy picked him up. Ben liked it when Uncle Sammy held him because he was tall and he could see everything. He liked being held by Uncle Bobby the best though. Uncle Bobby would hold him above his head and that was fun.

Uncle Sammy sat him down on the ground by the stairs to the pool. Ben stepped forward and put one foot in the water. He glanced up at Uncle Sammy because he felt unsure. Ben watched as Uncle Sammy got in the pool in front of him and held out his arms. Ben jumped into Uncle Sammy’s arms. He saw his Uncle Sammy smile and that made him happy.

Uncle Sammy twirled him around in the water for a few moments before letting him go while still holding onto his arm. Ben glanced around the pool. He saw some other children playing with their parents. He kicked his feet and moved his arms to get over to them. Ben could feel Uncle Sammy’s hand over the front of his life vest. So he knew his uncle was nearby.

One of the other children tossed him a ball when he got near. Ben swam to get it then threw it back. He was happy and having a good time throwing the ball. That was until some mean little lady said, “Mommy, why does he look like that?” The mean little lady pointed at his Uncle Sammy. Ben made a point to stop playing and glare at her. His Uncle Sammy was awesome and he didn’t have any boo boos. He had scars. His boo boos healed. Daddy told him that.

While he was glaring at the mean little lady, the kid he was playing with threw the ball back. It nearly hit him in the face. Ben could see it heading toward him out of the corner of his eye, but Uncle Sammy grabbed it just in time. Uncle Sammy was his favorite superhero.

++

Sam had no idea how Ben had this much energy. They played in the pool for over an hour and Ben showed no signs of wearing down. They played with a ball for a while but Ben seemed to favor exploring the pool. Sam knew the life jacket would keep Ben safe but he still kept a hand on Ben as they moved around the pool. It steadied Ben and allowed him to think he was moving around on his own. Sam really hoped Ben would go down for a nap when they were done.

Sam got them each a hot dog and a bag of chips to eat. He knew Ben would not eat the potato salad because of the texture and he wouldn’t eat coleslaw because he thought it had vegetables in it. Coleslaw did have vegetables in it but he didn’t confirm Ben’s observations. Sam decided to save the battle of the vegetables for dinner. Dean could handle that. It was always fun watching Dean reluctantly eat his own serving of vegetables.

He cut was cutting Ben’s hot dog up into smaller pieces for him when Jessica sat down next to him. She focused her attention on Ben. “Hey Ben, did you have fun today?”

Ben nodded and said happily, “Yes, but Uncle Sammy made me wear that thing.” Sam knew he was talking about the life vest.

Jessica smiled and crossed her arms on the table. Sam put Ben’s plate in front of him and said, “Ben didn’t like his life vest.” Sam knew vest came out sounding more like best but he tried and he knew Jessica wouldn’t judge him.

Jessica nodded and she had a serious look on her face. She spoke to Ben reassuringly, “I had to wear one when I was little too. Is your daddy going to sign you up for swimming classes?”

Ben shrugged and looked at Sam. Sam put his hot dog down and said, “I haven’t heard Dean say anything about that.”

Jessica smiled and said, “That is cool. I didn’t take swimming classes until I was in first grade.” She winked at Ben which made Ben giggle. Sam was glad she was good to Ben.

Ben looked over at Sam and asked, “When did Uncle Sammy do that?”

Sam thought for a moment. He had never taken swimming lessons. He couldn’t really swim now. He was just tall enough to stand in the water. Sam wondered if maybe Dean would help him learn. Sam smiled and said, “Still working on that.”

++

Jodi met Bobby at the Winchester house while Sam and Dean were both away. John knew they were there. If this was nothing and the FBI were just trying to harass the boys she didn’t want to put them through that. Jodi knew that they probably weren’t pleased with what they had to pay out to Sam. She personally thought Sam deserved every dime and should spend the rest of his life traveling the world or doing whatever it was he wanted to do. The kid deserved it.  

She entered the house and went to the boys’ bedroom. Jodi glanced at all the pillows and blankets scattered on the floor. She glanced over at Bobby for an explanation.

Bobby just shrugged and said, “Sammy won’t sleep on a bed so Dean made this little nest for them. It got Sammy to stop hiding under the desk at night.”

Jodi nodded and frowned. She felt bad for Sam. She focused her attention on the wall and the pictures she received from the FBI. Jodi moved one Sam’s drawings of Dean that was high up on the wall. Behind it was something that looked like a nail pushed into the wall. However when Jodi took a closer look she could see it wasn’t a nail at all. It was a camera.

She stepped away from the camera and said sadly, “I need to go get my evidence bag. I think they were right.”

Bobby crossed his arms and asked bluntly, “Are the boys safe here?” He didn’t want anything more to happen to Sam or Dean. He could picture them killing Sam for revenge and they could take Ben. Ben was the right age for sick child traffickers.

Jodi said adamantly, “I will have an officer stationed outside the house for their protection. I think the FBI has a pretty good idea on who is behind this. I don’t know who though. I am pretty much out of the loop.”


	63. Chapter 63

There was a numb feeling inside Dean when he found out they were being spied on. That this thing with Sam wasn’t over. That he was a target and so was his son. That his half-brother, who hated him, was a target. Dean wondered if Mary could see what she was putting her children through. He wondered if she would even care.

Officer Mills insisted that they were safe at home. Dean wasn’t entirely sure he believed that. Still he was torn about who to protect the most. Should he put his child first or his soulmate? Dean knew they could take him without a fight if they just left Ben, Sam, and Adam alone. He would do anything to keep them safe.

Dean had Ben sleep on the bed in their room while they slept on the floor on their little nest of pillows. Sometimes when they woke up in the morning Ben would be asleep between them. He wanted his son safe and close. He didn’t want his son’s room to catch on fire and for him to disappear like Sammy did.

Sam hadn’t spoken much since they got the news and stayed in his room most of the time. Dean stopped by the doorway to their room and looked in. Sam was sitting on the floor. He was staring at that little army man Dean rescued from evidence. Dean didn’t tell Sam, but he had five replacement army men that were exactly the same hidden in their dad’s closet. He found his old bag of army men one weekend at Bobby’s and sorted out the ones like the one Sam had an attachment to.

Dean watched Sam and he wondered what Sam was doing. He quietly walked into the room and sat down next to Sam. He looked at the army man on the floor as he asked softly, “What are you doing, Sammy?”

Sam glanced over at him and had tears in his eyes. He signed, “When I was there. This army man was my only friend. I would hold him at night so I could think someone was holding me. So I could think that I was safe and that I mattered. I would tell him all my secrets. I couldn’t talk or sign but I spoke the words in my mind. Sometimes, I would pretend that he could answer me back.” A couple tears fell down Sam’s face. “I didn’t feel so alone. I never pictured freedom to be like this. I never knew what it was to love and have friends, real friends. It was almost better not knowing.”

Dean reached up and gently wiped away Sam’s tears. He spoke softly, “But Sammy, I wouldn’t be whole without you. You’re the one that taught me to man up and stop being a self-centered prick. You’re the one that showed me how important Dad is. You’re the one that showed me how selfless unconditional love is. I love you and getting you the way you are is better than not knowing.”

Sam sobbed and Dean just held his hand on the side of Sam’s face. Dean felt helpless as his hand became soaked with Sam’s tears. Finally Sam signed, “I don’t know how I’ll be able to go back to that place. I’ll miss so much, so very much. Will you look at the sky for me when I am gone? I want you to be able to tell me about what I missed after we go to Heaven.”

Dean understood now. Sam thought they were going to take him again. Dean flexed his fingers on the sides of Sam’s face. He spoke firmly, “Sammy, they are never laying a hand on you again. I promise, I will die before I let them take you again or Ben.”

Sam smiled sadly and shook his head as he stared at the floor. He signed, “If you die so will I.”

Dean lifted up Sam’s chin and said firmly, “You won’t die. You don’t need me. I need you.”

Sam looked sad when he signed, “You are what I lived for. It was what I felt from you that kept me from letting go. I do need you. That is why I have always accepted whatever love you will give me. You shouldn’t die for me. You still have to be a father to Ben. It is better this way. It is better if they just take me. I’m nothing.”

Dean felt like someone hit his heart with a sledgehammer. He couldn’t help but wonder how much his actions caused Sam to think of himself like that. He wished he could take back a lot of things. He wished that he could say that he loved Sam every day of his life, but he couldn’t say that. It wasn’t true and Sam could feel the lie.

He grabbed onto Sam’s hair, probably a little to forcefully but he was upset. Dean pressed their foreheads together and he felt a breakdown coming on. He hadn’t had a breakdown since he was about twelve or thirteen and felt so much pain from Sam; he begged his dad to save Sam. Dean still wasn’t sure who was crying harder with that breakdown, him or John. Dean knew now, that pain he felt from Sam was the first time Sam was raped.

Dean didn’t stop his breakdown. He let the tears fall out of his eyes and he held onto Sam like he might suddenly disappear. Sam needed to understand that he wasn’t made of steel. Dean did something, he never let himself do before. He grieved. He didn’t grieve because someone died. He grieved because of all the years they lost, all the pain Sam felt, all the self-hate he caused Sam to feel, everything. Dean let everything he felt inside pour out in a mix of tears, snot, and grabbing onto Sam. He found himself repeating to Sam. “Don’t leave me. Don’t ever leave me. Promise me. You’re all I have.”

Sam remained silent as far as Dean knew. He didn’t hear Sam say anything and Sam really wasn’t in a position to sign anything. He could feel what Sam was feeling though. Sam wasn’t afraid rather he was concerned. Dean knew that offering comfort to someone wasn’t really Sam’s strong point. Even with Ben, Sam had trouble comforting. He did have the easiest time calming Ben down from a tantrum though.

++

Lisa was sitting across the table at the police station. Her wrists were in shackles as were her feet. She was angry and felt betrayed. She wasn’t sure what charges she was going to be facing. Lisa wasn’t sure if she would ever see Dean again or her son. She stared at the small barred window and wondered if Ben will call that little freak Dad. She hoped not. She hoped that Ben hated Sam.

She wondered if now that she failed and was caught what would happen. Lisa wondered if they would take Adam as promised and if he would ever forgive her. She knew it had to be hard on him but Lisa thought it was harder on her. Lisa was torn away from the man she loved. It was wrong and painful for her. The man she loved replaced her like she didn’t even matter. He said she didn’t matter. Lisa was heartbroken.

A black FBI agent entered the room where she was being held. She looked at him as he sat down. He opened a folder, but she could not read what it said inside. He made eye contact and said calmly, “My name is Agent Hendrickson. I would like to ask you a few questions. Is that okay?”

Lisa nodded and cleared her throat, “Yeah that is fine.”

The agent nodded and said in a neutral tone, “Tell me why you tried to take that boy?” The agent pulled out a photo of the blonde haired and blue eyed three year old boy. She was supposed to slip into his house and take him while his mother watered the garden as he napped. It was the mother’s daily routine and Lisa thought she would have enough time. Lisa was wrong.

Lisa was torn between telling the truth and a lie. She didn’t know which was more believable. She didn’t know how much they already knew. They were waiting for her inside that house to grab the boy. They knew she was coming. They knew, she realized. They just wanted her to utter the words.

She asked carefully, “If I tell you everything, what is in it for me?”

The agent shrugged and pulled out another picture from the folder. This one was of Ben. He tapped on the picture and said. “That little boy you tried to take. He is the same age as your son. What were you going to do to that boy? Would you be okay with that happening to your son?”

Lisa shook her head and ran her fingers over the photo of Ben. It was recent and taken when he was with Dean. Ben looked happy and alive. She knew what was going to happen to that boy she tried to take. He would have ended up like Sam in the end. Lisa didn’t want Ben to end up like that. She never wanted Ben to suffer like that.

She wiped away a couple tears and said, “They said if I didn’t do it. They would take Adam Mulligan, my soulmate. They said that Sam Winchester was sold to someone else before he was rescued and that buyer would take Adam as a replacement. If I did their bidding Adam and Ben would stay safe. I didn’t have a choice.”

Agent Hendrickson wrote down some notes. Then he asked, “Who is they?”

Lisa fiddled with her cuffs and said, “Meg Masters was the only one I talked to. There is someone above her though, a woman but I don’t know her name.”

Agent Hendrickson asked bluntly, “Do you know what they wanted with the boy?”

Lisa nodded and state quietly, “They wanted to train him and sell him. Meg said blonde hair with blue eyes sell the best.”

Agent Hendrickson had an unreadable expression on his face and it made Lisa’s stomach go into knots. He asked slowly, “Do you know who purchased Sam Winchester?”

Lisa shook her head no and said nervously. “Not directly no, but Meg.. She always talked about how the fre.. Sam was hers. She called him her toy. She would rant about how John was keeping her from him. Meg tried to get close to Dean to get Dean to give her Sam a couple times. Dean wouldn’t even give her the time of day.”

Agent Hendrickson asked, “Are there any other children you know about that are targets?”

Lisa shook her head no again and whispered, “No, they give me the name of the child to take that’s it. This boy was supposed to be my first one. They said if I fail they are going to take Adam.”

++

Meg sat in an interrogation room. Her lawyer sat next to her. Her face was cold and impassive. This was a setup, she told herself. Lilith set her up. Meg knew she helped murder Mary Campbell. That was good cold fun but now she knew it was more than that. It was Lilith’s way of getting her out of the picture for good.

The only thing Meg wanted was the one thing Lilith wouldn’t give her. She wanted Boy. He was her toy. She learned how to torture on him. She played dress up with his body and learned how to do makeup using his face. Boy belonged her, not Dean. She claimed him first.

Meg knew Lilith wouldn’t come after Boy or anyone in his family. She knew that when she told Lisa they would take Ben or Adam. Taking either of them would throw the abduction into the national spotlight because of Boy so it wouldn’t happen. It would draw to much attention. Lisa fell for it though. Meg had thought Lisa would be good for picking up marks. She looked kind and harmless.

Meg wanted to train. She enjoyed wetting her shoes on the blood stained floor. She enjoyed the moans and the cries of pain. Boy never moaned or made a sound after he was taught. His cries were silent. Those were the best kind she thought. He was so beautifully broken like newly bloomed flower. She wanted to train all of her products to be like Boy. The loudest cries were the silent ones. The silent cries that made their soulmates scream a world way. Those were the best. Those cries were what she will miss but the memories of those cries will flutter across her dreams for years to come.

An FBI agent walked in the room and Meg remembered the smell of burned flesh. The first time she smelled it was when she pressed her curling iron to Boy’s arm. He held his arm still for her to burn and mutilate. His eyes filled with tears and his body trembled. It was one of the most beautiful things she had ever seen and he never made a sound. He was a good toy.

The agent sat and introduced himself, “Miss Masters, I am Agent Hendrickson. I would like to ask you a few questions.” Meg wondered if he would see the beauty of her work. She wondered if he would let her talk to Boy one last time and then maybe she would tell them everything. 


	64. Chapter 64

Silence. Not even the birds were chirping outside. It wasn’t a good day on his visit with his dad. Adam wasn’t sure what to think of the Winchester family. They seemed nice enough. He didn’t have his own room at their house, so he had the choice of either sleeping in Ben’s room on a bed made for three year old, which was not going to happen, or the sofa.

It wasn’t that sleeping on the sofa bothered him per se. It was the fact that there as a perfectly good unused bed in his brothers’ room that he could be sleeping in. The more time Adam spent here, the less he understood Sam. He knew something happened to Sam but he didn’t know what exactly. He did note that there was over a ten year span where there were no pictures of Sam. Then when the pictures did start again, it made Adam uneasy. Sam was a sickly looking skeleton in a hospital bed at twelve. Something happened to Sam. Something very bad happened to Sam.

Adam didn’t really know what to say to Dean. He slept with his soulmate and that hurt Adam deeply. Dean did apologize which Adam thought was admirable. He thought Dean was full of it until Sam told him Dean was being honest.

Sam didn’t talk all the time either. Sometimes Sam would use sign language, which Adam didn’t understand. Adam did notice that Sam always tried to speak around him but sometimes Sam resorted to a notepad or someone would translate.

Ben knew sign language and sometimes Ben would sign instead of speaking. Adam didn’t know what to make of that. He knew Ben learned it from Sam and Dean. He just didn’t understand why they used sign language in the first place. Everyone in this family could hear and talk. Yet this alternate form of communication was used on a regular basis. He didn’t understand.

To make the mystery that was Sam Winchester even more compelling. Adam was stuck at the Winchester house today with Dean and Ben. John and Sam had to drive to the city for a doctor’s appointment for Sam. Adam got a whole lot of silence when he asked what that appointment was for.

But on the bright side, the Sam Winchester mystery was keeping his mind off other things. Like how his soulmate was a horrible human being that tried to kidnap a child and planted cameras in the Winchester’s house. He heard her excuses and Adam didn’t believe her. It didn’t feel like she was telling him everything. There was something she was leaving out. He could feel it and if he had to guess it had to do with Dean.

He may only be twelve but he’s not stupid. He knew Lisa loved Dean and probably still does. Adam just didn’t understand how her love for Dean could translate into kidnapping. That didn’t make sense to Adam.

Adam was pulled from his internal pondering when he heard Dean enter the room. He stared at Dean and then Dean said nervously, “So I was thinking that after Ben wakes up from his nap. We could go over to Uncle Bobby’s for a little bit and we could tinker on cars or something. Uncle Bobby has been itching to spend some time with Ben.”

Adam rolled his eyes and flopped back on the sofa and he glared at his older brother. He asked sarcastically, “Is this your attempt to make friends?”

Dean sat down and said slowly, “Look, I told you I was sorry and I don’t expect you to forgive me. However, I would still like to be your friend even if you don’t want me to be your big brother.”

Adam let out a slow breath and asked angrily, “Where was Sam when you were screwing my soulmate? Why weren’t you screwing him? And while we’re on the subject where the Hell is Sam? And if you people are so wealthy like my mom says then why do you drive super old cars and live in a three bedroom house with old furniture?”

Dean laughed and Adam fought the urge to punch him. He really wanted to punch Dean but he doubted it would make him feel any better. Dean looked and sounded sad when he started talking, “Sam’s been through a lot and it’s not my place to tell you what those things were. I did hurt Sam and being with your soulmate is one of the ways I hurt Sam.” Dean paused and Adam knew he was thinking about how to word this, “Sam was hurt very badly. Some people were very cruel to him. I am sure you’ve seen some of his scars. He has to go to a doctor a couple times a year because of what happened.”

Adam sighed and rubbed his hands over his face and grumbled. “Thanks for telling me absolutely nothing.”

Dean smiled, “Our dad isn’t wealthy. The people responsible for hurting Sammy had to pay a settlement to Sam for damages. The wealth your mom is talking about is actually Sam’s wealth. Sam doesn’t care about expensive or new things. The money that Sam has is so he can go to the doctor and always have a place to live. I know you’ve noticed that Sam is different. I don’t know if he will be able to have a regular job like you and I. So this money has to last him his entire life. It’s not something he can throw around.”

Adam removed his hands from his face and said quietly, “Lisa always called Sam, the freak. Sometimes she would say stuff like she wished Sam was back in that basement. I.. I don’t know what she means by that.”

Dean looked away and said distantly, “Sam was locked in a basement for twelve years. They did unspeakable things to him. Lisa was trying to kidnap a kid to be human trafficked by the same people who had Sam. That kid would have been hurt like Sam.”

Adam’s eyes got wide and he was shocked. It made sense now sort of, in a weird way. “Oh…oh.” He said. Adam composed himself for a moment before realizing, “I am going to Hell because of my soulmate. I’ve never done anything to anyone.”

++

Sam just got finished with his doctor’s appointment. He had to get x-rays done today to check his bone density and they took some of his blood. He didn’t have the results for either of those tests yet. Sam asked about going off the hormones and he was told it was unwise. It all came back to his bones and his muscle mass.

He didn’t like the hormones. He didn’t like the shot every month but he was proud that he had managed to stop crying every time he got the shot. Sam was pretty sure he cried every month for at least the first year. The shot wasn’t the primary reason why he wanted to stop.

He didn’t like the way they made him feel. It was the sexual urges he didn’t like. It made him feel dirty. Sam had talked to Ash about it. Ash assured him he was doing nothing wrong and to talk to Dean about it so they could go slower or whatever. The thing was Sam didn’t want to go slower. He was fine with giving Dean what he needed. Sam just felt like one of the people who hurt him when he had to find his own sexual gratification. It scared him. He didn’t want to be like those people and he never wanted to treat Dean the way he was treated before.

Ash had told him that it wasn’t like that. He had told him that what he and Dean do together should be out of love. Sam understands that and he feels loved and wanted when Dean has sex with him. However, the only time they had anal sex was on their wedding night. He just doesn’t like the expectation that he is supposed to feel something more. Maybe he doesn’t make sense, even to himself. But he just doesn’t want to feel certain things and having an erection was not pleasant. It certainly wasn’t as amazing as Dean made it sound.

In the end, they gave him a shot at the doctor’s office. Sam wasn’t terribly surprised by this. He knew it wasn’t his choice, not really. Sometimes, he still felt like property. It wasn’t as much anymore but Sam knew John and Dean didn’t think he was able to decide things for himself like whether or not to get a hormone shot.

There was other stuff too. They did technically talk to him about where he would be living in California. Sam wanted to live on campus because that was what college students did and they had family housing for married couples. He just wanted to feel like everyone else. Dean opposed and that was that. Dean made a decision and the conversation was effectively over. They were renting a house nearby and they may buy a house in the area later on. Sam wasn’t angry about that though. He knew they were trying to take care of him. Sam knew it must be difficult to take care of someone as broken as him.

Sam was sitting on the sofa at Garth’s house when he heard a knock on the door. He opened it to see a pretty young woman. Sam smiled and said slowly, “Hi, can I help you?” Sam knew he didn’t say help right but he hoped she would understand.

The woman poked her head around and said shyly, “Umm. I was looking for Garth. I am Bessie. His soulmate.”

Sam turned to see Garth walking toward them. He stepped out of the way and heard Garth sarcastically ask, “Is it time for your semi-annual visit?” Sam frowned because Garth wasn’t being very nice to his soulmate.

Sam signed to Garth, “You should invite her in to talk.” He knew that he had managed to work things out with Dean so maybe Garth could work things out with Bessie.

Garth relented and said to Bessie, “Please come in and have a seat.” Garth motioned toward Sam and said tiredly, “This is Winnie.” Then he motioned toward John and said, “This John Winchester. He is Winnie’s dad.” Finally Garth motioned toward Bessie and said, “Guys, this is Bessie.”

Sam watched his dad hold out a hand and said firmly, “It is nice to meet you, Bessie.”

Bessie shook his hand and then released. She said a simple, “Thank you.” Then she held out her hand for Sam to shake. Sam shook his head no. He didn’t like shaking hands with people. Some people were cruel and liked to squeeze his hand so hard he thought it would break. Sam needed his hands for talking so he didn’t shake hands. Ash said it was okay to decline.

Bessie slowly pulled her hand away from Sam and sat down on the sofa. Garth sat next to her and Sam sat down next to his dad on the smaller sofa. Garth asked awkwardly, “How have you been, Bessie?”

Sam noticed Bessie was staring at him so he ducked his head. Bessie sounded a little nervous when she replied, “Good, I guess. Work is going well… You’re the person, I failed by not listening to my soulmate.”

Sam looked up at that and her eyes were focused on him. Garth signed, “She’s harmless.” Then he answered her with a small about of anger, “Yes, he is. We’ve been through this.”

Bessie nodded and said quietly, “I know, Garth but I still feel bad. I want you to be in my life and I want to come around more than once every six months.”

Garth ran his hands through his hair and stated firmly, “What is stopping you from visiting me? What stopped you from visiting me in the mental hospital? Or when the trial was going on? Or any other time in my life when having my soulmate around might have been helpful?”

Sam signed because Castiel taught him that most people don’t know what he was saying when he signed. “Maybe you should give her a chance. Dean was bad to me but he got better.”

Garth signed back as Bessie watched their exchange, “Yes, but she hurt you. I can’t forgive that.”

Sam frowned and signed, “What if I forgive her? I forgave Azazel. I can forgive her.”

Garth leaned back and signed, “She doesn’t understand the meaning of the word forgiveness. She left me locked in that place and she never cared about you.”

Sam signed, “She didn’t know I was real. I don’t feel real half the time anyways. You can’t blame her for that. At least she cared enough to visit you and stay faithful to you. Not even my soulmate stayed faithful to me.” He hoped he was getting through to Garth but he had his doubts.

Bessie sighed loudly and asked with agitation, “Are you talking about me? If you have something to say to me you can say it to my face.”

Sam glance up and smiled. He stated carefully and hoped he pronounced everything right, “I’m sorry. I was talking to Garth about how I forgive you for not listening to him. I don’t blame you for what happened to me. But Garth was asking me if he should ask you to come over for dinner once a week?”

Sam thought his half-lie was pretty smooth. He did, honestly, forgive Bessie. There were other people more directly involved in what happened to him to blame. However, Sam had forgiven those people a long time ago. He knew he couldn’t move past what happened without forgiving them. He thought it was only right to forgive Bessie.

John tapped Sam on the shoulder and signed, “Where did you learn how to lie like that?”

Sam shrugged and signed, “Dean.” 


	65. Chapter 65

Sam started packing his room at his dad’s house. He had an uneasy feeling about leaving this place because what if the house in California was like the basement? He didn’t want to go back to that place. He fidgeted for a moment and then he felt really scared. It wasn’t something he let himself feel a lot anymore. Sam started to cry because he didn’t know what else to do. This would be the first big change since he left that place.

Ben wandered into the room and plopped down on Sam’s lap. Sam drew his arm around Ben as he tried to stop his crying. Ben clumsily wiped away Sam’s tears and said, “Don’t cry, Uncle Sammy. I make it all better.” Ben had to stretch to reach Sam’s forehead. He gave Sam a kiss and declared, “All better.” He sat back down on Sam’s lap and rested his head on Sam’s shoulder.

Sam took a steading breath and tried to calm down and tell himself it would be okay. It was just change. He knew from his books that change was part of growing up. Sam just wasn’t sure he could handle this much change. He whispered to Ben, “I’m okay.”

Ben looked up at Sam and pouted, “Uncle Sammy telling lies is bad. Daddy said so. Daddy put me in timeout. Uncle Sammy need timeout.”

Sam closed his eyes and shook his head no. He said in an unsteady voice, “I am okay, Ben. Don’t worry about me.”

Ben hugged Sam tightly and said, “I loves Uncle Sammy. I wish Uncle Sammy was my daddy.”

Sam stared at the top of Ben’s head because Sam knew he would never be anyone’s father. He would never get the chance to have a child made of his blood. Sam knew that he was Ben’s step-father, but he read about step-parenting. It sounded awful. Sam wondered if maybe someday, Lisa would give up her rights so he could adopt Ben. He doubted Lisa would do that but it would make him happy.

Sam looked to see Dean entering the room. Dean sat down next to them and put his arm around Sam. He let Dean kiss him on the side of his face as he tried to calm down. Dean wiped away his tears just as Ben had. After a few minutes Dean said, “Hey little man, why don’t you go change into your swim trunks and a t-shirt? Castiel and Gabriel are going to watch you while I take your uncle on a date.”

Ben removed himself from Sam’s lap and stood up. He stretched and said happily, “I get candy today!” Sam couldn’t help but smile because he knew Gabriel was going to sugar Ben up.

After Ben left the room Dean said quietly, “You are an amazing father to Ben. You know that, right?”

Sam shook his head no and looked out his window. It was a clear day and there weren’t very many clouds he could see from his window.

Dean gently rubbed Sam’s back and asked, “What is bothering you? I know you’re upset and scared. I can feel it.”

Sam signed, “I am just scared about moving. I’m moving into someplace I’ve never seen. I am afraid it will be like when I was with Azazel. Here with Dad and you is the only good place I have ever known.” Sam knew that sounded pathetic but it was the truth.

Dean hummed for a moment then he said quietly, “Can I let you in on a little secret?” Sam nodded his head yes and Dean continued. “I’ve always lived with Dad. I moved here with Dad after the fire. I grew up here. I had slumber parties here. I learned how to read here. I kissed my first gir.… I did a lot of things here and I am going to miss it here. It is normal to feel what you’re feeling Sam. There is nothing different about the way you are feeling. I am terrified about being so far away from Dad and on my own. He’s always had my back but we have to grow up. I can’t think of a better way to grow up than getting to watch you go to college.”

Sam nodded and said carefully, “It is just scary.”

Dean smiled and said, “We’ll be fine and we can come home anytime. Now, I planned a nice date for us. Would you like to come with me?”

Sam smiled and gave Dean a small kiss. “Yes, Dean.”

++  
Castiel was fairly certain that most people would stop their husband from doing what his husband was doing. However, he wasn’t because his husband was Gabriel. Not only had Gabriel already given Ben a soda and Pop Rocks because Pop Rocks were more fun with soda, but now they were getting ready to build something.

Castiel knew he should have known something was up when Gabriel bought over twenty boxes of instant mashed potatoes. They weren’t the little boxes either. These were the biggest boxes in the store. Castiel wasn’t sure how many packages of brown gravy Gabriel bought. He was impressed that they were actually following the directions to make the mashed potatoes.

He watched them carry the buckets of mashed potatoes outside and against Castiel’s better judgement he decided to see what it was they were doing. Outside he saw a plastic sheet on the ground. The mashed potatoes were dumped on the ground and it looked like they were building a castle. There were open cans of diet soda at different points where they were building up the potatoes around. Castiel hoped the cans were empty and were only being used for stability. However, this was Gabriel so Castiel had no idea.

Ben was busy craving out what Castiel thought was going to be a moat when Ben said, “Gabe, who is my soulmate?”

Gabriel stopped his sculpting of the main building and shrugged, “I don’t know, kiddo. But I will tell you this, I am sure that person loves you very much.”

Ben stopped and looked at Gabriel as he rubbed some of the mashed potatoes in his hair. Castiel wondered if they had children’s shampoo at their house. He thought they might have some baby shampoo left over from the last time Becky was there. Michael kept their house stocked with things for Becky since his father beat Becky about once a month. She would go to them and stay for a few days to a few weeks. Then she would always go back. It was a cycle that they were all powerless to stop.

Once Ben’s hair was covered in enough potatoes to make a potato crown, Ben said, “Uncle Adam doesn’t love Mommy. Mommy loves Daddy but Daddy loves Uncle Sammy.”

Gabriel glanced at Castiel and Castiel just shrugged. The Winchesters and soulmates did not go together well. They could probably have their own soap opera. Gabriel reached forward and fixed Ben’s hair into a mashed potato Mohawk.  Then Gabriel said carefully, “Love isn’t automatic with soulmates. Love takes work and patience. You know how you love your daddy but sometimes he makes you mad?”

Ben nodded and said, “Uncle Sammy make it better.” He kicked his feet when he said that and destroyed part of the moat. Castiel was pretty sure this castle was not going to win any award so that was okay. He was surprised to hear that it was Sam that smoothed things over between Ben and Dean. He would have thought it was John. Castiel knew no one gave Sam enough credit for what he was able to do.

Gabriel grinned and said quietly, “Yes well, not everyone is lucky enough to have Sammy. Some people have to work out their issues together.”

Ben nodded and said with more focus than a three year old should have, “Uncle Sammy can fix Mommy.” Castiel seriously doubted Sam could fix Lisa. Maybe Sam could get Lisa to understand that Dean was his but that was about it. Lisa needed help.

They focused back on building their creation. They built and rebuilt pieces for over two hours. The moat was filled gravy. There were over a dozen places on the castle where a soda can was hidden by potatoes. It took a lot of patience for them to get this point. Castiel knew Gabriel wanted to be a father and Castiel wanted to help in along with that. Because Gabriel was twenty-two, they could start taking parenting courses to be considered as possible adoptive parents. Castiel knew the process took years to find a good match, so he wasn’t very concerned about becoming a parent. He just wanted to start the process of making Gabriel happy.

When the creation was finished Gabriel pulled out a package of Mentos. He cut each Mento in half and gave the halves to Ben. Then Castiel watched as Ben put the Mentos in the cans of soda and the soda began to overflow. Ben was excited and jumping up and down. The child was practically covered in mashed potatoes at this point. Gabriel was as well but neither of them seemed to care.

Once the fizzing from the soda died down, Castiel looked under his chair for his book he was reading. It was then that he got it hit in the face with a gob of mashed potato. He could hear Ben and Gabriel laughing. Castiel knew he was in for a long day.

++

John was playing cards at Bobby’s house. It was male bonding time or something. He wasn’t really sure. There weren’t many people there just the guys from the shop, Bobby, and Michael and Joseph Novak. They were talking about different things as they played poker. John was winning but he was counting cards. He knew he should probably stop and just enjoy the game. However, they weren’t playing for money so he wasn’t hurting anyone.

Michael asked on the fourth deal, “So John, how are you feeling about being an empty nester soon?”

John shrugged and was unsure when he said, “I don’t know, honestly. I have my doubts Sam is going to be able to make it. It was taken a lot of work just to keep him from being institutionalized. I.. I don’t want to put him in a place like that.”

Joseph frowned and sat down his cards, “John, I know you’re not asking for my opinion but Sam has never needed an institution. Even when I first met him, he didn’t need a place like that. He needed what you gave him. He needed love, acceptance, and stability. Sam is a very strong and capable young man. Don’t sell him short because he’s not like Dean.”

Bobby snorted and laughed, “Those boys are something else. Did you figure out where they are going to live in California?”

John nodded and said slowly, “Yes, Dean and I decided it would be best to rent a house. Sam should do better there.”

Michael glanced at Joseph and then back to John. He asked carefully, “What does Sam think about that?”

John shrugged, “He seemed uneasy with the idea and he wanted to live on campus in family housing. We had to rent the place unseen so hopefully it is okay for him. The stuff with Lisa kept us from being able to go out there again.”

Michael closed his eyes and said carefully, “Joseph and I had similar problems with Castiel. He is the baby of the family so we assumed we knew what was best for him and didn’t listen to him. It made him rebellious in some things but more often he just passively watches. Castiel was never given the chance to make mistakes. Sam has never been given the chance to make mistakes. There isn’t any harm in Sam picking out where he will be living while in college or at the very least making it a joint decision between him and Dean.”

Joseph chimed in, “Gabriel will make choices for Castiel and completely disregard Castiel’s feelings sometimes. They always managed to make up but it did cause some growing pains like when Gabriel announced he was moving to the city to work and that was where Castiel was going to college. I could tell Castiel was hurt by that, but he went along with it because he loves Gabriel.”

John fidgeted with his cards, “It wasn’t like that with my boys. Sam got accepted to two different law schools. Dean picked the one that Sam is going to.”

Michael stated flatly, “And Dean decided where they will be living. Let Sam pick out the furniture. That is what we’re doing to smooth things over with Castiel. That way at least, Castiel feels like he has some control.”

Bobby hummed thoughtfully, “I think all the boys will be alright.”

++

Their date was an hour and half drive away. They went to a space museum and while that wouldn’t seem amazing to most people, it was captivating to Sam. He loved the stars and space. Sam read every sign in the place and Dean held his hand most of the time. He felt loved.

They even got to go into this room that was rounded like that sky. Sam had never seen a rounded room like that before. The rounded room lit up like the night sky and Sam listened as they explained the different constellations. Dean wasn’t looking at the ceiling. He was looking at Sam most of the time. Sam didn’t understand why. There was so much to learn but Dean felt content so it was okay.

When they arrived at the Novak house, they wandered around to the backyard where they heard laughter. There were mashed potatoes everywhere. Castiel looked grumpy and Gabriel looked happy. Sam felt his heart stop for a moment. Gabriel had the hose and he was spraying Ben off with it. Ben was laughing.

However, it reminded Sam of that place and how Azazel would bathe him. He didn’t want Ben treated like that. He had to make sure Ben was really okay. Sam rushed over to Ben and pulled him in his arms. He was wet and there was still a layer of instant potatoes on him but Sam didn’t care. He moved his hand through Ben’s hair and shook off the mashed potatoes that stuck to his hand. He wanted to cry because his nephew was dirty. Someone threw stuff at him.

Gabriel gave Dean a concerned look and Dean signed, “Azazel washed him with the hose attachment in the shower with scolding hot water. He’s probably just making sure Ben is okay. At least, he’s not having a panic attack.”

Gabriel frowned and dropped the hose. He signed, “Sorry.”

Dean shook his head no and replied, “Ben had fun and that is what counts. What did you guys do anyways?”

Castiel, who somehow managed to look grumpier than he did a minute ago, said crankily, “They built a mashed potato castle. Then they had a mashed potato fight with me as their unarmed target. Ben was covered in mashed potatoes before the fight started. We were trying to get cleaned up before you guys got back.”


	66. Chapter 66

Sam listened from the other room as Dean, Bobby, and his dad argued about travel arrangements for the move to California. Dean didn’t want Ben getting on an airplane because it was dangerous. Neither Dean nor his dad thought he could handle a road trip that long. They thought that staying in motels would stress him because of the beds which was true. The beds did make him uneasy. Sam knew though that was long as they had space on the floor to sleep he would be okay, but no one asked him.

Their dad thought someone should just fly out to California with Sam. Apparently, he couldn’t be trusted to navigate an airport by himself either. This way he would avoid the issues with a road trip. Dean wanted to give him medication to take on the road trip to keep him calm. Sam was a little hurt to hear his soulmate wanted to drug him. He didn’t think that he was that big of a burden but he knew from hearing their voices and their tones that he was a burden. Sam was starting to realize that he should have never tried to go to college. It was a waste anyways with as broken as he will always be.

Bobby did try to defend him. Bobby thought that the idea of drugging him was a horrible idea which Sam was thankful for. He didn’t want to be drugged and moved around to different places. He didn’t have any good memories of being drugged. The times that his dad and Dean drugged him so he would go to sleep still scares him sometimes. Sometimes, he still shakes when he gets a drink before bed because of the memories of that.

Sam stared at the ceiling as the listened to the argument escalate. He knew he couldn’t keep doing this. He disrupted their lives. Sam had to stop being a burden. He took a slow breath and got up. He walked out into the living room where the argument was taking place. Everything went silent when he entered the room.

Dean spoke first with uncertainty, “Sammy, I thought you were asleep.”

Sam frowned and forced himself to speak. He wouldn’t be broken for this. He could be like everyone else or at least that was what he told himself. “No, I heard everything everyone said. I.. I am sorry I am not what you want me to be. But I am capable of making my own choices.”

Bobby smugly said, “I told you idjits to ask him.”

Sam glanced at Bobby and said carefully, “Thank you, Bobby.” He paused and tried to figure out what to say. He decided to address Dean first. “It scares me that you would want to drug me. I remember you and Dad drugging me when I was younger. It made me afraid to go to sleep or eat anything you gave me. I.. I thought you were going to hurt me. I don’t understand. If I am so broken that you have to drug me without.. without talking to me about it, why am I here? I shouldn’t be. I should be in that place the family doctor always talks about sending me. At least then, I would be out of everyone’s way.”

Sam felt pain from Dean. He knew it was emotional pain and that meant he must have hurt Dean’s feelings. “Sammy, do you want to go to an institution? I’ve.. I’ve read about it. They would have a lot of things to keep your mind active and you would have structure. It shouldn’t be too scary. It could be good for you.”

Sam glanced at their dad who was being oddly silent. Sam turned his attention back to Dean. He spoke carefully because he wanted to make sure he got his words right. “No, I don’t want to go there. I never want to go to a place like that. I want to be like everyone else. I think.. I think I do okay. I do need help with somethings but that is because I’ve never done those things before. I know I am different and I am sorry I am not what you want in a soulmate. I try and that is all I can do. I know that nothing I say will matter. If you want to put me in that place you will.”

Dean sighed and took a step toward Sam. Sam knew Dean wanted to touch him to offer comfort. Sam took a step away from Dean. Dean stopped and stared at Sam. He said bluntly, “You’re hurting me right now, Sammy, and you’re angry. I can feel it. You can’t function on your own, Sammy. That is why we have to make these choices for you. I’m sorry if you don’t like it but that is just the way things are. I am not going to put you in an institution. I think we can still go to California so you can go to college, but Dad and I have to figure out the best way to do it.”

Sam nodded and wiped away a couple tears. He shook his head and said quietly, “Just forget it.” Then he walked back to him room and closed the door. He did something he hadn’t done in a long time. He locked Dean out of the room. Sam didn’t feel like Dean loved him or respected him and that broke Sam’s heart. He thought he finally had something with Dean but he was wrong.

++

Bobby turned and looked sharply at the two Winchesters. He snapped at them, “Would it have killed you two listen to him and let him make the decision with you?” Bobby saw that Dean had his hand over his chest and he looked to be in pain. He added for Dean’s benefit, “Whatever it is you’re feeling from Sam right now you deserve.”

Dean fell back on the sofa and gasped then he said, “Bobby, he freaked out when Gabriel was spraying Ben off with the hose after a mashed potato fight. That’s not normal.”

Bobby leveled his gaze with Dean and said sharply, “So what? Your daddy used to freak out when you rode your bicycle without training wheels.”

John rebutted, “Bobby, what Dean is trying to say is Sammy has trouble functioning. We have to make major decisions for him and this is one of them. Sam won’t sleep on a bed and that makes things difficult.”

Bobby nodded and stated, “But he does sleep. Did it ever occur to either of you to rent cabins on the road trip? Sam and Dean could sleep out in the living room on the floor and that would solve the whole bed issue.”

Dean sighed and added, “Sammy doesn’t talk a lot and he doesn’t always answer people when they talk to him. How will people react to that when we are passing through town?”

Bobby pinched the bridge of his nose. He had no idea how many people he ignored when traveling just for the sake of not wanting to get into a conversation. He had seen both John and Dean do it on trips before. Bobby didn’t understand why it was suddenly not okay for Sam to do that. He spoke carefully, “But Sammy is talking now. Do you have any idea how hard it probably was for him to use his voice to say everything he just said instead of signing? This stuff isn’t easy for him but he is trying so maybe instead of pointing out what he isn’t doing you should look at what he is able to do.”

Dean asked crankily, “Okay Bobby, what is Sammy able to do?”

Bobby let out a slow breath and stated, “Sam is able to get your son up in the morning, fed, and to day care. He drives your son to daycare by himself. He checks your son into daycare without anyone helping him. He reads your son a story every night before bed. Sam goes to the library on Thursday evening by himself while you are watching crap television. He checks out a new book to read every week and he stops at the grocery store on the way home to buy to a piece of pie. On Sunday mornings while you are still getting your beauty sleep, Sam takes Ben to a reading group at the library. Then he takes Ben out for donuts and juice. They always bring you back a donut. Did you know he does that, Dean?”

John said tiredly, “Bobby, I know he does that stuff and I check on him when he does those things. I just want to make sure everything is okay. I always check his wallet to make sure he has money. He always does. He asks me for money and tells me what he wants to use it on. Sam is responsible. I.. I think you’re right. We should have been listening to Sam. I’m sorry, Bobby.”

Bobby glared at them and said sharply, “I am not the one you need to apologize to.”

++

Dean slept on the sofa because Sam wouldn’t let him into their room. He knocked once but got no response. He said apologies through the door. Sam didn’t open up for him but he did feel that his apologies hurt Sam more. Dean didn’t know how that was possible.

Dean felt like an ass after talking to Bobby. He had assumed that Bobby came over and helped with Ben in the mornings. Sometimes, Dean left to go to the shop before the daycare opened so he didn’t really know what went on. On Thursdays, Dean was tired and just wanted to watch TV. He thought Sam was hanging out with Gabriel and Castiel. He thought the pie was Gabriel’s idea. Dean knew about the Sunday library visit from Ben and he never thought much about Sam getting breakfast with Ben every Sunday. It was more than what he did with Ben on weekly basis. No wonder Ben liked Sam more.

Sam looked tired when he got up in the morning. Dean doubted that Sam had slept at all. He thought about taking Ben to daycare but he thought better of it. He didn’t want Sam to feel like he was taking something away from him. Dean washed the dishes from breakfast while Sam took Ben to daycare. Dean honestly wasn’t sure what Sam did all day while he was at work. Their dad wasn’t home either.

Sam arrived back home a short time later and Dean saw that Sam was sitting on the floor of their room drawing. Well, he was drawing dark lines on a piece of paper while trying not to cry. Dean sat off to the side and didn’t say anything. He just watched. Sam was hurting and it was his fault. Their dad showed up a short time later. Dean knew he was going to check on everything at the shop and come home to talk with Sam.

John sat down on Sam’s bed and was the first one to speak. “Sammy, your brother and I owe you an apology. We never should have started making travel plans without talking with you and getting your input.”

Sam had his back turned to them and he did slow the movement of drawing thick dark lines on the paper. He didn’t respond to John. That worried Dean. Carefully Dean said, “I am sorry, Sammy. Uncle Bobby pointed out everything that you do and I think I just take it for granted. I’m sorry, really I am. You take great care of Ben. You go out on your own and everything.” Dean knew Sam shouldn’t have had that dumped on him the moment he graduated high school. Ben was not Sam’s responsibility. Ben was his responsibility. Sheepishly Dean added, “I’m sorry, Sammy. I do love you.”

Sam continued drawing lines on the paper when John asked, “Sammy, how do you want to get California?” Sam tensed but didn’t otherwise respond. Dean heard his father take a deep breath and plead, “Please Sammy, talk to me.”

Sam stopped drawing and he turned around. Sam’s eyes were rimmed with red. Dean was expecting that. He wasn’t expecting to see scratches on Sam’s arms. They were hidden from his view when Sam was drawing. Dean doubted Sam meant to hurt himself. He knew Sam was probably just grabbing onto his arms in an attempt to calm himself and that happened.

Sam signed, “I don’t want to go to California anymore. I don’t want to get drugged to get there and I don’t want to live in fear of Dean drugging me anytime I become inconvenient for him. I don’t know why I even try. Nothing is ever enough. I’ve tried so hard to be normal. That is what I wanted. I wanted to be like everyone else. I wanted to have a normal life and not be what I am.” Sam was nearly sobbing by the end.

John spoke up and said firmly, “Sammy, Dean has to get a prescription to get the medication to put you to sleep like that. You’re responsible for your own medical choices. He can’t get that medication without your approval. You don’t have to worry about getting drugged by Dean. He won’t do that to you. Would you rather fly to California?”

Sam stared out the window for a moment and wiped away his tears. Then he signed, “Okay, I am able to make choices regarding my medical care. I want to stop getting the shots. I don’t like the way they make me feel. I read that it won’t hurt me to go off of it and I can restart anytime.”

Dean felt like he had been punched in the gut, because he knew without hormones Sam wouldn’t have a sex drive. He knew it was minor but he wanted that sort of relationship with Sam. Sam was the only person he could have relationship with. Dean didn’t mean to say in front of his father, “That’s fine Sam. I can just go back to jacking off to porn.”

Sam glared at him and signed, “I never said I wouldn’t have sex with you. I just don’t like the feeling of arousal. It does make me happy to do those things with you.”

Dean knew Sam probably didn’t know not to talk to their dad about this sort of thing. John cleared his throat and said in a soothing voice, “Okay, you don’t have to get the shots anymore. It is your body. I am sorry if you feel like we forced that on you.” He paused, “Are you serious about not wanting to go to Stanford or are you just angry?”

Sam stared at the floor for a few minutes. It seemed like about an hour to Dean. Then Sam signed, “I am angry and I feel betrayed. I’m sorry for getting mad. I know I shouldn’t feel that way. I know you can do whatever you want with me.”

John glanced at Dean and turned his attention back to Sam. He kept a soothing tone. “You don’t need to apologize, Sammy. You have every right to be angry. I want you to think about how you want to travel to California and let me know. Bobby suggested that we rent cabins along the way. That way you and Dean can sleep in the living room. You won’t have to worry about the bed issue or we could fly. The shorter trip might be easier for you to handle. You won’t get drugged either way, I promise.”

Sam nodded and went back to drawing lines on the paper. Dean knew Sam was still mad and he knew Sam was mostly mad at him. 


	67. Chapter 67

Garth never really had a need to cook anything fancy. When the entire Winchester family was at his house, he ordered something out. It was easier. When it was just Winnie, he could manage. Winnie wasn’t picky and he seemed to be perfectly happy eating a salad. Cobb salad without the cheese was Winnie’s favorite. Garth knew he had to boil the eggs for the salad before Winnie’s visit. The boiling water scared Winnie.

He frowned when he realized he had no idea what to fix his wife and soulmate. Truth be told, they had never shared a meal together. They never shared much except for a few sentences and signing marriage paperwork within the walls of a mental institution. They never even kissed. He didn’t know anything about her except that she didn’t care about him. Sometimes, Garth tried to tell himself that she did the best she could but she should have listened to him. If not for his sake, then for Winnie’s sake.

Garth never said it but one of the reasons why he stocked shelved at night at the grocery store was so Bessie could never say he couldn’t function. That was the same reason why he cleaned his house from head to toe on one of his off days. He never wanted anyone to be able to take away his freedom again. After buying his home and a reliable car, Garth never touched the settlement money he received.  

Garth took a deep breath and knew he had to show Bessie that he was capable of making a nice meal. He didn’t want to give Bessie any reason to think he wasn’t capable. Garth knew he was at a disadvantage. He knew his social skills were lacking. He decided to make a simple meal of baked chicken, mashed potatoes, and peas. Garth made a boxed cake for dessert. It was chocolate because his co-workers said that girls love chocolate. He fidgeted with the napkins on the table before Bessie’s arrival. He had gotten cloth napkins because that was more elegant and it was environmentally conscious. Winnie always talked about being a good steward to the Earth.

Just when Garth was thinking about calling the whole thing off, he heard a knock on his front door. He made his way over and opened it. Bessie smiled and held out a bottle of wine. She said with uncertainty, “Hi Garth, I wasn’t sure if I should bring anything so I picked up some wine on the way.”

Garth took the bottle and nodded. He hated that this was already going poorly. He spoke nervously, “Um thanks, but I don’t drink. I… I can pour you a glass though. Please come in.” After spending years in a mental hospital which including AA meetings, Garth couldn’t bring himself to drink. He heard too many horror stories and with his past forced drug addiction he didn’t want to chance anything. Therefore, he stayed away from alcohol.

Garth led Bessie to his small dining room next to the kitchen. He didn’t buy a huge house when he got the settlement money from her family. It was just a small house in a quiet neighborhood so he could live out his remaining days in peace. He gently pushed in Bessie’s chair for her as she sat down. He had read that was proper etiquette. 

Garth poured her a glass of wine as promised and then he served dinner. He sat down and they started to eat in silence. It was uncomfortable and Garth could feel that Bessie was uncomfortable. Bessie picked at her food and said politely, “This is really good, Garth. Where did you learn how to cook?”

Garth cleared his throat and was nervous. He said, “I.. ah.. I had help. I work at a grocery store so my co-workers helped me learn how to make basic meals. I guess they got tired of seeing me live off of sandwiches. Dean and John Winchester have helped me learn some cooking, but that was mostly breakfast stuff.”

Bessie nodded and she looked sad. She said quietly, “I learned how to cook from my mother. My favorite was helping out with Sunday meals. I always enjoyed cooking with my mother growing up. It took my mind off other things.”

Garth didn’t say anything to that. He didn’t have great childhood memories. There were somethings before he was kidnapped. But all those things he did with his parents just seemed like a lie to him now. Garth didn’t feel like sharing those memories.

Silence fell between them again and then Bessie asked, “Garth, what was it like?”

Garth took a deep breath and asked, “What was what like?”

Bessie shifted in her seat and said nervously, “I know about Azazel and how you were sold to drug dealers or whatever. I read your story in the court documents. It was painful to read and I.. I cried for you. I am sorry that happened to you. However, I was wondering what the mental hospital was like.”

Garth pushed his plate away. He didn’t like to think of that place. He looked off at one of the framed pieces of Winnie’s art. It helped to center him. He said carefully, “I don’t know if it was better or worse than before to be honest. If I told them the truth, they thought I was delusional. They drugged me and strapped me down to my bed when I talked about Winnie or what really happened. They also had this thing that they put on my head to shock me. It was supposed to reset the pathways in my brain or something. It hurt but it didn’t hurt as much as when Azazel would electrocute me.

“I didn’t have enough experience in the world to come up with a convincing lie so I never lied. The only thing that kept me from giving up and ending everything was Winnie. I feel like I missed out on getting to be a teenager. I never got to go do stupid stuff. I had drug rehab, therapy, and a diagnosis for a mental illness I didn’t have. They wanted me to explain why I have these scars on my body. They thought I did it to myself. Nothing I said could convince them otherwise. I felt like I didn’t have a voice and sometimes I wondered if I really was insane.”

Bessie took a deep breath and whispered out, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know they were hurting you. I felt pain from you but I thought you were just sick.”

Garth sighed and said calmly, “Getting out of that place was hard too. I was so used to my life being controlled. I had been told when to eat, sleep, shower, everything for years. Suddenly having to do it on my own was a bit overwhelming. It took me about a month to get off of all the drugs they put me on. I felt like my mind wasn’t behind a haze anymore.”

Bessie swirled around her wine and it reminded Garth of Azazel’s boss. He couldn’t remember her name and she had only came by once. She was sadistic. She tortured both him and Winnie. She would swirl her wine around while she thought about what to do to them next. She was evil. Bessie pulled Garth from his thoughts when she asked, “Can I ask what your first good memory out of that place that doesn’t involve Winnie?”

Garth thought and then a smile ghosted across his face. He spoke fondly, “I hadn’t seen the stars since I was about nine. In the hospital, the closed the curtains once the sun went down so I couldn’t see out. The trees blocked the view anyways. I had forgotten what it looked like. I remember standing outside my apartment building and just staring. I felt free.” He laughed, “I probably did look crazy then.”

Bessie frowned and said softly, “I don’t think you’re crazy, Garth. I am sorry I wasn’t there to help you.”

++

Dean had been getting the silent treatment from Sam. He couldn’t get near Sam without Sam flinching away and the sofa was becoming his official bed. He did make an effort to spend more time with Ben and Sam. Dean cooked them both breakfast for the past two days and he sat with Sam while Sam read Ben a story. Dean didn’t want to infringe on story time. He knew the story wasn’t just for Ben’s benefit. It was also to help Sam learn how to talk.

He didn’t know how to make it up to Sam. He knew from talking with Pam that his solution of medication was probably what set Sam off. Medication didn’t seem like a big deal to Dean because he used it when he took a flight. Of course, when he thought about it, Sam didn’t like drugs. Sam wouldn’t even take something for a headache. He would rather suffer through it.

Dean was setting up his bed on the sofa when Sam walked in the living room. He watched Sam sign, “Are you.. Will you hold me tonight?”

Dean knew he couldn’t refuse Sam’s request. He went back to their room and he laid down on the floor with Sam after he turned off the lights. He wrapped his arm around Sam and held his soulmate close. Dean felt complete but he could still feel Sam’s hurt. Dean whispered to Sam, “I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me. I promise that I won’t ever make you take anything you don’t want.”

Dean felt Sam moved his hand over his and they laced their fingers together. He felt comforted by being able to hear Sam’s breathing. Sometimes when he listened to Sam’s breathing he wondered what Sam would look like and what he would be like if they grew up together. He wondered what Sam’s body would look like without scars and burns. He wondered if Sam would still like art and be a giant a nerd. He wondered if Sam would have taken an interest in sports or if he still would have spent his days gazing at the sky. He wondered a lot of things for which he would never know the answer.

He was just about to let the thoughts of what if leave his mind when he heard Sam say. “Sometimes I wonder too.”

Dean let out a slow breath and said the first reassuring thing he could think of. “You’re perfect the way you are, Sammy.”

Dean felt Sam shake his head no and he said quietly, “Please don’t lie to me.”

Dean pulled back from Sam and asked carefully, “Why did you want me to come in here with you and how do you know what I am thinking?”

Sam turned around so they could look at each other. He could still make out Sam’s face in the darkened room. Sam spoke carefully, “I wanted to feel like everything was okay.” Sam sat up and turned on the nearby lamp. Then he signed, “I can’t read your mind, Dean. I spent my entire childhood relishing in what you’re feeling and what those didn’t feelings meant. I didn’t know what everything meant at the time and I still don’t know. However, as I got to know you, I’ve found that I can tell where your mind is at by what you’re feeling. I’m sorry if that bothers you. You were just the only thing I had for a really long time.”

Dean sat up and gave Sam a kiss on the lips. Sam returned the kiss. He whispered to Sam. “So you know I’ll never intentionally hurt you. You know I’m not lying to you right now.” He gave Sam another kiss which was returned. “Can I show you how much you mean to me?”

Sam closed his eyes and Dean could feel uncertainty from Sam. After a couple moments Sam nodded his head yes. He removed his shirt and folded his hands in his lap.

Dean ran his fingertips over some of the scars on Sam’s chest. As much as he hated what the scars represented he loved tracing them with his fingers. He liked the feel on his fingertips. He touched Sam while he waited for Sam to relax. He always had to go slow with Sam if he wanted Sam to feel anything. Dean knew Sam could completely zone him out if he wanted to. He kissed on the side of Sam’s neck and Dean knew what he wanted to do tonight. It was just a matter of if Sam was on board.

He asked in between kisses, “Sammy, can I fuck you?”

Sam tensed and it felt like Sam’s heart stopped beating for a moment. Then Sam said a quiet, “No.”  

Dean pulled back and rested his head against Sam’s forehead. He whispered, “Sorry, I scared you. What do you want to do?”

Sam fidgeted and then he signed, “I want to make you happy but I don’t want you to do that to me. I don’t want to feel pain tonight. How can I please you?”

Dean closed his eyes and he knew he had to make the right choice, whatever that was. He picked up Sam’s shirt off the floor and helped him put it back on. He said softly, “It will please me if my baby brother forgives me and lets me sleep in the same room as him tonight.”

Sam nodded and said, “Okay.”

Dean grinned and he reached to turn off the light so they could go to sleep. He stopped and asked, “Did you decide how we are traveling to California?”

Sam smiled and he said, “Driving.”

Dean really hoped that trip went smoothly. 


	68. Chapter 68

For better or for worse it was moving day. They honestly didn’t have a lot to move with them. They were buying a lot of things once they made it to California. It was mostly clothes, books, and other personal effects. Dean did pack up the blankets and pillows they used for their nest because he thought Sam would prefer the familiar items.

One of his dad’s employees, Mike, was going to look over the shop and salvage yard while they were gone. They were taking two cars to California. Sam’s car and Dean’s car. At the start of the trip, Sam was feeling overwhelmed so he was in the passenger seat of his car with their dad driving. Dean had Ben strapped securely in his car seat in the backseat of the Impala. The Impala was Dean’s car. It was a classic. He had helped rebuild it. The Impala was his second baby or maybe his third baby. Dean hadn’t decided if Sam was his baby too. Somehow calling Sammy anything but his name just didn’t feel right to Dean. Bobby was riding shotgun with Dean.

The trip started out okay with Ben drifting off fairly quickly. It was still early so Dean was expecting Ben to go to sleep. That was when Bobby started in on him in hushed tones. “Dean, you’re not going to hurt him, are you?”

Dean adjusted his grip on the steering wheel. He glanced back at Ben to make sure he was asleep. Then he answered Bobby, “No, I am not. I just don’t want Sam to aim so high that he fails. I mean, what if I die and you and Dad aren’t there for him? Then what? What is going to happen to Sam? He’s going to end up in an institution. All roads lead to that for Sam because he’s not okay.”

Bobby sighed and snapped, “If you die so does he. I would be more concerned about who is going to care for your son in the event of your untimely death. In the event, Sam did live and your daddy and I had already passed, I have no doubt Garth would take Sam in. He loves that kid. He went through Hell to try to save Sam and he has stayed active in Sam’s life.”

Dean snorted and added, “You’re right. Garth would take care of Sammy.” Dean thought for a moment. He really hadn’t considered what would happen to Ben if he died. Lisa was in jail and it was doubtful she would be allowed around children at all if and when she was released. As it was right now, Lisa had lost visitation rights with Ben and Dean declined child support. It wasn’t like he could get child support from her right now anyways. The reason he declined was because he wanted to care for Ben himself without her help. He knew that really didn’t make sense because the only reason he didn’t need her help was because of Sam. Sam made it so money wasn’t a real worry.

 The only thing he had done in regard to Ben was he filed a request to change Ben’s last name from Braeden to Winchester. Lisa was fighting him on it and the court date was set for that for a few months out because they had to go to mediation first. So far Dean had trouble finding a mediator that would meet with them at the county jail in Wisconsin. His lawyer had told him that the judge would likely grant an exception on that because of the circumstances. Dean hoped that was true.

Dean hadn’t heard a word from Lisa’s parents since he gained custody of Ben. He had expected them to ask to see their grandson which he didn’t have an issue with. Dean wanted Ben to know them because he knew that Lisa’s parents were decent people. It wasn’t their fault Lisa turned out the way she did. He wanted Ben to have a sense of family and he wanted Ben to know both sides of his family. He didn’t want the undeclared Cold War that went on between the Winchester and Campbell families to happen with the Winchester and Braeden families. Dean knew he was never going to speak to Mary’s parents again, not after the way Samuel treated Sammy.

That still led him back to Bobby’s concern, who would get Ben if something happened? Dean knew that if his dad was alive, he would want him to raise to Ben. His second choice would be Bobby. However, beyond that he wasn’t sure. He decided that he should talk to Castiel and Gabriel. He knew Gabriel was good with kids and Castiel tolerated them okay. Maybe they would be okay with raising his son? Dean didn’t know but he made a mental note to ask. Dean didn’t know where to put Sam on the list for taking care of Ben. He decided just to work on the assumption that Sam would die with him.

Ben slept peacefully for the first hour of the trip then Dean heard Ben pout, “Daddy, I’m bored.”

Dean glanced back to see that Ben wasn’t even looking at him. He was playing with one of his toys. It was roughly a twenty-four hour drive to California. They had divided the trip into three days so each day there would only be about eight hours of driving. Still Dean knew they were probably going to be on the road for somewhere between ten to twelve hours every day because of Ben.

Dean sighed and said calmly, “I know, buddy. Why don’t you tell me about the game you are playing?”

++

Sam’s eyes were glued on the road and the surroundings. John could tell Sam was amazed by what he was seeing. They never traveled by car more than a few hours from their home and they always tried to make it home each night. The only exception was when they spent the night at Garth’s house. Sam was captivated by what was around him and John had to remind himself that this was new for Sam. Sam probably didn’t know the words for what he was seeing.

He thought back to when he had to explain birds to Sam. His son called them the black specks in the sky. Sam read books about different birds in those early days and John was certain Sam could tell him all sorts of random facts about birds.

John decided to break the silence and ask, “How are you doing, Sammy?”

 Sam glanced at him for a moment then he returned his gaze out the window. He said quietly, “I feel afraid. I am afraid of what Dean will do to me if I fail. Garth told me about.. that place. I don’t want to go there. I would rather be back in that basement. At least, I understand it there.”

John knew Sam was talking about the mental institution. He honestly wanted to smack Dean when he suggested to Sam that he might be better off there. Sam has difficulties with somethings but he doesn’t need a place like that. John was confident with the right support Sam could manage in society. He just didn’t know if Dean was the right support. John knew he should have faith in his oldest but Dean still worried him.

John did put in some safeguards to make sure Dean doesn’t try to do anything stupid. John retained medical power of attorney over Sam. He can act on Sam’s behalf but Dean cannot. It could seem to some like he was trying to put a wedge between the two soulmates but that wasn’t John’s intention. He just wanted to make sure that if Dean tried to put Sam in a place like that he could get his son out without a lengthy legal battle that would leave Sam more traumatized regardless of the outcome.

He tried to sound reassuring to Sam when he said, “Sammy, you’ll be fine. Dean can’t put you in a place like that. You’re a strong young man. I am proud of you. I am sure you’ll do great at Stanford and if it is too much you can come home. Lots of people don’t make it in college. That would actually be a normal experience.”

Sam smiled slightly and then he perked up. He said excitedly, “Dad, stop the car.”

John gave Sam a weird look and then he pulled over to the side of the road. It was a near desert area with cactuses along the side of the road. It wasn’t much to look at in John’s opinion. He watched Sam get out of the car and Dean pulled in behind them.

Sam walked over to one of the cactuses growing along the side of the road. He had a bright smile on his face. John watched was Sam traced his fingers around the pads and spines of the cactus. Dean knelt down next to Sam and he waited to see what his oldest would say. He really hoped it wasn’t something stupid.

Dean ran a hand through Sam’s hair and asked softly, “Do you know what this is?”

Sam nodded and signed, “Cactus. I’ve never seen one outside of the zoo and pictures. I wanted touch it. Is that okay?” John knew cactus was too difficult of a word for Sam to say. They had appointments with three different speech therapists around Palo Alto. John hoped Sam could find one he liked.

Dean smiled and kissed the side of Sam’s face. Sam didn’t seem to mind the affection and John was glad Dean was being nice to Sam. Dean kept his voice soft, “Of course it is, Sammy. Just don’t poke yourself with one of those needles. It could hurt.”

Sam huffed out a breath and signed, “They are called spines.” Dean laughed in response and John couldn’t help but smile.

About that time, Ben approached with Bobby holding his hand. He hollered, “I want to ride with Grandpa and Uncle Sammy. Daddy and Uncle Bobby boring.” John rolled his eyes because he knew within the next hour Ben would want to ride with Dean again.

++

Meg sat in an interrogation room. She was annoyed for a variety of reasons. They denied her request to talk to Boy one last time. She did slip and tell them somethings but she never told them Lilith’s name. Meg knew if she did utter her name she would be dead by morning. Lilith would most likely make it look like a suicide and Meg didn’t want to die, not yet.

Agent Hendrickson sat down in front of her and asked calmly, “Would you like to talk to me about the events surrounding the death of Mary Campbell?”

Meg shrugged and stated, “I don’t know anything about that.”

Agent Hendrickson asked calmly, “Do you know who Mary Campbell was?”

Meg smirked and leaned in, “She gave Boy to me and I used to play with her son, Dean.”

Agent Hendrickson looked at the glass. Meg knew there were people on the other side watching and waiting for her to say something useful. The agent asked, “Does boy have a name?”

Meg smiled brightly and replied, “His name is Boy.”

The agent nodded and asked, “Do you know who Sam Winchester is?”

Meg chuckled and said coyly, “Someone who died a long time ago.”

The agent pulled out a picture of Boy. It was from the hospital when he was first taken from her. He tapped on the picture and asked, “Who is this?”

Meg tilted her head and said, “That is Boy. How is he doing?”

The agent let out a slow breath and pulled out a recent photo of Boy from his high school yearbook. He asked, “Who is this?”

Meg grinned and said joyfully, “That is Boy. He looks like he has been eating too much.” Meg didn’t like the muscle she could see on Boy’s body. She didn’t like the masculine shape of his face. She knew that Boy must have done something to himself to make himself look manlier. He was supposed to be her little boy forever. Someday she would get him back down to size.

The agent spoke carefully, “Miss Masters, in both of these pictures you are looking at Sam Winchester. That is the name of the young man your father held against his will. His name is not Boy. Sam Winchester is very much alive and well. His mother is Mary Campbell. What can you tell me about the death of Mary Campbell?”

Meg leaned back and shrugged, “Her dying wish was for me to do the same to Boy but I promised her I would make him suffer so much more first. Mary died with a smile on her face.”

++

Agent Hendrickson left the interrogation room and turned to Bela Talbot. He said with exhaustion, “She’s crazy. Her attorneys are probably going to argue insanity. I can’t get any information out of her. She is fixated on Sam Winchester. I am not going to call him and ask him to listen to her crazy rambling. The poor kid has been through enough.”

Ms. Talbot sighed, “We don’t need the murder conviction but it would guarantee her off the streets. The three children found at her house should put her away for a long time. She could still get out though. Her upbringing will make the jury sympathetic to her cause.”

Agent Hendrickson loosened his tie and asked tiredly, “Did you draw up a plea deal with Ms. Braeden?”

Ms. Talbot perked up, “Yes, three years and five on probation. She won’t be allowed to around children under the age of seventeen after her release. She is currently giving names and locations to Agent Adams. We might be able to recover more children. I still don’t think we are going to get to the top of the organization. I am certain Sam Winchester or Garth Fitzgerald know who is at the top. I don't think they are as innocent as they appear.”

Agent Hendrickson shook his head, “How can you say that? They were just children when they were there. Even if they met the boss, they may not have known and they may not even remember. Rationally, I know he would have come into contact with Sam and Garth. Those kids were trained to be to the face of his business. He would have wanted to make sure his brand was represented correctly. However, we’ve identified every face in the videos and prosecuted. He’s covered his tracks well.”

Ms. Talbot crossed her arms and stated coldly, “I have yet to get a full interview with Mr. Winchester. It would help tremendously.”


	69. Chapter 69

Dean expected Sam to be interested in shopping for furniture, dishes, and other necessities. Sam wasn’t even the slightest bit interested. He could feel from Sam that he was utterly indifferent to what they picked out. Sam just shrugged at the different choices and didn’t sit down on anything. Not even the ugly furniture with a million different colors on it fascinated Sam.

John and Dean ended up picking everything out. They picked inexpensive items since they weren’t sure how long they were actually going to be in California. Dean did get a futon for their bedroom because it could be used as a sofa. He hoped he could coax Sam into sleeping on that. It would be a tight fit with the two of them but they normally slept curled up with each other anyways. Dean still had the goal of sleeping with Sam in a real bed.

Sam did show an interest in Ben’s room. Ben got a new toy box and sheet set to go with his new bed. They picked up a little desk for him as well. Dean didn’t even think about a desk for Ben but Sam figured that Ben would be starting preschool in a year and he may want to color in the meantime.

Dean was washing the pots, pans, and dishes in the kitchen when Sam came in. Sam looked at Dean and then he signed, “It doesn’t feel like home.”

Sam hadn’t been talking most of the day. He had been signing. Dean knew Sam was probably a little stressed. Their dad and Bobby were still there so Dean was surprised Sam came to him. However, he could hear Bobby arguing with John about how to correctly put together the table and chairs from the dining room. So maybe Dean was the safer person to come to.

Dean dried off his hands and walked over to Sam. He gave Sam a kiss which he did not return. Then Dean said gently as he rubbed Sam’s cheek. “We have to make it home. Did you bring your sketch pad? Maybe you could draw something to hang on the walls.”

Sam nodded and retreated. Dean sighed after Sam was out of sight. Sometimes Sam did okay. Other times Sam was still just a lost boy. Dean went back to washing dishes and organizing the kitchen. He hoped Sam could pull himself together.

++

John went out and bought Sam paints at nearly midnight. Sam was rather upset when he realized he forgot his paints back in Kansas. Sam was stressed and nearly in tears and John knew he would do anything to make Sam feel better. They weren’t as high quality as the ones he bought for Sam from the art store but they would due until morning. John knew he was guilty of spoiling Sam but this was a little thing, he thought.

It was worth it to John to be able to watch his son paint. He still looked stressed but he looked calmer now. John didn’t want to leave Sam in California. He wasn’t ready to let his little boy go. It seemed like yesterday to John that got reunited with Sam in that hospital room. In some ways, leaving Sam in California felt like he was losing Sam all over again.

John knew it was more than just losing Sam though. He was also losing Dean. He had raised Dean and while Dean had his faults, he was the only child that John had raised from birth. He never got that chance with Adam and Sam. Dean was a lot like him in some ways. They could talk about classic rock and cars for hours on end.

He knew he was going to miss his talks with Dean and he was going to miss working a long side Dean in the shop. Rationally, John knew Dean, Sam, and Ben would be back. It was Dean’s goal to take over the shop one day. But right now everything felt so final to John. He felt like he was losing his world.

John knew he would miss Ben too. Ben was like a little mini Dean. The child was so much like his father at that age it made him smile. It was almost enough to take him back in time, but it was always so painful to think back to when Dean was Ben’s age. Mary was pregnant with Sam. Even then, Dean doted on their mother’s belly.

Dean would run up and give her belly a kiss any chance he got. He would put his little hands on Mary’s belly and say, _“I love you, Sammy.”_ Whether the baby was a boy or a girl they were going to call him Sammy. Looking back John should have known they were going to be soulmates. Dean would even inform Mary in a very serious tone for a three year old when she ate something Sam didn’t like. At the time, he thought Dean was just being cute. However, now he knew Dean was actually feeling things from Sam.

This whole thing was hard but he knew his sons couldn’t live with him forever. They would have to grow up and stand on their own two feet. John sighed from where he stood in the boys’ living room. He heard Bobby ask, “How are you doing, John?”

John frowned and turned to his brother. He shrugged and said, “I feel like I am losing everything.”

Bobby nodded and sat down on the sofa. It was a little firm for Bobby’s tastes. “They will be fine and they will come home for the holidays and breaks. Well, I know Sam will probably come home. Who knows with Dean, he is excited about his internship at Roman Enterprises. It will be a good learning experience for him.”

John grumbled and sat down next to Bobby, “It is the forty minute commute that concerns me. I don’t want Dean to spend all his time working and not take care of his responsibilities at home. Sam and Ben are both going to need him.”

Bobby couldn’t argue that point. He put on a reassuring voice and said, “I think Dean is getting a better grasp on his priorities.”

++

Sam first day of college was stressful. That was the best word for it. He only had three classes that day and they were all general education classes. He sat in the back of the classrooms to avoid drawing attention to himself. Sam didn’t talk to anyone. He just smiled kindly at them. Dean had offered to go with him and to meet with his teachers during office hours so he could discuss his trouble speaking but Sam declined. He wanted to do this on his own. He wanted to prove to himself that he wasn’t broken beyond repair. Just because Dean thought he couldn’t handle society didn’t mean that was true.

Sam found the college campus to be a mix between loud areas where people were planning a party and quiet areas where people were content to read their textbooks. He decided to walk home between classes because he had over a two hour break. He didn’t want to mingle with anyone today. He just wanted to get through it. Sam wanted to do this without having to rely on Dean and he wanted to be able to tell his dad about it when they video chatted tonight.

Sam video chatted with his dad every night and Sam video chatted with Garth a couple times a week. He would talk to Garth more but Garth had a date night with Bessie each week. His friend also had church obligations. It seemed like Garth found a church home that helped him to make peace with everything that happened to him in life. Sam hoped he could get to that point someday.

Sam did not video chat with Uncle Bobby unless he was at his dad’s house that evening. Uncle Bobby couldn’t understand the technology which was extremely funny to Sam. His uncle didn’t think so but it made Sam smile. He still couldn’t laugh but he understood humor.

He emailed Gabriel and Castiel just about every day. He missed his friends. They were doing okay in the city and they were busy. Castiel was going to school and working at gas station. Gabriel was working sixty plus hours a week at the restaurant. Castiel even noted how Gabriel was too tired to prank him. Sam wasn’t sure whether Castiel was relieved or disappointed by that.

Sam still talked to Ash too. Ash would email and call him to check on him. Sometimes, Sam couldn’t talk. He just couldn’t make the words come out so they would email back and forth or video chat. Sam was grateful he still had Ash to talk to. He knew Ash would never judge him and he would always try to encourage him.

Sam walked into their empty house. Ben was at daycare near campus and Dean was at work. He looked around at the framed artwork on the living room wall. It was mostly scribbles but Ben had created it with him. It was one of the few canvas paintings they had in the house. Dean even got involved with adding paint to that canvas. Sam wasn’t really sure what it was supposed to be exactly, but Uncle Bobby would call it modern art.

He walked over and sat down on the sofa. He started to read the assigned chapters in one of his textbooks. Sam didn’t find the reading very interesting but he wanted to do well. He was determined to do everything he could to prove to everyone he could do this. Even if that meant reading less than interesting material.

After about thirty minutes of reading, Sam felt hungry. He closed his book and wandered into the kitchen. Sam found the bread and lunchmeat. He started to make himself a sandwich. It was then he decided something. Sam decided that he should overcome one of his fears. He wanted to cook something for dinner. Sam knew Dean would get home later than him from work so Sam hoped to surprise him.

Sam took one of the cookbooks off the counter and started flipping through it to find something easy to make. He wasn’t having much luck figuring anything out. Therefore, he went to his computer and emailed Gabriel to ask for help. He knew Gabriel would have some easy suggestions.

++

Dean hated this internship, but if everything went well he could be offered a fulltime job at Sandover which was a subsidiary of Roman Enterprises. He knew in the end it didn’t really matter, because once Sam either finished college or failed at going to college, they would be going back to Kansas. Today was Sammy’s first day of college and Dean was honestly expecting a phone call from the university advising that Sam had a panic attack or something. So far, Sam felt a little anxious to Dean which he would guess was normal. But more than anything, Sam felt curious today. Dean took that as a good sign.

Settling into live in California was interesting to say the least after their dad and Bobby left. Ben cried for Grandpa whenever he got overly tired. Dean found that interesting because Ben never once cried for Lisa. He didn’t really know what to think about that and he didn’t want to dwell on that too much.

Around lunch he texted Sam and asked, _“How is your first day?”_

Dean waited over an hour for a response from Sam. _“Sorry. I had my phone on silent. Everything is good.”_

Dean sighed. He could feel that Sam was hiding something from him. He didn’t know if being able to feel Sam’s emotions was a blessing or a curse sometimes. He texted back. _“Okay. I love you and I’ll see you tonight.”_

Sam texted right back, _“I love you too.”_

++

Dean got home a little after seven. Sam picked up Ben for him which Sam did most days because of his job. Dean knew the only day Sam couldn’t pick Ben up was on Thursdays. He had an evening class that night. Dean could feel that Sam was anxious on his drive home. He couldn’t help but wonder if something happened and it was taking everything in his power not to call while driving and check. He knew Sam would be annoyed with him for using his cell phone while driving so he didn’t call.

He was surprised to see the table set for dinner. Ben had one of his stuffed bears in the normally empty seat. That seat had a place setting as well. Dean could smell dinner cooking which surprised him. He walked into the kitchen to see Sam staring at the stove like it might start moving on its own at any moment. It was cute.

Dean came up to Sam and wrapped his arms around Sam. He had noticed that as the effects of the shots Sam was getting wore off, Sam became more open to affection. Dean wasn’t sure what to make of that. He kissed the side of Sam’s face and asked, “Did you cook for me?”

Sam nodded slowly and said with a little strain, “Yes, I wanted to do it. Gabriel told me what to do. I have to pull it out of the oven in ten minutes.”

Dean chuckled and ran his fingertips along Sam’s arm. He felt like a load had been lifted off of him with Sam cooking. Dean knew not to rely on Sam for this but it felt nice. He asked, “What did you cook?”

Sam gave a contemplative look, “It is chicken thighs with potatoes and asparagus. Gabriel says Castiel can make it so I should be able to.” Sam paused and he was thinking about something. Then Sam said with determination, “I want to take it out of the oven.”

Sure enough ten minutes later, Sam pulled the dish out of the oven. Dean did hover around and have potholders in his hand to take the dish if needed. Sam managed to sit the dish down on top of the stove before he freaked out. It only took Dean about five minutes to calm Sam down, which was okay because it needed to cool before they served it anyways.

Dean felt for the first time in a longtime like Sam was making progress in the right direction. Maybe Sam could make it. Dean knew Sam wasn’t cooking on the stovetop with an open flame but he still used the oven. It was progress. 


	70. Chapter 70

Ben liked it in California. They had been there for a few months. He started to get this warm feeling inside of him once they moved. It felt like pure happiness that was trapped away. Ben hoped he could find it one day and set it free. Uncle Sammy said it was good to feel happiness.

Ben was sitting on the sofa waiting for his daddy. His daddy had to leave for a longtime to take care of important business and now he wanted to talk to him. Ben knew he could handle his daddy’s talk. He was a little man after all. Ben enjoyed his daddy being gone for a few days because that meant Grandpa was here.

Grandpa didn’t make him go to daycare so they got to spend the whole day together. He even got to help make Uncle Sammy’s lunch one day. He made Uncle Sammy’s sandwich look like a dinosaur and Ben knew Uncle Sammy was impressed. He told him he did a good job.

Ben got to go a lot of places with Grandpa. He went to a children’s museum which was a lot of fun. He got to build stuff and play with cool things. They also went to the zoo one day and Ben liked seeing the animals. Grandpa even got him a coloring book so he could color the different animals. Ben was still trying to decide which picture he should color for Uncle Sammy. He had a lot of different colors of crayons. It was about a million different colors.

When Ben heard the front door unlock he bolted off of the sofa and ran toward the door. He nearly jumped into Daddy’s arms. He missed his daddy. His daddy picked him up and gave him a tight hug. It made Ben feel loved. His daddy asked very seriously, “Did you take good care of Uncle Sammy and Grandpa while I was gone?”

Ben giggled because he knew he didn’t take care of them. He was very serious when he said, “Yes Daddy. I helped.”

Daddy smiled and sat down with him on the sofa. He asked, “Did you? What did you do to help?”

Ben pursed his lips and thought. He spoke up helpfully, “I kept Grandpa from getting bored and I helped Uncle Sammy study.”

Daddy chuckled and said happily, “It sounds like you’ve been a good little man.” Ben smiled because he knew he was a good little man. Then Daddy got serious. “Ben, I need to talk to you about something important.”

Ben nodded and got off his daddy’s lap. He was excited. He spun around a few times before flopping down on the floor. He giggled at himself. Then he said, “Okay Daddy, I listening.”

Daddy picked him up off the floor and held him. Daddy sounded almost sad, “You know how you haven’t seen Mommy in a while?” Ben nodded because he remembered Mommy a little bit. She wasn’t nice like Uncle Sammy and Daddy. Daddy continued, “That’s good, Ben. Mommy did somethings. She did some bad things. Do you know what happens to grownups when they do bad things?”

Ben thought for a moment because he didn’t understand what Daddy was trying to say. He wanted to go play with his Legos. Ben gave the best answer he could think of. “Grandpa takes away their toys.” He giggled again.

Daddy sighed and Ben knew he must have given the wrong answer but he knew Daddy still loved him. Daddy sounded sad, “No bubby, when a grownup does something real bad they have to go to prison. Mommy did something real bad so she is going to prison. It will.. It will be a long time before you get to see her again.”

Ben started crying because even though he didn’t remember much about Mommy, he still loved Mommy. He wanted Mommy to come visit him and play with him. He sniffled into his daddy’s shirt but his daddy didn’t seem to mind. He asked because he had to know, “What did Mommy do?”

Daddy was gently rubbing circles on his back and it helped Ben to relax. Daddy was quiet when he said, “Mommy was trying to take children from their families. She was going to give them to bad people who would hurt the children.”

Ben didn’t understand. Why would his mommy do that? Maybe he wasn’t a good enough little man for her so she had to go find a different little man. Ben was suddenly angry because he was a good little man. Uncle Sammy, Daddy, Grandpa, and Uncle Bobby all said so. Mommy was just being mean. He huffed angrily a few times. He’d seen this mean kid at daycare huff like that a few times.

He started to calm down and he asked, “Can I send Mommy letters?”

Daddy nodded and said gently, “We can do that, Ben. I have something else to tell you though.”

Ben looked up at his daddy and now his daddy seemed a little happier. He snuggled back in with his daddy. He wanted this talk to be over with so he could go play with his stuffed animals.

Daddy said carefully, “When you were born, your mommy named you Benjamin Adam Braeden while I was away I got your name legally changed. You’re now Benjamin Robert Winchester. You’re still Ben and my little man. Now you have the same last name as Uncle Sammy and me.”

Ben didn’t really care. He just wanted to go play. He looked up at his daddy and said, “Okay, can I go play now? I want to play with my monsters.”

Daddy gave him one last hug and said, “Sure, buddy.”

++

After Ben left the room John asked Dean, “I thought you were going to change his middle name to Sammy.”

Dean shrugged and took his bag away from the door and sat back down. “I was until I realized his initials would be B.S. Then I thought about changing it to your name which made the initials even worse. I decided on Bobby’s name. It felt right. I did talk to Adam before I changed Ben’s middle name from Adam’s name. Adam is pretty angry and he wanted me to change it. He doesn’t want to be a father figure to Ben.”

John sat down on the sofa next to Dean. He could see that Dean was tired. He had talked to Dean on the phone every night of this trip and he knew it was stressful. John asked, “Did you talk to Lisa?”

Dean shook his head no and said, “No, I didn’t. I did talk to Adam though. We had lunch together. Kate was pissed off about it as per usual. She wanted to know if I was throwing around Sam’s money. She had a few choice things to say about Sam and Ben. Adam is just kind of stuck in the middle of all of this. It’s not fair to him.”

John sighed and Dean was right. Things with Kate have been tense. She still wanted what she viewed as her cut of Sam’s money. He tried to reassure Dean, “It will get better. Just give it time.”

Dean chuckled and leaned back. He sounded worn out. “I am so tired. I just want to sleep for days. Thank you for flying out to look after Sam and Ben. It means a lot to me.”

John smiled at Dean. He didn’t mind coming out to California. He missed spending time with Sam and Ben. It was good to have the opportunity to do that. He just wished he would have gotten time to spend with Dean. John was proud when he said, “They are both good kids. Sam is doing amazing. He made dinner with me a couple nights this week. He seems to be the king of the crockpot. I did get in trouble with Ben though. I tried to move Claire Bear to sit down and he informed me that was her seat.”

Dean laughed and said, “I don’t understand his obsession with that bear. He won’t go to sleep without it and it has its own place at the table.”

John shrugged and stated, “He’s nearly four. It’s pretty normal.”

++

Gabriel got called with Castiel to the Department of Human Services. Castiel had just turned nineteen and they had completed the required courses to be considered as possible adoptive parents. Neither of them expected anything right away. They wanted to find the right child or children to raise. They both wanted to adopt older children, who would have a harder time finding a home. However, they didn’t really want to start pushing for that until Castiel finished college.

They sat nervously in the waiting room. Gabriel was terrified that they would be told they were unfit. He knew some people frowned on soulmate pairs who were related. It wasn’t like he chose for Castiel to be his brother. They didn’t even look alike, but Gabriel knew that wasn’t the point. He wouldn’t change anything about his life, truth be told. He grew up feeling loved and Michael and Joseph never once made him feel like there was something wrong with Castiel being his soulmate.

Castiel reached his hand over and grabbed hold of Gabriel’s hand. Gabriel glanced at Castiel and Cas said softly, “Gabe, no matter what they say we still have each other and a family that loves us. How many people can say that? We are very blessed.”

Gabriel nodded and let out a slow breath. He wondered how Castiel could be so calm, but Castiel always was the more rational one. Castiel was also more responsible now that Gabriel thought about it which was odd because he was older. Gabriel smiled at Castiel and said softly, “Thanks. Cas. I love you.”

Before Castiel could return the gesture, the social worker came in. She sat down and primped her dress. Gabriel resisted the urge to roll his eyes. The social worker said with empathy. “We have a young girl who is currently in labor. She is a rape victim and does not wish to keep the child. She only had one request with placing her child. She wanted the adoptive parents to be soulmates that were unable to have children of their own. The two of you are the only ones we have on our roster that fit the bill.”

Gabriel looked at Castiel then to the social worker and then back to Castiel. He was a little dumbfounded by this. The last thing he expected was to walk into this office and get offered a baby. A newborn baby which they were both ill prepared for. Gabriel doubted that the four hour parenting class they got on infants covered everything they needed to know.

Castiel spoke first and Gabriel could feel fear from Castiel. He figured that was a perfectly valid thing for Castiel to feel considering. “I.. ah.. We would be honored but may I ask why we didn’t know about this sooner?”

The social worker closed a file and said sadly, “That is still under investigation by the police. I can’t fill you in on much. However, I can tell you that she was held against her will for pregnancy.”

Gabriel really didn’t want to go down that road. He asked excitedly, “So can we go to the hospital or do we have to wait until the baby is here?” Despite the horrible circumstances surrounding this, Gabriel was excited. Castiel and he were going to have a son or a daughter.

++

Dean woke up in the middle of the night to sound of Ben screaming. He rushed into Ben’s room to see Ben with his hand around his arm. His teddy bear was on his lap supporting his arm. Ben looked up at him with tear filled eyes and said, “Daddy, it hurts.”

Dean went over and knelt down in front of his son. Ben leaned his head on Dean’s shoulder and cried. Dean took a look at Ben’s arm and saw letters starting to form. He picked Ben up and cradled him in his arms. He sat down on the bed with Ben and said softly, “It’s okay, Ben. You’re getting the name of your soulmate.”

About that time John and Sam came in the room. Dean felt that Sam was scared when Ben started screaming so their dad probably took a moment to calm Sam down before checking on Ben. John asked tiredly, “Nightmare?”

Dean shook his head no and beamed, “He’s getting his soulmate.”

John sat down on at the foot of the bed and Sam stood awkwardly by the door. Dean knew Sam didn’t remember getting his name on his arm. All Sam remembered was the countless hours of torture he got for having that name. Dean didn’t know what Sam was thinking but he was certain that Sam wanted to make sure Ben was never hurt by his soulmate or his soulmate’s family.

It only took about half an hour before Dean could read the name. He kissed Ben on the top of the head and said proudly, “Your soulmate’s name is Claire Novak. Do you think she is pretty?”

Ben nodded and said sleepily, “She is the prettiest bear in the world.” Dean stared at his son and realized that his son probably thought his teddy bear was his soulmate. He decided not to worry about that tonight. It would make for a funny story later on.

++

Gabriel held their baby girl in his arms. She was a bald baby so her hair color was a mystery. Gabriel hoped it grew in dark like Castiel’s hair. She did have blue eyes like Castiel, but Gabriel knew that babies tended to have blue eyes. A baby’s eyes would darken and change as the baby got older. Gabriel untucked his daughter’s arm to see if she had a soulmate already. He felt his heart stop when he read the name, _“Benjamin Winchester.”_

Castiel came over and kissed Claire on the top of the head. He ran his finger over the name on Claire’s arm. He smiled and said, “We should call Dean and see if Ben has her name. That would be wonderful.”

Gabriel smiled and rocked his daughter in his arms. He felt complete with his daughter and his soulmate. “Yeah. Yeah, it will be wonderful.” He would make sure Claire grew up knowing Ben and loving him just like he loved Castiel. He knew growing up together did not mean they would have a loving relationship. His dad and Becky were living proof of that but he would try.


	71. Chapter 71

_“I’m a teen father. Shit.”_ That thought ran through Castiel’s head on an endless loop once he got past the awe of having a daughter. Now, he was in the completely horrified stage. He was a high school graduate that worked at a gas station and he was married to his brother. Being married to his brother wasn’t bad to Castiel. It was the bullying Claire would get throughout her life because of it.

Even if her classmates didn’t know her dads were brothers, they would still be a homosexual couple. Some religious groups considered homosexual soulmates to be abominations. Castiel lost count of how many times a Bible banger told him to repent growing up because he had a man’s name on his arm. He learned to ignore them but sometimes in the middle of the night he still felt ashamed and sometimes he hated himself. Gabriel always seemed to know when he was having those thoughts though. Gabriel moved a mountains to make him feel better.

Castiel also realized that he was completely screwed as far as his future went. He couldn’t put Claire in daycare until she was six weeks old. Castiel only had two weeks left in the fall term of college but he didn’t know how he was going to be able to complete his classes. He knew he would have to quit college. There was no way around it. It stung inside when Castiel thought about that. It felt like something was taken from him. He just wasn’t really sure what.

His work had let him take an unpaid leave of absence for three months. Castiel wasn’t sure if he would be going back to work because when he did the numbers with Gabriel it didn’t make sense for him to work. He would be spending all the money he made on daycare. That meant Castiel’s worst nightmare was in the process of coming true. He was going to be a stay at home dad.

The whole thing made him want to cry. He loved his daughter but it felt like all his hopes and dreams were suddenly ripped away from him. Castiel knew he couldn’t ask Gabriel to stay home with Claire while he worked. Gabriel was able to make more money than him because he actually had a chance to get a higher education. Okay, so Castiel was a little bitter about Gabriel getting to do that and it getting ripped away from him.

Castiel had emailed all of his instructors at college and told them, he wouldn’t be making it to class. Then Castiel video chatted with Sam. He may or may not have been an emotional wreck when talking to Sam. Castiel blamed that on the lack of sleep. He figured it was okay. Sam didn’t think it was unmanly or whatever to cry or have a little meltdown.

Castiel was just about to start writing up a daily schedule for him and Claire when he heard a knock on the door to his apartment. He got up and answered it. Castiel was a little surprised to see Garth standing there. They had seen Garth a few times since moving to the city. Castiel rubbed the back of his neck and said with uncertainty, “Hey Garth, what are you doing here?”

Garth smiled and held out his arms. He seemed happy which wasn’t unusual. Castiel wasn’t an idiot though. He knew this happy face Garth put on for everyone was just an act to hide the nightmare that was his life. Castiel had seen Garth with Sam when he thought no one else was around. Garth was still awkward but he was much calmer and gentler. Castiel could always see Garth’s protectiveness of Sam but more so when he thought they were alone.

Garth sounded upbeat, “Well, Winnie.. Sam called me. He told me that you weren’t able to make it to class because of Miss Claire. I called Gabriel and he said to come by.”

Castiel sighed and opened the door for Garth to come in. He grumbled, “I already told my teachers I won’t be able to make it today. It’s not like it matters if I go or not. I’m not going to be able to finish anyways.”

Garth frowned and he was serious when he spoke. “Castiel, it does matter. Trust me, it matters. Don’t give up on your dreams because life kicks you down. You just have to find your way back up.” Garth smiled at the end and Castiel wondered if Garth learned that line from the mental institution he was locked in.

Castiel knew he probably needed a nap and to stop thinking such negative things about everyone but it was just hard right now. He was angry. Castiel ran his hands over his face and asked, “Have you ever even taken care of a baby before?”

Garth laughed, “Not a newborn, but I did take care of Winnie from the time he was about six months. He was a good baby. I can take care of your daughter, Castiel.”

Castiel sighed and slumped his shoulders. He decided for a more reasonable approach. “Garth, I can’t ask you to take care of Claire while I am at class for the next two weeks. It’s not fair to you and I won’t be able to finish my degree anyways. There is no point in even trying.”

Garth crossed his arms and sighed, “Castiel, I work nights. It is no problem for me to watch Claire while you have class. I have nothing else going on and technically, I don’t even have to work. You going to college is important to Winnie so it is important to me. I’ll watch Claire every day for the next ten years if that means you’ll get your fancy piece of paper.”

Castiel took a slow breath. Sometimes, he didn’t realize how compassionate Sam was. He knew it probably took a lot for Sam to ask Garth to do this. Tentatively Castiel said, “Okay, I’ll show you the ropes today. I was going to make a schedule for Claire. I guess you can help with that.”

Garth seemed relieved. He smiled and said, “Thanks Castiel, it means a lot that you are trusting me with this.”

Castiel nodded and started to walk back toward the nursery. Then he stopped and asked Garth, “Why didn’t you ever go to college?”

Garth shook his head and Castiel could see that it was a sore subject for Garth. He looked away when he said, “When I was growing up I wanted to be an astronomer or something. I never made it past grade school before everything… happened. It was hard and as much as I would like to lie and say I’ve gotten past that it’s not the truth. I’m not as smart as other people. I had to take my GED four times to pass it. I wouldn’t have passed it without Winnie’s help. He showed me how to pick the most logical answer on multiple choice questions.”

Castiel didn’t know what to say to that. He fidgeted and said, “I’m sorry, Garth. You didn’t deserve for that to happen to you.”

Garth gave a fake smile and said solemnly, “No one deserves that.”

++

Dean was adjusting. That was the best term for it. His son’s soulmate was Castiel and Gabriel’s daughter. He knew Gabriel always had a negative opinion of him and he hoped that Claire wouldn’t get the same opinion of him or more importantly of Ben. Gabriel sounded really excited when he talked to him which Dean could understand. Getting to be a father was big deal.

Things with Sam have been difficult to say the least. Sam seemed to be more willing to perform sex acts with him now that the artificial hormones were out of his system. But the thing was, Dean felt like he was molesting Sam and he couldn’t do that. Sam didn’t get turned on. It was like Sam was going through a rehearsed dance, which it probably was for Sam.  Dean would rather not think about how many blow jobs and hand jobs Sam had performed in his life.

Sam did tend to keep his pants on while they did anything. Dean knew Sam didn’t like to be touched below the waist. He wasn’t sure if it was because he looked different down there or if it was just Sam’s way of protecting himself. It made Dean sad to know that Sam didn’t enjoy this intimate part of their relationship. He didn’t want to push Sam into anything and he didn’t want to take his sexual frustration out on Sam.

Dean wasn’t really sure what options that left him with. He could invest in more dirty movies to watch but Sam walked in on him watching one once. It caused Sam to have a panic attack. Dean wasn’t really sure what specifically about the porn caused Sam to have a panic attack. Well, he had a pretty good idea. It was gay porn with some guy tied down to a bed. It was either the bed, being tied down, or both that triggered Sam.

He did fanaticize about getting to tie Sam up which Dean was fairly certain made him a sick. Dean fanaticized about it because he could take care of everything for Sam and all Sam would have to do was submit to it. Dean knew it would never happen in a million years but it was still a nice fantasy. One where Sam actually wanted to have an orgasm.

Dean knew he could cheat on Sam. It would be wrong but it would fill his need and Sam didn’t ever have to know. However, Dean knew he promised Sam that he would never do that again and he was honest when he said that but now his feelings were changing. Dean fully understood that Sam deserved to be happy after everything he went through, but Dean thought he deserved the same. He also thought that a few one night stands wouldn’t hurt anything or anyone. Sam didn’t need to know.

Dean put his hands over his face and thought about how he could pull this off. He felt the sofa next to him shift and he knew Sam sat down next to him. He thought Sam was asleep on the floor. Sam wouldn’t go near the futon so they still slept on the floor.

Sam’s words were guarded, “You were thinking about cheating on me again.” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement.

Dean knew he could lie but that wouldn’t do any good. Sam would know he was lying. He couldn’t look at Sam when he spoke. He didn’t want to see that look of hurt and betrayal. “I was, but I didn’t do anything. I’m sorry. I just want to have a sex life and I don’t feel like I can do that with you.”

Dean glanced at Sam and Sam looked confused. He could feel that Sam was hurt and confused. Dean felt awful for making Sam feel like that. Sam struggled out the words, “Is it because I told you no once? I.. I didn’t mean.. You can..”

Dean cut Sam off because the fact that Sam would just offer himself up as fix just made Dean feel worse. He turned and faced Sam. He was adamant when he said, “No, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. You didn’t want to be the bottom during anal sex and that is okay. You had every right to tell me no. I’m actually kind of proud that you were able to tell me that… It’s just when we do things now, you don’t feel anything. You don’t have a sex drive. I feel like I am doing something wrong.”

Sam somehow managed to look more confused. “You own me. It doesn’t .. It doesn’t matter what I want.”

Now Dean thought he was going to throw up. He steadied himself before he asked, “Sammy, why do you think I own you?”

Sam looked down and away. He was getting scared now. Sam signed, “I’ve always been what other people want me to be. I was what Azazel wanted me to be and now I am trying to be what you want because I am yours. I do what you want because I am afraid of making you angry. Your anger and what I felt every time you were with Lisa hurt me more than Azazel ever could. I thought.. I thought you were teaching me how I was supposed to be for you. I thought I was bad and that was why you were with her.”

 Dean felt like the scum of the Earth. He let out a slow breath. He cupped Sam’s face for a moment and noticed Sam had tears in his eyes. Dean gently brushed Sam’s hair behind his ears and said softly, “Sammy, I want to know you. The real you, not the person you think I want you to be.”

Sam let a couple tears fall down his face and he touched the side of Dean’s face briefly before pulling his hand away. Sam signed, “I wanted to go to law school so I could get the soulmate laws changed. I wanted to make it so you weren’t stuck with me anymore. So you could be happy and have what you wanted. You can’t have that with me.”

Dean kissed Sam’s nose and said gently, “I’m happy to be stuck with you. We just have a few things to work out. Can we start with me getting to know the real you?”

Sam seemed hesitant but then he signed, “I can try but I don’t want to get hurt.” That statement took Dean back in time to when he was looking at a twelve year old boy who wrote down on a piece of paper, _“I like to try to avoid hurts.”_ That was what Sam had been doing with him. Sam was trying to avoid getting hurt.


	72. Chapter 72

Dean sat at his desk at Roman Enterprises. He couldn’t get Sam’s entire college break off to go home to Kansas. Their dad flew down to fly back with Sam and Ben. Dean knew he was going to miss out on Ben meeting his soulmate but Uncle Bobby promised to video it. He wanted to be there more than anything but he couldn’t. He had this internship and within the next week he would know if he got a permanent job at Sandover. It didn’t feel good to have to choose between being a dad and providing for his family.

He knew they could all live off Sam’s money for the rest of their lives, but that felt to Dean like he would be taking advantage of Sam. Ben wasn’t Sam’s responsibility and Dean knew Sam did more for Ben than he was required to. Anything Sam did for Ben was because he wanted to, not because he had to. Dean figured that was probably one of the things that made people like Sam and Garth good people. They both stepped up to the plate to care for someone else when they didn’t have to.

Sometimes, Dean wondered if Garth ever thought about killing Sam, not out of malice but mercy. Garth knew the sort of pain, humiliation, and dehumanization that Sam would be forced to endure. All he would have had to do was hold a blanket or pillow over Sam’s face and wait. Dean wasn’t sure he could have watched Sam get hurt like that. He doesn’t know how he would react, but part of him thought he would do anything he could to end Sam’s suffering. Even if that meant ending Sam.

Dean had thought a lot about what Sam said to him. He, Dean Winchester, managed to somehow hurt Sam more than Azazel ever had. Azazel who broke Sam of speaking, who covered his body in scars, who took everything from Sam and kept digging for something more to take. Azazel was a monster. The worst kind of monster that Dean was certain had a special place in Hell, but yet Dean was worse than him. Dean didn’t understand how that was possible.

He wondered if maybe he was poison to Sam. Maybe they just needed to pick a hemisphere and go their separate ways. Dean didn’t know how that would work once they got to Heaven or wherever they ended up. Maybe a life lived apart would cause them to bond in the afterlife or maybe it would destroy them both. Dean knew if he broke Sam’s heart, it could kill him, literally. He didn’t want Sam to die of a broken heart.

Dean just wished he knew what it was Sam wanted out of life. He knew what Sam wanted to do for him. Sam’s whole sense of purpose seemed to be wrapped up in trying to make him happy. It just made Dean think Sam needed to be someplace where he could find himself and Dean didn’t know if Sam could find himself with him.

Dean was pulled from his thoughts by getting hit in the back of the head with a paper wad. The spunky redheaded IT girl was leaning on the edge of his cubicle. She held her hands up and said exasperatedly, “Geeze Winchester, where were you Oz?”

Dean didn’t understand half of her nerdy references. He did know about Oz though. He was from Kansas after all. Dean smiled and shook his head, “I wish. I was just thinking. What can I do for you?”

Charlie, the IT girl, sat down on his desk. She picked up a picture of Sam, Ben, himself from their wedding day. She held it and made a contemplative face. Then she announced. “I don’t swing that way, but your husband is pretty hot. He looks younger than you though. When did you guys adopt a child?”

Dean snatched the photo back from Charlie and sat it back down his desk. He sighed, “Ben is my biological son.” Charlie raised an eyebrow so Dean said, “It’s a long story and I think I’ll be doing pence for that for the rest of my life.”

Charlie gave him a weird look. Then she glanced around. She whispered, “You don’t like his hotness in the picture. You just have to get to know him. Love isn’t automatic. My parents had to work to stay in love with each other. Their bond was so strong they died together. I would say it was beautifully romantic but it left me as orphan.”

Dean thought for a moment. He didn’t want Ben to be an orphan. Then he said, “Hey Charlie, you can hack stuff right?”

Charlie nodded and said proudly, “I am one of the best.”

Dean hummed for a moment and asked, “So if a camera was planted in my house. You could in theory trace down where it was feeding to?”

Charlie shrugged and was unimpressed, “I thought you were going to offer me a challenge.”

++

Dean talked to Sheriff Mills and he got a copy of the disk that held the data from the camera in their house. He had to get a signed agreement from Charlie stating that she was working on their behalf in confidentiality. Now he was just waiting for Charlie to come up with something.

It took twelve hours and then he saw Charlie with her eyes filled with tears. She wiped her eyes and said weakly, “I found them. I gave the information to Sheriff Mills and she passed it on to the FBI. I got into their mainframe. I got everything. I saw stuff, Dean. I saw awful, horrible things. Why would someone do that to little kids? I don’t understand.” She was crying now.

Dean stood up and gave her a hug. He said gently, “Hey, it’s okay. We’re going to get them and they won’t be able to hurt anyone else.”

Charlie snuffled and said with uncertainty, “Yeah, I guess. I didn’t look at everything but were they after your son?”

Dean shook his head and said quietly, “No, they had Sam, my husband.”

Charlie covered her mouth in a little bit of shock. She looked at the photo of Sam again and then her eyes got wide. “Oh my God, shit.” Charlie took off running toward her office. Dean followed her and stood in the doorway. He watched her frantically type for a few minutes. Then she said, “Shit. Shit. Shit.”

Dean crossed his arms and said calmly, “What Charlie?”

Charlie said frantically, “They were spying on Sam and some guy named Garth Fitzgerald. They had videos, logs of what they did every day, everything was kept in a file called product samples. If the queen bee falls, she ordered hits on the two of them. They can identify her. There are videos of both of them with her. Whoever she hired to carry out the hits is off the grid. I can’t track him.”

Dean snapped, “Charlie, what is the name of the person in charge?”

Charlie looked up with a worried expression on her face. “Lilith Eden. She was sold as a child into this. She was a slave but from what I was able to find out she eventually killed the man held her and took over his business. Lilith got her start trafficking the children of any man that laid a hand on her. She murdered her own soulmate along with his live in girlfriend of thirty years. She trafficked her soulmate’s children. It was revenge but it grew from there. She became like the people she sought revenge on.”

++                                                           

Ben was excited. Today was important day, Grandpa told him so. He was going to meet Claire, not his teddy bear. He was going to meet his soulmate and he was going to marry her someday. He was going to treat her like she was the most special thing in the world like how Uncle Sammy treated Daddy. He wanted to be like Uncle Sammy when he grew up and Claire would be his princess. Princesses stayed beautiful forever while queens became bitter with time. Claire would always be beautiful. She would always be his princess.

He painted Claire a picture to give her. It was of a dinosaur. He wasn’t sure if princesses liked dinosaurs or not but he knew Claire would like it. He hoped that she would love it. Ben knew she was just a baby but he was hopeful. He had seen pictures of her and he thought she was the most beautiful little lady in the world. No one else compared to her.

Ben sat on the bathroom counter as Grandpa straightened his tie. Ben insisted on wearing a tie because he wanted to make a good first impression. He looked up at his Grandpa and said seriously, “Grandpa, I want to be a good soulmate like Uncle Sammy.”

Grandpa ran his fingers through his hair and it tickled a little so he giggled. Grandpa asked him, “What makes Uncle Sammy a good soulmate to your daddy?”

Ben smiled and held out his arms. He said enthusiastically, “He loves Daddy even if it makes him sad sometimes. Uncle Sammy never give up on Daddy. He always try. I want that.”

Grandpa picked him up and tickled his belly. Ben laughed and tried to shove Grandpa’s hand away. Grandpa gave him a kiss on the side of the face and asked, “Doesn’t your daddy do the same for Uncle Sammy?”

Ben shook his head no and said happily, “No, Daddy just gets cranky and works more.” He giggled and made his daddy’s cranky face to show Grandpa.

++

Michael smiled at Gabriel, Castiel, and Claire. His brothers had grown up so much over the past few months. Their daughter was beautiful and perfect. Michael warned Gabriel and Castiel not to tell Claire the circumstances of how she came to be until she was an adult. He didn’t think Claire would benefit from knowing she was an unwanted rape baby.

Michael didn’t blame Claire’s mother for giving her up for adoption. It was probably the best solution to a bad situation. Claire was for her mother a reminder of that rape. With Castiel and Gabriel, Claire would be nothing but loved. She wouldn’t be a reminder of a quite possibly the worst experience in her mother’s life.

Gabriel was dressing Claire a little pink dress and she had a large bow on her head. Castiel thought the bow looked silly but Gabriel thought it made her look more girly. He wondered if he should step in but the boys seemed to work it out themselves. Castiel won this round but only because he thought the bow would make it more difficult for Ben to hold her. Michael doubted Ben would be carrying Claire anywhere, but he didn’t say that.

Michael watched Castiel strap her into her carrier when Gabriel turned to him and said seriously, “Thank you, Michael.”

Michael could probably count on one hand the number of times Gabriel had been serious in his life. The tone got his attention. He smiled kindly at his brother and said, “Gabriel, this is your home. You guys are always welcome here.”

Gabriel shook his head no and he looked a little teary eyed. He let out a slow breath and said, “It’s not that, Michael. You may be my brother, but you are a father to me and Castiel. You had to play the role of father and mother for both of us when no one else wanted us. You didn’t have to that. Chuck.. He’s not my dad. You’re my dad. You always have been.”

Michael pulled Gabriel in for a hug and he felt his shoulder get a little wet. He knew their father had been an unwelcome presence in their lives. Chuck wasn’t kind to Becky and Michael thought that deep down Gabriel worried about treating Castiel like that. He didn’t know what his father got out of hitting Becky. Certainly, he could feel that and feel her pain. He didn’t know if his father just liked to hurt inside or if there was something more to it. Michael didn’t know but he did know he raised Castiel and Gabriel not to treat each other like that.

Michael pulled back from Gabriel and squeezed his shoulder. Castiel was staring at them with a serious expression on his face. Castiel could look so serious sometimes. He smiled at Castiel and said, “Castiel, your hair is a mess. Can you go brush it before we head over to the Winchester’s house?”

Castiel narrowed his eyes on him and stated flatly, “Why? Gabriel likes it.” As if to prove that point, Gabriel walked over and ruffed Castiel’s hair. Somethings just weren’t worth the battle. Even if Castiel neatly brushed his hair, Gabriel would mess it up.

Michael sighed and said calmly, “Okay, we should get Claire loaded into the car and head over there.”

The drive to the Winchester home was short and Claire started crying along the way. When Michael saw a number of police cars in front of the Winchester’s home, his blood ran cold. Then he saw an ambulance and he had a sense of foreboding fill him. Michael didn’t like this.  


	73. Chapter 73

Everything was dark and it smelled stale. Dean tried to move but he couldn’t. He realized, a little belatedly, that he was tied down. This wasn’t good. He remembered calling his dad to warn him as he left Roman Enterprises. Then nothing. Dean thought he drove somewhere but he couldn’t be sure. Everything was so fuzzy. Dean could feel Sam’s worry. He hoped Sam was okay. Dean knew he could get through this. Whatever this was.

The lights flickered on in the room Dean was being held in. He searched around the room for markers, anything to tell him where he was. Dean prayed. Yes, Dean who never prayed actually prayed for once. He prayed that Sam could see what he saw and help to find him. Dean knew that he never found Sam, but maybe Sam could save him.

As Dean’s eyes scanned the room, he realized he was in a warehouse. Dean knew the majority of the trafficked children were kept in warehouses until sold. He knew he was far from a child, but the facts remained the same. Dean saw his first clue as to where he was. There was an old framed photo on the wall of employees. The name of the company was Eden Exporting. Dean didn’t know how many warehouses Eden Exporting had. He was hoping one or two.

Dean’s eyes watched as a woman came over to him. She was pretty and blonde. She rested her hand on his chest and now Dean could get a better look at her. She looked evil. The woman smiled cruelly and her voice was nearly mocking him. “I heard that I can slice and dice you and you won’t feel a thing. Your sweet little soulmate will feel everything.”

Dean gathered his courage and asked, “Who are you? Why are you doing this?”

The woman hummed for a few moments. Then she stated calmly, “My name is Lilith. I am doing this because you found out about me. I know my empire is crumbling but I need to take care of loose ends. Sam is a lose end. He is also heavily protected. You, on the hand, were left unprotected and vulnerable.”

Dean smirked and stated, “Killing me won’t save you from anything. I think you’re jealous. You got separated from your soulmate just like Sammy. But you hated your soulmate and you murdered him. Sammy and I love each other so much that we will die together. You want to kill me because you think that will take away something you’ve never had.”

The woman got a knife from somewhere Dean didn’t see. She stabbed it into his leg. Dean didn’t feel much pain and he made a point to look away from her and at the picture on the wall. He knew Sam could feel it and Sam could probably see what he was seeing. Dean just hoped Sam could put the pieces together.

Dean didn’t put all of his hopes with Sam coming to the rescue. He slowly started to work on loosening the rope restraints.

++

Castiel was pretty sure that Claire meeting her soulmate was not supposed to involve being taken to a safe house but that was exactly what happened. He wasn’t exactly sure where they were. They wanted to separate him from Gabriel and Michael, but Gabriel refused to leave Castiel’s side. Likewise, Michael said there was no way he would be leaving his brothers in an unknown location.

They were targets because their daughter was the soulmate of Dean’s son. She could be taken as leverage which scared Castiel. He had seen the aftermath in the way they treated Sam. Granted, he didn’t meet Sam right away but he could still tell Sam was not okay. When Castiel first met Sam, he thought Sam was timid and he looked at him like he had never seen another person the same age as him. Now, that Castiel thought about it that was probably the case. He liked Sam but he didn’t want Claire to end up like Sam. He didn’t want Ben to end up like Sam either.

The safe house looked like a typical duplex in a suburban neighborhood. The windows were all covered with heavy curtains. It wasn’t a duplex though. Both units connected to each other from the inside. Ben and Bobby were taken here with them. Ben got to meet Claire in the back of an unmarked police SUV that somehow had enough seating to carry all of them. Ben was sobbing and calling out for his Uncle Sammy. Claire was likely crying because she could feel Ben’s pain. It was heartbreaking.

No one knew exactly what happened to Dean. All they were told was someone grabbed Dean as he walked out of his office at work. Sam knew it happened before the message got relayed to them. Bobby said Sam’s eyes, nose, and ears were bleeding and he collapsed on the floor. He said the paramedic told them that Dean was likely drugged and their bond was what was hurting Sam. Something told Castiel that Dean’s fate was going to be much worse than getting drugged.

Castiel feared what would happen if they killed Dean. He knew Sam would die which Castiel felt was unfair. Sam would never get the chance to live. He’d never get to laugh at a movie or know what it is like to fall in love. Yes, Castiel fell in love with Gabriel. He had always loved Gabriel but their love changing to a romantic one was a definite shift in their relationship. He never knew he could love Gabriel that much more but somehow he did.

He also feared for Ben. For all intents and purposes, Ben would be an orphan if they killed Dean. His mother would still be alive but Lisa wasn’t allowed to see him because she was sick. Castiel didn’t know if she had anything to do with Dean getting taken. He hoped she didn’t but he wouldn’t put it past her. He decided that if Dean died he was going to go up to the prison to visit her just to tell her that her son was now an orphan because she was selfish.

The only thing that gave Castiel peace of mind was knowing that Ben wouldn’t be put in foster care. He knew Bobby or John would take Ben. Hell, he and Gabriel would take Ben. Ben would still grow up loved and cared for. He would still have a family. Ben would just grow up without parents. Castiel didn’t grow up with parents and he thought he turned out okay.

Gabriel threw a candy bar at Castiel’s head which pulled him out of his worry. Castiel picked up the candy bar off the ground and muttered, “Thanks.”

Gabriel sat down next to Castiel. He threw his arm around Castiel’s shoulder and kissed the side of his head. He sighed and said calmly but Castiel could feel what Gabriel was feeling. Gabriel was scared. “It’s going to be okay, Cassie. Dean and Sam are going to be fine. Ben is telling Claire stories. It is pretty cute.”

Castiel smiled slightly but it was mostly for Gabriel’s benefit. He said quietly, “Gabriel, I don’t understand what Sam did to deserve all of this to happen.”

Gabriel pulled Castiel closer to him so Castiel’s head was resting on his chest. Castiel could tell that Gabriel felt better with having him close. Gabriel spoke gently, “He didn’t do anything, Cassie. Life isn’t fair and sometimes the good die young.”

Castiel closed his eyes as he steadied himself so he wouldn’t get upset. He asked softly, “Sam died?”

Gabriel shook his head no and kept his voice gentle, “No, but I don’t know how else this is going to end. These people wanted Sam dead before he ever left that house. They are monsters. I just hope they don’t make Sam and Dean suffer too much. I don’t think death is something that should be feared. Death isn’t the end, Castiel. It is the beginning of something much better. It will be okay. I promise.”

Castiel nodded asked, “What about Ben?”

Gabriel kissed him on the top of the head and said gently, “We grew up okay without a father so will Ben. Besides, Ben will have his grandpa, Bobby, and us. It will be okay.”

Castiel opened his eyes. He could see Ben telling Claire a story from the other room. He was very animated. His arms were failing around and he seemed happy. Claire was sleeping but that didn’t seem to mean anything to Ben. Castiel whispered to Gabriel, “I don’t want Ben to lose his fathers.”

Gabriel hummed for a moment and said, “Neither do I, little brother. Neither do I.”

++

John watched Sam helplessly. They had Sam on a hospital bed which John knew Sam didn’t like. He wasn’t sure if the fear in his son’s eyes was from being forced to stay on a bed or whatever was happening to Dean. The first few hours, John watched and held Sam’s hand as he bled and convulsed. There wasn’t much else he could do.

He tried talking to Sam about different things. He told Sam how Bobby was keeping up his greenhouse. He told Sam about how things at the shop were going. He talked about all of his employees’ families. John talked about anything and everything he could think of. Sam stared at him throughout. His son never said a word but Sam did hold on to his hand like his life depended on it.

After being there five hours a doctor came into the room and wanted to hook up an IV. Sam was losing blood and it wasn’t enough to be concerned about yet but they wanted to be ready in case it became an issue. John let them hook up the IV which Sam didn’t react to. John was pretty sure he was more upset about than Sam.

After the doctor left a nurse came in the room. She had nearly black hair and looked kind. She held out her hand for them to shake. John shook her hand but Sam didn’t do anything besides look at her with a blank expression on his face. The nurse spoke kindly, “My name is Tessa and I am a hospice nurse here. Sam meets the criteria for hospice. I wanted to discuss with Sam and you what sort of comfort medications we should start Sam on.”

John felt his mouth go dry. He knew what hospice was. They thought Sam was going to die. They thought Dean was going to die. He was going to lose both of his sons. John let out a shaky breath and said defensively, “He is not going to die. His brother is not going to die. They are going to be fine. We are going to get them patched up as good as new.”

About that time, John felt Sam’s hand tighten around his. He looked and saw blood staining his pants. Sam’s leg was bleeding. John had never seen anything like this. Tessa stepped forward, “Mr. Winchester, your son is in pain. Any injury Dean receives Sam will likely receive one to match it. Dean’s death will be fairly painless because of Sam. However, Sam will suffer terribly. We can make it so Sam doesn’t have to suffer.”

John let out a slow breath but before he could say anything Sam spoke. His son’s voice sounded rough and John could hear the pain in Sam’s tone. “Dad…Eden Exporting… Lilith.”

John gave Sam a confused look. He spoke gently, “Sammy, what are you trying to tell me?” He didn’t tell Sam they had Lilith’s name. He didn’t want to worry Sam. Sam had enough to be worried about.

Sam took a shaky breath and repeated, “Dean… picture.. Eden Exporting.. Lilith.”

John realized that Sam was trying to tell him where Dean was or at least where Dean thought he was. John turned back to the hospice nurse and asked, “Can you go get Sheriff Mills? After I handle this we can discuss medication for Sammy.”

++

An hour later, Sam was on a morphine drip. Sam’s chest was covered in open wounds and the doctors were actively trying to replace Sam’s blood. They tried to bandage Sam’s wounds but more would just appear. John didn’t like to think about how Dean was suffering the same. John could imagine Dean screaming and crying, but Sam was silent. Sam’s face was covered in bloody tears but it appeared to John that Sam had accepted his fate.

John held Sam’s hand as blood started to come out of Sam’s mouth. He made the most difficult call he ever had to make in his life. John made a call to Pastor Jim and asked him to come to the hospital to perform last rights on Sam. John didn’t know how to describe the feeling of watching the ritual be performed on Sam.

He had seen it before when his mother and father died. John never imagined he would live to see it performed on his sons. He had always feared that he would have to bury Sam after he was taken but once he was rescued that fear became a distant memory. Now, he wasn’t faced with the fear of a knock on the door in the middle of the night. He was faced with watching his son get ripped to shreds until he slowly died.

John moved down the rail on the hospital bed. He sat on the edge of the bed and pulled Sam into his arms. He just wanted to hold his son one last time and feel his heart beat one last time. He looked Sam in the eyes. John wasn’t even sure if Sam could see him anymore. He spoke gently as tears fell down his face. “Sammy, I love you. Please tell Dean I love him. Don’t be afraid, Sammy. It’s okay to let go and be with God.” 


	74. Chapter 74

Whoever said Sam would absorb the pain Dean felt was a liar. Dean knew this for certain. He hurt and he was pretty sure he was in the process of bleeding to death. Dean had screamed, cried, and regretfully even begged for this to stop. Lilith hummed with his screams, smiled with his cries, and laughed when he begged. She was an evil bitch.

Dean really hoped Sam wasn’t feeling this because he was in a lot of pain. The pain would only last for a moment on each new wound then it would fade into something more manageable. He knew in his heart, Sam was suffering. He could feel it in their bond and he could feel Sam struggling to hold on to life. Dean absently thought that must mean he was dying with Sam. He wondered why he didn’t feel afraid. He just felt like he was at peace.

His vision changed randomly from Lilith’s evil face to where Sam was. Dean could see his father. He actually started sobbing when he saw his dad. He wanted his dad so bad right now because his dad could fix this. Dean didn’t really know how John would fix this because Lilith would probably be trying to hurt him as well. But he had faith his father would figure something out.

Dean was still working on loosening the bindings on his wrists when his vision changed back to his father. He heard his father say, _“Please tell Dean I love him.”_ Those words gave him strength. It rallied something inside of Dean he didn’t know he had. He couldn’t die, not now. He had to live for Sam, for Ben, for his dad, for Bobby, and for all the things he hadn’t done yet. He had to live so Lilith wouldn’t win. So this would never happen to someone else.

He managed to get his left hand free from the restraint. He reached up and grabbed the knife in Lilith’s hand. She looked surprised and Dean was surprised by how weak she was. He easily pulled the knife from her hand and stabbed it into her chest. Dean pulled the knife out as she stumbled back. He quickly cut the restraint on his right wrist and ankles. As he sat up he could feel his injuries more and he felt a little lightheaded.

Dean sat up on the table and tried to catch his breath. He was shaking and his breaths were shallow. Dean knew he needed a hospital. He wasn’t sure if he was shaking because of adrenaline or shock. Either was a possibility. Dean watched as Lilith’s breaths became unsteady and as her chest stopped raising and falling. He didn’t have much time to focus on the fact that he just killed one of the women of Sam’s nightmares. Dean could feel his life fading.

He stood up and steadied himself on the table. His legs were stabbed multiple times. Dean was fairly certain he was only able to stand because Sam was the one feeling the pain. He knew he had to get out of here, but he didn’t know how many more of her goons were guarding this place. Dean whispered under his breath, “Sorry Sammy.”

Dean took a few steps and he heard gunfire in the hall. He felt weak and he felt his knees give way and hit the concrete. Dean saw a series of moments in time. He guessed it was like his life flashing before his eyes only it wasn’t his life. It was Sam’s life.

The first thing Dean saw was a younger version of Garth. Garth looked beaten but he had a smile on his face. Love, he was looking at Sam with love like Sam meant the entire world to him.

He saw Sam’s arm. Dean knew in this memory Sam was looking at his own arm. It had been burned but Dean could still see his name. Sam was running his fingers over the burn and spelling out the words, _“I love you. Please love me,”_ on his arm.

Dean saw the toy army man and in that memory Dean finally understood. That army man comforted Sam. Sam played with it in the darkness. The army man checked his wounds and bruises. The army man comforted him and made Sam feel a little less alone in the world. Sam told this toy all of his secrets, his fears, and hopes. Dean didn’t see all those secrets, fears, and hopes but he could feel that was what the toy meant to Sam.

Then Dean saw himself at sixteen next to his dad. He watched his younger self walk up to Sam from Sam’s eyes. Dean, for the first time, was able to hear what Sam thought when they first met. _“He hates. I don’t want a hurts. He’s beautiful.”_

The first time Sam felt safe was when his dad held on to him and comforted him. The first time Sam felt like it was okay to explore was with Bobby when he showed him a comic book. Sam liked going on adventures with Bobby. In Sam’s memory of seeing the sky for the first time, Dean was absent even though Dean knew he was there. It was Bobby that stood out in Sam’s memory.

Dean learned through Sam’s memories that when he dragged Sam to that party so he could sleep with Lisa. He bruised Sam’s arm from holding him so tight. He learned that Sam got matching scratches and bruises when Lisa got a little rough. He learned that when he got hurt during football. Sam didn’t injure his knee but the area was bruised. Sam was absorbing Dean’s pain in the hope that Dean would love him.

Dean watched his relationship with Sam grow. He found that Sam didn’t trust him but Sam loved him dearly. He could feel that Sam admired him and looked up to him. Dean didn’t understand why Sam would feel that.

He saw Gabriel and Castiel in Sam’s memory. Sam wished he could be loved like they love each other. He envied them. Sam considered Gabriel and Castiel his best friends. He found Gabriel attractive. Castiel protected him from bullies and showed him how to navigate school. Castiel showed him how to fit in. Gabriel showed him how to stand up for himself. He watched Gabriel and Castiel help Sam learn how to talk to propose to him.

Dean found out that Sam felt like one of the people that hurt him when he enjoyed sex. Sam feared he would be like them. That was the reason why he wanted to stop the hormone therapy. He didn’t feel he could talk to him or Dad about that. Sam felt alone in his own shame.

The happiest moment of Sam’s life was when they got married. Sam felt normal and he wanted more than anything to be a good husband and father to Ben. Dean felt pride when he started to see Sam’s view on Ben. First there was resentment. Ben was something Sam could never have. They could never have children together and Sam would never be able to father children. Sam felt like something was stolen from him.

His opinion of Ben changed slowly. Sam started to see Ben as a gift. Ben made Sam feel like he was gaining something back. Sam felt like he was getting to see what it was like to be a child since he never got that chance. Sam wanted to make sure Ben had the best childhood and was always safe. He gave something Sam had only seen from Garth as a very small child. He gave Ben his love. He cared for Ben.

Somehow, Ben drew Sam closer to him. Dean found out that Sam thought he loved Sam the most when he read to Ben. It was one of the few times Sam felt pride from Dean. Sam thought that if he took care of Ben that Dean would love him. Sam didn’t think that Dean loved him without Ben.

Dean saw his father’s tear stained face. He knew that he was now seeing what Sam was currently looking at. Sam felt numb. It felt like Sam was slipping away like leaves falling off a tree in the fall. The fall was Sam’s favorite time of year. Dean watched as his father’s face became unfocused and everything slowly faded to white. He heard Sam’s voice echo in his head, _“Now you know me.”_

++  
 Sam was sitting on a wheelchair. He was out in the park behind the hospital. Sam was staring at the sky as he watched the birds fly by. This was one of his happiest memories. He stood up and felt the grass between his toes and the warmth of the ground. Sam felt the cool breeze just as he did that day. He felt at peace.

Sam looked down at his arms and saw that his scars were gone. Dean’s name wasn’t covered in burns. Even the scars on his feet were gone. He felt the wounds that never healed in his mind being lifted away and he felt free for the first time. All of his nightmares, his fears, and demons just faded away into nothing. Sam felt complete. He felt a happiness he didn’t know existed. It felt like a weight had been lifted off his chest.

He never wanted to let this place go but he knew despite how perfect it was something was missing. Sam was missing his soulmate. He was missing Dean. Sam felt a strong urge to find Dean. He knew Dean must be somewhere here. He could feel it in his soul that Dean was here with him.

Sam walked on the path around the park and everything changed in front of him. He was standing in a living room. Sam saw Mary, his mother, in the kitchen. She was pulling a pie out of the oven. A four year old Dean was playing with his toys. He watched Mary walk over to Dean and pick him up. She gave him a hug and asked, “Are you Mommy’s prince?”

Dean smiled and said, “Yes, Mommy.” Sam watched Dean snuggle closer to Mary.

Mary kissed Dean on the top of the head said, “Remember I will always love you more than anything, my prince. Mommy will always protect you.” Sam heard a baby start to cry in the background and he heard Mary sigh. She sat Dean down and tiredly said, “I cannot wait to be rid of him.”

Dean grinned and said proudly, “I take care of him.” Sam watched this young Dean rushed up the stairs to what Sam guessed was his nursery.

Sam started to walk up the stairs but then he found himself outside of a burning house. He saw his dad holding the four year old Dean. Dean was screaming, “Bring him back. Bring Sammy back. He’s not dead. I feel him.” Sam watched Dean sob in his father’s arms. It reminded Sam of all the times John comforted him.

Sam took a few steps and the world faded around him. He was in Soulmate’s Park now. A teenage Dean, before Sam was rescued, was sitting in front of their tree. He was talking to the tree as if it was Sam and as if Sam could hear him. Sam never heard these talks Dean had. “I miss you, Sammy. I can feel that you’re hurting. I hope it is just some girl giving you a hard time at school. I think the people who are raising you must suck but that is okay Dad sucks sometimes too. He makes me clean my room and do the dishes. I feel empty without you but I met someone that doesn’t make me feel so empty inside.”

Sam looked up at the sky and it turned to night. He stared at the sky and realized he was laying on one of the scrap cars at Uncle Bobby’s place. Sam glanced over and saw Dean lying next to him. Dean smiled at him and grabbed hold of his hand. Dean gave him a kiss on his nose. He asked, “Do you remember this night, Sammy?”

Sam looked around and nodded. Then he said, “I think so. You were telling me about all the different constellations.”

Dean smiled and gave Sam’s hand a squeeze. He sounded proud, “Yeah, I did. I skipped class to go to the library to learn the constellations to impress you. This is one of my happiest memories. It was the first time you didn’t feel afraid around me. I wanted to cherish this night forever.”

Sam noticed that when he talked. His words came out perfectly. He stared at the sky and said, “You got some of them wrong, but I didn’t want to tell you.”

Dean chuckled and then he said seriously, “Sammy, it’s not time for us to be here. We have to go back.”

Sam turned to look at Dean. He didn’t want to go back. He didn’t feel tormented anymore. He felt at peace and free. He wanted to stay here. Sam closed his eyes and shook his head, “I can’t. I don’t want to suffer anymore. I want to stay here where you love me and want me. I want to stay where I am not broken.”

Dean pulled him into a hug and now Sam felt that he was on a soft surface. He realized he was laying on their little pillow nest on the floor of their room at their dad’s house. Dean whispered in Sam’s ear, “You were never broken Sam. I’ve always loved and wanted you. You need to go back, Sammy. Please come back to me. I’ll keep you safe. You need to live.”

++

John held Sam in his arms as the doctor looked at the clock. Sam had stopped breathing. John didn’t have them try to revive Sam. He knew it wouldn’t do any good if Dean had already passed. The doctor said gravely, “I am going to call it. Time of death is 0042.” The doctor patted him on the shoulder and said, “Please take as much time as you need, Mr. Winchester. I am sorry for your loss.”

John wept as he cradled Sam’s body. He brushed Sam’s hair out of his face. He whispered out between his cries, “I’m sorry, Sammy. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.” He sobbed until his tears ran dry. Then he laid Sam down on the bed gently. He carefully closed Sam’s eyes. He thought they were closed before but he could be losing his mind.

John leaned forward and kissed Sam’s forehead. He whispered, “I love you. I wish I could hold you forever and never let you go. I wish you could be that innocent little baby that I lost, so I could have raised you without all the suffering you faced. I wished you could have understood that Dean really did love you. I wish you would have gotten the chance to be a kid. I wish I got the chance to watch you play at a playground. I wish I could have taught you how to swim and ride a bike. I wish I got the chance to take you trick or treating. I used to imagine you and Dean dressing up in matching costumes. I wish you would have gotten the chance to believe in Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, and Tooth Fairy. I wish I would have gotten to see your imagination. But I guess, I did see your imagination through your art.”

John took a step back from Sam. He grabbed hold of Sam’s hand and gave it one last squeeze. It still felt warm to the touch. He steadied himself and said, “When I die. I will find you and Dean. I will see you again even if I have to travel through Hell.” John shook his head and tore his head away from Sam’s body. He could have sworn he saw Sam breathe. He took a deep breath because he didn’t want to be the crazy grieving father. He didn’t want to get dragged out of here but John knew he had to go. He had to tell his grandson his father and uncle passed away.

John reached up and gently closed Sam’s eyes. He could have sworn he already did that. He thought he felt a breath on his hand as he closed Sam’s eyes. John knew it was probably just his imagination and his hope that his sons were alive. He took a deep breath and he picked up Sam’s arm to put his hand across his chest. John reached over to pick up the other arm and he could have sworn he saw Sam’s fingers flex. He was losing his mind. He sat Sam’s other arm on his chest and Sam’s eyes were open again.

He knew that when some dies their eyes will open because the tissue retracts. That is why they sew the eyes closed for funerals. However, he knew it was too soon for that to happen. He knew he had to get out of here. He had to get some space to clear his mind. John closed Sam’s eyes again.

John started to walk toward the door when he heard Sam’s weak voice, “Dean.”


	75. Chapter 75

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I had mixed feelings about posting this chapter but here it is. 
> 
> By the way, this is the second to last chapter.

Dean heard a whisper in his ear as he was fading in and out. It was a female voice. “I’ll let you in on a secret whether you live or die, it is up to your soulmate. You have to find him and tell him to hold on.”

Sammy, he had to find Sam. Dean had never been successful with finding Sam in his entire life. He couldn’t find Sam when he was missing. He couldn’t find Sam when they got separated in a grocery store. It was always Sam that found him. It was always Sam that forgave him for the stupid things he did. Dean was always the one that held things against Sam. Things that Sam couldn’t change.

Dean’s world faded to white. He woke up laying on the cold floor. He was in the basement where Sam was held. It was different though. Dean knew this wasn’t a memory. This was either Hell or a nightmare. The walls were covered in writing in blood. Covered in words that Dean had used to describe Sam.

_“Freak”_

_“Scarred up”_

_“Castrated”_

_“Mute”_

_“Uneducated”_

_“Broken”_

_“Bad”_

_“I hate him.”_

_“Fix him”_

_“Little freak”_

_“Stupid”_

_“Weak”_

_“Pathetic”_

Dean felt terrible when he read those words on the wall. He watched as the pit in his stomach grew was blood flowed down from the ceiling to cover the walls. The blood pooled on the floor around his feet. Dean looked down and he could see his feet getting hit with different objects. There was the toy army man, Sam favored. There was paddles, whips, knifes, matches, iron rods, and condoms. Dean had never used condoms when he did things with Sam. Then there was pages of math books. There were pieces of stories but never complete pages. Next Dean saw firecrackers, pills, a frying pan, a football, and pictures of the world outside. These weren’t pictures inside some scrapbook somewhere. They were Sam’s memories.

He looked up from his feet where the objects were gathering. Dean could see that the blood was separating on the walls. It was not leaving other words. These words were Sam’s thoughts. This was how Sam viewed himself.

_“I don’t want to be a burden.”_

_“Why can’t that love I feel from him be for me? What did I do wrong?”_

_“I’m sorry I can’t talk.”_

_“I don’t know how to make noise.”_

_“Why doesn’t he give me a choice?”_

_“Azazel won. He made him hate me.”_

_“I want the nightmares to go away.”_

_“I’m not there. I am safe now. I am safe now. Dad said I am safe now.”_

_“I wish I wasn’t afraid.”_

_“I wish I could breathe without hurting.”_

_“I wish people wouldn’t talk down to me.”_

_“I’m never going to be treated like everyone else. I am too broken.”_

_“The screaming never stops.”_

_“The pain never stops.”_

_“Please make it end.”_

Dean fell back onto his knees and closed his eyes. He never realized some of these things, probably because he wasn’t looking. He never knew Sam had nightmares. Dean felt fear from Sam at night but never put two and two together. He knew he never comforted Sam because of what happened to him. Dean knew somethings set Sam off and he would try to calm Sam down. But he never picked at the wound to get it to heal. Dean just wrapped it up and hoped it would go away.

He didn’t know that for Sam the very act of existing hurt. Sam always hurt and he was always suffering. Sam wanted to be allowed to make choices when Dean was thinking about putting Sam in a mental institution. Sam wanted to feel like he was in control, like he had some rights, like he wasn’t just an unwanted object but Dean wouldn’t entertain the idea of Sam having choices. He never gave Sam anything that he needed to thrive. Sam was already beaten down by Azazel and Dean realized he was the one that took the final blows to Sam.

This was why Sam thought Dean owned him. This was why half the time when Sam looked at him, it was a mixture of sadness and fear. This was why Sam would shake and bow his head whenever Dean was angry. This was why Sam never complained about taking care of Ben or cleaning the house. This was why on the rare occasion Sam stood up for himself, he stood up to their father and not to him directly.

When Dean opened his eyes, he could hear the sounds of the ocean. He could see the water hitting his knees. Sam was sitting next to him. This was a different version of Sam. One that he had never seen before. This Sam had bright hazel eyes and defined dimples when he smiled. This Sam didn’t have a single scar that Dean could see. All he could see was tanned smooth skin. This Sam did not carry the scars of life. This Sam wasn’t haunted. This Sam was free.

This Sam looked at Dean and smiled. Dean never realized how handsome his soulmate was until this moment. This Sam ran his hands through the water and said, “What is the point of living if you don’t feel alive? What if life has been nothing but pain and the good parts are so small they get washed away in a moment?” Sam spoke clearly and articulately. This probably wasn’t his Sam, Dean realized.

Dean didn’t really knew what to say to this Sam. He was a little uneasy when he said, “Living is better than being dead.”

This Sam frowned and looked out at the ocean. Dean couldn’t feel anything from this Sam. This Sam said contemplatively, “Are you sure? How is being at peace forever a bad thing? How is not hurting anymore a bad thing? I think you are speaking out of fear and not what really is.”

Dean didn’t really know what to say to that. He didn’t want to die but he had a feeling he had to get past perfect Sam to get to his Sam. This Sam could apparently read his mind. This Sam said, “I’m not perfect. I am what you wanted your soulmate to be. If I had a mother that loved me and if Azazel didn’t torture me, I could have been like this but as it is I’m not.”

Dean reached out and grabbed hold of this Sam’s arm. He watched as the scars that littered Sam’s body spread up Sam’s arm. This Sam in front of him pleaded, “Don’t do this. You don’t know what it’ll do to me.” Dean didn’t say anything. He just stared at this Sam was the brightness in eyes faded. The familiar dimness of Sam’s eyes returned. Dean knew the scars were spreading on Sam’s body. Once the light was gone from Sam’s eyes. He had his Sam again.

Sam stared out at the ocean. He whispered, “This is the first thing we experienced together. I didn’t feel so different on this day. I’m sorry, I could never be what you wanted. You deserved more than me.”

Dean let go of Sam’s hand. He reached up and turned Sam’s head so Sam was looking at him. He kissed Sam gently on the lips and whispered, “You are everything I wanted. I don’t care if you’re covered in scars. You’re perfect. I want to grow old with you. I want to see you when your hair goes white. I want to hold your hand when you take your last breath. I can’t do this. I can’t live without you.”

Sam hummed for a moment then he said rather bluntly, “We’ve already died, Dean. Lilith killed you and by extension she killed me. I died in Dad’s arms. I bled out in his arms. I was in so much pain. They were giving me drugs to help but it didn’t. Dad told me to tell you that he loves you.”

Dean looked away from Sam. He felt ears prickling his eyes. He said weakly, “But Sammy, if we’re dead Ben will grow up an orphan. You’ll never get to prove that you’re not damaged by what they did to you. I’ll never get to fall in love with you.”

Sam hummed for a moment. His eyes twinkled in the sunlight. Sam was contemplative, “True, but Ben will still have people around that love him. It was more than I ever had when I was his age.” Sam sighed, “It’s not the scars that bother me. It is these wounds inside of me. The wounds that never heal. Those are the wounds that make me different. I learned what it is to be loved from Garth, Dad, and Bobby but I know that is a different type of love. It is not the type of love you seek. You know what it is to fall in love with someone. You fell in love with Lisa. I do not know that type of love.”

Dean asked Sam carefully, “Don’t you want to know that type of love?”

Sam shook his head no and said sadly, “No, I don’t. You hurt me more than you could ever imagine with the love you felt for Lisa. At the time, you felt no love not even a brotherly love for me. You hated me. I don’t want that. The love you shared with Lisa was founded on your hatred for me and Lisa’s hatred for Adam.”

Dean knew he was running out of cards to play. He felt a sharp pain in his chest. Dean grabbed hold of his chest and gasp. Sam smiled slightly, “They are trying to bring you back.”

Dean got up to his knees and cupped Sam’s face in his hands. He pleaded, “You were never broken Sam. I’ve always loved and wanted you. You need to go back, Sammy. Please come back to me. I’ll keep you safe. You need to live.”

The world around Dean faded into blackness and he could feel the fires burn his skin. He could feel a fire on his skin and in his chest. Dean opened his eyes and everything was a little blurry. A doctor was standing over him. He blinked a couple times at the doctor and realized he was feeling his own pain. That was why he hurt so badly. Dean had never hurt this much before. Sam had always handled his pain before.

Dean tried to reach up his arm but failed. He gasped out, “Sammy.” Then he closed his eyes and let the world fade to white once again. He needed Sam.

++

Charlie was pacing because this was her fault. She was hanging out in Dean’s hospital room because Dean had no one. Charlie had been told that his soulmate, Sam, had died. It was unclear if Dean’s father was going to fly out to California to give Dean the news or not. That was more than a day ago. She did think it was something of a dick move to leave your son alone on his death bed.

Charlie was just about to leave when she saw four people walk into Dean’s room. She recognized two of them from the photos on Dean’s desk. Sam was alive by some wonderful miracle and Ben was holding Sam’s hand. Sam’s eyes were unfocused and his skin was pale. He was in a wheelchair. Ben looked concerned and mature beyond his years.

She stepped out of the way as they wheeled Sam over to Dean. One of the older men put down the rail on Dean’s hospital bed as a nurse walked in. The two older men shifted Dean slightly on the bed. Then they picked up Sam and laid him down next to Dean. Neither of them were responsive. The nurse came over and hooked an IV up to Sam’s arm. Charlie wondered what they were giving Sam but she didn’t ask.

The little boy, Ben, pulled himself up on the bed. He kissed Dean’s forehead and said, “All better, Daddy. You can wake up now.” Then the little boy kissed Sam’s forehead, “All better, Uncle Sammy. You can wake up now too. I brought you to Daddy.”

One of the older men picked Ben up off the bed and Ben squealed. He asked desperately, “Grandpa, why won’t Daddy and Uncle Sammy talk to me?”

The older man hugged Ben. He sounded distraught, “They will, kiddo. They will. They just need time to heal.”

++

A miracle that was what they called Sam coming back to life. John really wasn’t sure if you would call this life though. Aside from Sam uttering Dean’s name once, he had been completely motionless. They were told that Sam and Dean might recover better if they were together. So they flew to California.

Dean looked more battered than Sam which John supposed made sense. It hurt him to know that if Dean woke up, he would be scarred by what Lilith did to him. John knew Dean took pride in his appearance and even though Lilith did not go after Dean’s face, John knew his appearance suffered greatly. Dean would probably find out what it feels like to be called names because of his scars. He hoped Sam could help Dean through that.

As John looked at his sons on the hospital bed, that was too small for the two of them, John couldn’t help but wonder if his sons would come out of this intact. He wondered if now that Lilith was dead if his sons were finally safe or if this was just the beginning of something much worse.

He took a seat next to their hospital bed and waited. He wasn’t going to leave his sons alone. If they rallied to live to be together in their last moments of life, he would be by their side. If they rallied to survive, he would be there to help them recover. He was told it could go either way. All John knew was he was going to be there for his sons. He wasn’t going to leave them alone.

John opened up his coat pocket and pulled out Sam’s army man. He put it in Sam’s hand and closed Sam’s fingers around it. He pulled out the scrap of a baby blanket that Dean thought he kept secret. It was from Sam’s nursery. Dean had it since he was small and would sleep with it in his pillowcase because it was Sam’s. John put the scrap of blanket in Dean’s hand and closed Dean’s fingers around it. He hoped his sons could find comfort in each other and not just the objects that represented them.


	76. Chapter 76

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I should probably warn everyone that this is not a happy ending.

Fourteen Years Later

The buzzing really needed to stop. He rummaged his hand around on the nightstand until he found his cellphone and shut off the alarm. He sat up and slowly rubbed his eyes. He muttered, “I fucking hate mornings.”

Ben heard Castiel’s voice through his closed door. It was stern. “Benjamin Robert watch your language.”

Ben rolled his eyes and rolled over he kissed Claire on the side of the head. She was soundly sleeping and her long blonde hair was taking over part of his pillow. She often found her way to his bed at night. She liked it when he held her. Still she didn’t get up this early and today was a weekend day. There was no way she was going to get up.

Ben stumbled out of bed. He saw Castiel dressing Sam. Castiel got a degree in nursing and became Sam’s primary caregiver. They all lived together which Ben enjoyed because that meant he got to live with Claire. Ben came over as Castiel lowered Sam down onto his wheelchair. Ben didn’t really remember Sam ever being anything but like this.

He heard stories of when Sam talked and had a garden. Uncle Bobby still kept up that garden and would take Sam to go see it. Ben knew Sam liked the sky and everyday rain or shine, he would go watch the sunrise with Sam. Ben didn’t know if Sam could see it or not but something inside of him told him it was important to Sam.

Ben wheeled Sam outside and parked Sam’s wheelchair by the bench outside. He looked at his uncle and said sadly, “Dad will come back. I know he will. I think it just hurt him to see you like this.” Truth be told, Ben hadn’t heard from Dean in years. The only reason he called Dean Dad was for Sam’s benefit on the off chance that Sam actually knew what he was saying.

Ben knew it was unlikely Sam could hear anything though. The doctors said Sam was trapped inside his own mind. When the people that hurt Sam took his dad, Sam used their bond to save his dad at his expense. His Uncle Sammy sacrificed himself so Dean would be mentally okay and he wouldn’t feel the physical pain. Sam had also technically died and they think that caused some brain damage.

It made Ben angry to think about how Dean left his uncle here. Sam was Dean’s soulmate. He should be here but he wasn’t. Ben knew he would never leave Claire like this. He would never let Claire suffer like this. Ben watched the sun pass the horizon and he said what he told Sam every day, “Uncle Sammy, you’re the bravest and strongest person I know. I love you.”

He was enjoying the sunrise when he heard footsteps behind him. Ben felt a warm hand on his shoulder. He looked up at his grandfather. John asked, “Are you and Sammy enjoying the sunrise?”

Ben nodded his head and looked up at John, “Yes, we are. Is it Uncle Adam’s day to cook breakfast?”

John chuckled and sat down on the bench next to Ben. He looked over at Sam and he couldn’t tell if Sam was looking at the sunrise or not. He hated seeing Sam like this. He had a sadness in his voice when he said, “Yeah, it is. Adam has was complaining about homework in his graduate program so I have a feeling it might be cereal.”

Ben laughed because that sounded like Uncle Adam. Adam was going to college to be a doctor. He wanted to find a way to help Sam because Sam helped him. After everything that happened to Sam the soulmate laws were overturned. The official name was the Winchester-Fitzgerald Act. It was done so no one would end up like Sam or Garth ever again. Ben didn’t remember Garth, but Grandpa said Garth was Sam’s best friend. They killed Garth. Ben never asked how Garth was murdered.

Ben knew that the soulmate laws being overturned meant that Adam didn’t have to marry his mother, Lisa. Ben didn’t remember his mother but he thought she was an evil bitch. Adam never talked about her. He only had one picture of his mother and that was of a picture his dad sent him a couple years ago from their wedding.

Yes, Ben’s father not only ditched his soulmate who turned himself into a vegetable for him but he also divorced him the second he could. Then he turned around and married his half-brother’s soulmate. Ben knew that under normal circumstances he would think he was awesome that his biological parents were married. But he didn’t feel that way. He felt like Dean was a horrible human being.

Ben had turned eighteen a few days ago. Today, he was petitioning the court to get his birth certificate changed. He was getting Lisa and Dean taken off of it. He had been in John’s custody since he was nine. He figured if anyone deserved the title of father it was John. He was basically asking for an adult adoption. It seemed silly to most people but it was important to Ben.

Claire never questioned him on it. She was adopted so she knew what it was like to have parents that weren’t biological parents. Ben didn’t know what happened to Claire’s biological parents. Castiel and Gabriel always told him not to worry about it. Claire always said it didn’t matter to her because she had two dads that loved her. Ben always wished that he had what Claire had. She was lucky. Luckier than most. He liked to think she was lucky to have him but she always laughed at him when he said that.

Ben wasn’t bitter about Claire having Castiel and Gabriel. He had them too. Castiel and Gabriel went to every single one of the school events, his football games, helped him with his homework, everything. His grandpa and Uncle Bobby helped raised both him and Claire. They never missed anything either. Sam never missed an important moment of his life. Ben thought he understood what people meant by it takes a village to raise a child.

Of course, Ben knew that part of the reason why so many people were around was because of Sam. Sam needed twenty-four care. He was catatonic. Castiel, Grandpa, and Bobby each spent eight hours a day taking care of Sam. Two days a week a part-time nurse named Ruby would work a twelve hour shift to give everyone a break. She spent most of her time reading to Sam. She always read books about witches going on adventures in some strange alternate reality. Ben hoped Sam enjoyed the stories.

Ben took Sam back to his room after the sun rose. He opened the curtains so Sam could see outside if he wanted to. His grandfather had said that Sam liked to be able to see outside. Ben smiled at Sam and patted him on the shoulder like he did every day.

Just as Ben was leaving the room, he heard Sam whisper. “Dean.” Ben turned back to look at Sam and swore he could have seen a tear falling down Sam’s face. Dean was the only word Sam would ever say. He thought that Sam got dealt a fate worse than death. At least in death Sam would be at peace. This was what a broken heart looked like. This was what it looked like to give everything to the person he loved and for them to turn their back. Ben knew in that moment his Uncle Sammy would die of a broken heart. He bitterly hoped that Dean felt every moment of that.

Ben walked downstairs to get his cereal. He was thinking about bringing a bowl up to Claire. She always loved it when he brought her breakfast in bed, even if was just cereal. Claire was pretty nice unless she was on her period. That development had only happened in the last year. Ben learned that chocolate and back rubs were the best ways to placate her. He couldn’t give her a back rub in either of their bedrooms. Gabriel mandated that if they do that where other people could see. Ben knew he had to wait until Claire was sixteen to do anything sexual. He was fine with that. Ben was certain Claire was worth the wait. All he had to do was look at Gabriel and Castiel to see the benefits of waiting until the right time.

He heard the front door unlock which Ben thought was odd. He bounded over to the door to tease whoever it was for locking themselves out when his dad walked into the house. Ben scowled at Dean and crossed his arms. He said coldly, “Hey Dad, how is life?”

Dean frowned at Ben and Ben could tell Dean looked a little sick. Dean’s voice was scratchy. He took a step toward Ben and said regretfully, “Lisa left me for a rich banker so life isn’t going well.”

Ben nodded and asked, “So you came back here to win Sam back or did you come here to rub it in his face that you were off screwing someone else?” Ben paused and angrily said, “You know what, don’t answer that. Just get the Hell out. You mean nothing to me, _Dean._ Sam gave everything he had for you and you being a complete dick is how you repay him? You’re selfish. I never want to be like you and I am happy that after today you won’t be my father anymore.”

Dean put up his hands in an attempt to show he meant no harm. He said slowly, “Ben, I didn’t come here to fight. I know I am not going to win any awards for father of the year. However, for me to be with Lisa, I couldn’t be with you. She’s not allowed to be around children. You know this. I’m sorry if I hurt you. That was not my intent. I just wanted happiness that was all.”

Ben felt Adam put his hand on his shoulder. Adam was trying to reassure him. Adam was calm when he said sarcastically, “Dean, I am not sorry to hear you divorced my soulmate. She’s a horrible person and I am ashamed to call her my soulmate. Sam talked today but I doubt you’d care about something like that. You just want Sam to be magically fixed.”

Dean pinched the bridge of his nose and he took a deep breath. He said carefully, “Can I see Sam for five minutes? Then I will go.”

Adam sighed and stated firmly, “Yes, you can but Dean if you say one shitty thing to him, I promise I am going to make sure you never see him again. You are the reason he is the way he is.”

Dean nodded mutely and wandered up the stairs. He never told his family a lot of things. He never told them that he was with Lisa to protect Sam. Crowley took over after Lilith died and Meg got sent away to jail. Lisa was still active in the organization and they still wanted to take Sam. He married Lisa to protect Sam and Ben. They left Sam and Ben alone because Lisa had what she wanted. She had him.

Dean didn’t take an active part in the organization. He was more of a kept man that had to deal with Lisa’s sadistic side that he didn’t know she had. Still he leaked as much data as he could get his hands on. He saved as many children as he could. He knew it would never be enough though. He could never save them all. He knew it would never make up for everything he did to Sam. He loved Sam more than anything in the world. Sometimes in his dreams, he could see Sam. Those were the best nights. It was true. It did hurt him to see Sam like this.

He wandered his way up to Sam’s room. He was a little surprised to see Claire sleeping in Ben’s bed. Dean knew it wasn’t his place to say anything to Ben about that. Dean walked into Sam’s room. The walls were covered in the paintings and drawings Sam did before everything. Dean could see that one of Sam’s hands was in a fist. Dean knew the army man was in that hand.

He knelt down in front of Sam. He kissed Sam’s hand gently. Dean felt complete for once in his life. He missed Sam. He spoke gently, “Sammy, I love you more than anything. I’ve always loved you. I know you may not understand but I left to protect you. I had to keep you safe after everything you’ve given me. I promised you that.”  

Sam looked at him for a moment and for once Dean thought Sam could actually see him. Dean knew that wasn’t the case. He knew Sam’s mind had been on a near constant replay of the few happy moments in his life for the past fourteen years. If Sam scratched the surface from that place of peace inside his mind, Sam was in debilitating pain. Sam never really woke up after Lilith. He never truly came back from where he was happy. He only came back enough so Dean could live. Dean knew Sam could still feel his pain despite being some place in his mind where the world couldn’t hurt him anymore.

Dean gently reached up and closed Sam’s eyes. Sam always opened them when he was awake. Then Dean did what he should have done fourteen years ago. He pulled a syringe out of his coat pocket. Dean turned Sam’s arm over and slowly pushed the needle into Sam’s arm. Dean could feel the moment the poison entered Sam’s blood stream. Dean felt the world get heavy on his shoulders. He could feel his own pain for a moment. It was worse than he remembered.

Dean looked up at Sam and Sam smiled at him. His soulmate whispered, “You found me.” 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Sleep Baby Sleep (I'll Lie Next To You)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6977230) by [kurtcobain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kurtcobain/pseuds/kurtcobain)




End file.
